Written by: Krista Vernoff
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 5, Episode 16
Episode Number: 104
[Scene: Manor. Piper’s room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and the baby are there. Everyone is looking down at the baby who is in the bassinet.]
Phoebe: Ooh, I could eat him up! I swear I could with a little ranch dressing.
Piper: Okay, but let’s not, okay?
Phoebe: I can’t make that promise.
Leo: Okay, don’t listen to your aunties, okay, they’re a little kooky. Us guys gotta stick together, don’t we, Peter?
Leo: Peter. I’m just floating it.
Piper: Hmm, is your name Peter?
Phoebe: Well, for what it’s worth, I dated a Peter in high school and he wasn’t very nice.
Paige: Yeah, you know, for what it’s worth, it’s kind of the name of the appendage that he has that surprised us all so much. It might get him teased at school.
Leo: Okay, no Peter, but we’re running out of P’s.
Paige: I can’t believe you never thought of P boy names.
Piper: Well, when I went to the future I had a little girl and obviously that has changed, as has a lot of things but, um, I’m still having trouble letting go of the name we settled on.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, Prudence Melinda might get him in trouble at school too.
Paige: I’m thinking that’s probably true, although he could just zap them onto a roof like Harry Potter would or something.
Leo: God, I hope not.
Phoebe: Aren’t you excited to see what his powers are?
Piper: Excited, terrified. I mean, after seeing what the kid can do inside the womb, he’s no muggle.
Phoebe: Hey, what about Potter? Potter Halliwell. Or is it Wyatt?
Leo: No, it’s definitely Halliwell. Demons fear it, good magic respects it. I want what’s best for him. That’s why I’m gonna say no to Potter.
(The baby starts to cry.)
Piper: Oh, somebody’s getting very sleepy. Come on. Shh.
(Phoebe hugs the bassinet.)
Phoebe: We love you, we love you, baby, so much. Love you, love you, love you. Bye, baby.
(Phoebe and Paige leave the room. Piper tucks the baby in with a blanket embroidered with the triquetra symbol on it.)
Piper: You’re perfect, you perfect little creature.
[Cut to the hallway.]
Paige: It’s too bad with all the powers your baby has, sleeping through the night is not one of them.
Piper: Yeah, I’m sorry about that, you guys. (Phoebe walks into her room.) Maybe we can cast some kind of sound proofing spell around our bedroom so you don’t have to deal with…
Paige: No way, it’ll interfere with the baby’s alarm system.
Piper: Which works how exactly?
Paige: Ah, pretty basic stuff. I just enchanted a few cowry shells.
Leo: Well, it’s not going to shock anything, is it?
Paige: In the nursery? I’m not a total idiot. It’ll just alert us to the presence of evil so we can all sleep a little sounder. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to apply some under eye makeup to these dark circles that your sweet baby caused.
(Paige goes into her room and closes the door. Phoebe sneaks out of her room, heading for Piper’s.)
Piper: Where are you going?
Phoebe: I’m just gonna go watch him sleep for a little while.
Piper: Phoebe. You must go to work.
Leo: Yeah, aren’t you supposed to meet the new owner of the paper today?
Phoebe: I know, but it’s so hard to leave him. Shouldn’t there be some sort of maternity leave for new aunties?
Piper: Phoebe, the club is not raking in the dough these days and Paige is unemployed, the cost of diapers… We kind of need you to keep your job.
Phoebe: You’re right, you’re right, I’ll go. Just, no Peter, okay? And no Patrick. And I really think you should consider Potter because it’s a great name. Okay. Just don’t make any decisions until I get back, please.
Piper: Time to go.
Phoebe: And do me a favour and kiss his little toes for me when he wakes up.
Leo: When are you going to talk to her?
Piper: Oh, she’s just excited.
Leo: Excited, obsessed.
Piper: Why? Because she wants to watch her nephew sleep?
Leo: No, because yesterday she was giving you breast feeding advice and now she wants maternity leave.
Piper: Well, she knows a lot about breasts. And she’s an aunt, that’s what they do. It’s family, you know.
Leo: Okay, well, how is mummy doing?
(Leo puts his arms around Piper.)
Piper: Mummy’s tired. And happy.
Leo: Wanna try and get some sleep?
(They kiss again. Suddenly, an alarm goes off. Paige runs out of her bedroom.)
Paige: The baby!
Paige: The baby!
(Paige runs in between them and heads for Piper’s bedroom. Piper and Leo follow.)
[Cut to Piper’s bedroom. Two demons are standing over the baby’s bassinet. Paige runs in followed by Piper and Leo.]
(A force field appears around the baby’s bassinet and knocks the demons to their feet. Piper blows up one of the demons. The other demon shimmers out.)
Piper: Son of a…!
(The force field vanishes. They walk over to the baby who is crying.)
Leo: Way to go, little guy. Way to use your powers.
(Piper picks up the baby.)
Piper: Are you okay? No, you’re okay, it’s alright, you’re okay.
Paige: Did they scare you?
Piper: You’re okay. You’re okay.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige walk in.]
Piper: It just pisses me off. I can’t believe they would come in the house and and try to steal the baby.
Paige: Piper, demons aren’t exactly known for their moral compass. At least he’ll be safe with the Elders until we can figure it out.
