Charmed Noir

Written by: Curtis Kheel
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick

Season 7, Episode 08
Episode Number: 142

[Scene: Magic School. Paige, Miss Donovan and a gnome are there. Miss Donovan and the gnome are going through some books.]

Miss Donovan: Lord of the Rings?

Gnome: Historically inaccurate.

Miss Donovan: Harry Potter?

Gnome: Filled with juvenile delinquents.

Miss Donovan: Even the Wizard of Oz?

Gnome: Disparaging to little people. Munchkins being persecuted. Filth!

Paige: Oh, come on, seriously.

Miss Donovan: It is the same story with all the books. None of them deserve to be banned.

Gnome: I suppose you want another naked Godiva riding out of the book again.

Paige: Is that what this is all about? Godiva?

Miss Donovan: It’s just an excuse and he knows it. He’s using it to push his own agenda which is to stifle freedom of speech.

(The gnome shakes his hand and Miss Donovan’s mouth seals up.)

Gnome: Now that’s what I call stifling.

Paige: That is uncalled for. You give her her mouth back now.

(He waves his hand and unseals her mouth.)

Miss Donovan: Why, you little worm. I should…

Gnome: Little. Did you hear that? She’s a size-ist.

Miss Donovan: What? I didn’t…

Paige: Okay, Miss Donovan, would you please just give us a moment, okay?

(Miss Donovan sighs and leaves the room.)

Gnome: It’s always the ones you least expect.

Paige: Professor, please, you have to understand she is a librarian. Books are her life. In fact, I don’t think she’s wrong. None of these books are dangerous. (Paige picks up a book.) Crossed, Double-Crossed? This doesn’t even look magical.

Gnome: Just look at the cover. It’s filled with violence, I’m sure.

Paige: You haven’t even read that?

Gnome: Didn’t waste my time. It’s garbage.

Paige: Are you kidding me? The 30s were a fabulous era, okay? Drama, passion, intrigue.

(Leo walks in.)

Leo: Uh, excuse me, Paige, sorry. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Paige: Just a minute. Professor, the next time you attempt to ban books, how about you attempt reading some.

(Paige leaves the room with Leo. The gnome picks up the Crossed Double-Crossed book and opens it up. The book glows and sucks the gnome inside. The book drops to the floor.)

[Cut to Paige’s Office. Paige and Leo walk in.]

Paige: Thank you for saving me from that little gnome. I was about to strangle him.

Leo: You’re welcome. How’d you like to return the favour by, say, babysitting tonight?

Paige: Um, no. That’s all I do here, Leo. I baby-sit. I baby-sit students, I baby-sit teachers, I baby-sit.

Leo: Come on, Paige, please? It’s the only way Piper will go out with me if I can get somebody to watch the kids.

Paige: You asked Piper out and she said yes?

Leo: Well, I haven’t actually asked her out yet. She’s been a little unapproachable lately.

Paige: Maybe it’s because you’ve kind of done this miraculous turn around. Maybe you should just ease into things a little.

Leo: Well, that’s why the date. Phoebe’s been helping me plan it out. She’s given me some tips. Come on, please.

Paige: I don’t want to. I just don’t.

Leo: Thanks, you’re the best.

(Leo orbs out.)

Paige: Leo!

(Paige hears a scream.)

[Cut to the hall. Miss Donovan is there. Paige walks in.]

Paige: What is it? What’s wrong? (Paige sees the gnome dead on the floor with bullet holes in his chest.) What happened?

Miss Donovan: I don’t know.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Magic School. Miss Donovan is sitting on a couch crying. Paige hands her a box of tissues.]

Paige: Miss Donovan, are you sure you didn’t hear anything, see anything?

Miss Donovan: No, and I came in and he was lying there, dead.

Paige: Okay, what is so strange about this, is that Magic School is meant to be protected. Nobody can get killed here, let alone with bullets.

Miss Donovan: Well, well, it did happen before. Once.

Paige: What? What happened?

Miss Donovan: Well, about 20 years ago, there was two students, brothers. One of them killed the other. Maybe it’s him?

(Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: Okay, let’s make this fast. I got a city of lonely people and I’m playing cupid. Oh, Miss Donovan, why are you crying?

Paige: It’s one of our teachers. He…

Phoebe: Oh, did he break your heart? Well, you called the right person. I can handle this.

Paige: No…

Phoebe: Shh. Cupid works alone. Now, did he hurt you? I know, I know, it hurts but you can’t give up on love. It could be the biggest mistake you ever make. Now, I could fix you up with one of my readers because I’m doing this series in my newspaper where I’m playing matchmaker. And I actually have one in mind for you.

Paige: Wait. He didn’t break her heart he was murdered.

Phoebe: Oh. Why didn’t you tell me that?

Paige: I tried to, but cupid shushed me. Miss Donovan, until we figure out what is going on here and who did this, nobody can leave the school.

Miss Donovan: I didn’t kill him.

