Carpe Demon

Written by: Curtis Kheel
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick

Season 7, Episode 14
Episode Number: 148

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there talking on the phone while holding a crying Chris. Wyatt is sitting in a highchair.]

Piper: Yeah, I get that, Rex, but I need you at the club. You’re supposed to be there. Valentine’s Day is gonna be a very busy night. Can’t you ask her to marry you another night?

(Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: Get off that phone.

Piper: You know what, I’ll handle it. Good luck. (Piper hangs up.) I hope she says no.

Phoebe: Take a look at this. This is the new face of evil. (She shows Piper a newspaper.) His name is John Normand. He owns the phone company, and he’s been stealing from us for months. Doesn’t that just make you angry?

Piper: Not really.

Phoebe: Wait, he’s been stealing from us, and he’s probably gonna get away with it due to some loophole or something.

(Piper puts Chris down on the change table.)

Piper: Phoebe, I’m a little more worried about the actual demons in the world, you know, the ones we almost got rid of.

Phoebe: Yeah, there’s nothing we can do about them. We tried to save the world, it didn’t work. The demons are gonna attack when they’re gonna attack.

Piper: And when they do, we’re just gonna be right back to the same old… (Piper takes off Chris’ diaper.) Wow!

Phoebe: Whoa! You’re not kidding. Wow!

Piper: Okeydokey. (Piper puts a new diaper on Chris.) Speaking of which, could you do me a favour and watch the boys tonight? I need Leo to help me set up at P3, and apparently my manager is busy proposing.

Phoebe: Yeah, sure, of course. It’s not like anyone’s proposing to me, or like anyone’s sending me flowers or reciting me poetry. So much for the little girl I saw in my vision.

Piper: Well, Phoebe, just because the Avatars are gone doesn’t mean that you won’t still find love.

Phoebe: Easy for you to say. You have Leo.

Piper: Yeah, but do I really? It’s only a matter of time before the Elders punish him for becoming an Avatar, which they practically drove him to anyway with Gideon and everything.

Phoebe: They made Kyle a Whitelighter, and that’s good, right?

Piper: Yeah, but it took him away from Paige. And believe me, they got their cosmic jollies off that one.

Phoebe: Where is Paige?

Piper: At Magic School, where else? Why?

Phoebe: Just worried about her, that’s all.

[Scene: Magic School. Paige and Miss Donovan are there.]

Paige: It really is another great application.

Miss Donovan: A muse? No, no, no, no. You can’t hire her as the next literature professor. She’ll inspire them to write novels instead of reading them.

Paige: Oh, that’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of that.

Miss Donovan: Well, I did. And that’s why you should hire me.

Paige: What? You want to be a teacher?

Miss Donovan: Well, isn’t it time I moved up? Besides, I had a great rapport with the last literature professor.

Paige: You hated that little gnome, arguing with him five minutes before he was killed.

Miss Donovan: Well, that was our way. Besides, if the truth were told, he’d want me to have the job. I’m very well-read.

Paige: It takes more than that, though. It takes being able to really connect with the students.

Miss Donovan: I can do that. In fact, I’ve got some tricks you don’t even know about.

(Miss Donovan suddenly disappears and she sits up on the couch near by.)

Paige: Did you astral project?

Miss Donovan: Mrs. Winterbourne taught me before she went on sabbatical. Don’t worry, I’ll get used to it. Trust me. I am the best candidate for this job.

(The hear a motorbike.)

Paige: What the hell…

(A guy on a motorbike suddenly appears and he skids across the floor and slams into a table.)

Drake: That’s gonna leave a mark. Sorry about the table.

Paige: Are you okay?

(He turns off the motorbike.)

Miss Donovan: Who are you?

Drake: I’m the new teacher.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Magic School. Continued from before.]

Miss Donovan: You ride in here and nearly kill us, and now you want to teach here?

Drake: If I wanted to teach parallel parking, you might have a point, but I’m here for literature.

Miss Donovan: And what do you know about literature?

Drake: Plenty. (He clicks his fingers and a sheet of paper appears in his hand.) My resume.

(He hands it to Paige.)

Paige: Drake. Huh. Well, maybe you should have sent this in so you didn’t waste your time.

Drake: Oh, I never waste my time. For life is but a walking shadow, the poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale…

Miss Donovan: Tale told…

Drake: Take it, sister.

Miss Donovan: By an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying…

Drake: Nothing.

Paige: You two are not gonna make this easy for me.

Drake: Come on, what are you talking about? No contest. It’s right there on the resume. I studied at Juilliard, performed on Broadway, and I was penning a memoir that I intend to finish on my deathbed.

Miss Donovan: Oh, I look forward to reading that.

Drake: Well, thank you very much.

Paige: Why aren’t any of these credits more than a year long?

Drake: Simple really. Before that I was a demon.

Miss Donovan: What? A demon?

Drake: Was a demon. Now human.

Paige: Okay, and how exactly did that happen?

Drake: Personally, I hate exposition, but if… All right. Fifty weeks ago I made a deal, the Sorcerer made me human.

Paige: Just like that?

Drake: There were a few minor stipulations. First of all, I get to keep my powers, and if I use them in any offensive manner, he gets them, and I burn for all eternity.

Miss Donovan: What are you waiting for? Vanquish him!

Drake: Vanq… Lady. Vanquish. I just want a chance to make up for my demon days. If you don’t believe me, research me, look into my history. I’ve got almost nothing to hide.

Miss Donovan: We’ll see about that.

Paige: Miss Donovan, where are you going?

Miss Donovan: To prove that he’s dangerous.

(Miss Donovan leaves the room.)