(They walk over to the Book of Shadows.)
Piper: But he’s just a baby. He’s small and little and innocent.
Paige: It’s okay. He’s got that invincibility thing going on. Hey, do you think that’s permanent or is it like a baby teeth thing?
Piper: I have no idea but the demons saw the force field, they’re gonna find a way around it.
Paige: Unless they can get up to Elder-land, he’s gonna be fine.
Piper: Well, he can’t stay up there forever.
Paige: That’s what we’re here for. No one is going to steal him. I promise you that.
(Leo orbs in with the baby.)
Leo: They wouldn’t keep him.
Piper: What? Why? Did you tell them what’s going on?
Leo: They want us to prove to ourselves that we can protect him like your mum and grams did for you.
(The baby starts to cry. Piper takes him from Leo.)
Piper: Oh, no, it’s okay, we don’t need them anyway. It’s alright.
(Piper sits down on the couch. Leo sits beside her.)
Leo: Are you okay?
Piper: I’m having some severe separation anxiety issues.
Leo: We can do this.
(Paige turns to a page in the Book of Shadows.)
Paige: Hey, here he is, the Hawker Demon. “A breed of demon known for hawking magical goods at the demonic market.”
Piper: Magical goods? My baby is a magical good? That is sick and twisted.
Leo: The question is who would wanna buy him and why?
[Scene: Demon Marketplace. The place is crowded with funky looking demons buying weapons, books, ingredients for potions… At a stall, a gypsy is tied up. Two Parasite Demons with bleached white hair and red eyes are there with the Hawker Demon.]
Parasite Demon #1: We paid you for a baby, not a gypsy!
Hawker: And I told you the little brat had a force field protecting it.
Parasite Demon #2: Which is why we want it, you idiot. The shield is what makes that kid a perfect battery.
Parasite Demon #1: A self-sustaining, never ending source of magical power. We tap into that power and it will return us to our former strength.
Parasite Demon #2: Or would you have us stay weaklings, Hawker, doomed to feed on the magic of others forever?
Hawker: Look, I am sorry that the witch cursed you, and I’m sorry that you lost all of your powers, that’s a tough break. But it’s not my fault.
(A woman with greyish long hair and wearing black clothes approaches them.)
Hawker: Madame, how may I serve you today?
Crone: The eyes of two dozen adult brown bats and a large boar’s tongue, please.
Hawker: Right away.
(Hawker gets the tongue and eyes and wraps them in some paper.)
Parasite Demon #1: We’re not finished here. She can wait her turn.
Crone: Bottom feeders. (She looks at a jar of eyes.) What is it that’s keeping you alive today, hm? Feed on a troll for breakfast this morning?
Parasite Demon #2: Back off, Crone.
(They glare at each other. Crone then turns to Hawker.)
Crone: I sense danger, Hawker. The task these leeches seek you for will bring only death and destruction, and not to our enemies. Turn them away.
Hawker: Your order, madam.
(He holds out the wrapped up tongue and eyes. She hands him some coins and takes it. She walks away.)
Parasite Demon #1: You’re not gonna listen to that crazy old wretch, are you?
Hawker: Crone’s wisdom is ancient and renowned. I have already lost one demon on this job. Now, you either take the gypsy or nothing.
Parasite Demon #2: We’ll take the gypsy to tide us over, and we’ll double the bounty on the infant.
Parasite Demon #1: Or maybe we’ll pay that to another Hawker. In which case the bounty will be on your head.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Main room. Phoebe and employees are gathered around the room.]
Elise: I know it’s not much of a choice but there it is. We find ways to make him happy or we find new jobs.
Phoebe: Well, he can’t be any tougher to please than you, right Elise?
(They all laugh.)
Elise: One can only hope. All I know is his name is Jason Dean, he’s new money, some kind of dot com millionaire, and he’s known for his shaking up the companies that he buys.
Kate: Shaking up as in layoffs?
Elise: Honestly, Kate, you know as much as I do.
Kate: So you don’t know if you’ll be employed tomorrow either.
Elise: Look, guys, he’ll be here soon and we can get a better read then. In the meantime I suggest we all get back to work.
Phoebe: Work, schmirk. I got baby pictures here. Gather around, people. (Everyone stands around Phoebe while she hands out photos of her nephew.) You are looking at six pounds, eight ounces of pure deliciousness.
Woman: How’s your sister doing?
Phoebe: Healthy as a horse.
Woman: You think he’s gonna keep those blue eyes?
Phoebe: You know, he might because his daddy has light eyes.
(Jason Dean joins the crowd.)
Jason: How old is he?
Phoebe: Three weeks today.
Jason: Wow. You look pretty good for a woman who had a baby three weeks ago.
Phoebe: Oh, no, I’m not his mummy, I’m just his… (She looks at the handsome man.) Auntie. Hi, have we met?
Jason: Jason Dean.
Phoebe: Oh, god!
(Elise rushes to him.)
Elise: I’m sorry, y-y-you’re Mr. Dean?
Jason: Jason, please.
Phoebe: Wow, that-that’s some weird stuff because you’re really… young, young.
(Phoebe nervously fans her face with the photos.)
