Hell Hath No Fury

Written by: Krista Vernoff
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick

[Scene: On the road in Piper’s car. Piper, Phoebe and Cole are in it. Cole is driving, Piper’s in the passenger seat, and Phoebe’s in the backseat. The car screeches around the corner.]

Piper: Okay, turn left up here. And can you step on the gas a little?

(Cole screeches around the corner, nearly hitting a taxi. Phoebe lets out a yelp, and the taxi driver honks his horn.

Phoebe: Off the gas! Off the gas!

(She pats him on the shoulder.)

Cole: Does somebody else want to drive here?

Piper: Phoebe, the demon is not waiting around for us to come and vanquish him.

Phoebe: We don’t even know if we have enough power to vanquish him. Scrying for random evil tells us nothing.

Piper: It tells us where the demons are and since we vanquished two already this week, I say it’s working pretty well.

Phoebe: Yeah, thanks to Cole for saving our butts. Two witches and half a demon is not the Power of Three make.

Piper: So what are we supposed to do? Sit around and wait for them to pick us all off? If we weren’t going after them, they’d be coming after us.

Cole: They’re coming after you anyway, Piper. The Source is coming after you.

Phoebe: And we won’t be ready for him because instead of teaching Paige how to be a witch, we’re out hunting for every Tom, Dick and Beelzebub in San Francisco.

Cole: Speaking of, do we have any kind of plan here orů

Piper: The plan is to vanquish the demon.

Cole: Great. Any chance you’ve mastered your powers or are you still freezing and exploding at random?

(Phoebe hits him lightly on the shoulder.)

Piper: Random, but you know what they say, there’s nothing like field practice. Turn here! (Cole screeches around another corner and drives down an alley.) Stop! (Cole slams on the breaks. A bald demon is in the middle of strangling a man. Piper, Phoebe and Cole get out of the car.) Hey! Big scary demon!

(The demon turns around and the man escapes from his grip and runs away. The demon’s eyes glow bright red. Piper uses her power and the demon bloats up. His face turns red.)

Cole: He’s gonna blow!

(Phoebe and Cole quickly jump back in the car and shuts the doors. The demon explodes and green goo splats on the front of the car. Cole turns on the windscreen wipers. Piper walks over to the car and opens the passenger door.)

Piper: Next!

(Piper grins and gets in the car. Phoebe and Cole look at each other, then at Piper, who is still grinning.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is at her desk reading a Witches and Witchcraft book.]

Paige: (in her head) Throughout history, witches have been misunderstood, persecuted and destroyed. The public hanging, drowning, and burning of women suspected of witchcraft is a far more recent chapter of our history then most people realise.

Mr. Cowan: Paige.

(Paige quickly puts down the book and picks up a folder.)

Paige: Yeah?

Mr. Cowan: What’s the hold up on the O’Brien application?

Paige: Well, at the moment, the only hold up is my boss, who’s standing over me distracting me from my work.

(She smiles awkwardly.)

Mr. Cowan: Nice teeth. Have it on my desk by noon.

(He walks away. Paige whispers to an employee standing across the room.)

Paige: Lila! What’s the O’Brien application?

Lila: Adam O’Brien, the foster kid we’re trying to get into the boarding school.

Paige: Oh my god.

Lila: The scholarship application is due, like, today.

Paige: I am so lame. (Billy, a young guy with bad acne, pushes the mail cart in front of Paige’s desk. He puts her mail on her desk.) Aw, Billy, I thought I told you to throw anything from creditors in the trash.

(He smiles. A man (Donnie) approaches him.)

Donnie: Hi, Pizza-face. Look, I understand how difficult it is to tear yourself away from the cleavage in this section. (Looks at Paige.) But I’m gonna need my mail sometime today. Okay?

Billy: No problem.

Donnie: Go, go.

(Billy walks away. Donnie gives Paige a sleazy look and walks across the room.)

Paige: Nice rug.

(Donnie’s toupee orbs off his head and into Paige’s hand, revealing his bald spot.)

Donnie: What the hell?

(Donnie looks around. Paige is shocked and drops the toupee in a trash can. Employees laugh and giggle at Donnie. He covers his head with a sheet of paper and walks away. Paige quickly leaves her desk.)

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Cole are there. Piper crosses out a page in the Book of Shadows while Phoebe looks on.]

Phoebe: Oh, I know that you’re happy that we got him Piper, but is it entirely necessary to disfigure the book?

Piper: Hmm, this one could incinerate human flesh with his eyes. That must sting.

Cole: You think that’s funny? You could have gotten yourself killed. Do you understand that?

(He walks over to Piper.)

Piper: Yes, Cole, I understand killed very well.

Cole: Then why would you want to keep risking your life and Phoebe’s, not to mention mine? There’s a legion of Bounty Hunters on my ass. I’m supposed to be laying low but instead, I’m out protecting you guys.

Piper: You know what, Cole? Next time, you can stay home.

Cole: If you insist on taking these suicide missions, you force me to be there because (the doorbell rings) there’s no way in hell I’m about to let Phoebe lose another sister.

(Phoebe goes over to him and touches his shoulder.)

Phoebe: Why don’t you go see who’s at the door for us, okay?

