Written by: Brad Kern
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 7, Episode 01
Episode Number: 135
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Paige, Wyatt and baby Chris are there. Baby Chris cries while Paige changes him, and Wyatt sits in a high chair throwing food.]
Paige: Help! Somebody help! Please?
(Piper walks in.)
Piper: Alright, alright, relax. I’m back. (She walks over to Wyatt and sees the mess.) What is this? How’s his rash, does he need ointment?
Paige: I don’t know, I’ve been kind of procrastinating on that one. It’s not my favourite thing to check.
Piper: Why? You don’t have a problem checking Wyatt.
Paige: Yeah, that’s ’cause I don’t flash forward to Wyatt being twenty-two like you do with Chris.
Piper: Oh, yeah, eww.
Paige: Exactly. Stinky diaper.
(The diaper orbs into the rubbish bin.)
Piper: Hey, hey, are you using magic?
Paige: Yeah. Wait till you see how I put the ointment on.
Piper: Hi, personal gain. Do you want to lose your powers like Phoebe did? What if a demon attacks?
Paige: Could liven things up around here.
Piper: Excuse me?
Paige: I’m just kidding. Sort of. Look, I love being a stay-at-home aunty, I really, really do, I just, I’m going crazy, I have to get out. You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to get out a little bit too, I mean, you’ve been cooped up in here ever since… (Piper looks away.) You know, it’s okay to talk about it, Piper. It won’t hurt you, it could even help.
Piper: Talk about what? Gideon’s gone, Chris and Wyatt are safe, it all worked out.
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Ohh, coffee, coffee, coffee. I can not believe how late for work I am again.
Paige: Morning to you too.
Phoebe: And if you guys can be dressed for the wedding, then when I come back I’ll just honk and you guys can meet me outside, okay?
(Phoebe walks into the dining room.)
Piper: Wait. What? Wait. (Piper runs after her.) What wedding? Wedding?
Phoebe: Christy’s. Piper, don’t tell me you forgot.
Piper: Christy’s wedding. That’s today? Hmm, well, I can’t go. The kids.
Paige: Actually, the kids were invited too, so you can go. I think it would be good for them. I think it would be good for all of us.
Piper: No, I can’t go, the baby…
Phoebe: Needs to be exposed to a germ or two. Get out of the house, you know, build up his immune system.
Piper: He’s too young.
Phoebe: Piper, he’s two months old.
Piper: I know how old he is, thank you.
Phoebe: Look, you can’t protect them from the big bad world forever. They’re going to have to leave the house at some point. By the way, how’s Leo doing?
Piper: Well, considering who betrayed him, he’s doing as well as can be expected.
[Scene: Alley. Leo orbs in. His face and clothes are covered in dirt.]
Leo: I know you’re here, Barbas. You can’t keep running from me.
(An invisible Barbas appears behind Leo.)
Barbas: You’re afraid that vanquishing me won’t ease your pain. (Leo turns around and in an instant Barbas appears behind him again.) ‘Cause it wasn’t a demon, it was an Elder. You’re very mentor who tried to kill your son.
Leo: But you helped him. And that’s why I’m gonna kill you too. (Leo walks down the alley.) Barbas!
[Cut to further down the alley. Barbas re-enters his body. He looks at the wound on his shoulder and flames out. Leo walks around the corner and feels the air where Barbas was sitting. He orbs out.]
[Cut to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge. And Elder is there meditating. Barbas flames in then flames back out. Leo orbs in.]
Zola: Leo. Good, I’ve been calling for you.
Leo: What do you mean? Where’s Barbas?
(Invisible Barbas appears behind Leo.)
Barbas: He’s covering up for me. Oh, you know he is, you tracked me here.
Zola: What’s the matter? Are you alright?
Barbas: One of your greatest fears. Not good guys, bad guys, all the same now. Hey, makes him just like Gideon.
(Leo gets mad and bolts of electricity shoot out of his hands. It hits Zola and throws him up against the bridge wall.)
Leo: Where is he? Where’s Barbas?
Zola: I don’t know!
Leo: Tell me!
Zola: I don’t know! For god’s sake, stop!
(Leo stops the electricity and Zola falls to the ground.)
Barbas: Damn. So close.
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Phoebe walks down the stairs. Paige is laying on the couch with a newspaper over her face.]
Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Piper?
Paige: Up in Wyatt’s room.
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie, were you sleeping?
(Paige takes the newspaper off her face.)
Paige: Why start now? No, I was actually just trying to take a little break from nanny duties.
Phoebe: Yeah, you are such a doll to help out like you’ve been. I wish I could help you, but I can’t, I have to work.
Paige: Tell me what it’s like. Out there in the world where men don’t poop or spit on you.
