Written by: Curtis Kheel
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 5, Episode 17
Episode Number: 105
[Scene: P3. Phoebe is on a date with a guy. A waitress brings Phoebe over a drink.]
Phoebe: Thanks, Susie.
(The waitress walks away.)
Guy: You’ve never done this before, have you? Online dating, I mean.
Phoebe: Oh, no, I have, I have, a couple of times. It’s just, it’s not my favourite way to meet people.
Guy: Really? Why not?
Phoebe: Oh, I don’t know, it’s very impersonal, you know, too planned.
Guy: Well, I have to say I’ve met quite a few interesting women online.
Phoebe: Really? (She gets a notepad and pen out of her handbag.) Um, more interesting than you tend to meet in person?
Guy: What’s this?
Phoebe: Oh, I’m doing an article on internet dating.
Guy: Wait, your profile said you were looking for romance.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, it did and I kinda am… it’s just my new boss put me up to this, I didn’t really wanna do it. I’m sorry, are you mad?
Guy: No, no, not at all. I still have high hopes for this evening. (He touches her hand and she gasps as she receives a premonition.) Are you alright?
Phoebe: Uh, yeah, it’s just the hiccups. (She fakes a hiccup.) You wait right here.
(Phoebe gets up and walks over to the bar where Piper is talking on the phone.)
Piper: (on phone) No, no, no. Pat Benatar cannot cancel on me, I won’t be able to replace her by this weekend.
Piper: Look, I know I didn’t call to confirm but I was busy creating life, okay? Look, just let me talk to Pat. I know she’d understand, really. Hello? He hung up on me that little cretin.
Phoebe: My date is a demon.
Piper: Huh? What? (She looks at the guy.) That guy? But he’s so hot.
Phoebe: Yeah, hot as in flames of hell hot. I had a premonition, he devours his victims, I’m next, freeze the room.
Piper: Ugh, my sister the demon magnet.
(She freezes the room but the guy doesn’t freeze. He looks around.)
Guy: Witches. Damn it.
(Piper blows him up.)
Phoebe: Thank you.
Piper: Mm-hm. (She unfreezes the room.) Now if you don’t mind, I have to get back to going bankrupt. Actually, scratch that. I have to get back to fighting with my husband.
Phoebe: Oh, another fight?
Piper: Yeah, well, you know, new parents, two career couple, that kind of stuff. We’ll figure it out. (She picks up her handbag.) Now, are you gonna come home with me or are you gonna try and salvage this evening.
Phoebe: No, I think my luck has run out.
(Phoebe grabs her handbag and follows Piper out.)
[Scene: Outside a Cafe. A busker is there playing the guitar and singing.]
Busker: “Greensleeves was my heart of gold / And who but my lady greensleeves / Yeah, who but my lady greensleeves / Alas, my love, you do…” (A man in a suit walks past him.) A little down on my luck, sir. Could you spare some change? (The man ignores him and keeps walking. A leprechaun appears behind a bush.) God bless you. “Greensleeves was all my joy…”
(The leprechaun holds out his hand and gold nugget sits in it.)
Leprechaun: Slainte is tainte. (The nugget glows and a stream of light hits the busker. There’s a gust of wind and it slams his guitar case shut. The busker stops singing. The wind blows a sheet of newspaper across the sidewalk, revealing a money note under it. The busker goes over and picks the $50 note up. The leprechaun smiles and leaves down the sidewalk in a blur. Saleel, a demon, stands in the middle of the sidewalk and the leprechaun smacks into him, falling backwards on the ground. The leprechaun gets up.) Begging your pardon, sir. I meant no disrespect. I’ll just be on me way.
(He steps forward and Saleel grabs him around the neck. The leprechaun drops his walking stick.)
Saleel: You know what I hate most about leprechauns? You’re all cowards. You don’t deserve your gift, and it’ll be my pleasure to take it from every last one of you. (Saleel squeezes the leprechaun’s neck and he bursts into gold dust and disappears.) (Irish accent) Tough break, paddy. (Saleel picks up the walking stick and chants and spell. A rainbow appears in front of him and he steps into it. The rainbow disappears, taking Saleel with it.)
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Phoebe and Wyatt are there. Piper is heating up baby bottles of milk on the stove. Phoebe is looking in on Wyatt in his bassinet.]
Phoebe: You’re just the cutest little wiccan thing I ever did see. Yes you are.
(Piper pulls a bottle out of the saucepan. Phoebe’s pager beeps.)
Piper: Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot! Leo! (Phoebe checks her pager.) Freakin’ ever useless Elders. What is taking them so long? (Phoebe giggles.) What? What’d he do? What’d I miss?
Phoebe: Oh, no, it’s not Wyatt. It’s a poem that this guy, at least I hope it’s a guy, just emailed me.
Piper: I thought you didn’t like the online dating thing?
Phoebe: Oh, believe me, I don’t.