Cole: Sure. If it’s the Source, I’ll just ask him to come back later. (to Phoebe) We need to talk.

(He leaves the attic.)

Phoebe: Piper, Cole’s right. We have a system for fighting demons and it’s worked pretty well for the last three years.

Piper: I think, uh, Prue being killed counts as a pretty big glitch in the system.

Phoebe: I know that you’re angry. I am angry too.

Piper: Then w-why are you fighting me on this? What-what’s the problem with getting a little proactive?

Phoebe: Because we’re not ready to get proactive. That’s what’s wrong with it. We’re barely ready for anything right now. I mean, just dealing with our everyday normal lives is hard enough.

Piper: That is precisely the point. The faster we get rid of these demons, the faster we can get back to our everyday normal lives or at least what is left of them.

(The attic door opens and Paige walks in.)

Paige: Knock knock. I uhů I’m sorry to just drop by without calling.

Phoebe: Uh, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

Paige: I don’t know exactly why I’m here. I’m just kind of having a hard time being surrounded by people andů

Phoebe: And not being able to tell them that you can move things with your mind?

Paige: It does not exactly roll off the tongue.

(Piper picks up a map and a crystal.)

Phoebe: Yeah, well being a witch is tough on friendships. That’s why the whole sister thing comes in so handy. (to Piper) What are you doing?

Piper: Um, it’s a little chatty up here, so I’m going to go scry for evil in my room.

Paige: Scry?

(Piper heads for the door.)

Piper: Yeah, uh, Phoebe will explain. I’ll see you later.

(She leaves the attic.)

Phoebe: It’s kind of like a, um, supernatural lojack.

Paige: Well, why don’t you use that big book? I mean, it is a book of spells, right?

(Paige walks over to the Book.)

Phoebe: Oh, it’s a lot more than that. It’s kind of hard to explain.

Paige: It looks so old.

Phoebe: Yeah. It has survived a lot. Fortunately, it protects itself from evil.

Paige: It protects itself. How?

Phoebe: Magic.

Paige: May I?

Phoebe: Yeah. I mean technically, it’s yours too. I would walk you through it right now, but I have to go talk to Cole.

Paige: Well, maybe I can just take it back to my office.

Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. It doesn’t leave the house. But just feel free to thumb through it and then I’ll be back in a few minutes.

(Phoebe leaves the attic. Paige flips through the Book and stops at an Instant Karma Spell.)

Paige: This could solve a lot of problems.

(She gets out some Post-its and a pen and starts writing down the spell.)

[Cut to the conservatory. Phoebe and Cole are waiting there. Leo orbs in.]

Leo: What? What is it? What’s wrong?

Cole: You’ve got to talk to your wife.

Phoebe: Okay, Cole, remember what I said about being gentle?

Leo: What about my wife?

Cole: She’s out of control.

Phoebe: Cole!

Leo: What?

Phoebe: It’s just, we’re very worried about her.

Leo: What happened?

Phoebe: She’s very, very angry.

Leo: Well, of course she’s angry. She’s grieving.

Phoebe: Right, and if she were punching walls, I would happily call a repairman, butů

Cole: The problem is she prefers to punch demons.

Leo: Well, I’ll talk to her.

(Cole moves closer to Leo.)

Cole: She has no regard for her life or anyone else’s. She’s Charles Bronson cubed.

Leo: I said I’d talk to her.

(Phoebe stands in between the two.)

Phoebe: Guys, guys. Who is Charles Bronson? (Leo and Cole give her a look.) Never mind. (to Cole) We – can we please just have a minute alone?

Cole: Sure.

Phoebe: Thank you. (Cole leaves the room and Phoebe and Cole walk in the living room.) Uh, it’s not just that she’s violent, Leo. She’s acting nothing like herself. She’s completely dismissive of Paige and I don’t know what to do anymore.

(They sit on the couch.)

Leo: Strange isn’t it? Now on top of everything else, you have to play the middle sister when you’ve always been the, uhů

Phoebe: Screw up?

(Leo laughs.)

Leo: The youngest.

Phoebe: Yeah. I look at Paige and Piper and it makes me think back to all those times that Piper had to play mediator between me and Prue.

Leo: Not a lot of fun, huh?

Phoebe: It’s not a job I would have asked for. And I’m not sure it’s a job I’m going to be any good at, but I just, I don’t have time to really worry about it right now.

Leo: I’ll talk to her.

Phoebe: Thanks Leo. (They hug.) And not to worse this tender moment, but she’s already started scrying. (Leo orbs out and Phoebe falls head first on the couch.) I didn’t mean you couldn’t use the stairs!

[Cut back to the attic. Paige has Post-its stuck over the Book Of Shadows. She runs out of Post-its and looks around. She gets an idea, closes the Book and carries it to the window.]

Paige: Okay, book, protect yourself. (Paige opens the window and drops the Book of Shadows out. It lands on the grass.)

Phoebe: (from downstairs) Paige! I’ll be right up! (She heads for the door.)

[Cut to the stairs. Phoebe’s nearly to the top and Paige comes around the corner nearly bumping into Phoebe.]

Phoebe: Whoa! (She giggles.) Where’s the fire?