Paige: Then I’m sure you don’t mind staying until we figure out who did. Crystals, circle. (Three crystals orb off the side table and orb onto the floor around Miss Donovan to create a shield.) Let’s go talk in the other room.

Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Paige walk out of the room.) So what do you think, Nancy Drew? Lover’s quarrel?

Paige: Hardly. She hated him. Everybody did. That means the entire school is a suspect.

(They walk into the great hall.)

Phoebe: Wait, a gnome was shot? That seems awfully human, doesn’t it?

Paige: Yeah. I’d say we are definitely out of our league. We don’t do bullets. We need to call the police.

Phoebe: Did you try Darryl?

Paige: I tried, he hung up on me again. Look, the way he feels about magic he’s not coming here anytime soon.

Phoebe: So I guess we’re on our own.

Paige: We could try Kyle.

Phoebe: What, Brody? You wanna tell Brody about the Magic School now?

Paige: There isn’t gonna be a Magic School if the Elders find out there was a murder on my watch. So we need to solve this fast.

Phoebe: Yeah, but Brody?

Paige: Kyle.

Phoebe: Okay, look, I’m sorry, I really am, and I tried, I did. But I don’t trust him, therefore I’m gonna continue calling him Brody and you can call him Kyle because you have a crush on him.

Paige: I do not have a crush on him. My interest is strictly professional.

Phoebe: Right.

Paige: Listen, I am the head mistress of this school, okay, so I decide and I trust him, I need him to do the CSI part of this. Can you please get Piper, check the book and you do the magical part.

Phoebe: What about the whole date I planned for Piper? Did Leo tell you about the roses? The roses are great.

Paige: Home!

(Paige orbs Phoebe out.)

[Scene: P3. Piper is there wiping some glasses. It suddenly turns into a rose. Then dozens of vases of roses suddenly appear around the bar.]

Piper: All right, what’s going on?

Leo’s Voice: Do you like them?

(Piper turns around to see Leo walking down the stairs.)

Piper: Leo, what if somebody saw this?

Leo: I sensed. There’s nobody here. (He walks over to her.) Nobody except the most beautiful woman in the world.

Piper: Have you been on top of the bridge again lately? Because I’m telling you, there’s not enough oxygen up there.

Leo: It’s not that. I’m just starting to see things more clearly now. And the thing I see most clear is you. I want us to start over again.

Piper: Uh, like right now? As in today?

Leo: Why wait? I’m not asking for much, just have dinner with me tonight.

Piper: Um, I can’t. Who’s gonna watch the kids?

Leo: Paige. And don’t worry about the club, Rex said he can handle it.

Piper: You talked to my manager before you talked to me?

Leo: Well, I wanted your mind to be at ease.

Piper: Yeah, that’s not really working.

Leo: Don’t you want to be with me again?

Piper: No, of course I do, it’s just…

Leo: It’s just what?

Piper: It’s just different, you know. I’ve spent months trying to keep you from falling into this psychotic abyss and now that you’re fine, I can’t just flick a switch and be all lovey-dovey. I doesn’t work that way. (The phone rings and Piper answers it.) Hello? Yeah, okay, I’m on my way. What? They’re beautiful, Phoebe, now stay out of it.

(She hangs up.)

Leo: She’s just trying to help.

Piper: Yeah, I know. Look, Leo, I appreciate the gesture, I do, and I’m not saying no, I’m just saying I need some time.

Leo: I understand.

(Piper leaves. Alpha and Beta, a female Avatar, appear.)

Alpha: The roses are lovely.

Beta: But you could do so much more with our collective powers.

Leo: What’s the point if I don’t get Piper back?

Alpha: I thought we had shown you the point, Leo. A world beyond good and evil. A world without conflict.

Leo: Without Piper.

Beta: In time she may return but for now you must embrace your new life as an Avatar and help the sisters into the fold.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Brody’s Apartment. Brody lets Paige into the apartment.]

Brody: Come in.

(She looks at the messy room.)

Paige: Wow. Obsess much about the Avatars?

Brody: Yeah. It’s pretty much all I’ve been able to think about since we found out what they were called. I’ve been looking for a break like this for a while.

Paige: Did you find anything new about them?

Brody: No, not really. Just, you know, pieces. Not enough to figure out how to find them or what they want.

Paige: Um, when was the last time you got out of here?

Brody: A couple of days.

Paige: Well, how about coming out with me and getting some nice fresh air.

Brody: No, thanks. I really think I should, um…

Paige: I think that you should come with me and focus on something equally mysterious.

Brody: Yeah, like what?

Paige: Like a murder mystery. We could really use your help.

Brody: Paige, come on, you know I didn’t come here for that.

Paige: I know. But if you help us, I can let you take a little peek at Magic School.

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe is there flipping through the Book of Shadows. Piper walks in.]

Piper: All right, talk to me.