Drake: If that is safety, then I am dangerous. Boy, is she gonna be sorry when I get the job.

Paige: Not so fast, Mr. Pompadour Motorcycle Guy. I don’t know what to make of you.

Drake: Why don’t we consult the Book of Shadows? Want a ride?

[Scene: P3. Piper and Leo are there. Piper slaps a cardboard heart onto the wall.]

Piper: Okay, next.

Leo: That one’s ripped.

Piper: So? The crowd will be too. Actually, this is taking far too long. Where’s my staple gun?

Leo: Staple gun? Since when do you staple decorations? Don’t you want everything to be perfect?

Piper: What’s the point? It’s all gonna be torn down tomorrow anyway.

Leo: The point is not to worry about what’s gonna happen tomorrow. The point is to stop and enjoy Valentine’s Day.

Piper: Well, some people can’t forget. Some people would rather see the rips and the flaws so that they’re not totally devastated when they’re all torn down suddenly tomorrow.

Leo: We’re not talking about decorations anymore, are we?

Piper: Look, Leo, I’m sorry, but I can’t just stand here and pretend like everything is not falling apart again. We both know the Elders are not gonna be easy on you.

Leo: When you change the world, you gotta expect consequences.

Piper: Says who? The Elders brought this on themselves. It’s just as much their fault as it is ours, maybe even more so.

Leo: Well, I’m the one that chose to become an Avatar. I betrayed them.

Piper: Because they drove you to it, with Gideon, what he did to Chris and what he tried to do to Wyatt.

Leo: I don’t think they’ll see it that way.

Piper: You need to make them see it that way, or else this may be the last Valentine’s Day we spend together.

[Scene: Underworld. Cave. A Sorcerer and a bounty hunter are there.]

Sorcerer: Your leads are worthless, bounty hunter!

Bounty Hunter: I’m not the one who lost Drake in the first place. That was you, Sorcerer.

Sorcerer: Well, I never dreamt I’d need to keep tabs on him. By now, I thought he would have used his powers for sure.

Bounty Hunter: And yet he hasn’t.

Sorcerer: He’s stronger than I thought, which is why you must find him so I can force him to give in to temptation.

Bounty Hunter: But we are running out of time.

Sorcerer: In more ways than one, Mr. Rathbone. Zankou is moving in to take over the Underworld. If I expect to stop him and to seize the throne for myself, I must have Drake’s powers! I’ll double the bounty, but find him.

(Three demons walk in. Two of the demons are holding onto Miss Donovan and she is struggling to get away.)

Demon: Sir, excuse me, sir. We have a new lead.

Bounty Hunter: A woman? You call that a lead?

Demon: We caught her in the Underworld asking about Drake. She may know where he is.

Sorcerer: Ah, is that so?

Miss Donovan: I don’t know anything. Let me go!

(The Sorcerer holds up a knife.)

Sorcerer: Think harder, my dear.

[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Wyatt and Chris are there. Phoebe is on the phone.]

Phoebe: No, you can not put me on hold again. When are you gonna send me a refund for my phone bill? What do you mean, never? Look, this is… You know what? Forget it. I have call waiting anyway, which you’re probably overcharging me for, right? (She presses a button.) Hello?

Darryl: Hey, Phoebe, it’s Darryl.

Phoebe: Darryl, shouldn’t you be out arresting that thief John Normand? Did you read the paper today? It says that…

Darryl: We got bigger things to worry about. Sheridan’s back.

Phoebe: What? Oh, no. Any more good news?

Darryl: Your friend Brody came to visit me last night and told me that he brought her out of the coma. Didn’t you say he died?

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I never said it stuck. He became a Whitelighter.

Darryl: The point is he did some mumbo jumbo on her where she doesn’t remember anything that happened.

Phoebe: Well, does she remember us?

Darryl: I don’t know yet. He told me to tell her that they went on some undercover mission and that he died and she wound up in a coma. Just how long do you expect her to buy that?

Phoebe: I don’t know. But as long as we don’t trigger her memory, we should be fine.

Darryl: What do you mean, trigger?

Phoebe: Her memory could come back is she’s reminded of us. You have to keep her away from us.

Paige’s Voice: Phoebe, I need you upstairs.

Phoebe: Okay. Coming! Darryl, I’m sorry, I gotta go. You’ll have to deal with this like the rest of us.

(Phoebe hangs up.)

[Cut to the Police Station.]

Darryl: Phoebe…

(Darryl turns around and Sheridan is standing there.)

Sheridan: Phoebe. Do I know her?

Darryl: I don’t know. Do you?

[Cut to the Manor. Attic. Paige is there with Drake. She is flipping through the Book of Shadows.]

Drake: See? Right there. You have nothing to fear.

Paige: What are you talking about? It says that you have the power to fire a thermal blast that can knock out ten demons at a time.

Drake: Yeah, but I told you. If I use them, then the Sorcerer gets them, and that would be bad. It also says that I can be vanquished by the Power of Three. Hello. See? Right there. (He touches the Book.) What?

Paige: You touched it.

Drake: What?

Paige: You touched the Book.

Drake: Oh my god, so I did. I guess that means I’m good.

(He touches the Book again.)

Paige: Stop it. Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn’t. The Book has been tricked before. So have we. Just recently, as a matter of fact.

Drake: All right, then, that explains it. So what did this mistake cost you? A colleague? A friend? A lover?

Paige: Actually, all of the above.

Drake: No wonder you’re so indecisive.

Paige: I’m not indecisive. You think I’m indecisive?

Drake: Paige, making mistakes is what makes us human.

(Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: Hey, sorry. I put the boys down for a nap. Who are you?

Drake: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi.

