Written by: Daniel Cerone
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 5, Episode 15
Episode Number: 103
[Scene: Manor. Backyard. Night time. Piper and Phoebe are sitting on chairs looking up at a green mist in the sky. Paige walks out.]
Piper: It’s even brighter than it was an hour ago.
Phoebe: It’s like magic and science and fairy tales all rolled up into one.
Paige: Actually, it’s ion speeding into the earth’s magnetic field and then they collide with air molecules. Hm. (She sits down on a chair.) Do you guys think it’s weird that the Aurora Borealis is happening the night before the Wiccan Festival of Lights?
Piper: I’ve been so busy planning for the baby, I forgot tomorrow is a Sabbath.
Paige: Yep, it’s definitely a time for renewal and growth.
Piper: Uh, please, don’t say growth. If this little thing gets any bigger, I’ll never be able to snap back.
Paige: Hey, was that a shiver? I think I detected a shiver. Lady, you should go inside with that shiver.
Piper: Shh, I’m fine, I’m feeling fine.
Phoebe: You didn’t look so fine when you were bent over the toilet puking your guts out today.
Piper: Nausea, headaches, all a normal part of pregnancy. Along with gas, heartburn, constant need to pee.
Phoebe: Sounds fun.
(A goose squawks. They see a white goose in front of them lay a golden egg. It flies into the house. Paige gets up.)
Paige: Uh, another golden goose.
(Paige picks up the golden egg.)
Piper: You’d think the magical community could find maybe something else to give to the baby.
Phoebe: Well, that’s the hot item this year.
Paige: Yeah, I could definitely melt this down and make a fashionable ring.
Piper: You are not keeping that.
(Inside, Leo walks past the door.)
Leo: Goosy, goosy, goosy.
(Leo dives for the goose and lands on the floor. Piper and Phoebe laugh. Leo gets up and runs through the house.)
Piper: As much as I am enjoying the spectacle, I think we should really send those things back. Dad is in town tomorrow and he wants to stop by for a visit.
Phoebe: Yeah, he does get very Darin Stevens about our whole magic thing.
Paige: Yeah, we should maybe have Leo ask the Elders what the policy is on magical gift returns. We don’t want a curse put on the family or anything.
(Leo walks outside.)
Piper: Yes, good idea.
(The Elders call Leo.)
Leo: I wonder what the Elders want this late?
Piper: Well, I don’t know, but you go find out and keep it down when you come back because I’m gonna head up… (She stands up and feels dizzy.) Ohh. Or maybe down.
(She faints back onto the chair.)
(They rush to her side.)
(Leo tries to heal Piper.)
Paige: What’s going on?
Leo: I don’t know, I can’t heal her, she won’t come to.
Phoebe: Okay, to the hospital. Come on.
[Scene: Hospital. A room. Piper is lying in bed with Phoebe, Paige and Leo surrounding her.]
Phoebe: You scared us.
Piper: Me too. I guess I’m not so invincible after all.
Paige: Yeah, maybe we need to start taking better care of you.
Piper: No, it was my fault, everybody was telling me to slow down.
Leo: It’s not your fault. We’re all in uncharted territory. The Elders said that this was a special child and anything can happen. Lets not forget that.
(A female doctor walks in carrying a file.)
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Piper: Eh, tired and weak.
Doctor: I’ve got your test results here but I can’t find your chart. When are you due?
Piper: Uh, six weeks.
Doctor: And who is your regular doctor?
Piper: Uh… we don’t have one.
Leo: We’ve sorta been seeing a alternative medical practitioners.
Doctor: You don’t have an OB/GYN?
Phoebe: We’re training to be midwives.
Doctor: I’m open to all forms of healing but a woman in her third trimester should’ve had ultrasounds and blood work done by now. A medical doctor could have caught your condition earlier.
Piper: My condition?
Doctor: Toxaemia. It’s a form of high blood pressure in pregnant women. Do you deal with unusual stress in your life?
Paige: Very unusual.
Piper: Is it serious?
Doctor: Toxaemia restricts blood flow and food and oxygen to the placenta. It can result in a small baby, premature delivery or it can lead to other complications, none of which you need to worry about now. Most women respond quickly to the treatment.
Piper: Okay, so give me the treatment.
Doctor: The treatment involves a no salt diet, no stress and lots of bed rest. Do that and the symptoms should reverse. I’ll be back later to check on you.
(The doctor leaves the room.)
Leo: That’s probably why I couldn’t heal you. High blood pressure isn’t just physical, it’s a state of mind.
Paige: No stress and bed rest. Do you think you can handle that?
Piper: Yeah, I can handle that. I’ll do anything.
Phoebe: So will we.
[Scene: The woods. A demon, Cronyn, stands beside a small fire. His assistant, Stanley, walks up beside him carrying an armload of wood.]
Cronyn: Oh, I have waited a life time for this.
Stanley: The Aurora Borealis is a rare sight indeed, sir.
(Stanley throws the wood onto the fire.)
Cronyn: It’s much more than that. Two centuries ago when I became an apprentice, I devoted my life to sorcery and the black arts. And do you know why?
Stanley: No, sir.
Cronyn: In the hope that an ancient prophecy, which my mentor kept hidden, would one day come to pass.
Stanley: Has it?
Cronyn: Well, look up. The signs are converging. The future of all magic hangs in the balance. And only I know it.
Stanley: And now I know it too, sir.
Cronyn: Oh, yes you do. That’s why you’re going to help me by attacking the Charmed Ones tomorrow with fireballs.
Stanley: Fireballs? No-no-no, fireballs are useless against those witches.