Phoebe: Okay, well, just so you know, the flowers were totally Leo’s idea. It was just my idea to get a lot of them and to have you walk in…

Piper: I was talking about the gnome, not the husband.

Phoebe: Oh, right, of course. Um, well, according to the book, they don’t have any natural enemies but as a species they tend to piss people off.

Piper: But you said he was shot. Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the G silent?

Phoebe: That’s a really good question. I think the fact that he was shot in Magic School is what worries Paige the most.

Piper: I don’t blame her. The boys aren’t still there, are they?

Phoebe: No, she brought them back, they’re taking they’re naps.

Piper: I’m just getting really tired of this.

Phoebe: Don’t worry, we’ll figure out who killed him.

Piper: No, not the gnome, the husband.

Phoebe: Oh, I can’t keep up. He’s just trying to reconnect with you, you know that, right?

Piper: No, I know, I do, and I would like to do that as well, just, I don’t know, I can’t help but think…

Phoebe: Your guard’s up.

Piper: Yeah, and…

Phoebe: You wanna lower it, you just can’t.

Piper: But still, I…

Phoebe: Feel vulnerable and don’t want to get hurt again.

Piper: Uh, could I possibly have a chance to express my feelings?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead.

Piper: I don’t know what to do. I mean, he’s been great, he’s been really great and he’s totally changed but I can’t help but feel that something’s just not right. It’s too good to be true. But then I can’t just shut up and be happy, right?

[Scene: Magic School. Miss Donovan is there reading a book. Paige orbs in with Brody.]

Miss Donovan: Well, it’s about time.

Paige: Sorry, sorry we took so long.

Miss Donovan: Who’s this?

Brody: Uh, Agent Brody. Homeland Security.

(He holds out his hand to shake hers and touches the crystal cage. It zaps him and he flies backwards.)

Paige: Ooh. Sorry, forgot to warn you about that. (He groans.) You okay?

Brody: No, I’m not. (He stands up.) So what is she? A demon, warlock or what?

Miss Donovan: No. I’m a librarian.

Paige: And a suspect unless you say otherwise. (Paige picks up a crystal.) All clear.

(Brody picks up a book and holds it out towards Miss Donovan.)

Brody: Yeah. Just checking. All right. (He opens a suitcase and puts on some rubber gloves.) If you could hold out your hands for me, please.

Miss Donovan: Why? What are you gonna do?

Brody: Well, if you fired a gun recently, this’ll show the residue.

(She holds out her hands.)

Miss Donovan: I’m telling you it had to be the Mullen boy.

Paige: Who?

Miss Donovan: Eddie Mullen. I remember his name now. The kid who shot his brother 20 years ago here.

Paige: Okay, but how and why would this person come back?

Miss Donovan: I don’t know.

Brody: Well, she’s… she’s clean. She couldn’t have done it.

Miss Donovan: Thank you.

Paige: Sorry about that. Can you do me a huge favour and find out everything you can about the Mullen brothers. And keep it quiet because I really don’t want the Elders to find out.

Miss Donovan: Very well.

Paige: Thanks.

(Miss Donovan leaves the room.)

Brody: Where’s the body? (They walk into the great hall.) Whoa. All these books on magic?

Paige: Yes, they are.

Brody: Any of them on the Avatars?

Paige: I don’t know, but I’ll let you look at all of them if you help me out with this.

(They stand in front of the gnome.)

Brody: Oh. What is he?

Paige: He is a gnome. And one of my teachers.

Brody: Gnome. Great. Now I suppose you’re gonna tell me leprechauns and fairies exist now too?

Paige: Well, actually, yeah.

Brody: Never mind. I can only take so much at a time. (He kneels down beside the gnome.) Well, the body was moved, he wasn’t shot here.

Paige: How do you know?

Brody: There’s no blood spatter on the floor. (He picks the book off the floor.) “Crossed, Double-Crossed”. (He stands next to Paige.) By the Mullen… the Mullen brothers.

Paige: Mullen brothers? (Brody flips through the book and turns to a chapter.) It’s not finished.

Brody: “The streets were quiet after Shorty died. Too quiet.”

Paige: Shorty. Close the book.

Brody: What? Why?

(The book glows and sucks them into it. The book falls to the floor and closes.)

[Cut to inside the book. It’s the 1930’s. Everything is in black and white. Paige and Brody appear in the middle of the street.]

Brody: What happened? Where are we?

(A car horn honks and heads straight for them. Brody grabs Paige and pulls her to the sidewalk.)

Paige: Oh, god, I think we got sucked into the book just like the gnome.

Brody: Sucked into the book?

Paige: Oh, yeah, don’t worry, magical things happen to us all the time but this is the first time in black and white.

Brody: We’re not black and… How are we in black and white? Paige, what the hell is going on here?

(Two men in suits walk up to them.)

Man #1: Well, well, what do we have here? A couple o’ newcomers.

Brody: Oh, man, you gotta be kidding me.

Man #1: Pals of Shorty’s?