Paige: Drake, Phoebe. Phoebe, Drake. Yeah. He’s an ex-demon.

Phoebe: What? Excuse me?

Drake: I thought you guys had lots of experience with demons who were human. You married one, didn’t you?

Phoebe: Yes, and divorced. How did you know that?

Drake: Gossip around the office cauldron. Anyway, the point is, girls, you don’t know what it’s like to be judged simply by the way you were born. (He clicks his fingers and suddenly he’s wearing a French costume.) (in French accent) Look well at me and tell me with what hope this vile protuberance can inspire my heart?

(Phoebe laughs.)

Paige: He’s very dramatic.

Phoebe: I see that. I don’t know why Cyrano’s here but he should probably leave because we have our own problems.

Drake: But, my dear Roxanne, feel’st thou my soul, here?

Phoebe: You know, then again, I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. He’s kinda hot.

Paige: He’s hot until you figure out how many people he’s killed.

Drake: Wait a minute. I never killed anyone. (He clicks his fingers and returns to his normal clothes.) Except demons. Killed plenty of them.

Phoebe: Join the club. It sucks, doesn’t it?

Paige: You’re telling me in your whole demonic career, you have not killed one innocent?

Drake: That’s because since the day I was hatched, I’ve been reading books, and they taught me about feelings, human feelings, love, sadness, death. Since then I could never harm an innocent. I always found a way around doing that.

Paige: (to Phoebe) What do you think?

Phoebe: I kind of believe him. You?

Paige: I don’t know. I’m gonna ask Piper.

Drake: Come on, Paige, tell her I’m the right man for the job.

Phoebe: Job? What job?

Paige: Fill her in. I’ll be back.

(Paige orbs out.)

Drake: So you like Gene Kelly movies?

Phoebe: Love ’em. Why?

[Scene: On top of Golden Gate Bridge. Leo is waiting there. Two Elders orb in.]

Leo: Thanks for coming.

Sandra: Of course. After all that’s happened, it’s the least we could do.

Kheel: Oh, please, don’t apologise. If anything, we’ve been far too lenient with him.

Leo: Lenient? You tried to kill me.

Kheel: You left us no choice.

Leo: Funny, I feel the same way.

Sandra: Gentlemen, neither side is without blame. Perhaps we could put the past behind us.

Kheel: And we will… once he’s done the penance for his betrayal.

Leo: That’s why I brought you here. I should be able to defend myself before you issue judgment.

Kheel: Really? And what would you say?

Leo: That what I did was for my family. I was trying to create a better world for them, for all of us.

Kheel: Too bad you failed.

Sandra: Perhaps it would be best if Leo and I spoke alone, if you don’t mind. (Kheel orbs out.) It hasn’t been easy arguing on your behalf.

Leo: Thanks for trying.

Sandra: One word of advice, Leo. Stay out of magical affairs. Or you just might make things even worse for yourself.

[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Drake is there dancing. Phoebe walks down the stairs.]

Phoebe: Wow, let me get this straight. You do musical theatre as well?

Drake: Oh, I’m full of surprises.

(He clicks his fingers and Phoebe is suddenly dressed in a white dress and black vest.)

Phoebe: What’s this?

Drake: Another surprise. (He takes her hands and they start dancing.) Happy Valentines Day.

Phoebe: And to you.

(They lean in to kiss but Piper and Paige walk in and interrupts them.)

Piper: Get your paws off of her!

Drake: So much for romance.

Phoebe: Piper. (Phoebe giggles.) We were just having fun. You know, fun.

Piper: With the demon? Phoebe, how many times have I told you not to play dress up with the demons.

Paige: I’m sure it’s harmless.

Drake: Incidentally, Piper, I am an ex-demon.

Piper: Look, buddy, we’re not gonna let a demon or an ex-demon teach at Magic School. It’s ridiculous.

Paige: Maybe you’re right. Drake, I’m really sorry. It’s just not a real feasible thing for you to do. It could cause too many problems.

Drake: Oh, no, you’re making a terrible mistake. As an ex-demon, I can get through to these kids, I can keep them from going down the path of evil. Phoebe, talk to them, make them see reason.

Phoebe: I can’t. Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but it just… it’s not really practical. I’m sorry.

Drake: This is all wrong. The problem here isn’t me. It’s you three. You’re shaken by the core by what’s happened with the Avatars. (to Paige) You, you just lost faith in yourself, (to Phoebe) and you, you’ve been disheartened by the fight. (to Piper) And you, sweetheart, are just plain mean.

(Piper laughs.)

Piper: Watch it.

(Paige giggles.)

Drake: You’re mean because you closed down your heart. You’re petrified it’s gonna get broken again, aren’t you? You know, there’s only one man I know who can solve all of these problems. (He clicks his fingers and Piper and Paige are suddenly dressed in leather, Phoebe is dressed in a white gown with long red hair, and Drake is dressed as Robin Hood.) Well, come on, Robin Hood.

Paige: You, I’m gonna hire you just so I can fire you.

Piper: Do we look merry to you?

Drake: Well, perhaps you should see the world as Robin Hood would have. He believed in himself, also loved the thrill of the fight. And despite the threat of imminent death, he found love with his dear Maid Marian.

(He kisses Phoebe’s hand.)

Phoebe: That’s very sweet. Isn’t that… You should probably change us back.

Drake: Very well.

(Drake clicks his fingers and they change back to their normal clothes.)

Piper: Kitchen, now, let’s go.

(The girls head for the kitchen.)

Phoebe: (to Drake) You just give me one second.

(The Sorcerer shimmers in behind Drake.)

Drake: I thought they’d never leave.

[Cut to the kitchen.]