Cronyn: Well, actually, you’ll be lucky to have any fireball power at all if things happen the way I expect them to.
Stanley: It sounds like suicide, sir.
Cronyn: Suicide? Sacrifice. It’s an opportunity of a life time to have power over good forever. This is a kind of mission that turns demons into legends. Your name will go down in infamy.
Cronyn: Yes. What’s your name again?
Cronyn: Stanley. (He touches Stanley’s face.) It all starts with you. Attack the witches, go down fighting, secure your legacy.
Stanley: I’ll do my best, sir.
[Scene: Manor. Piper’s room. Phoebe’s there. She places a vase of flowers on the bedside table. She then walks over to a candle and lights it. Paige orbs in holding a bucket of bubbling mud.]
Paige: Greetings from the dead sea.
Phoebe: Oh. Pew! What’d you eat over there.
Paige: It’s not me, it’s the sulphur in the mud. It has healing properties. You know, people comes from all over the world just to get this stuff.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, we want Piper to feel like she’s in a spa, not some sewer.
Paige: I guess you’re right, I just wanted the best for her.
Phoebe: I know, sweetie, we’re gonna take good care of her and the baby. I promise.
Piper: (from downstairs) Hello?
Phoebe: (excited) There she is.
[Cut to the foyer. Piper and Leo are there. Phoebe and Paige race down the stairs.]
Phoebe: Welcome home, honey. Or should I say your highness? Because from now on we are your loyal subjects.
(She gives Piper a big hug.)
Paige: We even turned your bedroom into a royal throne room.
Leo: Let me take you there now, my queen.
Piper: Alright, knock it off before I cut your heads off. I don’t want any special treatment.
Phoebe: Piper, we love you, let us love you.
Paige: Yeah, I mean, as your sisters and your midwives, we feel it’s our duty to provide you with solitude and serenity and…
(A goose squawks and three golden geese walk into the living room.)
Piper: A gaggle of geese.
Leo: I thought you guys were gonna get rid of those.
Phoebe: You said you were gonna ask the Elders on magical gift return policies.
Piper: Okay, you guys, it’s fine, everything’s fine. It’s not gonna bother me, I’m not gonna let anything bother me for the sake of my daughter.
Leo: Come on, I’ll take you upstairs.
(Piper and Leo go upstairs.)
Phoebe: I thought you said you tied them up.
Paige: I did, but the little flockers got loose.
Phoebe: Okay, we have to do better than this for Piper. I mean, if we can’t keep geese away from her, how are we supposed to protect her from demons?
Paige: Okay, you’re right, you’re right, we should take turns guarding the manor. You know, who knows what kind of weirdo stuff’s gonna show up… (They hear a neighing noise coming from the kitchen.) Here? (They walk into the kitchen to find a white unicorn standing there. It has gotten into all the food. Phoebe panics.) Oh my goodness, it’s a unicorn.
Phoebe: Yes, it is. In our kitchen. Is that another baby present you think, maybe?
Paige: Yeah, the best one ever.
(Paige goes over and pets the unicorn.)
Phoebe: Okay, Paige, while unicorns may be very magical and cool, I’m not so sure it’s appropriate for a baby.
Paige: Oh, come on now. Our little niece will grow into it.
Phoebe: I’m not so sure about that. Have you seen those hooves? And how are we gonna baby proof that horn?
(Paige notices a card tied around its neck.)
Paige: Hey, look, there’s a card. “From El.” (Part of the card is torn.) El? Do we know anybody in Spain?
Phoebe: Paige, I don’t care who it’s from, okay? It just can’t be here now. It’s way too much stress for Piper and the baby, okay? So just orb it out of here.
Paige: I can’t. Unicorns are mythical beasts from another world. Where do you propose I orb it to?
Phoebe: I don’t care where you orb it to, just get it out of here, okay?
Paige: Fine, I’ll orb it somewhere safe and tie it up until we figure it out.
(She touches the unicorn and tries to orb out. She glows in white orbs for a second and then the orbs vanish, leaving Paige still in the kitchen.)
Phoebe: What was that?
Paige: I can’t orb it.
Phoebe: Okay, stand back. Uh, “take this beast, before I end her, ship her back, return to sender.” (Nothing happens.) Wait, why aren’t my powers working?
Paige: Uh, apple. (Nothing happens.) Nothing.
Phoebe: Oh, no. (Phoebe tries to levitate but can’t.) I can’t levitate, I’m grounded.
(Leo rushes in, panicking.)
Leo: Something’s wrong, something’s wrong, I can’t orb. I was trying to go to the Elders to find out how to get rid of the golden geese and why is there a unicorn in the kitchen?
Paige: Forget the unicorn, our magic’s down too?
Leo: It is?
Phoebe: Okay, well, whatever hit us, we have to assume also hit Piper. Okay, and she can’t find out about this until we know what’s going on because she…
Piper: (upstairs) Hello? Where is everybody?
Leo: Why is she out of bed?
Phoebe: I don’t know.
Paige: Go put her back.
Phoebe: Go, go! (Leo rushes out of the kitchen.) Alright, Paige, uh, you take the magical farm animals and put them down in the basement. I’m gonna get the book and I’ll meet you down there.
(Phoebe rushes out of the kitchen.)
Paige: Alright, you’re Spanish. Andale!
(She waves her arms and clicks her fingers. It doesn’t move.)
[Cut to the stairway. Piper is coming down the stairs. Leo comes around the corner.]
Leo: Why are you on your feet?
Piper: I was coming down to get some food. A person could starve around here.
(Phoebe runs around the corner.)
Phoebe: Hi. Bye.