(They walk downstairs.)

Paige: Uh, you know, work. Lunch break’s over. Gotta go.

Phoebe: Well, we didn’t even get to talk.

Paige: Uh, yeah, it’s alright. Don’t worry.

Phoebe: Will you come by later?

Paige: Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Bye. (She waves and leaves.)

Phoebe: Bye.

(Phoebe looks suspiciously up the stairs.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Piper’s room. Piper and Leo are there. Piper is scrying.]

Leo: Look, honey, it isn’t just that it’s dangerous.

Piper: Leo, Whitelighters are supposed to guide. Not judge. Just because I’m doing things a little bit differently doesn’t mean that there is a problem.

(She drops the crystal.)

Leo: Piper, I’m your husband, not just you’re Whitelighter. When you speak to me like that, there is a problem. I can’t help you unless you talk to me.

Piper: It hurts to talk, Leo. It hurts to breathe. So unless you have some idea of how to bring Prue back, I don’t want to talk right now.

Leo: Is that what you don’t want to say? Is that you still blame me for not being able to bring her back?

Piper: No, Leo. I don’t blame you. I blame evil. Why-why do you think I’m doing all this? For kicks?

Leo: Honestly, I think you’re doing it because it’s easier than confronting what you’re really feeling.

(Piper starts scrying again and the crystal points to a place on the map.)

Piper: Demon.

Leo: What?

Piper: I have work to do. (She walks out of her room.) Cole, Phoebe! Let’s go!

[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige is in the copy room trying to copy the Book of Shadows. Donnie walks in, checks out Paige’s butt and fixes his toupee.] 

Donnie: Nothing like a copy room with a view. (He pours himself some coffee. Paige straightens up. Billy walks in.) Hey Clearasil, what’s popping?

(Donnie laughs and leaves the room.)

Paige: Don’t worry about him, Billy. He’s a jerk to everybody.

Billy: Yeah, I know. That’s why his mail gets lostů frequently. (Paige smiles.)

Paige: Hey, is there something wrong with this copier?

Billy: The copier? I don’t think so. I just ran off a whole bunch.

Paige: Everything keeps coming up blank.

Billy: Are you trying to copy a book?

(She pushes the lid of the copier down trying to hide it.)

Paige: Nah, it’s nothing. It’s cool.

Billy: Well, if you need me to do it for you, just say the word.

Paige: Thanks. You’re sweet. (He smiles shyly and pours some coffee. Paige turns over the Book of Shadows and reads a Vanishing Spell.) “Let the object of objection become but a dream, as I cause the seen to be unseen.” (Billy groans and magical light surrounds his face.) You okay, Billy?

Billy: Yeah. I just, uh, got a little head rush.

(He turns around to face Paige and she sees that his acne has cleared up.)

Paige: Oh my God, it worked. (She closes the Book.) Oh my god.

(She picks up the Book and goes over to Billy.)

Billy: Paige, is, uh, everything okay?

Paige: It will be from now on.

(She kisses him on the cheek and leaves. Billy smiles.)

[Scene: Alley. Piper, Phoebe and Cole are walking down it.]

Phoebe: Piper, Cole and I do not support you in this. If you insist on doing it, you are going in alone.

Piper: Okay. I’ll see you at home.

Phoebe: (to Cole) I told you that wouldn’t work.

Cole: It was worth a shot.

Phoebe: Wait a minute. Do you smell smoke?

(They stop walking.)

Piper: It’s in there.

(Piper points to a large wooden door. There is smoke rising out from under it.)

Man: (from inside) What is that? What is it? Stop! Stop! (Cole walks over to the door.) Who is th- What are you?

Piper: Get back, I’ll blow it up. Go on.

(Cole backs away from the door and Piper freezes Cole and the smoke.)

Phoebe: Uh, Piperů

Piper: Yeah, yeah. Crap. Okay.

(Piper takes off her coat and throws it on the ground. She wiggles her arms to relax herself then uses her power. The door blows up, sending Cole flying across the alley, landing on a car and falling off on the ground.)

Phoebe: Piper!

(She runs over to Cole.)

Piper: What? Oh!

(A man runs outside, knocking Piper over. Three furies follow. Phoebe helps Cole up. Piper gets ready to use her power.)

Cole: Piper, let them go!

(Piper blows up a car in front of the furies. They turn around.)

Piper: Uh-oh. (Piper tries to freeze them but only freezes Cole.) They’re-they’re-th-th-they’re immune to my powers.

Phoebe: Unfortunately, Cole isn’t. (A fury attacks Piper but she dodges their hits. Another goes for Phoebe. Piper picks up a trash can lid and the fury puts a hole in it. Phoebe levitates up and kicks the furies, knocking them to the ground.) Piper, unfreeze him.

Piper: What if I blow him up?

(Cole unfreezes. A fury knocks down Piper and blows smoke in her mouth. She coughs.)

Phoebe: Cole!

(Cole throws an energy ball at a fury and she is engulfed in flames. The other two furies disappear. Piper continues to cough.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe and Cole enter the house.]

Piper: I’m gonna take out those chain smokin’ bitches if it’s the last thing I do.

Cole: It might be the last thing you do.