Jason: You know it’s strange. I always pictured a newspaper bullpen as being a little more, I don’t know, bustling.
(Everyone quickly gets back to work.)
Jason: Oh, hey, no.
Elise: I’m Elise Rothman. Let me show you around.
Jason: Honestly, Elise, I didn’t mean to insult your team. I grew up reading comic books, The Daily Planet, bustled.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, in all fairness, Superman can move faster than a speeding bullet, so he’s got a little leg up on the bustling, you know?
Jason: A woman who knows her superheroes. I’m impressed.
Phoebe: I-I’m Phoebe.
(She shakes his hand.)
Jason: I know. I’ve been doing a lot of homework, a lot of reading. Circulation is down and…
(He looks down and Phoebe is still shaking his hand.)
Phoebe: Oh, sorry.
Jason: I plan to bring it up and from what I’ve seen that’s gonna start with you.
Phoebe: Wow, that’s really sweet. (to Elise) Isn’t that sweet? Did you hear that? I’m sorry about the little picture show, you know?
Jason: Oh, if I had a nephew that cute I’d show him off too. The best I can do is… (He pulls out his wallet and shows her a picture of a dog.) Picture of my dog.
(He smiles. Phoebe takes his wallet and looks closer at the picture.)
Elise: Mr. Dean, if you’d like I could give you a tour.
Jason: Great. Phoebe. (She gives him back his wallet.) Let’s talk soon.
Phoebe: He has your eyes.
(Jason laughs. Elise and Jason walk away. Phoebe continues to fan her face with the photos and goes into her office.)
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Paige walks in through the door and walks into the parlor where Piper, Leo and the baby are. Piper and Leo are looking at the family tree.]
Paige: Well, the neighbours who don’t already think we’re crazy now officially do. But the house is surrounded by apples and sage.
Piper: Thank you. I know you think it’s a waste of time but…
Paige: Well, you know, if it worked we would’ve done it already.
Piper: Every little bit helps.
Paige: Alright. How’s your ritual coming?
Piper: It’s not.
Paige: What? I thought you were gonna try to call the baby’s fairy guards.
Piper: We were, we are, but to perform the ritual properly you have to have a name for the baby first.
Leo: So we busted out the family tree hoping to find some new ideas.
Paige: Let me see. (She sits beside them.) Okay, right away I’m gonna say I’m against the name Herbert.
Piper: Yeah, we already vetoed Clarence and Milton as well.
(Paige looks at the bottom of the paper.)
Paige: Not to be too self-centred but where am I on the tree?
Leo: Oh, uh…
Piper: Well, we haven’t had a chance to update it lately.
Paige: Oh, right.
Leo: Yeah, the baby’s not even on there either.
Paige: Well, yeah, that’s because he doesn’t have a name yet, Leo.
Piper: Well, Paige, it’s just a piece of paper, it doesn’t mean anything.
Paige: I know that. Anyway, wiccan rituals and fairy guards notwithstanding, I think it’s time we bust out some serious ammo.
Piper: As in…?
Paige: As in a good old fashioned demon hunt. I say we bypass the Hawker and go for the jerk that hired him to steal the baby in the first place.
Paige: Not so sure just yet but I will say this. Once we find him, we use him to send a message, “If you come after this baby you will die in the cruellest manor possible.
(The baby starts to cry and Piper goes to the bassinet.)
Piper: Well, I like the message. Um, you know, except…
(Piper picks up the baby and carries him to a change table.)
Piper: Except for the part where I have to leave my newborn child to go demon hunting. I’m just, I’m not ready.
Paige: Okay, fine, I can understand that. I’ll just, uh, I’ll take Phoebe.
(Piper changes the baby’s diaper.)
Leo: Except that she’s got a really big day at work today and we kinda need her money right now.
Paige: I’ll go by myself.
Leo: No way, you don’t even know what kind of demon we’re up against.
Paige: Fine, but I am the baby’s godmother. It’s my job to protect him and if I don’t stop him, the Hawker will come back.
Leo: Alright, then let’s get ready for him.
Piper: Exactly. We’ll lay a trap for him. Maybe we’ll kidnap him and sell him to the highest bidder. (Piper picks up the baby and puts him back in the bassinet.) What do you think? That’s a good idea.
Leo: Then we can find out who hired him and force him to take us to them.
Paige: No, it sounds risky.
Leo: Well, he has his own force field and your alarm system. It’s no more risky than you going off on your own on some wild goose chase.
Piper: He’s right, you should go get the crystals for the trap.
(Paige goes upstairs. The phone rings. Leo answers it.)
Phoebe: Don’t hello me. You know who I’m calling to talk to.
(Leo walks into the conservatory.)
Leo: Well, he’s resting right now. How’d it go with the new boss?
Phoebe: Oh, Jason Dean? I wanna bury his children but that’s beside the point. Now let me talk to…
Leo: What? You have a crush on the new boss?
Phoebe: I don’t think I like your tone of voice, mister. Now please let me talk to my nephew, I don’t want him to forget my voice.
Leo: Well, he needs his rest. It’s-it’s been a little hectic around here.
Phoebe: Hectic? What do you mean, hectic?
Leo: Well, I didn’t want to worry you but there was an attack. They were after the baby.
Phoebe: What? Why didn’t you tell me?