(She runs up the stairs.)
Leo: Alright, come on upstairs, I’ll get your food. You’re supposed to be on bed rest.
Piper: Okay, well, bed rest doesn’t actually mean…
Leo: Yes, it does. The doctor said stay off your feet and relax.
(Piper and Leo go upstairs. The unicorn walks down the hallway and Paige runs after it.)
Paige: Here, unicorn.
[Cut to Piper’s bedroom. Piper and Leo walk in.]
Piper: Relax. Everybody keeps telling me to relax, like it’s something you do. Like, like switching off a light.
Leo: You need to learn how to do it, Piper, if you’re gonna get your blood pressure under control.
Piper: My blood pressure would not be a problem if we had been seeing a doctor like we were supposed to.
Leo: I knew that was coming. Come on, sit down.
(He helps her to the bed but she pushes him away.)
Piper: Don’t treat me like a baby factory, I can sit myself down. (She sits on the bed.) All these fears about a magical baby and don’t let the doctors find out and we’ll buy a birthing ball and Paige and Phoebe will be midwives. And you know what? We were wrong.
Leo: How can you say that?
Piper: Because somehow in the middle of all this we forgot the most important thing of all. What’s best for the baby.
Leo: Well, that’s not fair. A lot of people decide to have babies at home.
Piper: Uh huh, maybe so but I was not one of them. And this baby is not even out of the womb yet and I’m already screwing up as a mother.
Leo: You’re haven’t screwed up.
Piper: Yes, I did, Leo, I did. I have a disease that is threatening our baby and I could’ve avoided it if I had just trusted my instincts.
Leo: Well, what are your instincts telling you now?
Piper: To have this baby in a hospital.
Leo: Okay, I’ll make arrangements today.
Piper: Oh, really. And what happens when she’s delivered in swaddling orbs?
Leo: We’ll deal with it then. From now on I want you to feel safe and secure, okay? (He kisses her forehead and leans back knocking over a side table and all the stuff on it.) No magic! No magic! No magic! It’s just too much stress on your body.
Piper: Like that mess on the floor’s not gonna stress me out?
Leo: Well, I’ll clean it up.
(The phone rings. Piper answers it.)
Piper: Hello? Uh, sure. (to Leo) It’s one of your charges. Since when do they use the telephone?
Leo: Since I’ve been ignoring them to spend more time with my lovely wife. (He takes the phone.) Excuse me. Hello?
[Cut to the basement. Paige is there with the unicorn and the golden geese. Paige ties up the unicorn.]
Paige: There you go. (She walks over to the geese.) Come on, come on. (She steps backwards and stands on a golden egg. It smashes all over the floor.) Aw, yuck.
(Phoebe comes down the stairs carrying the Book of Shadows.)
Phoebe: Okay, look at this, check this out. (She flips open the book. The pages are blank.) The whole book has been erased.
Paige: How’s that possible?
Phoebe: I don’t know and without the book, I don’t even know how to find out. It’s like someone’s taken the magic and erased it from our entire family.
Paige: I think it’s bigger than that.
(They look at the squished egg on the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh, is that from one of our golden geese?
Paige: Yeah, I don’t think we’re gonna be able to return them now.
Phoebe: What is going on?
Paige: You know, this all started when El mystery mare arrived. Maybe she’s a Trojan unicorn sent to suck away our magic.
Phoebe: No, I doubt it. Unicorns are the essence of good magic. If anything, they should enhance our powers, not steal them. What about the sky last night?
Paige: What, the northern lights on the eve of a Sabbath? Yeah, it could be a mystical sign but don’t those normally come in threes? Where’s the third?
Phoebe: Have you been experiencing uncontrollable emotional mood swings in the last week?
Paige: Am I that transparent?
Phoebe: No, but read your horoscope. Jupiter, Mars and Saturn are all in Gemini. That only happens once every three hundred years.
Paige: Holy Hannah. It’s like the universe is practically screaming at us to get our attention.
Phoebe: Yeah, but what is it trying to say?
Paige: I don’t know. But I’ve got a lot of research books in the attic. I’m gonna go up there and check it out.
Phoebe: Okay, I’ll meet you up there. I’m gonna try to figure out a way to wrangle the geese.
Paige: Good luck.
(Paige goes up the stairs.)
[Cut to the stairway. Stanley is sneaking up the stairs. Paige comes around the corner.]
Paige: Hey! Who the hell are you?
Stanley: They call me Stanley. (A fireball forms in his hand and then vanishes.) I was afraid of that.
Paige: At least it’s a level playing field.
(Stanley runs down the stairs and attacks Paige.)
[Cut to Piper’s room. Piper is watching TV. Leo is cleaning up the mess on the floor.]
Tabitha: (on TV) Tonight, Tabitha is going to get her revenge. On all of harmony.
Piper: Hm. Like that spell would’ve worked. (They hear a thump coming from downstairs.) What was that?
(They hear another thump.)
Leo: Oh, that. That’s probably the girls trying to run down the geese. Yeah, tricky birds, you know. Listen, I’ll go help out, you, uh, relax.
(He turns up the volume on the TV and smiles at Piper. He leaves the room.)
[Cut to downstairs. Paige and Stanley are fighting. Stanley knocks Paige to the floor. He grabs a marble tabletop from nearby and holds it above his head. Phoebe runs in holding a knife.]
(She throws the knife at Stanley and hits him in his chest.)
Stanley: My name will haunt you to your grave.
(He falls backwards, dead. Phoebe helps Paige up.)
Phoebe: What was his name again?
Paige: I don’t remember.