Piper: I’m confused. Okay, look, I can schedule in five minutes for a sisterly chat but then I gotta go.
Phoebe: I cannot schedule in a sisterly chat.
Piper: I’m telling you. You’ve got four minutes and fifty-five seconds.
(Paige walks in carrying an empty laundry basket.)
Piper: Uh, perfect timing, we were just chatting. Anything you need to talk about?
Paige: No, I’m good.
(Paige walks into the laundry.)
Piper: Good, more time for you. Shoot.
Phoebe: No, I don’t need to talk. It’s not like I have any desire to go meet this cyrano73. It’s just research for that stupid article Jason made me do.
Piper: Ah, you said his name without swearing. Does that mean things are going better at work?
Phoebe: Oh, no, he’s still driving me crazy.
Piper: Didn’t he just give you a raise?
Phoebe: Yeah, but that was just a bribe so I wouldn’t quit.
Piper: Ah, a woman of principles. I admire that.
Phoebe: Mm-hm. Gotta go.
(Phoebe walks over to Wyatt. Paige comes out of the laundry holding a tiny sweater.)
Paige: Oh, no, damn it, what happened?
Phoebe: (to Wyatt) Bye, baby, I love you. (to Paige) Tell her, you’ve got three minutes.
Paige: My sweater shrunk.
Piper: Ah, come on, you’ve worn tighter things than that.
Paige: That is not the point. The demon blood is not coming out. I can’t keep replacing all of my good clothes. I’m running out of my savings.
Piper: Sister, you are preaching to the choir.
Paige: Yeah, well, at least you’ve got a job. You know, I cannot afford to keep paying for this. Unless… magic reimburses me.
Piper: Hello, personal gain, consequences. Do I need to remind you of the big boob fiasco?
Paige: No, my back still hurts. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid.
(Paige leaves the kitchen. Piper goes to follow.)
Piper: Paige, wait. What are you… (Leo orbs in front of her.) Doing.
Leo: Piper, we’ve got problems.
Piper: Yeah, I know, you’re late and it’s your turn to watch the baby.
Leo: Not marital problems… demonic ones.
[Scene: A Rock Cave. Two demon women are there. A snake is crawling over a rock in the centre of the cave.]
Jayda: What’s taking him so long?
Jenna: Patience, Jayda. He’ll be here.
Jayda: Maybe we should try a little target practice… (She forms an energy ball in her hand.) While we wait.
(She looks at the snake. Saleel appears.)
Saleel: I’d appreciate it if you didn’t kill my pets.
(Jayda extinguishes the energy ball.)
Jayda: Where’ve you been?
Saleel: Gathering nuggets. (He holds out two gold nuggets.) My last two. Do you want them or not?
Jenna: Name your price.
Saleel: No price. All I ask is your allegiance in my bid to take over the underworld. Consider this my grass roots effort at gaining support.
Jayda: What makes you think you can buy our support?
Saleel: Because in exchange, I’ll give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Do we have a deal? (Jayda nods.) Slainte is tainte.
(A golden stream of light hits Jayda and Jenna.)
Jenna: But how do we know it worked?
Saleel: Trust me, it’s your lucky day.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe’s Office. Phoebe is there chatting with cyrano73 on the computer.]
“Cyrano73: Like the poem?
Cinderella29: Cute. Made my day.
Cyrano73: Want another?
Cinderella29: I’m all ears. Or eyes. Whatever.
Cyrano73: Only in person. Meet me Saturday night?
Phoebe: And there it is. (types) Sorry, can’t.
(Phoebe’s assistant walks in.)
Assistant: Okay, remember, just the messenger.
Phoebe: Why do I have the feeling Jason Dean’s name is about to be mentioned?
Assistant: He had a few thoughts on your internet dating article. (She hands Phoebe a sheet of paper with red markings all over it.) And he wants the rewrite by tomorrow. Sorry.
(Phoebe gets up and barges into Jason’s office. Jason is there looking at a file.)
Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with this!
(She throws the paper on his desk. Jason doesn’t look up.)
Jason: Actually there is, didn’t you see all the red?
Phoebe: Look, this was your idea, I didn’t want to write the article in the first place.
Jason: And that’s how it reads.
Phoebe: Okay, well, just because I didn’t wanna write it doesn’t mean I didn’t do my best.
Jason: Is that so? ‘Cause it’s an article about online dating, yet you somehow devoted four paragraphs to this week’s meteor shower.
Phoebe: Well, I think meteor showers are romantic, okay, and quite frankly a lot less dangerous.
Jason: Look, just because you had some bad experiences doesn’t mean they’re all bad. Besides, you’re a reporter, you’re supposed to be unbiased.
Phoebe: Okay, I am an advice columnist and a very biased one, especially when it comes to romance.
Jason: Oh, and you know all about romance, do you?
Phoebe: Well, I know what women like.
Jason: Do you now?