Phoebe: You really do need to get out, huh?
Paige: You know, maybe we can just swap jobs for the day. You know, I’ll pay you.
Phoebe: Hmm, don’t tempt me.
Paige: What, you’re miserable too?
Phoebe: No, I wouldn’t say miserable, I just, I don’t know, I can’t put my finger on it. I’m like in this rut or something, you know? I just feel really disconnected.
Paige: Yeah, I agree.
Phoebe: You agree? What do you know about my ruts?
Paige: Well, um, I know you gave some great advice to “Lost in Los Altos” about finding a new love, but, uh, you gave the same advice to “Dumped in Daly” last year.
Phoebe: What? Shut up, I did not. (Paige opens the newspaper to Phoebe’s column.) Oh my god, I did. So maybe I should stop giving advice to people in finding love until I figure out how to find it myself.
Paige: You’ll find it, you foresaw it.
Phoebe: Yeah, that was one big tease. I think that’s what’s messing me up.
Paige: No, I think what’s messing you up is Gideon. I think it’s the same thing that’s messing us all up. He didn’t just betray Leo, he betrayed all of us.
Zola’s Voice: And those wounds don’t heal easily. (Phoebe and Paige walk into the conservatory. Zola is standing there.) Forgive the intrusion. I thought it best I come to you first.
Phoebe: Whatever it is we’re not interested.
Zola: No, I think you’ll be interested in this. Leo, just tried to kill me. I didn’t want the other Elders to find out, they’d think he was after us all now.
Paige: Well, you can hardly blame him, can you?
Zola: You’re lack of faith is understandable given what Gideon has done, but one bad Elder doesn’t make us all bad. We are on the same side here.
Phoebe: Are we?
Zola: Leo didn’t really want to kill me, I know that. Still, if he had, there would have been no redeeming him. He would’ve had to been recycled.
Paige: Recycled like what? Recycled like plastic?
Zola: No, I mean like sent back, reborn to start the cycle of life over again. We don’t want to punish him for killing Gideon. But we can’t abide his harming innocents in the name of revenge. Which means if you don’t stop him, we’ll have to.
Phoebe: Stop him from what?
Zola: From his obsession with vanquishing Barbas. It’s blinding him to reason, driving him over the edge. And if he succeeds, it won’t make his sons any safer, or the betrayal any less painful. It won’t heal his heart. Time is of the essence too, not just for his sake. We believe there’s a powerful threat looming on the horizon, unlike any we’ve ever sensed before. And for that, we’ll need everybody back into the fold, and soon.
(Zola orbs out.)
[Cut to the attic. Leo is frantically flipping through the Book of Shadows. He hears a noise.]
Leo: Barbas. I know you’re here. Show yourself.
(A ghostly head floats through the attic.)
Voice: Don’t let Barbas get away. Save your son.
Leo: Who are you? What do you want?
(Piper walks in holding baby Chris.)
Piper: Who are you talking to?
Leo: Nobody. How’d you know I was here?
Piper: I didn’t. Wyatt did. Must be that orbing thing you guys share. He looked up and said ‘dadda’.
Piper: Mmm-hm. He misses you. We all do.
Leo: I miss him too. Is there anything else on Barbas in here besides the main entry?
Piper: No. Would you like to hold your child?
Leo: Uh, I… I can’t.
Piper: Well, you need to, Leo. Chris didn’t die. He’s alive. You need to move on.
Leo: Not until Barbas is gone, and they’re both safe.
(Leo orbs out.)
[Scene: Underworld. Cave. Barbas and a Healer demon are there. The demon is cauterizing Barbas’s wound with a hot iron stick. Barbas groans.]
Barbas: Is that absolutely necessary?
Demon: The wound is deep. Very easily could’ve been fatal. I wouldn’t recommend going up against an Elder again if I were you.
Barbas: The problem is that he’s the one after me and I haven’t figured out how to shake him.
Demon: Ah, in that case then, this might all be for not.
Barbas: Thank you very much for your vote of confidence. Actually, I don’t even know what it is that I did to offend him, except for that rugrat incident, and that all came out okay in the end more or less, and it wasn’t even me. That was after.
(The ghostly figure floats through the cave.)
Voice: But it should be now.
Barbas: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?
Demon: What was what?
Barbas: You didn’t see that?
Demon: See what?
(The ghostly figure floats past.)
Voice: Go after the baby.
(The ghostly figure floats past again.)
Voice: He’ll be blinded by rage. Vulnerable.
Barbas: You’re trying to tell me you didn’t hear that?
Demon: Maybe we should look at that wound again.
Barbas: For god’s sake. (Barbas throws an energy ball at the demon and vanquishes him.) A rotten healer anyway. Who are you? Friend or foe?