(Green slime pours out of Stanley’s chest. Leo comes down the stairs.)
Leo: What’s with the leftovers?
Paige: Well, his magic ran out just like ours.
Phoebe: Okay, so we have no powers, demons have no powers, what is going on here?
Leo: I don’t know. I just got a call from a charge and her powers are down too. So I unplugged the phone just in case we get any more calls. I don’t want Piper to panic.
Paige: Oh, well, it’s official. Magic’s down everywhere.
(The unicorn neighs and walks into the dining room.)
Phoebe: I thought you tied her up.
Paige: I did, she eats through everything.
(The doorbell rings.)
Phoebe: Oh, god, what time is it? That’s probably dad.
Leo: I’ll get the unicorn.
Paige: We got the body.
(Phoebe opens the closet door and they grab his arms.)
Phoebe: Alright, ready?
Paige: Come on, dead guy.
(They drag him into the closet.)
Victor: (from outside) Hello? Anybody home?
(Leo takes the unicorn into the kitchen. Phoebe and Paige tuck the demon’s legs into the closet and close the door.)
Piper: (from upstairs) Somebody get that?
(Phoebe and Paige go into the foyer and open the door. Victor and a woman is standing there.)
Victor: Phoebe, Paige, I’d like you to meet Doris.
Victor: My new wife and your new stepmother.
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe, Paige, Victor and Doris head toward the stairway.]
Phoebe: How are you. Married?
Paige: We didn’t even know you were dating.
Phoebe: Or that you date at all for that matter, dad.
Victor: Well, it happened pretty fast.
Doris: Yes, we met on the singles cruise.
Phoebe: Oh, that trip to Mexico. That was a singles cruise?
Victor: Yeah, I’m a man of many mysteries.
Victor: Where’s Piper? I wanna share the good news.
(He heads for the stairs but Paige stops him.)
Paige: Oh, god, no, that’s okay. She’s upstairs resting. We found out last night that she has a blood pressure condition.
Victor: She’s okay?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, she’s fine. Don’t worry. At least don’t let her see you worry, anyway.
Doris: Poor thing. Young women today are under so many pressures. Is she eating enough garlic? Because it dilates the blood vessels, you know.
(She hands her coat and purse to Victor.)
Phoebe: Oh, well, we’ll have to fix some of that up.
(Victor heads for the closet but Paige grabs the coat and purse off him.)
Paige: Oh, let me take that for you. (Paige goes over to the closet, opens it and quickly throws the coat and purse on top of the dead demon. She quickly closes the door and turns around.) We’re all outta hangers.
(Piper comes down the stairs.)
Piper: Hey, dad!
Victor: Hey, Piper! (He goes over and gives her a hug.) Oh, I heard the news. You shouldn’t be on your feet.
Phoebe: Dad’s got some news of his own. Gently though, dad, we don’t want her to drop that calf right there on the stairs.
Victor: Piper, I want you to meet Doris, my new bride.
(Piper’s eyes widen.)
(Doris walks over to Piper. Piper fakes a smile.)
Doris: Hello, Piper.
Piper: Hi, hi, uh, Doris. W-w-welcome to the family, I guess.
Victor: I know it’s kinda sudden but sometimes when life drops a peach at your feet, you’ve gotta stop and make some cobbler.
(The closet door opens and Stanley’s leg falls out. Just as that happens, Victor leans in and kisses Doris, so they don’t notice. Paige quickly pushes Stanley’s leg back in the closet and slams the door.)
Paige: That is always my motto, isn’t that funny?
Phoebe: Uh, uh, apparently they met on a singles cruise. Did you know dad goes on singles cruises?
Doris: Oh, it was like in the movies. Our eyes met across the buffet bar, your dad’s so handsome and, well, I told him, don’t eat the rolls, you know, too much processed flour. (Stanley’s green blood escapes from under the closet door.) Anyway, we stayed up all night long talking, (Paige drags the rug along the floor with her foot and covers the blood.) And by the morning we just knew.
Victor: Mmm, she devastates me.
(Leo walks in.)
Leo: Okay, I put away the uni… (He sees everyone.) Cycle.
Piper: What unicycle?
Leo: It’s a baby gift. Hey, Victor.
Doris: Hello, I’m Doris. (She shakes his hand.) I’m your new mother-in-law.
Leo: Oh, hi, I guess I missed a lot, didn’t I?
Phoebe: Okay, now that we’ve all met, maybe the two lucky newlyweds should check into the hotel because it’s really crazy here and then we’ll call you…
Doris: Oh-oh, no. We’re not going anywhere.
Piper: You’re not?
Doris: No, I used to volunteer at the hospital. We can stay and help take care of you.
(Piper puts on a fake smile.)
Piper: You can?
Doris: I look forward to some real mother-daughter bonding.
Piper: You do, huh?
(The doorbell rings.)
Paige: Well, you know, now that we’ve figured out you’re staying here, let’s get Piper off her feet, shall we?
(Piper walks over to Phoebe and Paige.)
Piper: (whispers) You can’t leave me alone with her.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, we have to. Because what if it’s another magical baby gift?
(Piper is not happy. She turns back towards the stairs.)
Leo: Come on, upstairs.
(Piper, Leo, Victor and Doris go upstairs. The doorbell rings again. Phoebe and Paige go and open the door. Cronyn is standing there.)
Paige: Can I help you?
Cronyn: To save magic? I hope so.
[Time lapse. Backyard. Cronyn is waiting there. Phoebe and Paige walk out.]
Paige: Okay, sorcerers don’t just drop by our house. What makes you think we’re not going to vanquish you?