Piper: That’s very supportive, Cole. Who’s side are you on? 

Cole: At the moment, I’m on Phoebe’s side.

(Piper coughs. Phoebe and Cole follow her into the kitchen.)

Piper: Well, the last time I checked, Phoebe was still my sister. Which technically puts her on my side. Why are we arguing?

Phoebe: We’re not arguing, we’re discussing, Piper. You are arguing. And look, you’re already hurt.

Piper: I’m fine. (Piper takes a water bottle out of the fridge and has a sip.)

Phoebe: You can’t stop coughing.

Cole: And your control of your powers seems to be getting worse, not better.

(They walk out of the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Oh, well, our powers are tied to our emotions, so it would make sense that they would be a little off right now.

Cole: All the more reason to lay low. These demons are dangerous.

Piper: All the more reason to vanquish them, okay? That is what we do – eliminate evil.

(They stop at the bottom of the stairs.)

Cole: Regardless of the consequence, you sound like Prue.

Piper: Okay, Cole. I’m going to vanquish the cancer girls with or without your help. So either tell me what you know or get out of the way.

(Cole looks at Phoebe. She shrugs her shoulders.)

Cole: They’re called furies.

Piper: Like from mythology?

Phoebe: The dog-faced women from hell?

Cole: They’re modern knockoffs. Their MO is the same though.

Piper: They punish evil doers.

Cole: Exactly.

Phoebe: Wait. Wouldn’t that make them good?

Cole: Well, these furies have no temptress. They’ll go after a shoplifter as soon as a murderer and they take great pleasure in the kill.

Piper: Great. Then we’ll take great pleasure in the vanquish.

(Piper goes up the stairs  Phoebe stands in front of Cole.)

Phoebe: What aren’t you telling us? (Cole sighs.) So they go after evil doers. Have they attacked you before?

Cole: When they focus their thoughts on you, they force you to hear the cries of all your former victims.

(Phoebe touches his face.)

Phoebe: You’re not the demon who did those things anymore.

(Piper screams from upstairs. Phoebe and Cole go up the stairs.)

[Cut to attic. Piper is standing in front of the empty Book of Shadows stand, mouth open in shock.]

Piper: Evil got the Book of Shadows. How did evil get the Book of Shadows?

Phoebe: Oh no. 

Piper: Oh no, Phoebe? A demon has the Book of Shadows. Oh no doesn’t quite cover it.

Cole: Let me go see what I can find out. (He turns to leave but Phoebe stops him.)

Phoebe: No, wait. Uh, Piper, promise me you’re not going to overreact.

Piper: Is that even possible?

Phoebe: I think that, uh, maybeů well, it-it might-might be feasible that uh, Paige borrowed the book.

Piper: Wait, why-why would you think that?

Phoebe: See? Now this is what I meant about overreacting. It’s just thatů

Cole: You let Paige take the Book of Shadows out of the Manor?

Phoebe: Well, no, I did not let her. It’s just she left pretty quick, and she looks like she might haveů

(She looks at the open window.)

Piper: Out of the window?

Phoebe: Piper, I don’tů

Piper: Phoebe, why would you even leave her alone with it? 

Phoebe: Well, because she’s our sister.

(Piper laughs.)

Piper: Not for long!

(Piper storms out of the attic. Phoebe follows. Cole pulls up a chair and sits down. Phoebe runs back in.)

Phoebe: Are you coming?

Cole: To vanquish your sister? I think I’ll sit this one out.

(Phoebe runs back out and Cole sits there twiddling his thumbs.)

[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Lila is looking at Billy’s face.]

Lila: It’s unbelievable.

Billy: Maybe it was the light from the copy machine.

(They start to walk through the office. Billy is pushing the mail cart.)

Lila: God, this day is amazing. I mean, you went and got cuteů

Billy: You think?

Lila: Totally. And then my car loan comes through like out of nowhere. (They pass Paige’s desk. Paige is on the phone and she smiles.) My credit is worse than Paige’s. You know, I still can’t believe all of this.

Billy: It’s amazing.

(Billy and Lila walk away.)

Paige: (on phone) Sir, I am taking full responsibility for being late with the application. I’m simply asking for a deadline extension.

Man: (on phone) Well, I can’t give you a deadline extension.

Paige: Well I’m asking that you not punish Adam O’Brien who’s already had a tough enough life for my mistake. (listens) Sir, all I’m saying isů (She looks down at the Book of Shadows which is sitting on her lap.) “These words will travel through the minds of stubborn parties and unbind, the thoughts too ridged to be kind, a compromise they’ll disentwine.” 

Man: (on phone) How does six o’clock on Friday sound?

Paige: Six o’clock Friday is perfect. Thank you so much. (She hangs up.) Victory! (Lila and Billy look over at her.)

Lila: You got the extension?

Paige: Yeah.

(Lila walks over to Paige.)

Lila: Unbelievable. You’re into all that witchy stuff, right?

Paige: Excuse me?

Lila: Well, I’m just thinking there must be something in the stars today. I mean, Billy’s face, my car, now this. Is there a full moon or something?

Paige: I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m going to call my student loan sharks and take full advantage of it.

Lila: Ooh, good. Me too.