Phoebe: Yes, we like eye contact. Hello? (Jason looks at her.) Yeah. And conversation where you can actually see the other person’s lips moving, and long late night walks, and, and candles and roses…
Jason: And you don’t think you can get that over the internet?
Phoebe: No, I don’t. I think you can get CDs over the internet, books, a purse maybe, but not a date.
Jason: You got any plans later? You do now. I’m taking you on assignment.
Phoebe: What? Where? Why?
Jason: To prove something to you. Six o’clock sharp I’ll pick you up.
[Scene: A Green Meadow. A dozen or so leprechauns have gathered under large trees.]
Finnegan: There ain’t no other option. If we stay, he’ll come for us all.
Leprechaun: But abandoning our realm would mean abandoning the world as well. Who’d give out the luck?
Finnegan: That’s the bloody world’s problem if you ask me. I’m for savin’ our necks.
Leprechaun: There’s more than just our necks at stake here.
Liam: Sure, fine. But we’re no good to anybody if we’re dead, right?
Shamus: What are we? A bunch of cowards? Don’t forget, we speak not just for ourselves, but for each of our tribes as well. And I say we stay and fight the demon.
Finnegan: Fight? But we’ve got no way to fight him, you know that, Shamus.
Shamus: That ain’t true. If we all pool our good luck, then we just might luck into a way to get rid of him.
Finnegan: Bollocks! Luck’s unwieldy. There’s no predictin’ what it may do. Who knows, we may end up even enragin’ the demon more!
Shamus: We don’t have a choice. Our place in the world is at stake here, Finnegan. Our lands are being plundered and our race may be annihilated by the devil himself. But we are leprechauns. Our blood flows green and our hearts beat gold and we can cower in the shadows no longer. We must use our luck to find the light. Are ye with me, laddies?
(The leprechauns cheer.)
All: Aye! Aye! Aye!
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige is there. She lays her shrunken sweater on the table and picks up a spell.]
Paige: “Personal loss should not be mine, restore this sweater and make it fine.” (She lights the spell and throws it in a pot. The sweater magically grows into its original size.) Ooh, I can’t wait to try this on my credit rating.
(Leo walks in carrying Wyatt.)
Leo: You sure that’s a good idea?
Paige: Wyatt, you should tell your daddy to not spy on Auntie Paige.
Leo: We’re only here because his mother is worried about you. Should we be?
Paige: No, I’m just settling a few debts, is all.
Leo: By using magic? Even Wyatt knows that’s breaking the rules.
Paige: Listen, Wyatt wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t broken the rules.
Leo: Okay, that was different. You know it.
Paige: How? That is a stupid rule and so is the one that says I have to take a vow of poverty in order to be a full time witch. Listen, I’m not trying to get rich quick, I am just making up for my losses.
Leo: Paige, please, Piper and I have enough to deal with right now without the consequences of some spell you cast.
Paige: Well, listen, if you and Piper weren’t so busy sniping at each other all the time, maybe you would feel differently.
Leo: We weren’t sniping! Nice try, change of subject. Look, Paige, there is more important things going on right now. The Elders say that good has been going through a curious string of bad luck lately and the demons are getting the upper hand. Maybe you could try working on that.
Paige: I have a perfect spell for that. I just wrote it to get out of my own predicament. “To find good luck, finances have run a muck, creditors I soon must duck…”
Leo: Paige, that’s for personal gain.
Paige: “I cast this spell to find good luck, and hope my life will cease to suck.”
(Paige is covered in green lights and she disappears.)
Leo: (to Wyatt) Don’t tell your mummy about this, okay?
[Cut to the Green Meadow. Paige appears. Shamus pops up from behind a tree, giving Paige a fright.]
Shamus: A witch. It’s about bloody time help got here. I was beginning to think our luck wasn’t working no more.
Paige: Who are you?
Shamus: Shamus Fitzpatrick. At your service, ma’am.
Paige: Uh, what am I doing here? I was just looking for a bit of luck.
Shamus: So were we. Our magic must’ve intercepted. And none too soon I might add. We need your help.
Paige: We? Who’s we?
Shamus: Why, leprechauns!
Paige: Huh, leprechauns. Of course, why would I think there would be anything other than leprechauns needing my help?
(Suddenly, Paige flies over a tree branch and lands hard on the ground. Saleel walks over to Shamus and grabs him around the neck.)
(Shamus orbs out and orbs back in, knocking Paige over.)
Shamus: Ever date a little person?
Paige: We gotta get outta here.
Shamus: Allow me. (He gets up and yells out Irish words. Saleels runs for them. A rainbow appears in front of Paige and Shamus.) Hold onto your knickers, darlin’.
(They step into the rainbow and the rainbow disappears, taking them with it. Saleel roars in anger.)
[Cut to another part of the meadow. The rainbow appears and drops off Paige and Shamus in front of a pot of gold.]
Paige: Is that…?
Shamus: Me very own.