Cronyn: Because you can’t. Didn’t you get my message? My apprentice was supposed to drop by this morning.
Phoebe: Oh, that guy? He’s dead in our closet. But he didn’t give us a message.
Cronyn: Because he was the message. To demonstrate the dire nature of our situation.
Paige: So you’re saying demons don’t have power either.
Cronyn: Down to the last imp. There’s fear and panic everywhere. Demons stuck in the underworld with no way up. Others stuck topside with no way down.
Phoebe: Oh, poor little evil creatures.
Cronyn: Well, I see your flowers haven’t died yet, and they will. With no gnomes or garden nymphs to spin their delicate magic.
Paige: Don’t go getting all enchanted on us.
Cronyn: Oh, don’t worry, I hate good magic, fairy tales, wishes on stars, and children who believe in Santa Claus. Mortals don’t know it exists, but magic infuses all their hopes and dreams.
Paige: Stand back, I think he’s gonna break out in song.
Cronyn: Oh, hardly. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to watch it all ripped from the world.
Phoebe: So why not just sit back and watch the show? Why come to us?
Cronyn: Because I want my power back. Magic must be saved and it’s up to us.
Paige: Us? We’re us, you’re them. We don’t help them’s. Sorry.
Cronyn: You can’t fix this by yourselves. That’s why you invited me here to your backyard. But together, together we can interpret the signs.
Phoebe: (to Paige) You were right about the signs. (to Cronyn) Okay, so what do you propose that we do?
Cronyn: A summit between good and evil to discuss the crisis. Of course, there’d be certain rules. No guns, no knives, etc, you know.
Paige: The exit’s that way, so if you wanna just… (whistles).
Cronyn: We don’t have much time. The longer magic is down, the harder it is to restore. (He pulls out a business card which reads “Cronyn, Sorcerer – Evil Magic For All Occasions” and hands it to Phoebe.) My cell phone’s on the back in case your sister changes her mind.
Phoebe: Cronyn, huh? Since when do sorcerers have cell phones?
Cronyn: You think that’s bad? I’ve got a taxi waiting out front. Call me.
(He heads for the exit. Phoebe laughs.)
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe and Paige walk in from the backyard.]
Paige: I don’t trust him.
Phoebe: Yeah, but I kinda liked his whole world without magic speech. It was very Capra.
Paige: Pure crappa. I don’t wanna help evil.
(Leo walks in.)
Leo: What evil?
Phoebe: A sorcerer wants to arrange peace talks for the whole magic crisis.
Paige: Oh, yeah, and Phoebe is actually considering it.
Phoebe: Well, of course I’m considering it, the future of magic is at stake here, not to mention the future of my niece. And what else do we have right now? There’s no powers, no book, no Elders.
Leo: Phoebe’s right. Without magic, Piper and the baby are vulnerable, we can’t protect them.
Paige: Okay, fine, but if there’s a meeting we’re going in heavy, in case it’s a trap.
Phoebe: Okay, but Cronyn said no weapons.
Paige: And you trust him? Leo, I’m gonna need some saltpetre and some cayenne pepper from the kitchen.
Leo: For what?
Paige: A homemade arsenal. Phoebe, would you kindly get an aerosol can. Ladies and gentleman, it’s time to lock and load.
[Cut to Piper’s room. Doris is unpacking a gift basket.]
Doris: I knew this gift basket would come in handy. And lucky for you I am always ready for emergencies.
Victor: You should’ve seen our first date.
Doris: Oh, your father spilled steak sauce all down the front of his shirt.
Victor: And Doris pulls out a bottle of stain remover from her purse.
Doris: Of course I licked it off your chin first.
(Victor and Doris kiss. Piper turns her head.)
Piper: Oh, that’s so sweet. (Leo walks past her room carrying saltpetre and cayenne pepper.) Hi, honey, what are you doing?
(Leo comes back and stands at the door.)
Leo: Uh, I’m just taking Paige some spices. She’s gonna make a homeopathic remedy to help you relax. See ya.
Doris: Homeopathic medicine? You’re into homeopathic medicine? I knew I was gonna love this family. This is unbelievable. My first husband passed away a couple of years ago, heart attack. And the first thing I did when we got home from the cruise is put your father on a low fat, high fibre diet.
Victor: And a monthly colonic.
(Piper turns her head once again and sees Phoebe walk into the room.)
Piper: Hi, Phoebe, come sit, talk with us, please.
Phoebe: Oh, I can’t, I have a big meeting at work. Do you have any hairspray I could borrow?
Piper: You have hairspray.
Phoebe: Yeah, but mine’s non-aerosol and it’s a really big meeting, so I need aerosol for that super firm hold, you know.
Piper: Check my bathroom.
(Phoebe walks past them and goes in the bathroom.)
Doris: Oh, honey, you know what? There’s no cheese knife here. Would you mind going downstairs and getting it.
Victor: Absolutely, baby doll.
(Victor kisses Doris and heads for the door. He turns around and smiles, then leaves. Phoebe walks back in the room with the aerosol can.)
Doris: Uh, girls? I just wanted to let you know how I feel about your father. I, I just feel so lucky. He’s the most special man I’ve ever met.
Piper: Thank you.
Phoebe: That’s the sweetest thing you could ever say to us.
Doris: Well, it’s true, you know. He’s so, he’s so kind and he’s so sensitive. And, oh, he’s the most exciting lover. Oh! I mean, girlfriends, he can go all night. I’m not kidding.
(Doris squeals. Phoebe and Piper fake a smile.)
Phoebe: Did ya hear? Gotta go to that meeting.
Piper: Don’t leave me.