(Paige laughs. Lila walks away. Donnie comes up to her and stands behind her.)

Donnie: You know, Paige? (He talks in her ear.) As a lawyer, I can get those nasty creditors off your back so easily. And if you can’t afford to pay me, we could always just take it out in trade.

Paige: Or I could just sue your ass for sexual harassment and pay you with my big fat punitive settlement.

Donnie: The way you dress, the judge would admire my restraint. (He walks away.)

Paige: That’s it. (She finds the Instant Karma Spell in the Book of Shadows.) Perfect. I’ll just change demon to dirtbag. 

[Cut to outside SBSS. Piper and Phoebe get out of the car and walk towards the building.]

Piper: I don’t understand how someone can be that stupid.

Phoebe: I don’t understand why you haven’t stopped ranting since we left the house.

Piper: You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry.

Phoebe: Yes, Paige made a mistake.

Piper: A mistake? She stole from us.

Phoebe: She borrowed. Borrowed.

Piper: She-she threw our family heritage out of the window!

Phoebe: Well, that’s because we never took the time to explain its significance. It was just a book to her.

Piper: Okay, Phoebe, it is not just a book. It’s like, it-it-it is like a part of our family.

(Piper coughs. Phoebe puts her arm around Piper.)

Phoebe: Paige is not a killer. She didn’t kill anyone. And she’s not a demon that we’re on our way to vanquish.

Piper: I get that Phoebe.

Phoebe: Do you? Because I don’t think that you do. (Piper coughs.) You alright?

(Donnie runs out of the building with a bunch of women following him.)

Donnie: Hey! Hey! Get away from me! (They surround him.)

Piper: What the hell is going on?

Lila: Come on. Give Mama some sugar.

(He sinks to the ground and they fall all over him. Paige comes out of the building holding her bag so it covers her chest. She goes over to Piper and Phoebe.)

Piper: You are soů (They notice something wrong and opens her coat to reveal her very large breasts.) Busted?

Phoebe: Hello!

Piper: You stole our sacred book so you could perform magical plastic surgery on yourself?

Paige: You think I did this on purpose? My body was perfectly fine just as it was. Thank you.

Donnie: I mean it! Get away from me! (Piper freezes the crowd.)

Phoebe: Piper, you could have just blown up a dozen innocent people.

Piper: I took a chance.

Phoebe: See? Are you listening to yourself?

Piper: (to Paige) What happened?

Paige: I don’t know. They justů grew.

Piper: Oh, right. And you had nothing to do with that.

Phoebe: Did you cast any spells?

Paige: One. (Phoebe gives her a look.) Five.

Piper: Five?

Phoebe: Okay, what did you do just before you turned into Betty Boop?

Paige: Well, I cast a spell on this slimeball I work with so I could give him a taste of his own medicine. 

Phoebe: Uh-huh. That the slimeball?

(Paige looks at Donnie and nods.)

Piper: And that’s the backfire.

Paige: Backfire?

Phoebe: You misused magic to make him the object of ogling, and the spell backfired and did the same thing to you.

Piper: Which you would have learned if you had bothered to ask. But now instead of vanquishing demons, we’re gonna have to spend the afternoon fixing your mess.

Phoebe: Okay, Piper, call Leo and get him to orb this slimeball back home. And we have to protect him until we can figure out a way to reverse the spell. Paige and I will grab the book and meet you there.

(Piper looks at Paige and shakes her head. She walks away. Paige looks down at her breasts.)

[Time lapse. Phoebe and Paige are driving along the road in Paige’s car. Paige is driving and Phoebe’s sitting in the passenger seat looking through the Book of Shadows.]

Paige: Are my boobs gonna stay this way forever?

Phoebe: Not if I can ever find the spell.

Paige: What about Piper? Is she gonna stay mad at me forever?

Phoebe: No. It’s just, umů she hasn’t really been herself lately. You know, a lot of ups and downs since Prue, you know, like us all.

Paige: The last thing I wanted to do was add to you guys stress. I just wanted to get back at Donnie.

Phoebe: Yeah, and I understand the temptation, Paige, I really do. But I told you the book does not leave the house.

Paige: Right. Sorry. (She tries to change into third gear but has a little trouble.) My boobs are in the way. Can you put it into third for me?

Phoebe: Alright. Ready? Here we go. (Phoebe moves the gearstick into third. The tyres screech.) Alright.

Paige: Did you find the spell yet? (Phoebe finds a page about furies.)

Phoebe: No, but I found the demons. Oh my God.

Paige: What? You can’t say demons followed by ‘oh my god’. I’m new at this, I’m likely to panic.

Phoebe: Okay, uh, fury smoke kills bad guys, right? But in good people, it looks for a portal of unexpressed fury.

Paige: And?

Phoebe: It builds until it consumes your humanity and it turns you into a fury. Um, we fought the furies today. Piper got smoked.

Paige: Wait. Are you saying that Piper’s turning into a demon?

Phoebe: It wouldn’t be the first time. (Paige gives her a funny look.) Uh, step on it and hit the clutch. I’m going into fourth. Ready? On three. One, two, three. (She changes to fourth.)