Paige: Lucky you.
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Shamus are there. Paige has the Book of Shadows in her lap. Shamus is holding out a gold nugget.]
Shamus: It’s not just gold, it’s magic. Pure luck, that’s what you’re lookin’ at. Course, it’s just a spark to get them started. The rest is up to the recipient.
Paige: See, leprechauns are like bees. They pollinate the world with luck. Sometimes the seeds don’t stick but other times they grow into full-blown hot streaks, right?
Shamus: What she said.
(He clicks his fingers and his green hat appears in his hand. He puts it on his head.)
Paige: See? Now can I have some luck? I think I’ve earned it.
Phoebe: Be careful. Not all luck is good.
Shamus: She’s right. A nugget can go either way. Depending on our intention.
Piper: So you hand out bad luck as well? Wouldn’t that make you evil?
(Shamus moves in a blur over to Piper.)
Shamus: Watch your tongue! How’d you like it if I started sayin’ witches are evil?
Leo: Yeah, leprechauns might be tricksters but they’re definitely not evil. Like it or not, the world needs bad luck. It keeps the natural order in balance.
Shamus: Finally, a man with a solid head on his shoulders. Bad luck helps people just as much as good luck, maybe even more so. Because of adversity, people learn, they grow.
(Phoebe’s pager beeps. She looks at it.)
Phoebe: Sorry, it’s probably cyrano.
Paige: Uh, and this must be the demon, Saleel.
(Shamus moves over to Paige in a blur.)
Shamus: Yep, that’s the wanker, alright.
Paige: Eh, it says here he’s just a lower level reptile demon. We can vanquish him with a potion.
Piper: Great. Let’s get rid of him so I can find a band.
Paige: Um, I think finding a band might be easier for you, honey. It says here he’s pretty elusive.
Shamus: You’re darn right he is. Otherwise he would’ve heaped a load of bad luck on him by now. As it is, we never know when he’s gonna strike.
Leo: It’s probably what the Elders are worried about. Saleel’s been stealing the leprechauns’ gold nuggets and giving it to other demons.
Shamus: But maybe with a little good luck, your witches can put a stop to that.
Piper: No, we don’t need luck. We’re gonna do it our way.
Shamus: Your way may not work. (He moves over to Phoebe in a blur.) Are you with us, dear? Or are you writing love notes to your boyfriend? (Piper giggles. Wyatt’s cries are heard through the baby monitor. Shamus moves over to it in a blur. He picks it up.) What is this? A coven or a day care centre?
Leo: I got it.
Piper: Don’t forget to sanitise the nipple.
(Leo leaves the room.)
Shamus: People, we’re running out of time? Do I need to start crying like a baby to get some action around here?
Piper: I’m sorry, but my little guy comes before your little guys.
Shamus: Yah, well, without a little luck, my little guys aren’t gonna last long, lassie. So let’s try it my way. (He holds out the gold nugget.) Sl*inte is t*inte.
(A gold stream of light floats into Piper.)
Piper: What happened? What did you just do to me?
Shamus: Why don’t you find out for yourself.
(The doorbell rings. Piper gets up and opens it. Pat Benatar and Neil Giraldo stands there. Piper gasps.)
Piper: You’re Pat Benatar.
Pat: Oh, good, a fan, what a relief. This is my husband, Neil.
Neil: Sorry to bother you. Our car broke down outside and our cell phone is dead.
Pat: Just our luck, right? Listen, can we use your phone? We’d really owe you.
(Piper looks back at Phoebe and Paige. Their jaws drop. Shamus walks in and smiles.)
[Scene: The Green Meadow. Liam is hiding out in a hollow tree. He looks around cautiously. He feels the coast is clear and spots some berries hanging from a tree near by. A moves over to the berries in a blur and reaches up to grab some.]
Saleel: To die for, aren’t they?
(Saleel walks over to Liam.)
Liam: Oops, Mr. Demon, sorry, all yours.
(Saleel grabs Liam around the neck.)
Saleel: There was a witch in your realm. Did you little rodents run to her for help?
Liam: No, I swear. All we did was pool our good luck.
Saleel: Of course, and you must have lucked into a Charmed One. Which means the Power of Three will be coming for me. Well, if leprechaun luck got me into this mess, I’m quite certain it can get me out as well.
Liam: Yes. Let me go and I’ll show you where mine is hid.
Saleel: That’s okay, I know how to find it.
(He squeezes Liam’s neck and Liam bursts into gold dust. Saleel picks up his shillelagh.)
[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Phoebe, Paige and Shamus are there. Phoebe is scrying. Shamus pokes at the rainbow mobile hanging above Wyatt’s bassinet.]
Shamus: Who do they think they’re fooling? No one’s gonna go anywhere on those things.
Paige: Um, it’s just something pretty for the baby to look at.
Shamus: Pretty? Ya humans. The minute you see a few colours you get all excited. Rainbows aren’t for looking at. If they were, they wouldn’t be invisible.