(Phoebe leaves the room.)
[Cut to the attic. Paige and Leo are there. Leo is making a candle. Paige puts down the phone. Phoebe walks in.]
Paige: That was Cronyn. (She picks up a bottle and pours a red liquid into it.) He says, uh, he’ll meet us in an hour. He suggested one of his, you know, dark chambers, I suggested Manny’s Pizzeria.
Phoebe: Nice, public venue, way to go. What is that?
Paige: This would be a pipe bomb, dear.
Phoebe: Oh, what…
Paige: I was good at chem lab in high school. How’s the candle going?
Leo: Fine, it just needs a few minutes to set. Are you sure it’s gonna give us smoke?
Paige: Total whiteout, as long as you put six parts of saltpetre in there.
Leo: Okay, we have one flammable spray can, one lotion bottle bomb, a smoking candle, two sharpened nail files, four cayenne pepper spray straws, and assorted rings and bracelets?
(Phoebe shows her hands to reveal her fingers covered in rings.)
Paige: Well, it kinda makes you appreciate your powers, doesn’t it?
Phoebe: We don’t need no stinkin’ powers to kick some demon ass.
Paige: Well, maybe you don’t. You’re a little bit better with your mono-e-mono stuff. Speaking of, I have some extra gifts for you, my dear.
(They go over to a chest.)
Paige: These were mine and now they’re yours. (She pulls out a chain mail top.) Chain mail top from my club days. Steel toed boots from my mosh pit days. Handcuffs, from last Friday.
(Leo tests the candle and a big cloud of smoke rises from it.)
Phoebe: Hey, do you think we’re making a huge mistake by not telling Piper about this?
Paige: No, absolutely not, I think she needs to relax.
Leo: I agree. Piper’s not just carrying the next generation of Halliwell, she’s carrying the next generation of magic.
Phoebe: Then let’s go save them.
[Cut to Piper’s bedroom. Piper’s eating a cracker. Doris is sitting on Victor’s lap. They are doing a magazine quiz.]
Doris: Okay, the last question is, what is your lover’s favourite article of clothing? Hm. Oh, it has to be your grey cardigan. Am I right?
Victor: As always, baby doll.
(They kiss. Piper lays back in her bed and gets under the covers.)
Doris: Okay, that’s nineteen out of twenty. That makes our romance rating jalapeno hot.
(Victor growls and Doris giggles. Piper spots Phoebe, Paige and Leo walking past the room.)
Piper: Hey! Somebody get in here. (Phoebe and Paige leave Leo. Leo goes in the room.) Hi. I may be stuck in bed but I am not stuck on stupid. I know that something’s going on.
Leo: Well, you wanted a doctor and she told you to relax, so, relax.
Piper: Mmm, how can I relax when I know that you’re hiding something from me? All the strange noises and weird behaviour. Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on?
Leo: Okay, um… (to Victor and Doris) I’m sorry, you guys, we need a moment, a magical moment.
Victor: Oh, alright, then.
(They get up and leave the room. Leo closes the door.)
Leo: Okay, uh, well, it’s really nothing to worry about. Magic has disappeared from the world and Phoebe and Paige went to have a summit meeting with evil so they can fix it. See? Nothing to worry about.
Piper: I see. Okay, I am not gonna get upset about this. I am just gonna blow you to pieces.
(She tries to blow him up but nothing happens.)
Leo: See, I tried to tell you.
Piper: Oh, no!
Leo: Listen, I-I’m sure it’s nothing. Phoebe and Paige…
Piper: Leo, no. My water just broke.
[Scene: Manny’s Pizzeria. Phoebe and Paige walk into the crowded shop. They look around and spot Cronyn sitting at a table with two other men. They walk over to them.]
Cronyn: This is Merrill, our highest ranking wizard and personal mentor. Kane, top advisor to the warlocks.
Kane: Check their bags for weapons.
Paige: Like we’d attack in front of civilians. That’s why we chose a public place.
Cronyn: You can’t be too safe, you know. (Phoebe and Paige hand them their handbags. They look inside.) What’s with the candle?
Phoebe: We thought we’d try a wiccan ritual or two to try to bring back magic.
Cronyn: Let’s get down to business.
(They hand back the handbags.)
Phoebe: Okay, well, wait a minute, bubs. How do we know you guys aren’t packing weapons?
Kane: You mean like this?
(Kane stands up and pulls out a big knife.)
Paige: Hey, now.
(The room falls silent.)
Phoebe: Did it just get very quiet in here?
Cronyn: You don’t think we’d pass up the opportunity to take out the Charmed Ones, now do you?
(Everyone in the room stand up, all holding weapons. They surround Phoebe and Paige.)
[Scene: Manny’s Pizzeria. Phoebe crashes through a window and lands behind a table. Paige goes flying through the room, landing on the table and falling to the floor.]
Phoebe: How did you do it? This place must’ve been crawling with customers.
Cronyn: We paid them to leave. Of course, the owner wanted to stay but he’s browning in the pizza oven.
Paige: What about magic? Who’s gonna fix it?
Cronyn: I got that covered. Which is more than I can say for you two.
Phoebe: If you don’t think we came prepared for this moment, you are sadly mistaken. (She pulls out the hairspray can and holds it up. The demons move closer. Phoebe sprays the can and holds a lighter under it. The demons duck as the ball of fire heads for them. Paige lights the lotion bottle bomb and throws it at the demons. Phoebe and Paige duck for cover. One demon catches it and it blows up the whole room. The demons groan in pain.) We’ve gotta fight our way out of this or die trying. You ready?