Voice: Neither. But if you want to stop the Elder, go after the baby.
(The ghostly figure floats straight towards Barbas and knocks him off his feet.)
Barbas: Cool. Very, very cool.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in.]
Elise: Phoebe, there you are.
Phoebe: Elise, hi, I’m so sorry I’m late, it won’t happen again.
Elise: Of course it will. But, hey, if you keep getting responses like these, who cares. Look at these emails, all from this morning’s column.
Phoebe: Uh, yeah, about this morning’s column…
Elise: It was brilliant, Phoebe. I mean, you make us look so classy when your advice is provocative, insightful…
Phoebe: Plagiarized. Don’t worry, I stole from myself.
Elise: I don’t understand.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t understand either, Elise. But it turns out I gave the exact same advice to someone last year, and I didn’t realise it until it was too late.
Elise: So? Big deal. Columnists recycle stuff all the time.
Phoebe: Yeah, but I don’t. At least, I never used to, and I just, I don’t think I should write anymore until I figure out why this happened.
Elise: Don’t be ridiculous.
Phoebe: No, I’m not being ridiculous, I’m just being honest, Elise. I can’t give people recycled advice, it’s just not right. It’s not ethical.
Elise: Phoebe, you can’t just quit.
Phoebe: Oh, and I don’t want to quit. Elise, I love my job, you know, I just don’t think I can do it right now.
Elise: Okay, alright, take a sabbatical, rest, recharge your batteries. A couple of months enough?
Phoebe: Can I do that?
Elise: Of course you can. I’m the boss, aren’t I?
Phoebe: And what happens to my column? I mean, do you just pull it?
Elise: And watch sales drop? Are you kidding? (She thinks for a moment.) No. I’ll hire someone to ghost write it for you. Your readers will never know you’re gone.
Phoebe: Wait, what?
Assistant: Phoebe? Sorry, it’s your sister, she says it’s important.
Elise: Go ahead, I’ll handle this. Don’t worry about anything. Rest up.
(Phoebe walks into her office and picks up the phone.)
Paige: Hey. I think I have figured out how to save Leo. If we can keep him from going after Barbas, then we can go after him ourselves.
Phoebe: Wait, what?
Paige: It’s perfect. All we have to do is guilt Leo into taking Piper to the wedding.
Phoebe: Yeah, but she doesn’t even want to go.
Paige: I know. That’s why I will volunteer to take care of the kids and that way Piper won’t have any excuse not to go. Then while you guys are all at the wedding, I’ll be at the book, you know, trying to find Barbas.
Phoebe: And then what? I mean, even if we find him, how are we gonna vanquish him without my powers and Piper’s?
Paige: You can still cast spells, can’t you?
Paige: I am telling you, this could work. Not only could it save Leo, but it can get him and Piper back together, at a wedding no less. I mean, think about it. Maybe it could reunite some sparks. You know, do it for the children. Hell, do it for me.
Phoebe: I don’t know about this.
Paige: Do you want to get out of that rut or don’t you?
[Scene: The wedding. A gazebo is brightly decorated with Christy and Jeevan sitting inside, and friends and family are sitting on rows of chairs outside.]
Priest: We have come together on this glorious day to wed Christy and Jeevan. Who are here to build a foundation of their marriage upon the earth. In the presence of the sacred fire, and among their family and friends.
(Piper’s car pulls up to the valet. Piper, Phoebe and Leo get out.)
Phoebe: Oh, we are so late. Has the ceremony started?
Valet: Yes, ma’am.
Phoebe: Oh, no. Okay.
Piper: I told you to just go ahead and go.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I don’t understand why you couldn’t leave the baby with Paige.
(Leo gets the stroller out of the boot and Piper gets baby Chris out of the back seat.)
Piper: When you’re a mother, you’ll understand.
Phoebe: Okay, that’s assuming I’m gonna have any eggs left. (Phoebe tries to open the stroller.) How do you do this thing?
(Leo opens it.)
Phoebe: Oh, so nice to have a man around the house.
Leo: Yeah, except I think I should still be after Barbas.
Phoebe: Yeah, not until you can distinguish between a demon and an Elder. You’re stuck with us.
(Piper puts her phone to her ear.)
Piper: Paige? Hi.
Phoebe: What are you doing? Give me that. What are you doing?
Piper: What do you mean, what am I doing? I’m checking on Wyatt.
Phoebe: You just checked on Wyatt. Have you guys thought about seeing a shrink?
Piper: Yeah, we did that.
Phoebe: Okay, look, I know you haven’t been out of the house in a very, very long time but this is Christy’s wedding so please try and have fun.
(They take the wedding programs off of a table and look at the illustration on the front.)