Paige: The gnome. Let me handle this. Yeah, maybe we are. What’s it to you?

Man #1: Don’t get wise with me, Legs. You’re here for the same reason Shorty was. Looking for the Falcon, ain’t ya? But it belongs to Johnny.

Brody: Hey, look, guys, I think you’ve got us confused with somebody else.

Man #1: I don’t think so.

(He pulls out his gun. Brody pulls out his gun and shoots at the two men.)

Brody: Orb us out of here, Paige.

Paige: I can’t, my powers don’t work.

Brody: Just run. Come on, run.

(Paige and Brody run down the street. The two men shoot at them.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Inside the Book. Bogey’s Apparel. Paige and Brody are changing into 1930’s clothing. Paige is behind a changing screen.]

Brody: You turned me into a felon, you know that, right? Breaking and entering, vandalism, theft.

Paige: It’s a fiction story in a fiction world. I highly doubt we’re breaking any laws.

Brody: It may be a fiction world but those bullets seemed pretty damn real to me.

Paige: Yeah, well, that’s precisely why we need to blend in before those goons come to get us again. (She reaches out and grabs a dress. She looks at Brody.) Are you peaking?

Brody: No. Are you? (She pulls a face.) Have we any chance of getting out of here like the gnome did, only alive?

Paige: I don’t know, I think the book expelled him after he was killed. The same thing must’ve happened to the Mullen boy.

Brody: Wait a minute, I thought he was killed by his brother.

Paige: Well, I think everybody thought that because they disappeared at the same exact time. Maybe he’s still here.

Brody: Well, we gotta find him then. If he wrote the thing, he’s gotta know how to get out of here, right?

Paige: Although, if he does know, why wouldn’t he have left? I mean, it’s been 20 years.

Brody: I don’t know. I don’t know. I mean, if we find him, maybe he can, uh, you know… (Paige walks out from behind the changing screen wearing a dress.) We can, uh… wow. You look great.

Paige: Thank you. Do I look like Lana Turner.

Brody: Right out of “The Postman Always Rings Twice”. The good version. You know, um, you may not blend in very well in that outfit there, Lana.

Paige: Well, I’m thinking as long as we’re down here we might as well have some fun.

(He looks through a phonebook.)

Brody: Yeah, well, you have fun, I’m just gonna survive. Here it is, Mullen. (They hear sirens outside.) You think they’re coming after us?

Paige: I don’t think we should stick around and find out.

Brody: Come on, out the window. Let’s go. (They go to the window.) I got it.

(He opens the window and they climb out. Man #1 kicks open the door.)

Man #1: Go around back, try and pinch ’em. You think they’re after the falcon?

Man #2: Isn’t everybody? But if they think they’re gonna get it before we do, they got another thing coming.

[Scene: Magic School. Great Hall. Piper, Phoebe and Miss Donovan are there.]

Miss Donovan: I’m telling you, I don’t know where Paige is. I haven’t seen her since she sent me to get these files.

Phoebe: But you were her prime suspect. How did you get out of the cage?

Miss Donovan: Well, she let me out after her cop friend exonerated me.

Piper: Darryl?

Phoebe: Brody.

Piper: She brought him here?

Miss Donovan: He wanted to see the body. That’s why they came this way. That’s odd.

Phoebe: What’s odd?

Miss Donovan: That book, it’s been moved.

(Phoebe picks up the book and gets a premonition.)

Piper: What? What did you see?

Phoebe: I saw Paige on the best seller list. She’s in this book. They both are.

Piper: Well, what do you mean? Open it up, get them out.

Phoebe: No, I can’t. What if it sucks us in there too? Oh, god, we need Leo.

Piper: Leo?

Phoebe: Look, Piper, I know you need time but I don’t think we have it. At least Leo will be able to sense them to make sure they’re okay.

Piper: All right, all right.

Phoebe: Okay. Uh, but we should do this at home in case we need the Book of Shadows to get them out. (to Miss Donovan) Can you watch Wyatt and Chris?

Miss Donovan: Oh, sure, of course. Oh, but take these. (She hands them a file.) They’re the Mullen brothers’ school records. It might help.

Piper: The Mullen brothers? Who are they?

[Scene: Inside the Book. Paige and Brody are standing in front of a door that reads “Mullen Bros. Detective Agency”.]

Paige: They’re dicks.

(Brody chuckles.)

Brody: Dicks.

Paige: No, like private eyes, detectives. Don’t you see? They wrote themselves in as the heroes of their own book. Like Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe.

(They walk into the office. Johnny and Eddie are there.)

Paige: Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.

Johnny: The newcomers? Eddie, I thought you said you didn’t know ’em.

Eddie: Um, I don’t. I’ve never seen them before in my life.

Brody: Wait a minute. You’re Eddie?

Eddie: You got a problem with that?

Paige: No, we were just expecting somebody older.

Johnny: You like older, toots? You oughta take a gander my way.