Phoebe: Vanquish him? Are you sure?

Piper: Well, if he doesn’t leave, we don’t have a choice.

Phoebe: But his heart is in the right place.

[Cut back to the parlor.]

Sorcerer: Now, let’s see those powers, demon.

[Cut to the kitchen.]

Paige: On the other hand, he still has his demonic powers.

Piper: Hi, waffle much?

(They hear a crash from the other room.)

[Cut to the parlor. Drake falls to the floor. The Sorcerer is standing over him with his arms outstretched. Drake is glowing red.]

Sorcerer: “Darkness within cannot be undone. Embrace your true self.”

(Piper, Phoebe and Paige run in.)

Piper: Here we go again.

(Piper tries to blow him up and he flies across the room and hits the wall.)

Sorcerer: Damn it!

(He shimmers out.)

Phoebe: Drake. Are you okay?

(She runs over to him.)

Drake: Drake? Who’s Drake? I’m Robin… of Locksley.

Paige: Of course you are.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Dining Room. Drake jumps around the corner wielding a bow and arrow.]

Drake: Stand and deliver! (He aims for an apple but the arrow misses and hits a pillow.) Excellent. (He reaches for another arrow. Piper walks in.) John will be no match for me.

Piper: Robin, you missed. And if you put a hole in my wall, you’ll have me to answer to, not some prince.

Drake: My apologies, my good woman, but my aim must be true if I am to right John’s wrongs.

Piper: Right. Just be careful. (Piper walks into the conservatory where Phoebe and Paige are sitting at a table. Phoebe is flipping through the Book of Shadows.) Please tell me you found a way to fix Robin in there.

Phoebe: Not yet. Can’t you just freeze him?

Piper: Nope. Not freezing.

Paige: I’m sorry, you guys. Another big mistake bringing him here.

Phoebe: No, it’s just our lives. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Paige: Yeah, but I don’t understand why it went wrong. Why does the Sorcerer want to turn Drake into Robin Hood, of all things?

Piper: I don’t think he meant to. I think he meant to bring out Drake’s inner demon so he could use his powers. But then I blasted him mid-spell, so instead we got his inner Robin Hood.

Drake: Royal hound! (He shoots another arrow and it smashes a vase of flowers.) Sorry, my fault.

Paige: Another mistake for the Charmed Ones.

Piper: It was an accident.

Paige: Either way, we messed up.

Phoebe: Okay. I found a vanquishing potion for the Sorcerer, but of course, there’s no way to find him.

Paige: How is finding the Sorcerer even gonna fix Drake anyway?

Piper: Actually, I think it will because, if we vanquish the Sorcerer, then it should reverse his magic.

Drake: Saxon dog!

Paige: Okay, well, I’ll go to the Magic School, and I’ll ask Miss Donovan to look through things and see if she can find something that helps us find the Sorcerer.

Phoebe: Or you could just do it yourself.

Paige: Yeah, well, I don’t know the archives that well. And, knowing me, I’d probably mess up.

(Paige orbs out.)

Phoebe: What are we gonna do with her?

Piper: We’ll fix her later. Right now, we need to deal with him.

(They hear a crash and Drake slides along the dining room table. He picks up a sheet of paper.)

Phoebe: What is he doing with my phone bill?

(They rush over to him.)

Drake: Marian, these taxes are outrageous. Prince John has gone too far.

Phoebe: Okay, I’m not Marian, I’m Phoebe, remember? And give me that!

(She snatches the phone bill off him.)

Piper: Prince John has been dead for centuries. He’s not taxing anyone anymore.

Phoebe: Yeah. The phone company is owned by a different John, and he’s, well, a really swell guy.

Drake: Nonsense. The evidence of his misdeeds is right there on the parchment.

(He points to the newspaper.)

Piper: You left that out?

Phoebe: Who knew?

Drake: I think it’s high time I paid John a visit. My steed! (He clicks his fingers and a motorbike appears.) Horsepower.

Piper: What kind of Robin Hood rides a motorcycle?

Phoebe: Forget that. What are we gonna do? We can’t just let him go out there. Especially not with Sheridan back.

Piper: Sheridan’s back?

Phoebe: Did I forget to mention that?

Piper: Go with him.

Phoebe: What?

Piper: You’re the Marian person. Go with him.

Phoebe: Robin, wait. (Phoebe sits on the bike behind Drake.) Here we go. (He hands her his bow.) Oh, okay.

Piper: Helmets please, people.

(Helmets suddenly appear on their heads.)

Drake: Hold on, milady.

(The front doors fly open and they ride out of the manor.)

[Cut to outside a building. Drake and Phoebe pull up on the motorbike.]

Phoebe: Okay, well, no Prince John here. We should probably go home, huh?

Drake: And give up without a fight? I think not. Those riches belong to the people of Sherwood Forest. We must see they’re returned.

Phoebe: I know. But we can’t just steal from the rich and give to the poor. There’s laws against that.

Drake: Marian, have you forgotten what it is to do good?

(They walk inside the building. There is a long line of people waiting inside. Drake walks past the line of people.)

Man: Hey, that guy’s cutting.

(A man stops Drake.)

Man #2: Hey, hey, Pocahontas. There’s a line.

Drake: Little John. You came to join our merry band. Excellent.

Man #2: Who are you calling little?

Office Manager: Excuse me.

Man #2: You want to fight me? Is that it?

(Phoebe rushes up to them.)

Phoebe: No, no, no, no. No, Robin.

Drake: You’ve put on a bit of girth.

Office Manager: Excuse me. I’m the office manager here. Is there a problem?

Man #2: This nutjob’s trying to butt in line.