[Cut to the manor. Donnie lands on the couch.]

Leo: Easy, Piper.

Piper: What, are you protecting him now?

Donnie: Wh-wh-what the hell is going on? And what’s with the chicks? They’ve gone crazy.

Piper: This chick just saved your ass you snivelling ingrate. (Donnie gets up.)

Donnie: Do you see what I mean? 

Piper: Who said you could get up? (She pushes him over the back of the couch.)

Leo: What’s the matter with you? Okay, honey look, I don’t know what’s going on, but we really need to talk.

Piper: Leo, you know what? I’m sick of talking.

(Piper tries to blow Leo up but Leo orbs out in time. Piper goes over to Donnie. Leo orbs back in.)

Leo: Now we really need to talk. Piper, you do not use your powers on a mortal. (He stands behind her.) Do you hear me?

(Cole stands at the doorway.)

Cole: Back away slowly, Leo.

Leo: What?

Cole: She’s becoming a fury. (Piper grows large black fingernails.) There’s no reasoning with her now. (Leo stands in front of her.)

Leo: Piper, you’re a good witch. Do you hear me? Fight this.

(Piper touches his face, then pushes him over the couch.)

Donnie: Oh God! Help!

(Piper goes over and scratches Donnie. Cole gets an energy ball ready. Piper picks up Donnie and blows smoke. Cole throws an energy ball at Piper which pushes her back. Phoebe and Paige walk in.)

Phoebe: Cole!

Cole: I, wellů

Piper: That wasn’t very nice. (She disappears.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is looking through the Book of Shadows, and Leo is kneeling beside Donnie, who is asleep on the couch.]

Leo: Cole hit her with an energy ball.

Phoebe: Leo, it was a low voltage. Would you prefer he’d let her kill an innocent?

Leo: I’d prefer that he wouldn’t use his demonic powers on my wife. I can’t believe that you let him go look for her.

Paige: Oh, this all my fault. I shouldn’t have stolen the Book of Shadows. 

Leo: You stole the Book of Shadows?

Phoebe: Leo, Leo. Concentrate please. (Leo heals Donnie’s scratches.) I just hope he finds her fast because if this is anything like the time I turned into a Banshee, she’s gonna be hungry for a kill. (Leo stands up.)

Paige: I’m sorry. A Banshee?

Phoebe: Yeah. Demonic screamer, kinda trampy, feeds on pain.

Paige: I think I need to sit down.

(She sits on the couch next to Donnie. Donnie wakes up and sits up and stares straight at Paige’s breasts.)

Donnie: Whoa.

(Paige punches him in the face, knocking him out.)

Leo: Paige!

(Paige stands up.)

Paige: What? You only said I couldn’t use magic to punish him.

(Phoebe stands up.)

Phoebe: Okay, Leo, you orb Donnie back to his office, heal him there, then make sure he doesn’t nark us out for being witches.

Leo: How?

Phoebe: I don’t know. Be creative.

Leo: What about Piper?

Phoebe: You have to do your job. And let us do ours. We’ll get your wife back. I promise.

(Leo touches Donnie and they orb out. Phoebe and Paige sit on the couch.)

Paige: Um, I hate to ask, but how are we going to get his wife back? I mean, she’s kind of aů full on demon.

Phoebe: No. She’s not full on. She doesn’t have the talons yet. That probably comes with the first kill. Besides, if we were able to save her when she turned into a Wendigoů

Paige: A Wendi-what?

Phoebe: Um, a Wendigo. It’s kind of like a werewolf, only meaner. (She finds the Instant Karma Spell in the Book of Shadows.) Is this the spell that you used?

Paige: Uh-huh. (Phoebe picks up a notepad and pen.) Is there some sort of spell I could do, you know, in advance so I could, uh, not become maybe a Banshee orů

Phoebe: What word did you sub demon with?

Paige: Dirtbag.

Phoebe: Dirtbag. (She writes something down and scrunches up the paper up. She stands up.) Okay. (She gets Paige to stand up.) Hand. (They join hands. Phoebe burns the tip of the paper with a lit candle.) “Guided spirits, hear our plea, annul this magic, let it be.”

Paige: Please let it be. (Paige’s breasts return to normal size. She looks down and groans.) Do you think it worked a little too well?

[Scene: Alley. A man pushes another man against the wall. He holds a knife to his throat.]

Innocenet man: Anything you want.

Man: Shut up.

(Two furies come up behind him and one scratches his back. He spins around and the innocent runs away. The man hears voices in his head. He drops the knife and falls to his knees. The fury blows smoke in his mouth. He coughs and is engulfed in flames. He disappears. Piper appears in a puff of smoke behind them. They turn around and make purring-like noises.)

Piper: I’ve been looking for you.

[Cut to the manor. Dining room. Paige and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is scrying.]

Phoebe: Damn it.

Paige: Why isn’t it working?

Phoebe: Because Piper isn’t a witch anymore.

Paige: Can’t you just scry for evil then?

Phoebe: Do you have any idea how much evil is running around San Francisco? (She stops scrying.) Damn it, Piper. (Cole shimmers in. He is bruised and scratched.) Cole. Thank God. (Phoebe hugs him.)

Cole: Don’t thank me yet.