Phoebe: Rainbows aren’t invisible, we can see them.
Shamus: Aye, when it rains, maybe. But they’re in the skies all the time. It’s how we get around. We light them up with our shillelaghs.
Paige: Ahh, is that how you find your pots of gold?
Shamus: And also our realm, our home. What’s left of it, anyway.
(Piper walks in.)
Piper: Pat Benatar is in the kitchen on the phone with her manager, rearranging her schedule so she can play at P3.
Piper: I am so sorry I doubted you.
(Piper leans down and gives Shamus a kiss on the cheek.)
Shamus: Just like a woman. You have to give ’em a gift to get anything in return.
Phoebe: Okay, this is not working, I can’t find Saleel.
Paige: Oh, that’s just because we need something of his to make it work.
Shamus: What you need is luck and lots of it. Not just the spark I can give ya, but the kind you build from, by taking risks, gettin’ yourself on a serious roll.
Paige: Serious roll, huh? I think I know exactly where I can get one of those. Hit me.
(Shamus pulls out a nugget.)
Shamus: Slainte is tainte.
(A gold stream of light hits Paige.)
Paige: Alright! Ready to go?
Piper: Go where?
Paige: Come on, sis.
Piper: Come on where?
(Paige orbs out with Piper.)
Shamus: Hey! Hey, where’s me kiss? Women. Well, how ’bout you, darlin’?
Phoebe: Why not.
(He pulls out another nugget.)
Shamus: Slainte is tainte.
(The gold stream of light hits Phoebe. The doorbell rings.)
Phoebe: For me? (Shamus smiles. Phoebe gets up and heads for the foyer.) Who’s it gonna be? George Clooney, Justin Timberlake?
(Phoebe opens the door and Jason stands there.)
Jason: You ready to go?
(Phoebe closes the door.)
Phoebe: That did not work.
(Shamus walks in.)
Shamus: Bullocks! It always works.
(Jason knocks on the door. Phoebe opens it up.)
Jason: So I take it you don’t want to go out.
Phoebe: No, you know, it’s funny, I-I can’t. Because my cousin came into town and he needs help with his other cousin.
(Shamus steps forward.)
Shamus: Oh, don’t make a fuss about me. You two just go out and have good time now.
Phoebe: But I really have to stay here and help you with your problems.
Jason: You two are cousins?
Phoebe: Yes, we are very distant cousins. And it’s about to get a lot more distant if you don’t let me handle this situation.
Shamus: Well, I would let you handle it, if you weren’t handling it all wrong. You need to go take some risks and leave the rest up to luck.
Jason: Look, I don’t want to get in between family stuff but it seems as if your cousin has got it all under control. So let’s go.
Shamus: Oh, good idea.
(Shamus pushes Phoebe out the door and he closes it. Pat and Neil walk in the foyer.)
Pat: Where’s Piper?
Shamus: Oh, she had to go, but she’ll be back.
Neil: Say, how’ve you been, Shamus? Long time.
Shamus: Don’t even try it, Neil. I already hit you with me best shot. That’s all ye get.
[Cut to a Casino. Piper and Paige are standing at the end of a craps table. The crowd around the table cheers. The croupier pushes piles of chips over to Piper and Paige.]
Piper: Paige, there must be $50,000 dollars there.
Paige: Sixty’s more like it, but Shamus said to take big risks. Here we have the craps table, we’ve got slots, we’ve got the big wheel thingy, we can’t lose.
Piper: Okay, maybe we should think about quitting while we’re ahead.
Cowboy: Quittin’? You girls can’t quit. We’re in the middle of a streak here.
Croupier: Alright, same lucky shooter, same lucky shooter comin’. High roll.
Paige: Piper, I can not ignore a cowboy. Besides, I feel something really big is about to happen, we just have to hold on and wait for it. (Paige picks up the dice.) Alright, come on now, baby needs a new pair of shoes, and by baby I do mean me.
(She throws the dice. Everyone cheers.)
Cowboy: Will you marry me? Because that’s how much I love you now.
Piper: Simmer down, buckeroo. Look, I’ve gotta get back to the actual baby, and we need to be using this winning streak to find Saleel.
Paige: Just one more roll.
Piper: Okay, fine, but we are not betting it all, ’cause I can send Wyatt to college with this.
Paige: Listen, the bigger risks we take, the more luck we have. Just watch this.
(Paige throws the dice. Everyone groans.)
Croupier: Two-crap deuce, snake eyes.
Paige: Where did our luck go?
Piper: Snake eyes, that’s it. That’s what we’ve been waiting for.
Paige: No, but we lost everything.
Piper: No, we didn’t. I just figured out a way to find the demon. (The cowboy gives her a look.) Stration. Demonstration. She knows what I mean. Come on.
[Scene: Serendipity Lounge. Couples fill the room, cuddling and kissing. Phoebe and Jason walk in.]