Piper: Is this a wedding or an orgy?
Phoebe: It’s a Hindu ceremony. It’s supposed to be very, very, very romantic.
(Baby Chris cries.)
Piper: Oh, see, I knew this would happen. This is over stimulation. We’ve gotta get out of here. (The valet drives off with their car.) Hey, excuse me! Wait!
Phoebe: No, no, no. You know what? You guys go and I’ll take care of Chris, okay? You guys go and have a good time. Have fun. Remember what that is? Fun? Come on. Diaper bag. Thank you.
(Piper and Leo walk over to the ceremony and sit down.)
[Cut to Phoebe. She is rocking the stroller.]
Phoebe: You’re okay, shh, you’re okay, Chris. You’re okay.
(Darryl and Inspector Sheridan walk over to Phoebe.)
Sheridan: Chris, huh? Interesting name. Same as the guy who died in your house a couple of months ago, isn’t it?
Phoebe: Are you following me?
Sheridan: Yes, I am. Actually, I would have approached you sooner but Lieutenant Morris here thought that you might need some time to mourn your loss. He’s very protective of you. Seems to know you real well, which is why I asked him to be my partner on this. You know, you and your sisters don’t seem to be getting out much lately. Why is that I wonder? You’re not hiding from me, are you?
Phoebe: We’ve got nothing to hide.
Sheridan: Good. Then you’ll have no objections coming down town to answer some questions. You’ve just been served.
Phoebe: Questions about what?
Sheridan: About what really happened to… the other Chris. How he mysteriously broke out of jail, how come he doesn’t seem to appear in any database, how come you didn’t have a funeral for him, what happened to his body. You know, just stuff like that. Four o’clock. Don’t be late.
(She walks away.)
Phoebe: You know, I can almost understand you not helping us. But to help her?
Darryl: It’s not like that, I swear. I don’t want to be in the middle of this, but she knows that I know something. She knows we’ve got history.
Phoebe: And you think if she exposes us she’s not gonna bust you too?
Sheridan: Coming, Lieutenant?
Phoebe: You’re gonna have to chose a side, Darryl. It’s just the way it works.
(They walk away.)
[Cut to the wedding.]
Priest: And now as the circle is a symbol of the earth and the sun and the universe, I call upon the goddess and god that created all things to bless this sacred union. (Two yellow clouds of light float down from the sky and hover above the gazebo.) And to consecrate upon them that…
Piper: Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
Leo: Yeah. But I don’t think anyone else can. (The two yellow clouds of light hit Piper and Leo and they glow.) Are you okay?
Piper: I don’t know. I feel a little woozy.
(She pulls out a tissue from her purse and Leo notices she now has six arms joined to her body.)
Leo: Piper. Uh-oh.
[Cut to Phoebe. Leo and Piper rush over to her. Piper is wearing Leo’s coat to cover her extra arms.]
Phoebe: Hey, is the wedding over already? (Piper opens the coat to show Phoebe her extra arms.) Oh my god.
Leo: Let’s get outta here.
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe and Paige are watching Piper who is now wearing a Hindu dress. She feeds baby Chris and Wyatt, covers baby Chris with a blanket, brushes Wyatt’s hair back, puts her own hair behind her ear, all at the same time using her six arms.]
Paige: I don’t understand how could this have happened.
Phoebe: Beats the hell out of me.
(Leo walks in wearing Hindu clothes.)
Leo: Isn’t she beautiful?
(He walks over to Piper and she pinches his butt. They smile at each other.)
Paige: I can’t believe what I am seeing.
Phoebe: Tell me about it. When was the last time you saw Piper grab Leo’s ass?
Paige: That’s not what I’m talking about. Uh, we need to do something quickly.
(The phone rings. Piper answers it.)
Piper: Hello? Phoebe, it’s for you.
Phoebe: Okay. Uh, Book of Shadows, Hindu spirits. (Phoebe takes the phone off Piper.) Hello?
Elise: Is this a bad time?
Phoebe: Actually, Elise, yeah, I’m kind of up to my elbows in stuff.
Elise: Well, I just wanted to give you the good news. The ghost writer that I was hoping to hire just happens to be in town and wants to do it. Isn’t that terrific?
Phoebe: Wait, what?
Elise: And better yet, Leslie can start right away with tomorrow’s column.
Phoebe: Leslie? Okay, who’s Leslie? Elise, don’t you think I should have a say in this?
Elise: So how soon can you get down here because I’d really like the two of you to meet as soon as possible.
Phoebe: Yeah, no, now’s not really a good time.
Elise: Okay, well, how about in an hour? We’ll see you then.
[Cut to The Bay Mirror. Elise and a man are there.]
Elise: She can hardly wait to meet you.