Brody: Hey, why don’t you gander somewhere else, buddy. Who are you?

Johnny: My name’s Johnny. Johnny the Gent. I think you made the acquaintance of a few of my boys.

Brody: Johnny, right. Yeah, I think they dropped your name in between Tommy gun blasts.

Johnny: Simple misunderstanding. Everyone’s on edge on account of the falcon.

Paige: The falcon as in the Maltese falcon?

Eddie: Nah, everyone knows the Maltese was a fake. This one’s the real deal. The Burmese falcon.

Brody: Burmese, you can’t be serious. It’s a total rip off.

Johnny: Rip off or no, I figure that’s why you’re here. You don’t happen to know where it is, would ya?

Paige: Maybe we do but that’s between us and Eddie. We have business to discuss. Alone.

Eddie: Thanks, I got enough business.

Paige: No, please, you’re the only one who can help us. See, we came from your school. We just can’t seem to find our way back.

Johnny: Be polite, Eddie. Here ’em out. Besides, it might be lucrative. (Johnny heads for the door.) I’ll be in touch.

(Johnny leaves.)

Eddie: Of all the books, in all the libraries, in all the world, you gotta get sucked into this one?

(They walk into another room.)

Brody: You don’t seem too happy to see us.

Eddie: Well, should I be?

(Eddie picks up a cigarette.)

Paige: What are you doing? Don’t you know those things’ll kill you?

Eddie: If the smokes don’t get me, the bullets will.

Paige: Just like they got your brother?

Brody: Look, what happened, Eddie? Who killed him?

Eddie: It was a couple of corrupt cops. They were trying to stop him from getting the falcon before they did.

Paige: Falcon? What is it with this falcon? Why does everyone want it so badly?

Eddie: Because we wrote them that way, that’s why. It’s their whole motivation.

Paige: Very impressive. Quite a magical world you boys have concocted here. Must have been very advanced students.

Eddie: Dan was the creative one. It was his idea, I was just along for the ride. It was supposed to be fun.

Brody: So why haven’t you left yet?

Eddie: I can’t. The only way out is to end the story. Can’t do that until the falcon’s found.

Paige: You don’t know where it is?

Eddie: No. Dan and I laid down the fundamentals at the beginning. The story’s got a life of its own now.

Brody: So what have you been doing for the last 20 years? Sitting on your ass?

Eddie: 20 years? No, Dan just died yesterday.

Paige: No, not on the outside he didn’t. You guys have created some sort of different time in here, one where no one ages, apparently.

Eddie: No, they just get killed. Thanks to me.

Brody: This is ridiculous, all right? Look kid…

(The phone rings. Eddie answers it.)

Eddie: This is Eddie, hold the line, please. (to Paige and Brody) If you don’t mind.

Paige: Yeah, no problem.

(Paige and Brody leave the room.)

Eddie: Hi, go ahead, Johnny. No, they don’t know anything about the falcon but I think they’re gonna be trouble anyways.

[Cut to outside the room.]

Brody: I’m telling you. He knows more than he’s letting on. He’s hiding something.

Paige: Yeah, he’s hiding pain. Real pain. I don’t think that’s supposed to be part of the story.

Brody: So what if he feels guilty? Doesn’t mean he didn’t kill his brother. We could be next.

Paige: Look, I know an innocent, okay? I think the only way to get out of this is to figure out who to help him first.

(Eddie comes out of the room.)

Eddie: Good news. That was an anonymous source, gave me a lead on the falcon.

Brody: Oh, well, that’s great, that’s great. So what, you just happened to get this tip just now?

Eddie: Well, you guys coming here must have triggered the story to move forward. If we find the falcon, we can get out. Isn’t that what you want?

Paige: Yeah, of course, isn’t that what you want?

Eddie: Yeah, sure. Um, I’ll go get my car.

(Eddie leaves.)

Brody: I hope you know what you’re doing. (Paige sense something.) What, what is it?

Paige: Strange, I almost feel as if someone’s calling to me.

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there. Leo is holding the book and sensing Paige.]

Leo: Paige is still alive in there. I don’t know about Kyle.

Phoebe: Wait, you’re calling him Kyle now, too?

Leo: Well, that’s his name, isn’t it?

Phoebe: I knew she should not have gotten him involved in this. This is a bad idea. I’m sure it’s his fault.

Piper: Forget about whose fault it is. We need to get them out of there without getting trapped ourselves.

Leo: Maybe I can help.

Piper: What are you doing?

Leo: It’s all right, I’ll be okay.

(He opens the book and it starts to suck him in.)

Piper: Leo.

(The avatars appear behind Piper and Phoebe. They hold out their arms and their hands glow. The book stops sucking Leo in and the Avatars disappear.)

Phoebe: You must have shorted it out. How did you do that?

Leo: I guess I’m just a little more focused now.

(Piper and Phoebe look at the open book. Sentences are appearing on the page.)

Piper: What is it doing?