Phoebe: He doesn’t know any better.

(Drake walks up to the office manager and grabs him by his tie.)

Drake: You will tell me where Prince John is.

Office Manager: Who?

Drake: Prince John.

Phoebe: Okay, we don’t want to kill the peasants. That’s not what we do.

Drake: He is no peasant. He’s an accomplice to the prince’s thievery.

Office Manager: What? I didn’t steal anything.

Man #2: The hell you didn’t. I read the paper. I know you’ve been screwing us. Thanks to you, I can’t afford to take my wife out for Valentine’s Day.

Woman: That’s nothing. They cut off my phone service for no reason. And now they want to charge me to re-connect it.

Man #3: What about their lousy technicians? I wasted a day of work waiting on them.

Man #2: See, you’re making all our lives miserable. Kick his ass, Robin!

Phoebe: No, just tell him where John Normand is. That’s all he wants to know.

Office Manager: Headquarters, financial district.

Phoebe: Great, we’ll find it. Come on.

Office Manager: Just don’t tell him I sent you.

(Phoebe leaves.)

Drake: Good people of Sherwood, the prince has abused his power for far too long. He lives in riches while you live in squalor.

Man #2: Yeah!

Drake: It is high time we take back that which was stolen from you. All of those who wish to join my fight, you follow me!

Everyone: Yeah!

[Cut to outside. A security guard is standing near a Armored Services truck holding up a gun. Suddenly an arrow flies through the air and knocks the gun out of his hand. Drake walks out of the building pointing the bow and arrow.]

Drake: Stand down if you know what’s good for you.

(Drake goes over to the Armored Services truck. Phoebe walks out of the building.)

Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing?

Drake: Marian, you’re just in time. To the end of Prince John’s tyranny!

(He grabs some money out of the truck and throws it into the air. Everyone runs to try catch it.)

Phoebe: You can’t do this!

Drake: Look what the prince has done to these people. How can you turn a blind eye to that? Or has your heart really grown that cold? Fill your hearts and fill your bellies!

(Sirens are heard.)

Phoebe: The police are coming. We gotta go. Let’s go. (She pushes through the crowd.) Excuse me.

(The Sorcerer is watching near by.)

[Scene: Underworld. Cave. Miss Donovan is shackled to the wall. Her astral projected self is trying to unlock the shackles. The Sorcerer stands behind her, watching.]

Miss Donovan: Oh, please. Please…

Sorcerer: So you can astral project. That could come in very handy later. (He pokes her and she astral projects back into her body.) Morning, sunshine.

Miss Donovan: What do you want with me?

Sorcerer: I’m afraid I couldn’t bring the demon out of Drake as I’d planned. I was interrupted by the Charmed Ones.

Miss Donovan: Then they’ll probably come for you.

Sorcerer: Which is why I need you to serve as a distraction when the time is right.

Miss Donovan: Oh, why did I ever come down here? I should have stayed in the library.

Sorcerer: The library? Well, then you are indeed a prize.

Miss Donovan: Why? What do you mean?

Sorcerer: The witches’ interference made my spell go awry. Drake is unstable now, and I need to use this to my advantage. So tell me… what do you know about Robin Hood?

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is making a potion and on the phone.]

Piper: No, Phoebe, you can’t take him to John Normand’s office. That is a very bad idea. You have to bring him back here. I said you have to bring him back here! Phoebe. Phoebe! Damn it. (She hangs up. Leo walks in.) Do I really need this today? Or ever?

Leo: Relax. You can handle it.

Piper: This coming from the man who refuses to help.

Leo: I told you, I’m afraid that I’m gonna piss off the Elders, and they can recycle me, Piper. You don’t want that, do you?

Piper: No, of course not. But it’s just, we were this close to a life without Elders, without demons, without freaking Robin Hood running through the streets, threatening to expose us.

Leo: I know, but this is the life that we have now, and have to make the best out of it, okay? So relax, you can handle it, just like you’ve done before.

Piper: Thank you, and don’t remind me.

(Paige orbs in.)

Paige: Have you guys seen the news?

Piper: No. Weren’t you at Magic School?

Paige: Yeah! We have satellite.

(Paige turns on the TV in the kitchen.)

News Reporter: He apparently threw the stolen cash into the crowd, inciting a near riot. Police have launched a search for the man who bystanders described as a modern-day Robin Hood.

(Paige turns off the TV.)

Piper: Still think I can handle this one?

Leo: Just like the good old days.

Piper: Bite your tongue.

Paige: Okay, you know what? I should go warn Darryl. Because the cops have no idea what they’re up against.

Piper: No, no, no. Wait. I need you to write a vanquishing spell.

Paige: Why? You have the potion.

Piper: Not for the Sorcerer, for Drake.

Paige: For Drake? Really?

Piper: We need to be able to stop him. And this may be the only way. Leo, can you warn Darryl?

Leo: What about the Elders?

Piper: Oh, for God’s sake. I don’t think they’ll strike you down for making a phone call.

Leo: Right.

Paige: You know what? I found a spell at Magic School and it should be able to summon the Sorcerer. That way we don’t have to vanquish Drake.

Piper: You mean Miss Donovan found it?

Paige: No. I found it. Come to think of it, I haven’t actually seen Miss Donovan in a little while. Look, anyway, the point is, with my spell, we can summon the Sorcerer. With your potion we can vanquish him and that kind of fixes the whole Drake thing, yeah?

Piper: Maybe, but if that doesn’t work, we need a plan B. We’ve gotta stop Drake somehow.

Paige: Well, I guess it can’t hurt.

Piper: Exactly. The last thing we need is another news report like that one.