(Phoebe lights the smoke candle and throws it in the room. Thick smoke fills the room. Cronyn grabs Kane.)
Cronyn: Don’t let ’em out alive.
(He heads for the door. Phoebe and Paige run into the room, Paige holding a baseball bat, and start attacking the demons. Cronyn leaves the Pizzeria.)
[Cut to the manor. Piper’s room. Piper, Leo and Victor are there. Piper is panicking.]
Piper: What are we doing? Why are we sitting here? We need to go to the hospital now.
Leo: You need to relax. Your water broke, it’s no need to panic.
Piper: No, you are wrong. My due date is six weeks away. This baby is not ready to come out. Please, take me to the hospital.
Leo: Okay, okay.
(Doris walks in.)
Doris: I just got off the phone with your doctor and she said don’t move until she gets here.
Piper: She’s coming here?
Doris: She’s on her way now.
Victor: There. See? Everything’s gonna be okay.
Piper: I need Phoebe and Paige, they’ve trained so hard for this, they should be here now.
Leo: I called Phoebe’s cell phone, there was no answer.
Victor: Well, can’t you just, you know, pop over there and get them in that special way you do?
Leo: Kinda got a problem with that right now.
Piper: Ooh! (She holds her stomach.) Oh my god, contraction.
Doris: Okay, okay, just breathe. (Doris does breathing exercise. Piper copies her.) Piper needs all the love and support we can give her right now, Leo. Go and get her sisters.
Piper: Please. (Leo kisses Piper on her forehead and leaves.) Okay, it’s over, okay.
Doris: Now, the doctor said I need to keep you warm, so I’m gonna change all the sheets and all these wet blankets, alright?
(Doris looks at Victor and he nods. They go out into the hallway.)
Victor: Hey, what if the baby comes before the doctor gets here? Do you know what to do?
(She kisses him and smiles.)
Doris: I know exactly what to do.
(Doris pulls out a knife and stabs Victor in the stomach. He falls to the floor.)
[Cut to Piper’s room. Piper has changed into a nightgown. She sits on the bed. Doris walks in carrying a pile of sheets.]
Doris: Alrighty, then.
Piper: Where’s dad?
Doris: Oh, he decided to go with Leo. Oh, but don’t worry, you still have family here.
[Cut to the Pizzeria. Merrill crawls along the floor, wounded. Phoebe stands above him.]
Phoebe: Where’s Cronyn?
Merrill: He had business to attend to.
Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll bet.
(Phoebe pulls handcuffs out of her handbag and cuffs Merrill to a chair. Paige walks over and holds a knife to his throat.)
Paige: Did Cronyn bring down magic?
Merrill: He doesn’t have the power.
Phoebe: No, but you do.
Paige: Of course, you’re his mentor.
Phoebe: What happened to magic?
Paige: Answer the lady’s question.
Merrill: Centuries ago, I unearthed a quatrain from the tomb of a wise apothecary. “When three planets burn as one over a sky of dancing light, and magic will rest for a holy day to welcome a twice blessed child.”
Paige: Those are the signs that we saw. The Aurora Borealis, the planetary alignment, the wiccan Sabbath.
Phoebe: Wait, back to the twice blessed child business. What is that?
Paige: Cronyn is not after us…
Phoebe: He’s after Piper’s baby. Oh my god.
(Phoebe pulls out her cell phone and dials the manor.)
Paige: That’s why he led us here to our slaughter so the Power of Three couldn’t find him. When do we get our powers back?
Merrill: When it’s too late to use them.
Phoebe: The house line’s dead.
Merrill: Magic won’t return to the world until the baby is born, which should be any minute.
[Cut to the manor. Piper’s room. Piper is in bed, back to the door. Doris sits down beside her. Cronyn walks into the room.]
Piper: Finally, Leo… (She turns around and sees Cronyn.) Who are you?
Cronyn: I’m here for your baby.
(Piper looks at Doris and she smiles. Piper starts to panic.)
Cronyn: It’d be easier if you’d just relax, Piper. (He puts a medical kit on the bed. Piper gets a contraction and she groans.) Breathe deeply… and push.
[Scene: Manor. Piper’s room. Doris covers Piper back up with the blankets.]
Doris: She’s fully effaced and dilated. It won’t be long now.
Piper: You can’t have my baby, I won’t- Aahh!
(Piper screams as she gets another contraction.)
[Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe and Paige walk in from the back door. They hear Piper scream. Phoebe starts to go to her but Paige stops her.]
Paige: No, no, he’s not gonna hurt her while she’s in labour.
Phoebe: Okay, well, what if Leo’s hurt, or dad?
Paige: There’s only one way to save them.
(They head for the basement and Paige grabs a knife on her way past.)
[Cut to the basement. Paige scrapes the knife along the unicorn’s horn and catches the dust in a scooper.]
Paige: A unicorn’s horn is pure concentrated magic. See, I told you all magic wasn’t down.
Phoebe: Okay, how did you know that?
Paige: Because the wizard stole the prophecy from an apothecary, an agent of good magic.
Phoebe: Wait, that would mean that the Elders knew what he wrote. (Phoebe looks at the card around the unicorn’s neck.) Look, the card says “From El”, that’s gotta be for the Elders. They knew magic was going to go down and that we’d be in danger.
Paige: Why didn’t they just tell us?
Phoebe: They tried. Leo got a call from the Elders, remember? And then Piper passed out and we had to take her to the hospital.
Paige: And then they sent us this little present. I guess your magic is no affected by what happens on earth.
[Cut to Piper’s room. Piper is breathing heavily. Doris is wiping her forehead. They hear a neigh.]