Leslie: Well, likewise.
[Cut to the Manor.]
Phoebe: She hung up on me. I cannot believe she hung up on me. (Piper turns to Leo and they put their arms around each other.) Okay, I will just leave you two to go at it.
[Cut to the attic. Paige is looking in the Book of Shadows. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: Bright side? At least we know Piper and Leo still have the hots for each other.
Paige: Yeah, well, you better be careful with that whole hots thing because it’s contagious. Don’t stand too close. It comes courtesy of Shakti, the Hindu goddess of creation, and Shiva, her lover, the god of destruction.
Phoebe: Yeah, but why did this happen to Piper and Leo? I mean, any ideas?
Paige: Why does anything happen to any of us around here?
Phoebe: Good point. “Shakti and Shiva are commonly invoked at weddings because their considered to be the ultimate lovers.”
Paige: Well, I’m thinking it’s meant to be symbolic.
Phoebe: Unless they’re magical lovers to hijack.
Paige: Read on.
Phoebe: “Shakti also called the ultimate mother and Shiva together created all things, and if they consummate their love again, all things will be obliterated and the universe will be reborn.”
Paige: Talk about your big bang theory.
[Cut to downstairs. Piper and Leo are kissing passionately. Phoebe and Paige come down the stairs.]
Phoebe: Oh! Alright, stop it! You two stop it right now. Stop it, stop it, stop it. (Phoebe and Paige pull them apart.) You go over there, you over here. (Piper slaps Phoebe with her six hands.) Oh, keep your hands to yourself.
Piper: But you’re interrupting us.
Phoebe: And saving life as we know it.
Leo: What are you talking about?
Paige: Look at your outfit. Does that look like something you normally wear?
Leo: Well, no.
Paige: Exactly. This is not the first time we have been hijacked by gods. So you just have to fight it.
Leo: I don’t want to fight it. I haven’t felt this potent in years.
Phoebe: Over sharing. Any idea how to redirect his potency?
Paige: Yeah. We should send him after Barbas.
Phoebe: And what about the risk to the Elders?
Paige: I think the risk to the universe is greater. I’ve made a vanquishing potion, I’ll go get it.
Leo: I won’t need it. I’ll be back.
Piper: I’ll be waiting. (Leo disappears surrounded by lighting.) Wow, is that hot or what?
Phoebe: Or what.
Paige: Okay, I’m gonna go to magic school and try to find a spell to dispossess them.
Phoebe: Take the babies with you. They’ll be safer there.
Piper: No. The babies stays with me.
(Phoebe starts to leave.)
Paige: Where are you going?
Phoebe: I have to go to, you know, work.
[Scene: Underworld. Cave. Barbas and a cave full of demons are there. The demons are all talking at once.]
Barbas: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please, one at a time, if you please. We’re failing to see the problem here.
Demon #1: You asked for help. You said we would share in the spoils. Then you tell us you’re going after the Charmed Ones. Do you take us for fools? That’s suicide.
Barbas: No, no, no, we’re not going after the Charmed Ones per se, just their little baby. Okay, it’s obvious you’re failing to grasp the big picture here, so I will explain it for you again for the umpteenth time. Okay, and going after the child, we are in a fact pouring salt into the still festering wounds of the father who happens to be an Elder. The Charmed Ones’ Elder.
Demon #1: So.
Barbas: So his parental instincts kicks in. His vengeful little heart fills with rage and then with this tiniest little nudge from me, he makes a mistake, a fatal mistake.
Demon #1: Leaving the witches unprotected by him.
Barbas: Exactly. And leaving you with the best chances at knocking them off anybody’s had in years. Almost sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it?
Demon #1: What about that creature you told us about? How does he fit into all of this?
Barbas: See that’s a very good question. One I don’t have the answer to. But he did cloak this lair, so Leo couldn’t track me, that makes him a friend. A very powerful friend.
[Scene: Magic School. Teachers and students are packing stuff away. Paige orbs in with Wyatt.]
Paige: What’s going on?
Mrs. Winterbourne: Oh, hi, Paige. We’re packing up, closing down the school.
Paige: What? Since when?
Mrs. Winterbourne: Since Gideon died. Look, love him or hate him, he started this magic school and without him there’s no one left to fight for it anymore.
Paige: I’ll fight for it.
Mrs. Winterbourne: Against the Elders? You don’t stand a chance. No offence, but Gideon was the only one that could stand up to them and convince them he could keep it safe from demons discovering us, or mortals for that matter.
Paige: Well, what about the next generation? Where are they gonna learn what needs to be learnt?
Mrs. Winterbourne: I don’t know.
Paige: Is the nursery still open?
Mrs. Winterbourne: Yeah, another week or so.