Leo: I did tell you. I-I just told you.
Phoebe: Okay, well, I’m coming home.
Leo: You don’t have to, we have it under control, there’s nothing to worry about. We’ll call you if we need you.
Phoebe: Leo, this is my nephew we’re talking about, okay? You should’ve called me. I’ll just tell Jason that I have to work from home for the rest of the day.
(She hangs up.)
[Cut to The Bay Mirror. Elise’s office. Elise and Jason are there.]
Jason: In today’s market image and content are inseparable. We could publish a Pulitzer-Prize winning article but with our puny circulation, who’s gonna notice?
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Hi. Is this a bad time?
Jason: No, come in, come in. Here, look at this woman. Beautiful, smart, funny. And she can write. With the right exposure, she could kick Dear Abby down into the bush leagues. She’s a commodity.
Phoebe: Thank you, I-I think. Now that I have your attention…
Elise: And we’ve worked hard to capitalise on her. She has billboards, she’s done guest spots on local radio shows, she did that spread in 415 magazine.
Jason: And don’t think I didn’t see it. What I was wondering was what we could do differently with regard to content.
Jason: I was thinking we expand her column. Have her write a series of features road testing her own advice, or a series on the best singles spots in San Francisco based on her own undercover experience.
Elise: I like it. Phoebe and I can work this afternoon, put some ideas together…
Phoebe: No, we can’t. I’m sorry, but I have to work from home for the rest of the afternoon.
Phoebe: Why? Uh, well, because I have a new baby… a new nephew at home and he demands a lot of attention…
Jason: But he’s got parents, right? Is there something here I’m missing?
Phoebe: No. Look, Elise has never minded me working from home.
Elise: Yes, but Phoebe, we’re talking about expanding your column. I should think you’d want a hand in what that’s going to look like.
Phoebe: Well, of course I do, Elise, but…
Jason: Are we not paying you enough?
Phoebe: No, that’s not it.
Jason: Okay, sit down with Elise, come up with some new ideas, and while you’re at it discuss what you think your new salary should be. We’ll meet again late this afternoon. (His cell phone rings and he answers it.) Yeah? Great.
(He leaves the office.)
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper and Leo are there looking at their baby.]
Piper: Why would somebody want to hurt something so innocent? (Leo points at Paige who is asleep on the couch. They walk into the conservatory.) Poor Paige. She’s getting all the hassles of parenthood with none of the rewards.
Leo: I think a smile from her nephew is all she’ll ever want. It’s gonna be okay, Piper.
Leo: Because babies are resilient and ours has a little extra of that.
Piper: But even so, I mean, it can’t be good for him. Even if he can handle the demons, he must sense the tension which means at the very best, we end up with a neurotic infant.
Leo: Look on the bright side, growing up with your sisters, he was bound to be neurotic anyway.
(They laugh and hug. Suddenly, Paige comes flying in the room. The baby alarm goes off. Piper and Leo run into the parlor to see the Hawker and another demon there. The demon has a red beam of light hitting the bassinet which is causing it to float in mid-air.)
(Piper dives on the bassinet pushes it out of the beam’s way. They land on the floor. Leo tackles the two demons.)
Paige: Leo! (Leo gets out of the way and Paige puts down a crystal near the demons creating a crystal cage. The demons scream and they are vanquished, leaving only a knife.) I guess I over charged it.
(Paige picks up the knife. Leo rushes over to Piper and the baby. The baby cries.)
Piper: I got you, bub. You’re alright.
Leo: How’s my little buddy doing, huh?
Piper: I think we need a little bit of healing here.
Leo: Well, he looks fine to me.
Piper: Not him, me.
(She looks down at her leg and falls back unconscious. Paige and Leo look at the broken bone sticking out of Piper’s leg. They wince at the sight.)
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Paige has propped Piper’s head onto her lap. Leo is about to heal Piper’s leg.]
Leo: Okay, now, easy, watch her head. Alright, make sure you hold her hands, we don’t want her blowing anything up.
(Paige holds Piper’s arms.)
Paige: Just do it.
(Leo heals Piper’s leg and Piper sits up quickly.)
Piper: Where’s the baby?
Leo: It’s alright, honey, he’s okay.
Piper: They knew about the force field, they almost blew him out of the window.
Leo: Yeah, but they didn’t, and right now our concern is about you.
Piper: Me? Why? I’m healed.
Leo: Yes, but the fact is that you needed to be healed, that’s what I’m talking about.
Piper: Yeah, I guess I’m not so invincible anymore, huh?
Paige: Well, it makes sense since you got the power from him and he’s not inside you anymore.
Leo: I was just hoping he would’ve left a little bit behind for mama.
Piper: Well, the theory did occur to me but I haven’t had a chance to test it out.
Leo: This is serious, Piper. You need to learn how to be careful again now that you’re vulnerable.
Piper: I don’t have to luxury of being careful now that half of demonville is after our child.
Paige: Um, what do you think about using he athame to scry for the demonic market? I mean, it makes sense that the Hawker demon got it there.
Paige: We can disguise ourselves as demons, infiltrate the market and pretend that we know how to get the Charmed Ones’ baby.
Piper: It’s a smart plan. Then we could find out what sicko is in the market to buy him.