Cronyn: What was that?
Doris: The witches?
(The unicorn neighs again. Cronyn grabs a knife.)
Cronyn: (to Doris) You stay here.
Piper: Where is my father? What did you do to him?
Doris: Shh, don’t worry about such things. Child birth is painful enough.
Piper: If you do anything to my baby, I will kill you. I will hunt you and kill you. Even if it means coming back from the dead and don’t think I won’t find a way to do that.
Doris: We’re not going to hurt your baby, Piper. We’re going to raise her as our own. She’s going to be a powerful leader, a great force of evil. You should be proud, very proud.
(Doris turns away and squeezes the cloth into a bowl. Piper reaches over and grabs a vase of flowers off the side table. She smashes it over Doris’ head, knocking her unconscious. Piper gets out of bed.)
[Cut to the basement. Phoebe is pouring the unicorn dust into a satchel. Paige finishes writing a spell.]
Paige: Okay, one vanquish spell.
(They hear creaking floorboards.)
[Cut to the kitchen. Cronyn is there looking around. He sees the basement door open and heads over to it. He is distracted by a loud thud coming from the stairway. He leaves the kitchen and walks over to the stairway. Piper is lying there.]
Cronyn: Stupid witch. You could’ve killed the both of you.
(Doris runs down the stairs holding the back of her head.)
Doris: Ohh, she caught me off guard.
Cronyn: Just get down here.
(Doris walks to the bottom of the stairs. Cronyn goes up to Piper.)
Piper: Get away from me!
Doris: Her contractions are less than a minute apart.
[Cut to the second floor. Victor regains consciousness.]
[Cut back to the stairway.]
Piper: Oh, god, please not now.
(Phoebe and Paige come around the corner.)
Phoebe: Step aside, bitch!
Paige: Yeah, that’s our job.
(Cronyn holds the knife up against Piper’s neck.)
Cronyn: Move, even breathe and she’s dead.
Piper: Vanquish him, Phoebe.
Cronyn: Your sister will die.
Piper: It’s to save the baby.
Paige: Oh my god.
Cronyn: I’m warning you.
Piper: Kill him.
Phoebe: How can I?
Piper: Do it!
Phoebe: But I…
Piper: Phoebe, if you love me, you will send this crazy bastard straight to hell.
(Victor makes his way down the stairs and pounces on Cronyn. With all his strength, he throws Cronyn over the railing. Paige throws a handful of unicorn dust over Cronyn.)
Phoebe: “Beast of legend, myth and lore, give my words the power to soar, and kill this evil evermore.”
(Cronyn and Doris run for the door but are vanquished before they can get there. Stanley, dead in the closet, explodes and disappears.)
Paige: Is everybody okay?
Piper: I feel like I’m dying.
[Time lapse. Phoebe races into the dining room carrying a doctor’s kit.]
Phoebe: Baby’s coming, baby’s coming!
(She puts the bag down and covers the dining room table with a sheet. She gets a couple of pillows and places them on the table. Paige helps Piper up onto the table and she leans back on the pillows.)
Phoebe: Okay, you’re doing great, sweetie. Yes, you are. Let’s see what we have here. (Phoebe pulls up Piper’s nightgown.) Oh! I see a head of dark hair.
(Piper starts to cry.)
Piper: You do?
Paige: What’d you expect? A blonde?
(They laugh. Leo runs in through the front door.)
Leo: What’d I miss?
Piper: A lot!
(Leo runs over to them.)
Paige: Victor needs help. Here, try this.
(Paige throws Leo the satchel of unicorn dust. Leo goes over to Victor.)
Phoebe: Okay, breathe. Keep breathing, keep breathing.
Paige: It’s okay. Breathe, just breathe.
(Leo sprinkles unicorn dust onto Victor’s wound and heals him.)
Phoebe: Very good. Okay, relax, relax, you’re okay.
Victor: Yeah, honey?
Piper: I’m sorry about your demon wife.
Victor: Oh, hush. Don’t think about that.
(Leo walks over to Piper and puts his arm around her.)
Leo: I’m right here, baby.
Phoebe: Okay. You okay? You’re alright. Okay. You’re doing great, you’re doing great. Push, okay? Last push.
Piper: I can’t.
Phoebe: You have to. A big one. Big one! Push!
Leo: You can do it.
Piper: I can’t.
Phoebe: You can, you can.
Paige: Yes, you can.
Phoebe: Okay, push. (Piper pushes.) Push. Come on, push!
(Piper squeezes the edge of the table and pushes. A blue light shines down on them.)
Paige: Oh, I guess magic’s coming back.
Phoebe: Here we go, here we go. (Piper cries.) Oh, I see a shoulder. Oh, and another shoulder. And an arm. (Phoebe helps the baby out.) Oh, and something else, something else. (Phoebe picks up scissors from the medical kit and cuts the umbilical cord. She picks the baby up which is glowing in orbing lights.) Hi, baby. Hi. (She uses a suction and clears the baby’s mouth. The baby cries. Phoebe turns the baby around and shows them.) Look!
(Their eyes widen.)
Paige: Oh. Is that what I think it is?
Phoebe: Uh, if you’re referring to Mr. Winkie between the legs, yes.
Leo: You mean, I got a boy?
Phoebe: Here you go, mama.
(She hands Piper her baby.)
Piper: Hi. Hi, little guy, what are you doing? Look what we did.
Leo: I see.
Paige: It’s a miracle.
Piper: A little miracle.
Phoebe: He’s beautiful.
Piper: You are safe, you are loved, and you are wise. (Piper smiles.) How ya doing?