Paige: Okay, stop packing those books because I’m gonna need them. (to Wyatt) Come on, baby.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in.]
Elise: Good, you’re here. Come and meet your new…
Phoebe: Uh, yeah, just so we’re clear, if I don’t like this person we can find someone else, right?
Elise: Absolutely. It’s your column, you’ve gotta be happy with him.
(Elise drags Phoebe into her office.)
Phoebe: Him? What? I’m sorry, him?
(A handsome man is sitting on Phoebe’s chair, talking on the phone.)
Leslie: (on phone) I’d better call you back. (He hangs up.) Hi. I hope it’s okay, I just wanted to get started.
Leslie: Expecting a girl, weren’t you?
Leslie: So did my folks. That’s how I got the name. You can call me Les.
(They shake hands.)
Elise: Now before you say no, just hear me out. He had his own advice column in Philly and it was totally hip, very hot, a perfect match for yours.
(Phoebe rubs Les’ hand.)
Phoebe: Hot, huh? Wow. (She pulls away.) Oh. Not again.
Elise: He’s relocating to L.A. in a couple of months which works out perfectly for how long you want to be away.
Phoebe: That’s great, Elise, but he’s a-a man.
Les: Is that a problem?
Phoebe: Uh, well, most of my readers are women.
Les: And you don’t think a man can give advice to women?
Phoebe: Oh, no, actually, not as well as a woman can, no.
Les: Well, what about Dr. Phil?
(Les walks around and stands next to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Uh, Dr. Phil is a doctor, right? Dr. Phil.
Les: Ah, so a man can give advice to women if he’s a doctor.
(Phoebe tries to get a look at Les’ butt.)
Phoebe: That’s not what I meant.
Les: Well, that’s what it sounded like. Are you feeling alright?
Phoebe: Me? Yeah. (She laughs.) Yes, I’m feeling alright. I’m great, are you kidding?
Les: ‘Cause you don’t look like you do.
Phoebe: What, are you a doctor now too?
Les: Actually, I am. Of psychology. I wrote my doctorate on women’s intuition… (Phoebe falls sideways and Les catches her.) Aced it.
Phoebe: I bet you did.
(They kiss passionately.)
(Phoebe pushes Les away and walks outside. She walks back in and grabs her purse and walks back out.)
Les: I guess that means I got the job.
[Scene: Manor. Piper’s room. Piper puts baby Chris in his crib. Two demons suddenly appear and throws fireballs near them. Piper blows them up. Another demon appears and she blows him. Three more appear and bolts of electricity shoot out of her hands blowing up energy balls as they come towards her. Barbas appears behind Piper and creeps towards baby Chris. Piper blows up the three demons and turns around.]
Piper: No! (Bolts of electricity shoot at Barbas and he flies across the room. He touches his bleeding wounds and flames out. Baby Chris stirs.) It’s okay, peanut, you’re okay. Shh.
[Scene: Manor. Paige walks down the stairs carrying a rubbish bin. Phoebe walks in through the front door.]
Phoebe: Doctor. Doctor, my ass. I’d like to actually see proof that he’s a doctor, you know.
Paige: What are you muttering about?
Phoebe: Elise. She hired a man. Can you believe that? I don’t know what she was thinking.
Paige: Hire a man for what?
Phoebe: My job, that’s what. Might possibly be the worst idea I’ve ever had. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Paige: You quit?
Phoebe: No, no, I’m just taking a sabbatical. Well, I was taking a sabbatical, I’m clearly not anymore. Well, don’t look at me like that, you’re the one who said I was in a rut.
Paige: Anyway, you’ll never guess what happened while you were gone.
Phoebe: I mean, it’s just the most ridiculous… Have you even ever heard of a male advice columnist? I haven’t.
Paige: Try to guess. You won’t be able to.
Phoeb: But I don’t care what the book says about the divine hornyness only being rubbed off if you’re attracted to someone, because there’s no way I’m attracted to him. Huh. Huh. Oh god, I hope he’s not the one from my vision. I think I’m gonna be sick.
Paige: Barbas tried to kidnap baby Chris.
Phoebe: Paige, that is not funny.
Paige: I am not trying to be funny. It’s true.
Phoebe: Oh, no.
Paige: Oh, yes. Piper’s upstairs putting him to sleep right now. He’s okay, he didn’t get hurt.
Phoebe: Oh, thank goodness. Leo’s gonna go ballistic.
Paige: Yes. And that is precisely why Piper does not want us to tell him anything.
(Leo walks in.)
Leo: Tell me what?
Phoebe: How much she wants you. Piper, she desperately wants you.
Paige: You’re not suppose to tell him that.
Phoebe: I know, but you know me with secrets, I can’t keep them. So how did it go with Barbas?