Paige: You didn’t find her?

Cole: I didn’t get a chance to look. Every time I used my sensing powers, a bounty hunter sensed me. I fought off three of them. (He sits down at the table.) I’m sorry.

Phoebe: No, it’s-it’s okay. I mean, somehow everything’s gonna be okay. I-I don’t have even a little idea of how everything’s gonna be okay.

Paige: Phoebe…

Phoebe: You know why? Because nothing is okay.

Paige: Phoebe.

Phoebe: My sister is a fury, my boyfriend is a demon… Oh baby, you’re bleeding. (She kneels down next to Cole.)

Paige: Phoebe. (Phoebe looks at her.) Didn’t you say you found me because Piper cast a spell to find a lost witch?

Phoebe: Yes, but I also said that Piper’s not a witch anymore.

Paige: Yes, but if I can substitute the word ‘dirtbag’ for ‘demon’, why can’t we substitute the word ‘sister’ for ‘witch’?

Cole: Will that work?

Phoebe: Well, n-no. Not if she’s already looking for a kill. The call won’t be strong enough.

Paige: Why not?

Phoebe: Because of the pull of evil. When I was possessed by the Woogie, the blood lust was so strongů

Cole: Woogie?

Paige: Don’t ask.

Phoebe: The point isů I don’t think she’ll answer the call.


Paige: Then we’ll add bait.

(Paige glances at Cole, then looks at Phoebe. Phoebe looks at Cole and he looks back.)

Phoebe: No. No. Uh, no. Are you kidding me? No.

Paige: The furies go after evil doers, right?

Phoebe: Paige, we are not using the love of my life as bait.

Cole: Oh, yes we are. It’s perfect.

(He stands up and goes near Paige.)

Phoebe: Cole, you have been a demon for over a century. That is a lot of victims. The pain of their cries alone can kill you.

Cole: Yes, but as you said, I’m not the demon that did those things anymore. And if facing my crimes helps save your sisterů

Phoebe: Cole, Iů

Cole: Phoebe. (He sits back down next to her.) I would do almost anything for you, you know that. But I will not be a coward for you. Please don’t ask me to be. (Phoebe touches his face.)

Phoebe: We’ll need some of your blood.

Cole: Right.

Paige: Knife. (A knife orbs from the table and into Paige’s hand. She holds it out in front of Cole.)

[Time lapse. Phoebe and Paige are standing at the table. Phoebe is holding a knife above a lit candle.]

Phoebe/Paige: “Power of the sisters rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near…”

[Cut to the alley. The furies are touching Piper’s hair. Piper is wearing fury clothes and has talons on her face. She hears Phoebe and Paige chanting.]

Phoebe/Paige: “Come to us and settle here. Blood to blood, I summon thee, blood to blood, return to me.”

Piper: I know where evil dwells.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Phoebe, Paige and Cole are there. Cole is pacing.]

Phoebe: Are you sure about this?

Cole: I’m good at a lot of things. Waiting is not one of them.

(Paige makes a noise and throws her arms down.)

Phoebe: Honey, what are you doing?

Paige: I’m trying to do that orb thingy. I can’t seem to get the hang of it though. (Cole yells in her face and she orbs in and out.) What happened?

Phoebe: You orbed.

Paige: I did?

Cole: It’s a fear response.

Phoebe: So until you learn how to control it, you just have toů

Paige: Get scared?

Phoebe: Pretty much.

Paige: Alright. Well, that shouldn’t be too difficult.

Phoebe: Good. Then we will orb, we will levitate, we will juggle knives if we have to, just to keep the furies distracted from Cole.

Paige: Okay, but what I don’t get is how we un-demon Piper when she gets here.

Phoebe: Well, we have to close the portal of unexpressed fury.

Cole: Unexpressed? I think she’s been raging for days.

Phoebe: That’s ’cause there’s something she’s not saying.

Paige: Which is?

Phoebe: I don’t know, but I think I have an idea. (Cole yells out in pain and drops to his knees. He hears voices. Phoebe kneels beside him.) They’re close? (Paige gets scared and orbs out. Phoebe stands up.) Paige? (Paige orbs back in.)

Paige: I did it again.

Cole: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

(A fury barges in through the front door. Phoebe levitates and kicks her, knocking her down. She gets up and attacks Phoebe. Phoebe blocks and kicks her back down. Piper and the other fury appear behind Phoebe near Cole. Phoebe spins around.) 

Paige: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Nice decoy, Piper. Two points. (She levitates and kicks them both, knocking them down. She sees Cole lying on the floor.) Cole. Come on. Come on. (She tries to get him up. The furies surround them.)

Paige: Lamp! (The lamp orbs out and it flies across the room hitting a fury. The furies turn around.) Sorry. (The furies go over to her.) Really sorry.

(Cole throws an energy ball at the two furies and kills them. Piper pushes Phoebe out of the way and scratches Cole’s chest.)

Phoebe: Cole is not your problem, Piper, and you know it.

(Piper attacks Phoebe and Phoebe blocks her hits.)

Paige: Book! (The Book of Shadows orbs to her. She starts flipping through it.) Please let there be something in here.