Phoebe: Okay, what are we doing here? Because I really need to get home.
Jason: This shouldn’t take very long. But then again, you’re pretty stubborn, so maybe it will.
Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute, I am stubborn? I am stubborn? Then what are you?
Jason: Stubborn, and a control freak. And pretty arrogant sometimes.
Phoebe: You really know how to take the fun out of a fight now, don’t you?
Jason: Look around, tell me what you see.
Phoebe: What don’t you tell me what you want me to see. (He stares at her.) Okay, fine. (She looks around.) I see lots of couples and they’re kissing and drinking and dancing. What I don’t see is the point. Oh, hey, get a room. Look, this is exactly my point, love doesn’t bloom through modems and hard drives. And no, that is not a euphemism.
Jason: What if I told you all these people met over the internet?
Phoebe: Right. Like you would have any way of knowing that.
Jason: I would if I had, say, started an sold an online dating service a few years ago, maybe established an evening one night a week for people to get together and meet in a safe environment like this.
Phoebe: Wait, so you brought all these couples together?
Jason: They brought themselves together. My company just made it a little easier for them. It’s a complicated world, Phoebe. People have a hard time finding each other in it. And even when they do, they sometimes don’t act on their feelings because they’re too afraid.
Phoebe: Yeah, tell me about it.
Jason: I admit, online dating isn’t perfect, there are people who use it for all the wrong reasons, but most people are just looking for love, just like the rest of us.
Phoebe: Like the rest of us?
Jason: You need to get started on that rewrite.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Paige and Shamus are there. Piper puts a pair of snake eyes on a dish.]
Shamus: Snake eyes? So what? I don’t get it.
Paige: Well, Saleel is a reptile demon, so we can use them to scry for him.
Piper: See, I told you it was good luck.
(Piper puts the snake eyes in a boiling pot and it makes a small explosion.)
Paige: I guess, but couldn’t snake eyes have been a winning roll too?
Shamus: You really want it all, doncha? Well, even luck doesn’t bring you everything on a silver platter. You have to work for some things too.
(Phoebe walks in. Piper starts scrying.)
Phoebe: Hey, did you find the demon?
Paige: Well, the vanquishing potion is done so we’re almost there.
Phoebe: Where’s Leo?
Piper: Passed out with the baby. Poor guy, he’s more worn out than I am.
Shamus: (to Phoebe) So how’d you do? You must have developed quite a streak by now.
Paige: Yeah, did you win the lottery? Ed McMahon show up at your house with a big ol’ cheque?
Phoebe: Actually, no. Nothing happened.
Shamus: What? That’s impossible. Did you take any risks? Get lucky with that fella?
Piper: What fella?
Phoebe: Ugh, I think he’s talking about Jason. And no I did not get lucky. Not that I would want to, anyway.
Shamus: Mmm, the burned child dreads the fire, ay?
(The crystal points to a spot on the map.)
Piper: People, we just got lucky.
[Cut to the Rock Cave. It’s dark. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Shamus orb in.]
Paige: Ha, maybe it took snake eyes a bit too literally.
Piper: That would be bad luck, right?
(Saleel walks out of the shadows, holding a pot full of gold.
Saleel: No, this is.
(He chants something in Irish. A shower of gold light hits the girls.)
Shamus: Oh, no, he’s soured your luck. Hurry, throw the potion.
(Phoebe is about to throw the potion when a lightning bolt zaps them. They fall down some stone steps.)
Saleel: Now what are the odds of that?
Shamus: Don’t worry, I’ll fix this.
(He chants in Irish. Saleel grabs him around neck.)
Saleel: Not so fast, little man. That’s my rainbow now.
(He squeezes Shamus and Shamus bursts into gold dust. Saleel steps in the rainbow and it takes him away.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe, Paige and Leo walk in.]
Paige: Charmed Ones, my ass! We couldn’t even save one leprechaun let alone all of them.
Phoebe: It wasn’t for lack of trying, Paige.
Paige: Yeah, well, still, Saleel is a low level demon, you know, we had luck on our side, we had magic, we should’ve been… Aah! (Paige trips on the rug and falls flat on her face.) Ouch.
Leo: Are you alright?
Phoebe: Are you okay?
Paige: No, I am not alright. I was supposed to help Shamus and instead I got him killed.
Phoebe: Paige, we were struck by lightning, we could have never seen that coming.
(Paige stands back up.)
Paige: How am I supposed to help them when even mother nature’s against us?
(Piper walks in carrying Wyatt and talking on the phone.)
Piper: Okay, well, I can’t get there right now, so you’re gonna have to handle it yourself. Call an electrician. (Paige sits on the couch and the couch bumps the table behind her, knocking over a cup of coffee, which spills on a power cord.) There’s a power failure at the club, they’ve shut down for the night. Do you have any idea how much money we’re about to lose?