Phoebe: It looks like it’s writing itself as if it were unfolding right now.

(They look at the illustration.)

Piper: Is that Paige and Brody?

Leo: Who’s driving?

Phoebe: Eddie Mullen I think. Listen. “Riding in Eddie’s car, Lana and the Fed…”

Piper: Lana and the Fed?

Phoebe: Hey, at least he’s not calling him Kyle, you know what I mean?

Piper: “Lana and the Fed had no idea they were being driven straight into a trap.”

Leo: He’s setting them up?

Phoebe: What do you expect? It’s called Crossed, Double-Crossed.

(Phoebe takes the book and picks up a pen.)

Piper: What are you doing?

Phoebe: I am trying my hand at being a novelist. See if I can write in a little twist to help Paige out. “Then suddenly they got a flat tyre.”

[Cut to inside the book. Paige, Brody and Eddie are in the car. The car gets a flat tyre.]

Brody: What the hell was that?

Eddie: It’s a flat tyre but I don’t understand, that’s impossible.

Paige: What, you can’t get a flat tyre in your book?

Eddie: No. It’s too clich�.

Paige: Okay, who put it in there?

(Eddie starts to get out.)

Brody: Whoa, whoa. Where you going?

Eddie: What? It’s just up around the corner, we can get there on foot.

Brody: Oh, come on, you’re lying. He’s lying. Eddie, I want some answers and I want them now.

(Police cars pulls up beside them.)

Eddie: I think you got your answer.

(Johnny gets out of the car.)

Johnny: We were wondering what was taking so long, Eddie. We’ve been waiting.

Paige: Eddie, what’s going on?

Eddie: I’m sorry to do this to you. Really, I am. But, see, this story can never end.

(The police point their guns at Paige and Brody.)

[Cut to the manor. Phoebe is reading from the book.]

Phoebe: “The couple knew they’d been double-crossed and there was no way out.”

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe is scribbling on a blank page of the book but no ink is showing on the page.]

Phoebe: Nope, this one’s not working either.

Piper: Try this one.

(Piper hands her another pen.)

Leo: The pens are fine. The book’s just not letting you write them out.

Phoebe: Yeah, but why not?

Piper: Well, maybe it’s against the rules. I don’t know, the book is writing itself, maybe they have to save themselves.

Phoebe: Then why was I able to write in the flat tyre?

Piper: It’s just another plot twist which we could add but we can’t bail them out. Heroes have to be heroes. I read a lot.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know you do. Maybe you should get out a little more.

Piper: Easy, cupid.

Leo: Maybe you ought to focus on the book. Maybe there’s something in the prose that can help them.

Phoebe: In the prose. Yes, let me check the prose, Leo. Actually, there’s something in chapter ten. He says the only way out is to find the falcon. So all we have to do is find the falcon?

Piper: Yeah, before the book spits out two more corpses. Okay, let’s go talk to the parents and see if they know anything about the book. You be creative and just keep Paige and Brody alive.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, right. No pressure.

[Scene: Inside the book. Room. Brody and Johnny are there. Brody is sitting on a chair in the middle of the room. Johnny hits Brody behind his neck with a baton.]

Brody: Ah!

Johnny: Tell me all you know about the falcon.

Brody: I told you, I don’t know anything.

Johnny: No? Gee, why don’t I believe you?

(He hits him again.)

Brody: Ah!

(Paige is sitting in the next room. She stands up.)

Paige: Kyle.

(A cop pushes her back into the chair.)

Cop: You’re not going anywhere, sweetheart. Not unless you want him to end up with a bullet in his ear, you’ll tell us where the falcon is. Understand?

(He grabs her shoulder.)

Paige: Get your paws off of me.

Cop: So tell me, what’s a cute little package like you doing mixed up with that no-good Fed in there?

[Cut to the manor. Attic. Phoebe is watching the story unfold.]

Phoebe: Femme fatale. Flirt with him, Paige. Flirt with him.

(She starts writing in the book.)

[Cut to inside the book.]

Cop: Come on, sister, don’t you know how to play the game?

Paige: Sister.

Cop: You’re a little heartbreaker, aren’t you? A regular femme fatale.

(Paige stands up.)

Paige: Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just crazy. Crazy for cops. Tough cops. Kind of cops that’ll arrest your heart. Make you long for a life sentence with them. (She pulls him towards her by his tie.) No any cops like that?

[Cut to the other room. Johnny hits Brody with the baton. Brody falls to the floor.]

Johnny: We can keep this up all night if you like. But if you can tell me where the falcon is and I’ll end it but quick.

(He pulls out his gun.)

Brody: Is that supposed to be a choice?

Johnny: Yeah. Either you die fast or you beg for death. But either way I’m getting a falcon out of you first.

(Paige barges in with a gun.)

Paige: Kyle. (Brody trips Johnny and grabs his gun.) You all right?

Brody: I’ll live. How’d you get in here?

Paige: Well, I seduced a cop, grabbed his gun and knocked him out all thanks to Phoebe.