(Phoebe kicks Piper down. Cole gets an energy ball ready.)

Phoebe: Cole, don’t! (He stops the energy ball.) You think I abandoned you. You think it’s my fault that Prue died. You blame me. You should just admit it.

(Piper sends Phoebe flying straight into a cabinet, smashing it. Piper goes over to Paige.)

Paige: You don’t want to kill me, Piper, you don’t even know me. (Cole goes over to Phoebe.) It’s not about me. It’s not about Phoebe, is it?

Phoebe: Leo! (Leo orbs in. Piper tries to scratch Paige, but she orbs out and back in behind Piper. Piper spins around.)

Paige: Phoebe’s not the sister who abandoned you. It’s Prue, isn’t it? (Piper grabs Paige by the neck.)

Phoebe: Leo, do something.

(Leo grabs Piper and Paige and orbs out.)

Cole: Where’d he take them?

Phoebe: To what Piper’s really angry at.

[Cut to a monastery. Leo orbs in with Piper and Paige. Piper backs away when she sees Prue’s plaque.]

Paige: Tell her, Piper. It’s alright to hate her. (Piper tries to get out but the doors are locked.) You should hate her. When my parents died, I hated them for it. I was alone, and I hated them. It is okay to hate Prue.

(Piper looks at Paige.)

Piper: How dare you! (She runs over to Prue’s plaque and bangs on it.) How dare you leave me! How could you go and die and leave me here all alone? Please come back. I need you. (She starts to cry.) Please come back.

(She screams and sinks down on the ground. She sits there and bawls. She changes back to normal. Leo kneels down beside her.)

Leo: It’s okay. It’s okay, honey.

Piper: It’s not okay. She risked her life everyday and she never thought about what would happen to me and Phoebe if she was gone. (Paige starts to cry for the sister she never knew.)

Leo: I know.

Piper: How did she think that I could live without her?

(Leo hugs her. Tears well up in Paige’s eyes as she looks at Prue’s plaque.)

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. The next morning. Piper is there pouring two cups of coffee. Phoebe comes in and sits on a stool. Piper hands her a cup of coffee.]

Phoebe: Did you sleep?

Piper: Yeah, actually, better than I have in a while.

Phoebe: Mmm. It’s quite, isn’t it? Early and late. It’s just really, really quite.

Piper: Prue was always the first one up, and the last one down. It’s strange, the things that you miss. So, how scary was I?

(Phoebe laughs. Piper sits next to her.)

Phoebe: Heck, I’ve seen worse. I’ve been worse. But uh, but Paigeů

Piper: She completely freaked.

Phoebe: No, uh, she handled itů better than most people would, I think. She saved your life. She definitely is a Halliwell, last name or no.

Piper: I know I haven’t been the most welcoming. I justů I miss Prue so much. It’s hard to imagine opening up to someone else. With everything that happens in our lives, love just feels like an invitation for more pain.

Phoebe: So maybe, umů maybe you don’t start with love. Maybe you just start with thanks.

Commercial Break

[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Piper walks in holding a basket of muffins. She spots Paige at her desk and walks over to her. She puts the basket on her desk. Paige looks up at her, surprised. She looks in the basket.]

Paige: Muffins. Thanks.

Piper: Busy work. I’m best in the kitchen. Prue was the one that liked to, uh, chase demons. (Paige sees Donnie.)

Paige: Man, he’s like a whole new Donnie. What did Leo say to him?

(Piper looks over at Donnie. He smiles and walks past them.)

Piper: Um, I don’t know. He’s a miracle worker, that husband of mine.

Paige: So, how are you?

Piper: I’ve had, uhů bad hours. (She sits down.) And hours that aren’t quite so bad. I guess you know how it is.

Paige: Yeah. When my parents died, there were some days I didn’t think I’d survive the sadness. It’ll never be okay that she’s gone, Piper. But I promise, it will get better. (Piper sees scratches on Paige’s neck.)

Piper: You know, Leo could fix that for you.

Paige: It’s my first war wound. I think I’ll wear it with pride.

Piper: Unfortunately in this family, it will not be the last.

Paige: Well, every family has its pros and it’s cons. A couple of demon battles in exchange for the power to clear up my friend’s skin? I’d say it’s worth it.

Piper: The power to what? (They see Lila and Billy chatting across the room. Lila flirts a little.)

Paige: He’s cute, isn’t he? Well, you should have seen him yesterday. (Paige laughs.)

Piper: Okay, uh, you saved my life, so I guess we’re even on the Book of Shadows swipe, but, um, Paige, there are rules to being a witch, rules that you will have to learn and follow.

Paige: Well, not to be difficult, butů you’re married to our Whitelighter and Phoebe’s shacking up with a demon. So, on balance, maybe my friend could stay cute?

Piper: Okay. (Mr. Cowan comes up to them.) 

Mr. Cowan: My, my, my. That pile looks about the same size as it did about an hour ago. (Piper stands up.)

Piper: Oh, that was my fault. I distracted her with muffins.

Mr. Cowan: And you are?

(Piper looks at Paige then back at Mr. Cowan.)

Piper: I’m her sister.

(Piper smiles at Paige and leaves the office. Paige smiles a little to herself.)