Leo: It didn’t. I couldn’t track him.
Paige: Really? You couldn’t track him? Not even with all those powers cooped up inside of you?
Leo: I know. Strange, isn’t it? So where’s Piper? Upstairs?
(He goes upstairs.)
[Cut to Piper’s room. Leo walks in and sees broken furniture and scorch marks from the demon attack. Phoebe and Paige walk in.]
Leo: What happened here?
Paige: You’re not gonna like it.
[Cut to the foyer. The front door flies opens and Darryl and Inspector Sheridan walk in.]
Darryl: So what, you’re not even gonna give them a chance to cooperate with us now? Is that it?
Sheridan: They had chance, they didn’t show, now we’ve got a warrant.
Darryl: That does not give us the right to bust in like this.
Sheridan: Yeah, well, I wanted it to be a surprise. (Darryl grabs her by the arm.) You got something you want to say, Morris? (He lets go of her arm.) One way or another, I’m gonna find out who this Chris guy really was and what they’re hiding. Now you’re either with me, or you’re against me.
[Cut to Piper’s room.]
Paige: You see, this is why Piper didn’t want us to tell you.
Leo: I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna rip the world apart until I find Barbas.
Phoebe: Yeah, that’s what we were worried about. Leo, you have to calm down until we know all the facts.
Leo: What facts? He went after one of my sons again.
Paige: Yeah, but he didn’t get him.
Leo: It doesn’t matter.
(Sheridan walks in pointing her gun. Darryl walks in behind her.)
Sheridan: Police! Freeze! Hands in the air!
(Leo telekinetically sends Sheridan flying across the room and she slams into the wall.)
Darryl: What the hell’s wrong with you? You’re out of your mind.
(Leo disappears surrounded by lightning bolts.)
Phoebe: Yeah, I think he is.
(Piper rushes in.)
Piper: Shh, I just got the baby to sleep. What happened? Where’s Leo?
[Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Zola is there meditating. Barbas flames in and then flames back out. Leo appears surrounded with lightning bolts.]
Leo: Barbas, where is he?
(Invisible Barbas appears beside Leo.)
Barbas: How many times do you to go through all this before you realise they’re all working together.
Zola: Leo, don’t do this. You know better. He’s after your boy, I’m after your boy, they’re all after your boy. That’s why it’s your greatest fear.
Leo: Where is he, damn it!
Zola: Wait, listen to me, Leo, don’t do this.
(Invisible Barbas appears.)
Barbas: Kill him. Kill them all! (Leo roars and bolts of electricity shoots out of his hands. It pins Zola up onto the bridge wall and he explodes and vanishes.) Ahh, my, my, my, my, my. What have we gone and done now?
[Scene: Magic School. Piper is there. Paige walks in with Mrs. Winterbourne.]
Paige: Thanks. (Mrs. Winterbourne walks away.) Did you find Leo?
Piper: Where’s Chris?
Paige: He’s with Wyatt in the nursery. (Paige sees Leo sitting on the floor in the corner of the room.) What happened?
Piper: Did you find the spell to fix us?
Paige: Yeah, but…
Piper: Cast it.
(Paige walks over to a table and opens a book.)
Paige: “We call upon the mortal ways, and gods who guide but may not stay, we seek those of divinity, to separate from and set them free.”
(Piper’s extra arms glow and vanish. A golden light rises out of Leo.)
Piper: (to Leo) Are you alright?
Piper: Go get Phoebe and then go get Barbas.
Paige: We still don’t know how to find him.
Piper: I wounded him. You should be able to scry with his blood.
(Paige orbs out. Piper walks over to Leo and kneels beside him.)
Leo: I killed another Elder.
Piper: It’s not your fault, you were tricked.
Leo: Was I? What have I become?
(Piper hugs Leo.)
Piper: It’s okay, it’s okay. Nobody else has to know.
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Paramedics are there checking out Sheridan. He shines a light into her eyes.]
Paramedic: Just try to follow the light.
Darryl: I still don’t think this was a good idea.
Phoebe: What did you want us to do? Send her to purgatory? We have to play it safe, she’s too suspicious already.
Darryl: Yeah, okay, but what if she remembers what really happened?
Paramedic: Look to your right. Focus. (to other paramedic) Get the C collar and board. Do you remember what you were doing here, Inspector?
Sheridan: Uh, we came to search for something.
Paramedic: Do you remember what happened to you?
Phoebe: Uh, she slipped. We’re doing a lot of redecorating and she slipped and fell.
Paramedic: Well, do you remember?
Sheridan: Uh… I… no.
Paramedic: Just take a deep breath.
Darryl: She still remembers the search warrant.
Phoebe: So what? What is she going to find?