Paige: Right, then we vanquish them, everyone they’ve ever met, and proceed with our original demon killing, message sending plan.
Piper: It’s a very wordy, very good plan.
Leo: Oh, it’s a good idea to send the mother of my child into the hornets nest because you overcharged the trap?
Paige: Oh, gee, one little mistake, man.
Piper: It’s okay, she’s right, we can go.
Paige: Right. (Paige gets up.) You sure you’re okay to do this?
(Piper thinks for a moment.)
Piper: No, I can’t go.
Paige: Okay, I’ll just go check the Book of Shadows, see if I missed anything. He’ll be okay.
(Paige leaves the room.)
Piper: I think it’s time we called Phoebe.
Leo: I called her, she said she was on her way home. I’ll call her again.
(Leo gets up and goes to the phone.)
Piper: You’re okay, little guy, we’re not gonna let anybody steal you.
[Cut to Piper’s room. Paige walks in and goes over to the bassinet. She picks up the blanket with the triquetra symbol on it.]
[Cut to the woods. Paige is there wearing a tight short blue dress and a blonde wig. She is holding the baby blanket.]
Paige: It’s okay, Paige, it’s okay. I fought fairytales earlier this year, you can do this, you can do this.
(Suddenly, an energy ball flies out of nowhere and hits Paige in the chest. She falls flat on her face. Two demon guards literally walk out of two trees.
Demon Guard #1: Lost, little girl?
(Paige gets up.)
Paige: You have a really messed up idea of customer service.
Demon Guard #2: What?
Paige: I am a dissatisfied customer. (She pulls a knife out from under the blanket.) I bought this athame here at the market. It’s supposed to flame. It doesn’t. I paid a pretty penny for it too. And for what? It almost got me killed trying to steal the Charmed Ones’ baby. You know what I got for my efforts? A nice little blanket. Mm, sweet. Oh, and the Hawker who hired me? He got eighty-sixed, so I didn’t even get a pay day.
Demon Guard #1: Who are you?
Paige: I told you, I’m a dissatisfied customer. (Paige stabs Guard #2 in the stomach and vanquishes him.) See? No flame.
(Demon Guard #1 waves his arm and a portal-like door to the market appears between two trees. Paige walks through into the market. The Demon Guard waves his arm again and closes the portal door.)
[Cut to the market. Paige walks through the busy street.]
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise’s office. Phoebe, Elise and Jason are there.]
Phoebe: So we thought I could hit up a couple of clubs around town and try out the pick-up lines that I suggested in my column.
Elise: Then she’ll report back on how they work off the page and in the world.
Jason: I love it. It’s sexy as hell.
Phoebe: Okay, great. So why don’t I go home and try to work on…
(Jason’s phone rings and he answers it.)
Jason: Yeah? Uh-huh… no… no, definitely not. Great. (He hangs up. Phoebe impatiently taps her pen on her book.) Are you okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, I’m fine. I just, I have a little blood sugar issue, it’s nothing serious but I have to eat.
Jason: Say no more. You like Chinese? Food, not people.
Phoebe: I really need to get home.
Jason: Elise, could you excuse us for a moment?
Elise: Sure. I’ll just, um… be over here.
(Elise walks past Phoebe and mouths something to her. She leaves.)
Jason: Is this about your sister’s baby again?
Phoebe: Yes, it is actually. I need to go spend some time with him.
Jason: With your sister’s baby?
Phoebe: Yes. Look, you may not understand but that baby needs me right now.
Jason: Is your sister a single parent?
Jason: Look, Phoebe, I think it’s really wonderful that you love your nephew this much, I really do. But you have a job.
Phoebe: Yeah, and I think I do it pretty well.
Jason: Yes, you do. Until recently.
Phoebe: Excuse me?
Jason: I spent some of the afternoon going over your columns from the last few weeks, (he walks past Phoebe and Phoebe takes the opportunity to check out his butt. He walks around Elise’s desk and sits down.) and they’ve become very…
Jason: Baby-centric. They’re all about diapers and mother’s milk. They don’t even read like you, they’ve lost your edge. You’re sexy.
Phoebe: Okay, any writer, any good writer, uses their life experiences in their work.
Jason: That’s true. But if all you’ve got to inform your work is someone else’s baby, maybe you need to re-evaluate your priorities.
(There’s a knock on the door and Phoebe’s assistant walks in.)
Assistant: I’m sorry, Mr. Dean, but Phoebe, your brother-in-law is on the phone and it’s the third time he’s called.
Phoebe: What? Why didn’t you tell me.
(Phoebe rushes out of the office.)
[Cut to the manor. Parlor. Piper and the baby are there. Leo orbs in with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: I don’t understand. Why didn’t you juts orb for me when they wouldn’t put me through?
(Phoebe rushes over to the bassinet.)
Leo: Because I didn’t want to leave the house unless it was absolutely necessary.
Phoebe: Oh, right. Okay, so there was another kidnap attempt?
(Phoebe reaches in to pick up the baby but Piper stops her.)
Piper: Yes, shh.
(They move away from the bassinet.)
Phoebe: I can’t believe they didn’t put you through.
Leo: They said you were in an important meeting and the boss said that you shouldn’t be disturbed.