Brody: Phoebe?

Paige: I’m getting a little magical help from my sisters. That’s the whole flat tyre thing, they were warning us about the trap. Doesn’t matter, you’re right, Eddie’s not innocent.

Brody: Actually, I think that you were right. I think Eddie is. Come on, I’ll explain on the way, we’ve gotta find him.

(They leave.)

[Scene: Magic School. Piper and Leo are there talking to Mrs. Mullen.]

Piper: Mrs. Mullen, if this is too difficult…

Mrs. Mullen: No, no, no, I’m all right. I wanted to meet here, I miss coming here. So you said something about another shooting?

Leo: Yes.

Mrs. Mullen: Well, you don’t think Eddie?

Piper: No, of course not.

Mrs. Mullen: Well, good, because he didn’t kill his brother either. No matter what anybody says. He’d never do that, he loved Danny.

Piper: You haven’t heard from Eddie in…

Mrs. Mullen: In over 20 years, no. But believe it or not, his father and I still have hopes that, um, someday, somehow he’ll come back to us. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps us from falling apart. Crazy, huh? Do you have any children?

Leo: Yeah, we have two boys too.

Mrs. Mullen: Oh. Well, you treasure every moment together.

Piper: Um, we were just wondering, did the boys ever mention writing a book together?

Mrs. Mullen: What does that have to do with anything?

Piper: Uh, we’re not sure yet. Do you know anything about the book?

Mrs. Mullen: Well, not much. He never let us see anything. Yeah, but I know it was Dan’s idea. Yeah, I know he wanted to help Eddie with it.

Leo: Help him out?

Mrs. Mullen: To believe in himself, to feel confident.

Piper: To be a hero?

Mrs. Mullen: Yes, probably.

Piper: (to Leo) Then he has to finish the story. Which means we need to help Paige help him.

[Scene: Inside the book. Paige and Brody are walking down an alley.]

Paige: This is ridiculous. I don’t know why we’re going to get Eddie. He’s beyond hope.

Brody: But didn’t you hear him apologise when he turned us in? Criminals don’t say they’re sorry.

Paige: Yeah, and innocents don’t try to get you killed.

Brody: Hey, Paige. I know that kid, I was that kid. Look, after my parents died, I fell in with the wrong crowd too. I was scared, lost, I thought I was to blame for what happened.

Paige: I felt that way too but I didn’t try to hurt anybody.

Brody: I did. Relatives, social workers, cops. I’d do anything to push them away all because I didn’t think I was worthy of being helped. Maybe Eddie feels the same way.

Paige: Maybe but I think he crossed the line.

Brody: Not necessarily. See, I think Johnny the Gent got him to set us up. He’s playing Eddie. But what Eddie doesn’t know is that Johnny is the one that killed his brother.

Paige: I thought the cops killed him.

Brody: No, it’s classic noir. That’s just a red herring. If the cops did it, they would’ve beaten Eddie until he told them where the falcon was but they’re still looking for it.

Paige: So the gangsters killed Dan?

Brody: Who else would it be?

Paige: Then maybe we need to end the story by calling the gangsters. All right, let’s go, then back this way.

Brody: Well, hold on, what about Eddie?

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there.]

Piper: Eddie’s the hero of the story so he must know where the falcon is.

Leo: But he blames himself for what happened to his brother. Paige has to get him to see it’s not his fault.

Piper: So he has the confidence to finish the story.

Phoebe: You guys are a great team.

Piper: Match make later, save sister now. You need to get Paige to Eddie.

Phoebe: I can’t, she’s going after the gangsters.

Leo: What? She’s gonna get herself killed.

Phoebe: Well, Kyle is trying to stop her but she won’t listen to him. Wait, when did I take his side?

Piper: Probably around the time you started to call him Kyle.

Leo: Try and block her path.

[Cut to inside the book. Paige and Brody are walking down the alley. A piano falls in front of them.]

Brody: You were saying?

Paige: Thanks, guys, could you be any less subtle?

Brody: Looks like your sisters agree with me.

Paige: Don’t gloat. Let’s go get Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie’s Office. Johnny is there. Paige and Brody walk in.]

Paige: Eddie.

(Johnny points a gun at them.)

Johnny: Sorry to disappoint you. (Brody pulls out a gun.) Drop it.

Brody: Where’s Eddie?

Johnny: I sent him out to look for the two of you. I heard you got away from the cops. Too bad you’re not gonna get away from me.

(He shoots Brody.)

Paige: Kyle!

Johnny: Forget about him, sweetheart. His number’s up.

Commercial Break

[Scene: In the book. Office. Continued from before.]

Paige: Please, we just wanna get out of here. That’s all, I swear. Help.

Johnny: I’m sorry but if I want to get the falcon out of Eddie. I can’t leave any loose ends hanging about. Now listen, in a couple of minutes it’s gonna be over for your friend over there. But you, you’re a knockout. Please, don’t make me waste a bullet on you.