(The circuit box in the attic sparks, causing light bulbs to explode.)
Phoebe: What the hell is happening?
Paige: Seems like a bad luck streak and it’s picking up steam.
Leo: Well, it can’t get much worse than being struck by lightning.
Phoebe: No? How about being hit my a meteor?
Piper: Take Wyatt out of here.
Leo: But, I…
(She hands Wyatt to Leo.)
Piper: No, no arguing. Just orb, okay? You were the only one that wasn’t cursed with the bad luck. He’s safe with you.
Leo: Alright, well, I’ll take him to Uncle Elders. He’ll be safe there.
Phoebe: Didn’t they ask you not to do that?
Leo: Yeah, but… screw ’em.
(He orbs out.)
Piper: Alright, we’re gonna have to turn our luck around fast. Paige, can you use that spell of yours to find more leprechauns?
Paige: No, they pooled their luck just to make it work. I wish we knew how to get this thing to make a rainbow.
Piper: Okay, well, since we can’t do that, we’re gonna have to turn our luck around the old fashioned way. A little determination, some positive thinking, a little faith.
(Suddenly, the chandelier comes crashing down from the roof.)
Phoebe: As you were saying?
[Scene: The Rock Cave. Saleel is there, holding another pot of gold. He waves his hand and Jayda and Jenna appear.]
Jayda: What are you doing? How dare you summon us.
Saleel: It’s time to pay your debt to me. I need you to kill the Charmed Ones, get them off my back so I can go after more leprechauns.
Jayda: You’re crazy.
Jenna: Wait, let’s hear him out.
Saleel: I’ve cursed the witches with bad luck which means they’re vulnerable now. They should be easy pickings for you.
Jayda: If that’s the case, why don’t you take them out yourself?
Saleel: Because they’ll be ready for me. But they won’t be ready for you. Plus, I can guarantee that luck will be on your side.
[Cut to the manor. Kitchen. Piper’s potion is on fire. Piper walks out of the laundry carrying a fire extinguisher.]
Piper: I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. (The nozzle falls off the extinguisher.) Aahh! Okay. (She squeezes the handle and the extinguisher sprays out sideways, missing the pot completely.) Uh-oh.
(She presses the handle and swings the extinguisher around, hoping the spray eventually hits the pot. She knocks some plates of the table. The spray hits the pot and puts out the fire. Paige walks in and coughs.)
Paige: Vanquishing potion done?
Piper: Well done.
Paige: What happened?
Piper: Big fire. Did you find anything?
Paige: Yeah, I went rummaging through stuff and I found our rabbit’s foot, wishbone, horseshoe, four-leaf clover, here’s some salt for that over the shoulder thing and, uh, coup de grace, charm bracelet.
Piper: Lucky charms, Paige?
Paige: It ain’t the cereal but it’s the best I could do.
Piper: What about…
(They hear a thump.)
[Cut to the stairway. Phoebe is sitting on the ground. Piper and Paige walk in.]
Piper: Oh, what happened?
Piper: Are you okay?
(Piper and Paige help her up.)
Phoebe: No, my bruises have bruises. I missed a step because I was trying to read my page.
Piper: Walk it off, walk it off.
Paige: Way to go, cyrano73.
Phoebe: “I thought I’d try again. How about Saturday night?” He is asking me out again.
Paige: Well, if you’re gonna do it, I would go with Saturday, seeing as how we’ll probably be dead by then.
Phoebe: Wait a minute, maybe I should say yes.
Piper: Oh, Phoebe, this is not the time to be…
Phoebe: Uh, it might exactly be the time. Maybe this was the risk Shamus was talking about.
Piper: Uh, accepting a date with a guy that you click with. That’s not necessarily a giant risk.
Phoebe: Well, for me it is.
Paige: How do you know for sure he’s not another demon?
Phoebe: I don’t know. Therein lies the risk. Okay. Y, E, S. And enter. Oh, yeah, I feel luckier already.
(Jayda and Janna smoke in on the stairs.)
Paige: Or not. (Piper turns around and tries to blow them up but blows up part of the railing. The railing falls and hits Piper on the head, knocking her out. Janna falls down a couple of stairs from the explosion. Janna throws an energy ball at them and Phoebe throws her pager at it, disintegrating it. Jayda throws an energy ball.) Energy ball!
(The energy ball orbs into Paige’s hand and she throws it at Janna, vanquishing her.)
(Jayda smokes out and smokes back in beside Piper. She smokes back out taking Piper with her. Phoebe gasps.)
[Scene: The Rock Cave. Piper, Saleel and Jayda are there. Piper is tied to a tree, still unconscious.]
Saleel: One witch. Quick quiz, how many should I have?
Saleel: Zero! They should all be dead, I never asked for prisoners.
Jayda: You miscalculated. The others found a way to turn their luck around and Jenna died because of it.
Saleel: Am I supposed to care about that?