[Scene: Police Station. Darryl is on the phone.]

Darryl: He’s a what?

Leo: An ex-demon. But he still has powers, so be careful. You don’t want the cops to provoke him too much. He could take out half the force.

Darryl: If Sheridan finds out, that could be a trigger.

Leo: Sorry?

Darryl: For her memory. If she remembers she was after them, then she’ll be all over us again.

Leo: Oh, then, you can’t let her find out.

Darryl: Thanks for the tip, Leo.

(Darryl hangs up. He grabs his coat. Sheridan walks up to him.)

Sheridan: Good news, lieutenant. The captain wants us to work together. So where are we going, partner?

[Scene: Street. Phoebe and Drake are there. They cross the road in front of a cab. He slams on his breaks.]

Cab Driver: Hey, what’s the matter with you, moron!

Phoebe: So we’re just gonna talk to the guy, right? We’re not actually gonna kill him.

Drake: No, of course not. As long as he promises to give back every last penny.

Phoebe: What do you mean, every last penny? Look, I don’t think this is a good idea.

Drake: Marian, you’ve come so far. You must be strong enough to finish the fight, for those who cannot fight for themselves. Do not let all we’ve done be for naught.

(They hear a siren. Darryl and Sheridan pull up.)

Phoebe: Darryl.

Drake: The sheriff of Nottingham. It’s about time he arrived.

Sheridan: Freeze!

(She points her gun. Drake shoots an arrow at her and it hits her in the arm.)

Phoebe: Sheridan!

(Phoebe runs over to her.)

Drake: Marian! Marian!

Phoebe: Oh my god. Are you okay?

(Sheridan grabs Phoebe.)

Sheridan: Yeah, I’m fine. But you’re under arrest. (to Darryl) Where’s the other one?

Darryl: He got away.

[Cut to inside a building. Office. John Normand is there. Drake kicks open the door.]

Drake: Prince John! We meet at last.

John: What the hell is this?

(Drake points his bow and arrow at John.)

Drake: The end of your reign.

Commercial Break

[Scene: John Normand’s Office. Continued from before.]

John: You’ll never make it out of here, you know that. I mean, the cops will have you inside of two minutes.

Drake: You need not worry about me, sire.

John: What exactly do you want from me? Did my ex-wife send you?

Drake: I’m here to rob you.

John: Of course. Well, in that case, we’d better get right to it, and you can be on your merry way. Now, who should I make this out to?

Drake: You will return all that you have stolen to every last person in your domain.

John: But I have millions of customers.

Drake: Then I suggest you get started.

[Cut to outside. Police cars have pulled up. Darryl is talking on a walkie talkie.]

Darryl: Hold your position, and nobody make a move unless I say so. (He walks over to Phoebe and Sheridan. Sheridan is holding a cloth up to her arm.) You should really get that wound checked.

Sheridan: No, thanks. I’ve missed enough. Miss Halliwell here was just telling me a very interested story.

Phoebe: Wait, you don’t believe me?

Sheridan: I think it’s a little far-fetched, don’t you think? You get kidnapped by Robin Hood, forced to go on a crime spree, only to be saved in the end by us. That’s a nice touch.

Darryl: Let her go, Sheridan. She’s a friend.

Phoebe: Hey, you know what? Sheridan, I’m a good person. And I really think that I can help you out in this situation if you’d just let me.

Darryl: Do you really think you can?

Phoebe: Yeah, I do. He and I have a connection. He’s a little messed up right now, but I really think I could break through to him. But I gotta talk to him.

Sheridan: That’s completely out of the question. It’s dangerous, and it breaks procedure.

Phoebe: You know what? He’s dangerous. You have no idea what he’s capable of.

Man’s Voice: (on walkie talkie) Lieutenant, we’re in position. We’ve got a clear shot.

Darryl: Hold your fire. (to Sheridan) She’s going in.

Sheridan: What? Morris…

Darryl: That’s an order, inspector.

Phoebe: Thank you, Darryl.

(Sheridan uncuffs Phoebe and Phoebe runs off.)

Sheridan: You know, there’s something oddly familiar about all this.

Darryl: You should get that wound checked.

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige are sitting around a table. There are five lit candles on the table.]

Paige: “Sorcerer of darkness, demon of fright, I call you now into my sight.” (Nothing happens.) Maybe I can just try it again.

Piper: No, Paige, you’ve tried three times. It’s not working. He must be protecting himself somehow.

Paige: I could have copied it down wrong.

Piper: Paige, it’s not your first day as a witch. It’s just… We’re running out of options. You saw the news. I think it’s time we go to plan B.

Paige: I think getting rid of him would be a big mistake.

Piper: So would letting an innocent die. Look, if you’re not gonna trust yourself, at least trust me because it’s certainly not my first day.

(Miss Donovan astral projects in.)

Miss Donovan: Paige.

Paige: Miss Donovan! Why are you astral projecting?

Miss Donovan: Later. I don’t have time. The Sorcerer took me prisoner.

Piper: What?

Miss Donovan: I swear, I was just trying to check out Drake. It turns out he’s not so bad. It was the Sorcerer that I should have been worried about.

Paige: It’s okay, we know all about it. Don’t panic. Now that we know where you are, we can scry for you and get you out of there and just vanquish him.

Miss Donovan: Oh, thank you. Now I gotta go.

(She astral projects out.)

Piper: Looks like Drake just got a reprieve.

[Cut to the Underworld. Cave. The Sorcerer is watching the attic through a crystal ball.]

Sorcerer: Well played, my dear.

Miss Donovan: I wish I could have told them what you were planning.