Phoebe: Unbelievable. And he says I have my priorities mixed up?
Phoebe: Jason Dean.
Leo: Jason. (Looks at Piper.) Jason Halli…
Phoebe: Oh, don’t even think about it, mister.
Piper: Please tell me you didn’t get fired.
Phoebe: No, I didn… I don’t think I did. (The baby wakes up and starts to cry. The baby alarm goes off.) What the hell is that?
Piper: Baby alarm.
Phoebe: What? (Phoebe rushes over to the baby and picks him up. The alarm stops.) I know, so much excitement. What was that alerting us to exactly?
Leo: Demons, there’s supposed to be demons in the house.
Phoebe: Look at that, he’s not even crying. You are so brave. You’re like a little brave soldier.
Leo: Maybe the alarm is faulty.
Piper: Paige would know. Where is Paige?
[Cut to the attic. Piper, carrying the baby, Leo and Phoebe walk in.]
Piper: Oh my god, she’s not here.
Phoebe: Okay, why is that an ‘oh my god’?
(Piper puts the baby into the attic’s bassinet.)
Leo: The scyring tools are out.
(Piper looks on the table.)
Piper: The hand grenade potion is gone.
Phoebe: Will some please tell me what’s going on here? (Piper picks up a piece of paper.) What is that, a spell?
Piper: No, it’s a note. “Gone to market. Back soon.”
Phoebe: Okay, well, that’s good news, right? She went to the market. Right?
[Scene: Demonic Market. Paige is walking down the busy street with a large demon.]
Demon Saleswoman: Come on, guys, this is top of the line. The power to throw fireballs twenty yards. Now let’s hear a serious offer.
Large Demon: Now, if you need any powers, there’s where to go.
Paige: You’re such a great tour guide.
(They pass a demon selling tonics.)
Demon Salesman: Looking for that little something extra? You didn’t become a demon to just stand on the sidelines. Now, watch and see what my permutonic can do for you.
(He drinks the tonic and becomes a large muscular demon. The crowd is amazed. Paige and the large demon stop.)
Large Demon: I think up there’s the guys you’re looking for. The parasites.
Paige: Oh, parasites? Should I be frightened?
Large Demon: Nah. They were bad-ass once but some witch cursed them, took away their powers. Pitiful little bastards. Even a girl like you could take them.
Paige: Oh, really? A girl like me? Then I might just have to. Well, thank you for the tour. I suppose you’ll be wanting your payment now.
Large Demon: You know I will.
(He reaches for her.)
(A fireball orbs out of a demon woman’s hand, which she was throwing up and down like a ball. It orbs into Paige’s hand and she throws it at the Large Demon, vanquishing him.)
Demon Woman: Hey!
Paige: Sorry, he was getting a little grabby.
(Paige heads for a building ahead.)
[Cut to inside the building. The Parasite demons are feeding off a gypsy’s powers. Paige walks in.]
Paige: Excuse me. Anyone here interested in a Charmed One’s offspring?
Parasite Demon #1: Who are you?
Paige: I’m the reason you’re not gonna need that food anymore, not after you hear what I have to say.
Parasite Demon #2: The food is dead. You were saying?
Paige: Just that the Hawker who hired me to grab the baby screwed up the job and got himself dead. He didn’t say who hired him but I heard it was you.
Parasite Demon #2: So what if it was?
Paige: Don’t get nervous. I’m just here for the bounty. The offer still stands, right?
Parasite Demon #1: First, tell us why you’re still alive.
Paige: I’ll take that as a yes.
(Paige pulls out the grenade potion from behind the baby blanket and throws it at the Parasite Demons. They feed off the power from the explosion and then start to feed off Paige’s. Her blonde wig is blown off her head and she falls to the floor.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there. Phoebe is scrying for the demonic market.]
Phoebe: Come on, people, talk to me. (The crystal points to a spot on the map.) Bingo. We have a location of the market.
Piper: Yes. (to Leo) Anything on Paige?
Leo: I can’t sense her at all. But that doesn’t mean we should panic. Her signal might be blocked by the magic of the marketplace.
Phoebe: Right, there’s no reason to panic. I mean, our sister went alone to demonville, she has no idea what or who she’s up against, so there’s no reason to panic, right?
Piper: Phoebe, it was my fault. I should’ve gone with her.
Phoebe: I would have gone with her had she called me.
Piper: Well, I told her not to bother you ’cause you were trying to impress your new boss.
Phoebe: I was not trying to impress my boss, thank you.
Leo: You weren’t? But this morning…
Phoebe: We- I… Okay, maybe this morning I was trying to impress him but I’m not, so can we talk about anything but Jason Dean, please? Thank you very much.
Leo: Yeah, let’s talk about how we’re gonna find Paige.
Phoebe: Oh. Well, we’re gonna write a spell that’s gonna carry us to the market. Can I have some paper?
(Piper picks up Paige’s note and hands it to Phoebe. Phoebe gets a premonition. In the premonition, the Parasite Demons are sucking Paige’s power out of her.)
Piper: Are you okay?
Phoebe: No. It’s time to panic.
(The baby alarm goes off.)
Piper: Oh my god!
[Scene: Demon Market. Building. Paige is tied to a table. The Parasite Demons stand beside her.]