(Eddie walks in.)

Eddie: What’s going on here?

Johnny: Eddie, I didn’t expect you so soon. They came looking to get even for you setting them up.

Paige: That’s not true. He killed my friend in cold blood, just like he killed your brother.

Eddie: What? What are you talking about?

Johnny: Don’t listen to her, Eddie. You know the cops killed your brother, you know that.

Paige: That’s not true. You didn’t see it, did you, Eddie? It’s just a story that Johnny’s been telling you. Don’t you see, he’s been playing you. He tried to force Dan into giving him the falcon but he wouldn’t give it up. So now he’s trying to charm you out of it.

Johnny: That’s it. (He points the gun at Paige.) Say goodnight, Gracie. (He pulls the trigger but there are no bullets in the gun.) What the hell?

Paige: Thank you. I could use a flashback right now.

[Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there.]

Phoebe: Flashback. She wants a flashback.

Leo: Why?

Phoebe: To prove Johnny killed Eddie’s brother.

Piper: But we don’t know that, we can’t make it up, the book won’t let us.

Phoebe: It will if it’s true. “Then Eddie found out how Dan really died. It was as if it was happening all over again.”

[Cut to inside the book. A flashback appears behind them.]

Johnny: I know you found the falcon, Danny.

Johnny: What the hell?

Johnny: So you better tell me where it is if you know what’s good for you.

Dan: No. You can’t kill me. I made you.

(Johnny punches him and throws him to the floor.)

Johnny: Never mind. I’ll get it from your brother one way or the other. (He shoots Dan.) Sucker.

Johnny: You’re not gonna believe that, are you, kid? It’s some kind of smoke and mirrors trick. It’s a pictures show.

Brody: Paige, save your innocent.

Paige: Eddie, you have to stop punishing yourself. This is not your fault. Your brother would not want you to live this way as if you were in some kind of prison. He would want you to grow up, to live your life, to become part of the real world.

(They hear sirens.)

Johnny: Cops. (He grabs Paige.) That’s it. You give me the falcon now or I will break her neck.

Paige: Don’t, it’s your only way out.

Johnny: I’ll do it.

Eddie: All right. Don’t hurt her, I’ll give it to you.

Johnny: It better not be a trick, kid.

Eddie: It’s not. I should have done this a long time ago.

(Eddie walks over to a painting and removes it from the wall. Behind it is a safe. Eddie opens the safe and pulls out a bird statue.)

Johnny: Where did you find it?

Eddie: It doesn’t matter. All that matters is no one else dies because of it. Let her go.

Johnny: Give it to me. Come on, come on, I gotta go.

Paige: You can’t. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end.

Eddie: Trust me, it is.

Johnny: Give it to me. (Eddie raises it above his head.) No, no, no!

(Eddie smashes the falcon on the floor.)

[Cut to the manor. Attic. Smoke rises out of the book.]

Phoebe: Wow, wow, okay, we did it, we did it. (Paige, Brody and Eddie appear.) We did it.

Paige: Leo.

Leo: I got him.

(Leo heals Brody.)

Brody: Hey, you’re in colour.

Paige: We all are. So we having fun yet?

Eddie: Hey, where are we?

Piper: Story’s over. You’re a hero. Your brother would be very proud of you.

Eddie: Yeah, well, what do I do now?

Piper: You go home. Your parents will be thrilled to see you. They never gave up on you.

Leo: Or each other.

Phoebe: Don’t forget this. (On the cover of the book, “and the Halliwell Sisters” appears after “by the Mullen Brothers”.) Hey, look, we’re novelists.

(She holds out the book.)

Eddie: Nah, you know what? You keep it. Now that it’s finished, no one else will get sucked inside it.

Paige: I actually think it belongs in the library at Magic School.

Piper: (to Leo) Speaking of Magic School, after you drop off Eddie, why don’t you pick up the kids and we can have a late dinner, talk.

Leo: I’d like that.

Eddie: I guess this is it then. Thank you.

Brody: Stay out of trouble, man, will you?

Paige: Bye. (Leo orbs out with Eddie.) Are you hungry?

Brody: Starving.

Paige: I think we should go then.

(Paige and Brody head for the door.)

Piper: All right, then, you all go. See you later.

Phoebe: Lana and the Fed.

Piper: Sounds like a thriller to me.

Phoebe: More like a romance novel whether we like it or not.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Brody’s Apartment. Paige and Brody are there standing close to each other.]

Brody: Remember our deal, right?

Paige: I remember there being talk of a deal.

Brody: So I suppose that you’ll find time to help me with the Avatars?

Paige: I suppose you’ll wanna look at the books at Magic School?

Brody: I suppose I’m not thinking about those books right now.

Paige: I suppose I’m hoping you’re not thinking of those books.

Brody: I wonder if I know what you mean.

Paige: I wonder if I… Shut up and kiss me.

(They kiss.)