Sorcerer: If you had, you’d be dead by now. At least now, you’ll live a touch longer than the Charmed Ones will. You see, thanks to your message, they’re not focused on saving you. Too bad my lair is protected against summoning and scrying.

Miss Donovan: It won’t take them long to figure it out.

Sorcerer: But by then I’ll have Drake’s powers.

Miss Donovan: How can you be so sure?

Sorcerer: Well, you see, once a demon, always a demon. I just need to remind Drake of that, by casting a spell on Prince John.

[Scene: John Normand’s Office. John is writing out checks.]

John: Come on, you cannot expect me to write all these checks.

(Phoebe comes in. Drake points his bow and arrow at her.)

Phoebe: Oh, Robin, don’t shoot! It’s me, your Marian.

Drake: Milady, how did you elude the sheriff?

Phoebe: Oh, me and the sheriff go way back. Now listen. Don’t you think it’s time we let the prince go? I’m sure he’s learned his lesson by now, haven’t you, John?

John: Oh, oh, yeah. I’m… I’m heartbroken here, man. I didn’t realise what I was doing to those poor people. Thank you, Robin. You have really shown me the error of my ways. I swear, I am going to change.

Phoebe: See? That’s great, that’s great. I know you don’t want to hurt him.

Drake: What about the money? He can’t be trusted.

Phoebe: Well, if you can’t trust him, then trust me. Look, today you reminded me what it’s like to do good, to make a difference and to help people. Now let me help you. Come with me, before you do something you’ll regret.

Drake: Sorry.

(John briefly glows red.)

John: Oh, I cannot believe that you actually fell for that.

Drake: What?

John: Oh, really. Do you think I give a rat’s ass about some poor schmo who’s too stupid to know he’s been suckered? There’s no way in hell I’m giving this money back.

Phoebe: Oh, no, the Sorcerer.

[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Paige and Leo are there. Piper is scrying.]

Leo: I don’t think Darryl can hold off the cops any longer. You’re running out of time.

Piper: What would you like me to do? The crystal’s not dropping.

Paige: This isn’t right. We’re being played.

Piper: Come on, Paige, you’re not gonna do any of us any good by waffling now.

Paige: I’m not waffling. Look. Fine, I admit, okay. I’ve been out of it since the whole thing with the Avatars and with Kyle. But I can’t keep beating myself up over the mistakes that we’ve made. I have to move on. I think we all do.

Piper: I’m not sure it’s that easy.

Paige: Maybe not but I have to try, right? Drake said that I have to start trusting my instincts again. Otherwise, I’m not gonna be able to help him or Miss Donovan or anybody.

Leo: So what are your instincts telling you?

Paige: That Miss Donovan’s just a distraction. Otherwise, we would have found her by now.

Piper: Okay, say you’re right. So you think the Sorcerer is after Drake?

Paige: He wants his powers, doesn’t he? Drake’s bound to use those at some point or another.

[Scene: John Normand’s Office. Drake has his bow and arrow pointed at John.]

Drake: You will give the money back.

John: Or what? You’re gonna shoot me with an arrow? Come on. I’m evil. You can do better than that.

Phoebe: Don’t listen to him. He’s under a spell.

John: You gotta punish me, destroy me, or I’ll keep doing evil. And I don’t give a damn who gets hurt. Single mums, old people, kids, even your little maid here!

(Drake throws down the bow and arrow.)

Drake: She’s not my maid!

(Drake throws fireballs at John and he is knocked through the window. John grabs onto the window sill and hangs onto it from the outside of the building.)

Darryl: (from the street) My god.

John: Help me, please.

(Phoebe grabs John’s arm and tries to pull him up.)

Phoebe: I gotcha. I gotcha.

(Drake turns back to his normal self. The Sorcerer appears in the chair.)

Sorcerer: Hello.

[Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Leo sees the news on the TV.]

Leo: Looks like your instincts were right.

News Reporter: (on TV) We believe that John Normand is being hurled out of that window by some…

Paige: Just wish I trusted them sooner.

[Cut to John Normand’s Office.]

Sorcerer: A deal is a deal. (The Sorcerer holds out his hands and Drake glows red. The Sorcerer absorbs Drake’s powers.) You, off to purgatory, my boy. (Drake is engulfed in flames. Piper and Paige orb in. Drake disappears.) Well, what are you waiting for? Come and get me.

(He shimmers out.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Leo is there with Wyatt and Chris.]

News Reporter: (on TV) This was the scene of chaos, just minutes ago when the man known as Robin Hood detonated what appears to have been a homemade bomb. Fortunately, billionaire John Normand escaped injury with the aide of local advice columnist Phoebe Halliwell.

(Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.)

Phoebe: Piper, we don’t have a choice. We have to go after the Sorcerer.

Piper: I realise that, but he knows we’re coming. He’ll set a trap for us.

Leo: What happened? The news said Drake was missing.

Paige: No, actually, we lost him.

Phoebe: But if we vanquish the Sorcerer, we should be able to reverse the magic and get Drake out of purgatory.

Paige: Well, if we can use the vanquishing spell I wrote to get rid of Drake, then it should work on getting rid of the Sorcerer.

Piper: How can you be sure it’ll work?

Paige: I trust my gut. Helped us find the Sorcerer, right?

Phoebe: And it was right about Drake. He is an innocent. We have to save him, otherwise everything he’s done will have been for naught.

Piper: For naught?

Phoebe: The point is is we have to save Drake.

Piper: I don’t know, I think Drake’s caused enough trouble for one day.

Leo: I’ll say. We’ll be lucky if he doesn’t trigger Sheridan’s memory.

Piper: Not to mention Prince John and all the magic he saw.