Parasite Demon #2: I say we suck her dry, nice and slow.
Parasite Demon #1: Tempting, but…
Parasite Demon #2: But what? You forget that is was one of her kind that cursed us to this life?
Parasite Demon #1: Say we kill her, get revenge on yet another witch. Then what? We’re still parasites. Nothing will have changed.
Parasite Demon #2: She’ll be dead. That’s change.
Parasite Demon #1: We’ll still be bound to this trivial existence. Think about it. She’s a Charmed One, her sisters will sense her if we keep her alive. And then they will come for her.
Parasite Demon #2: Then when they do, the infant will be left vulnerable.
[Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper is holding the baby. Leo walks in.]
Leo: Unless they’re invisible, there’s no demons in the house.
Piper: Then why does the alarm keep going off?
Leo: We’d have to ask Paige.
Phoebe: Oh, we’d better hurry because from what I saw, she doesn’t have a lot of time.
Piper: You want me to leave my baby when the alarm designed to sense evil is going off every ten minutes?
Phoebe: Believe me, Piper, I don’t wanna leave the baby either, but the alarm is broken, there is no evil in this house.
Piper: But we’ve gone up against invisible demons before, you know, demons that morph into lamps, lamps that morph into demons, demons in the walls.
Phoebe: But don’t think if they were here they’d be attacking the baby by now? (The baby gurgles and smiles.) Oh, look at him, he’s smiling! Oh, you are so brave.
Leo: He’s smiling?
Phoebe: Either that or he has gas.
(Leo gets an idea.)
Leo: Piper, put him down.
Leo: He was crying when the demon attacked.
Leo: So just put him down a minute and come over here. You too, Phoebe.
Leo: Trust me.
Piper: Okay. (Piper puts the baby into the bassinet and walks away.) What are we doing?
Leo: Just wait.
Phoebe: For what?
(The baby alarm goes off. Piper and Phoebe race over to the baby.)
Leo: That’s what.
Phoebe: I don’t get it.
Leo: He’s doing it, he’s using his powers to set off the alarm.
Piper: Because he figured out when it goes off, that we’ll come running.
Phoebe: He’s just trying to get attention. He’s a genius. Oh, you’re a genius!
Leo: That’s my boy, using your powers.
Piper: Are you trying to give mummy a heart attack? Is that what you’re trying to do?
Leo: So I guess it’s safe to say you can go help Paige.
Phoebe: Are you gonna be okay?
Piper: Yeah, okay. Grab some potions. Because if I’m going to that market and leaving him here, we’re not taking no prisoners.
Leo: Well, just be careful.
Piper: I will.
Leo: You’re not invincible anymore.
Piper: I know. It’s just so hard to leave. (Phoebe hugs the bassinet.) So hard to make Phoebe leave.
Leo: Well, just make sure you come back.
Piper: You take care of him. I mean, one hair out of place on the head, you and me, issues.
Leo: I will. At the first sign of trouble I will orb him out.
Piper: Okay. Phoebe, here we go, here we go.
[Scene: Woods. Piper and Phoebe arrive. An energy ball comes out of nowhere and flies past them. The Demon Guard literally walks out of a tree.]
Phoebe: Where’s the market?
Demon Guard: Who are you?
Piper: I’m the mother. (Piper tries to blow up the demon and he goes flying through the market door. They stand in front of the door, looking in on a crowd of demons.) Which one of you dirtbags put the bounty on my baby?
(A demon in the crowd throws a stream of fire towards the girls. Piper blows it up and then blows the demon up.)
[Cut to the building. Screams and explosions are heard. Parasite Demon #1 looks out the window as Piper makes her way through the crowd, blowing up everyone in her way. Piper and Phoebe head for the building.]
Parasite Demon #1: They’re here.
Parasite Demon #2: It’s baby time.
[Cut to the manor. Parlor. Leo is there reading a book. The baby alarm goes off and Leo kneels beside the bassinet.]
Leo: It’s okay, buddy, mummy’ll be home soon.
(The Parasite Demons stand beside Leo and suck out his powers. He falls to the floor. The baby cries.)
[Scene: Market. Building. Piper and Phoebe walk in.]
Phoebe: Where are they?
Piper: I know you are very happy to see us.
Paige: The baby.
Phoebe: He’s fine, he’s with Leo.
Paige: The Parasites, they’ll absorb Leo’s power.
(They untie Paige.)
Piper: What? Can you orb?
Paige: No. No, they took my powers away.
(They help Paige up.)
Phoebe: We’ve gotta get to the other side of the gate.
(Piper picks up the baby’s blanket.)
Piper: That is mine.
[Cut to the street. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk out of the building and down the street. Paige drops the blanket. Crone walks over to the blanket and picks it up.]
[Cut to the manor. Parlor. The Parasite Demons are sucking the power out of the baby.]
Parasite Demon #1: Do you feel the power?
Parasite Demon #2: It’s fantastic. But how will we get him out of here?
Parasite Demon #1: Keep draining the magic. The force field will falter and then he’ll be ours.
(Leo wakes up and gets up. He grabs a lamp and smashes it over them. He weakly kneels beside the bassinet. The Parasite Demons continue to suck their powers.)