(Paige walks in.)
Paige: What’s going on?
Phoebe: Uh, nothing, I think we have everything under control here. What’s up?
(Paige holds up a potion.)
Paige: We’ve got some work to do.
[Scene: Underworld. Cave. Barbas is there.]
Barbas: Hey, why don’t you come on down. Show yourself. All I want to do is thank you. It was such a very good plan. I mean, it worked perfectly. So, uh, how about we go after the witches now?
(Phoebe and Paige walk in.)
Paige: Works for us.
Barbas: Well, well, well, well. What do you know? It really is true. Just ask and ye shall receive. Of course, this lair was supposed to be cloaked.
Phoebe: Yeah, you should probably ask your invisible friend about that.
Barbas: Yeah, well, maybe I will. Ah, come to vanquish me I see. What, again?
Paige: Yeah, but I just have one little question first. Why the baby? What does that even get you?
Barbas: Ah, the baby. That just gets me to you without the bodyguard. By the way, how is old Leo, anyway? Suffering nicely I hope. (Paige is about to throw the potion.) Ah, ah, ah, ah. I think we should check your fears first. How charming. Your greatest fear is that your nephews won’t be safe. From me. How touching. Of course, such a great fear paralyses you. Can’t believe you forgot about that.
Paige: Oh, we didn’t forget.
(Paige throws the potion at Barbas.)
Phoebe: We just knew our greatest desire would overcome our greatest fear.
Paige: And our greatest desire is to protect our nephews from you.
Barbas: Ah, you know I’ll be back. Fear always comes back! You set me up!
(Barbas is vanquished.)
Phoebe: I never get tired of seeing that.
Paige: I wonder who he was talking to?
Phoebe: I don’t know. And I don’t wanna know.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe’s office. Les is there with his feet up on the desk, reading the paper. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: Making yourself comfortable, I see.
Les: Sorry. You know, Phoebe, you really don’t have to come in here bright and early anymore. Otherwise, it’s not really a sabbatical.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Actually, I’m gonna tell you the truth. After I met you I wasn’t so sure I wanted to take the time off.
Les: Ah, make quite an impression on you, did I?
Phoebe: No, not really.
Les: So you kiss all the new employees their first day on the job, do you?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, that was, you know, not-not-not what you think it was.
Les: Oh, really.
Les: And what do you think I think it was?
Phoebe: Well, I don’t know what you think it was but whatever you think it was, it actually wasn’t. Anyway, uh, I thought I would wait until this morning and read what you wrote and see if I was still comfortable with my decision.
Phoebe: And I liked it. There was some good advice in there, considering you’re a guy.
Les: Well, thanks… I think. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sully your good name.
Phoebe: You’d better not. Good luck.
Les: Hey, for whatever it’s worth, you’re a pretty damn good kisser, even though it didn’t mean anything.
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there packing a bag and the kids are in the stroller near by. Paige walks in.]
Paige: Oh my god, I’m so tired. I didn’t sleep at all last night, and it’s not even because of Barbas.
Piper: Pray tell.
Paige: It’s the whole Magic School thing, you know? It’s gotten me really depressed. I don’t know why the Elders are just shutting it down.
Piper: Well, they can do whatever they want. That’s why they’re them.
Paige: Yeah, well, it’s not fair.
Piper: Well, who’s gonna stop them?
Paige: I am.
Paige: Yeah. I mean, magic’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, right? I mean, other than you guys. No offence, but you guys did kind of happen to me at the same time that magic happened to me. So if you really actually count it…
Paige: Right. Look, aside from Gideon, the school is a great thing, right? And I think I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna get back to my magical roots.
Piper: I think that’s a good idea. Um, any idea how you’re gonna do it?
Paige: Not a clue. Oh my goodness. Are you going outside? With them?
Piper: Yes, I am. Now may I go or are you gonna tease me some more about it?
Paige: I’d really like to tease you some more, but I will wait until you get back. What changed?
Piper: Well, sharing a body with the ultimate mother, um, I got a few tips.
Paige: Like what?
Piper: Like, I can’t protect them from everything. Or I’ll probably end up making them neurotic.
Paige: Lord knows we don’t need anymore of those around here.
Piper: No. So we’re just gonna have to go out and brave the big bad world.
Paige: What about Leo? Is he gonna join?
Piper: No, he’s still, um, dealing with some stuff.
[Scene: Underworld. Cave. Leo is there touching the pile of Barbas’s ashes.]
Voice: Barbas was right. Killing him doesn’t end the pain of betrayal.
Leo: Who the hell are you? What do you want?
Voice: What do we want? We want you!
(The ghostly figure floats straight towards Leo and then vanishes. Leo stands there frightened.)