Phoebe: Okay, John won’t remember a thing. We can worry about Sheridan tomorrow.

Piper: You worry tomorrow. I’ll worry today.

(Paige scrys for Miss Donovan. The crystal lands on a spot on the map.)

Paige: Found Miss Donovan. Probably the Sorcerer too.

Piper: See? Wasn’t that a little too easy? I’m telling you, it’s a trap.

Phoebe: Maybe we should start thinking more like Robin Hood.

Piper: Excuse me?

[Scene: Underworld. The Sorcerer’s Lair. The Sorcerer and Miss Donovan are there.]

Sorcerer: It won’t be long now. I’ve lowered the cave’s protections, which means the Charmed Ones are on their way.

Miss Donovan: To vanquish you, I’m sure.

Sorcerer: Oh, I’m sure they’ll try. But we’re on my turf now. And they’ll be no match for my new powers.

(Another Miss Donovan appears in the room.)

Miss Donovan #2: I’m not so sure about that.

Sorcerer: Well, well, well. I’ll give you this much. You’re getting better at that. You don’t even need to be asleep anymore.

Miss Donovan: I’m a fast learner.

Miss Donovan #2: Me too.

Sorcerer: Well, that’s wonderful, but I don’t think I have time for this right now.

(A third Miss Donovan astral projects in the room.)

Miss Donovan #3: You should make time.

Sorcerer: What the hell?

Miss Donovan #3: Because you never know…

(Another Miss Donovan appears in the room.)

Miss Donovan #4: It’s true. You never know when your time is up.

Sorcerer: The Charmed Ones.

Miss Donovan #4: “Evil blast we cannot use.”

(The three extra Miss Donovan’s change into Piper, Phoebe and Paige.)

Piper, Phoebe, Paige: “The power of three now lights the fuse.”

(The Sorcerer is engulfed in flames. He screams and disappears.)

Piper: Nicely done.

Paige: What about Drake?

(Drake appears.)

Drake: Ow, that’s hot! That’s not gonna…

Phoebe: Drake.

Drake: You saved me?

Phoebe: Of course. What would you expect from Maid Marian?

Paige: And your Merry Men.

Piper: Women.

Miss Donovan: Excuse me? Do you mind?

(Paige goes over to Miss Donovan.)

Phoebe: That was interesting, huh?

Piper: I guess. I just can’t believe we’re back in the Underworld, back vanquishing demons again.

(Paige is having trouble getting the chains off Miss Donovan.)

Drake: I don’t know. After all, it is pretty romantic, isn’t it?

Piper: You’ve gotta be kidding.

Drake: No, not at all. (Drake clicks his fingers and Miss Donovan is freed from the chains.) Most of the world’s greatest lovers were brought together during a time of epic conflict. Most of them were doomed, but they did find the romance in it. So why can’t you?

[Scene: Police Station. Darryl and Sheridan are there. Sheridan is looking at the front page of the paper. It reads “Ask Phoebe A Hero”.]

Sheridan: Hey. Thought you might want to see this.

Darryl: A hero. Now, aren’t you glad you didn’t arrest her?

Sheridan: Oh, I don’t know. She didn’t help us get the guy.

Darryl: She didn’t promise to. She promised to help.

Sheridan: Yeah, but still, don’t you think it’s just a little weird? I mean, she goes inside, the perp gets away, but yet there’s no trail to follow, no leads. I mean, it’s almost as though he just disappeared.

Darryl: We’ll get him. Good night, Sheridan.

[Scene: Magic School. Paige walks into the library. Drake is there wearing suit.]

Paige: Oh, you look great in all your teacher-ness.

Drake: Oh, that little old thing?

Paige: Okay, well, I’ve brought you your class schedule and your student roster. And I have assigned you a TA. Miss Donovan.

Drake: She’s not sore for being passed over?

Paige: She got freaked out by what happened. She did want to run back to the library, but I’ve talked her into helping you out in the class.

Drake: I guess it’s all for the best. Someone’s gotta take over.

Paige: What, are you planning on being absent a lot?

Drake: In case it doesn’t work out. We agreed it would be temporary at first. You may change your mind in a couple of weeks. I may need to move on.

Paige: I will not change my mind, trust me. Anybody who can get though the thick skulls of my lovely sisters and I can definitely get though to those kids.

Drake: Even though I’m a little crazy?

Paige: Because you are a lot crazy. No, look, Magic School’s protected. It’s okay. Give it your best shot.

(Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: Hey.

Drake: Hey.

Phoebe: I just came by to see the new professor.

Paige: All right, well, I promised Piper and Leo that I’d babysit for them tonight. They’re going out celebrating Valentine’s Day.

Drake: Finding a little romance?

Paige: Thanks to you, yeah.

Drake: Oh, I’m not done yet.

Phoebe: Really?

Paige: Okay, well, great, awkward moment for me. So I’ll be going. There’s a night class in five minutes. Don’t forget.

(Paige leaves.)

Phoebe: So I thought you’d like to see tomorrow’s newspaper. (She hands him the paper.) Looks like Prince John is gonna give back everything he stole. Guess he just needed to be reminded of his mortality.

Drake: Works every time. Phoebe, there’s something I have to tell you. The deal I made that made me human, that only lasts a year. At the end of it, I gotta die.

(Phoebe giggles.)

Phoebe: What…? Are you kidding?

Drake: No. Uh-uh. But listen, it was well worth the sacrifice. Now all I want to do is pass on what I’ve learned about literature, about life and about love.

Phoebe: How long do you have?

Drake: Two weeks.

Phoebe: I mean, can’t we try to fix it?

Drake: You can’t. And you know what? It’s all good. See you.

(Drake walks away.)


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