[Cut to the manor. Piper, Phoebe and Paige appear. Piper and Phoebe sit Paige down on the couch.]
Paige: Go. Don’t let them put their hands on you.
[Cut to the parlor.]
(Piper and Phoebe run down the stairs. Piper blows up Parasite #1. The other one disappears.)
Piper: He got away.
Phoebe: It’s okay, let him go.
Piper: I said no prisoners. (to Leo) Are you okay?
Piper: Then we’re going back.
[Cut to the market. Night. Building. Crone is there, holding the baby blanket. Parasite Demon #2 appears.]
Crone: You did this to us. I warned you.
Parasite Demon #2: The witches did this, not me.
Crone: The witches have nothing compared to… This child is powerful beyond your understanding. What I have foreseen, is not to be ignored.
Parasite Demon #2: What? What did you see? What is he?
Crone: He is our end. We’ll have nothing more to do with this… being.
Parasite Demon #2: That’s easy for you to say. You have powers of your own.
(Piper and Phoebe walk in.)
Crone: And I enjoy using them. (She points her fingers at the Parasite Demon and a tunnel of sand surrounds him. He screams out and turns to dust. Crone turns to Piper and Phoebe.) Your sister’s powers have been restored.
Phoebe: Who are you?
Crone: I represent those in power. Rest assured a law will be passed forbidding any further attempts on your child.
Piper: Why? What do you stand to gain?
Crone: Nothing. You have proven that the costs of a war will far outweigh the benefits. Consider this our white flag. (She hands them the baby blanket.) Now I suggest you rest well and preserve your energies. From what I’ve foreseen you’re going to need them.
Phoebe: Way to send a message, warrior mum!
Piper: I don’t know about that.
Phoebe: You didn’t believe her?
Piper: Well, partially, but I think this had more to do with him than anything we did.
Phoebe: What do you think she foresaw?
Piper: I wish I knew.
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are standing around the bassinet. Phoebe has her head in the bassinet making baby voices.]
Phoebe: Oh, I could eat you! Yes, I could! Yes, I could.
Piper: Pheebs, after the demonic Parasites that did actually kinda wanna eat him, not so cute.
Phoebe: Gotcha. Ooh, I could smush you! Ooh, I could just smush your little face! Ooh, la, la, la, la.
Piper: Much better.
Paige: Is that his new name? Smush-face Halliwell?
Leo: It’s about as good as everything else we’ve come up with.
Phoebe: No new ideas, huh?
Leo: Uh, no, you know, we’ve been so busy with the alarm and the demon fighting and the sister saving.
Paige: I’m sorry.
Piper: Oh, don’t be sorry, Paige. You were brave and you inspired me to fight and you made the world a safer place for our baby. Which is why I would like to give the baby the middle name of Matthew, in honour of his super protective Aunt Paige.
Phoebe: I think that’s a great idea.
Piper: What do you think?
Piper: And I also have an idea for his first name. Wyatt. In honour of his very protective daddy.
Leo: Really? Well, it doesn’t start with a P.
Piper: Ah, so we break the tradition.
(Phoebe picks up Wyatt.)
Phoebe: Happy baby. Why don’t we ask him? W- That’s probably your job.
(She hands Wyatt to Piper.)
Piper: Wyatt Matthew Halliwell. Is that your name? What do you think? It’s a good one.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise’s office. Jason is sitting at the desk looking through some books. Phoebe knocks at the door and walks in.]
Phoebe: I thought you’d still be here.
Jason: Yeah, well, there’s a lot to do.
Phoebe: Um, I just came by to say that I’m really sorry.
Jason: Huh, I didn’t figure you for the type to apologise easily.
Phoebe: Yeah, I’m not, I only apologise when I’m wrong. Okay, I wasn’t entirely wrong, there was an emergency at home and I did need to leave. And in the future, if you’re gonna hold my calls, I hope you tell me.
Jason: This is an apology?
Phoebe: Yes, because about the other stuff, you were right. I got overwhelmed by the baby and I lost my voice, my perspective.
Jason: That’s really…
Phoebe: It’s just since we were kids, we always shared everything equally, so when the baby came I just thought it should be the same way. You know, which is ridiculous ’cause I’m not his mum, I’m his aunt, and it actually works out great for me ’cause mums have to parent, you know, and I just get to spoil.
Jason: Well, that’s understandable…
Phoebe: And I know you’re really busy and you don’t need to be listening to some advice columnist’s psycho babble, but… um… if I still have a job, I promise you’ll see all the changes you’re looking for in my column first thing in the morning.
Jason: Great. Can I talk now?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
Jason: I knew less about my last girlfriend’s family than I’ve learned about yours in the last five minutes.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Jason: Still talking.
Jason: I am busy but making this paper work is important to me, and if that means listening to an advice columnist’s late night psycho babble then that’s what I’m willing to do.
Jason: Still talking.
Jason: This paper can’t afford to lose you, Phoebe, you’re too valuable, too talented. And if you can admit when you’re wrong, then so can I.
Jason: So, in the future, if I have to hold your calls I’ll let you know.
Phoebe: Thank you.
Jason: You’re welcome. Done talking.
(She giggles and stands there uncomfortably while he watches her. She points to the door and leaves. He continues to work.)