Jayda: We’ll use this witch to lure the others. You still have more gold. We can make ourselves enough good luck to make them pay for what they’ve done.
Saleel: I have a better idea. (He grabs her around the neck.) I’ll just do it myself.
(He squeezes her neck and she bursts into flames, vanquishing her.)
[Cut to the manor. Attic. Phoebe is there scrying. Paige walks in.]
Phoebe: She’s at his lair and still alive, thank god.
Paige: Good, we should call Leo.
Phoebe: No, we’ve gotta keep the baby out of danger.
Paige: But Saleel’s got luck on his side, we’ve got nothing.
Phoebe: No, that’s not true, I think we’ve turned the tide.
Paige: How do you figure?
Phoebe: Paige, if we could just turn our luck into a streak, then we can do this.
Paige: Okay, we’ve got a few charms and he’s got who knows how much gold. It’s just not gonna cut it. Unless, we combine our own magic with it. (She hands something to Phoebe.) Take that.
(She picks up a salt shaker and throws salt over Phoebe’s shoulders.)
Phoebe: What are you doing?
(Paige picks up Shamus’s shillelagh.)
Paige: I am gonna help you make this thing work so maybe you can get a vision off of it. You know, maybe you can see Shamus using it.
Phoebe: But I can’t always get them on command. Sometimes it’s just…
Paige: Yeah, I-I know, luck. Just try.
(Phoebe takes the shillelagh and gasps.)
Paige: Come on…
Phoebe: I can see him, I can see him.
Paige: Come on.
Phoebe: Goneiri umbohli aht.
(A rainbow appears in the room.)
Paige: Far out, lady.
[Scene: The Green Meadow. The remaining leprechauns have gathered together.]
Finnegan: Either we leave right now and try to save what’s left of us, or we stay and die like the rest.
Leprechaun: Tell your tribes to take only what they need. We leave at dusk.
(A rainbow appears in front of them and drops off Phoebe and Paige.)
Paige: It worked.
Leprechaun: Witches! What are you doing here?
Paige: We’re here because we need your help to save our sister.
Phoebe: And to save you.
Finnegan: Right, sure, just like you saved Shamus. Hurry, laddies.
Paige: No, wait, please, you’re stronger than that. Shamus knew it and so do I.
Finnegan: Shamus Fitzpatrick was a fool. And look where it got him.
Paige: He was not a fool. He gave up his life because he believed saving you was worth the ultimate price. Shamus was a hero. He didn’t see leprechauns, he saw giants. And he didn’t see luck, he saw power. Please, you pooled you luck once before, do it again. Not for us, but for him. For Shamus.
Phoebe: For Shamus.
Leprechaun: For Shamus!
All: For Shamus! For Shamus! For Shamus! For Shamus!
[Scene: Rock Cave. Piper is still tied to a tree. She is now awake. A snake crawls along the branch above Piper.]
Piper: Hi, okay, hi, shoo, go away. See, I don’t like snakes, at all. Go away, shoo! (Paige orbs in with Phoebe.) What are you guys doing? It’s a trap.
Paige: Yeah, we know.
(They rush over to her. Saleel walks in.)
Paige: (to the snake) Go! Go away!
Saleel: The Charmed Ones. It’s about time you got here.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, we had to make a little pit stop somewhere over the rainbow.
Saleel: What is that supposed to mean? (A rainbow appears and drops off a leprechaun.) A leprechaun, please.
(Another rainbow appears and drops off three leprechauns. A third rainbow appears and drops off four more leprechauns.)
Leprechaun: Now, laddies!
(The leprechauns chant something in Irish. Streams of glittery gold light hits Saleel. Saleel looks up and sees a large meteor falling from the sky. )
(The meteor hits Saleel.)
Paige: Huh, a meteor. That’s some real bad luck.
Piper: Still tied up here, people.
(Phoebe unties Piper. Paige walks over to Leprechaun and holds out Shamus’s shillelagh.)
Paige: Here, I think this belongs to you.
Leprechaun: Actually, darlin’, I think Shamus would want you to keep it. For all you’ve done for us, for saving our kind.
Paige: Ah, you guys kind of did that yourselves, so it was your luck after all.
Leprechaun: Aye, it was your fighting spirit that sparked it, the same fighting spirit Shamus had.
Paige: I wish I could accept that compliment but I was just looking to be reimbursed to tell you the truth. I felt like magic owed me.
Leprechaun: And you still feel that way?
Paige: No, I don’t.
Leprechaun: Doesn’t matter what brings a person, only what they leave with.
[Scene: P3. Night. The place is really busy. Piper is at the bar. Leo walks over to her.]
Piper: Leo, what are you doing here? Who’s watching Wyatt?
Leo: I asked Paige to, I thought maybe you and I could spend some time together alone.
Piper: Oh, sounds great but it’s a little crazy in here.
Leo: I can see that. Pat Benatar definitely brings in a crowd, huh?
Piper: Yeah, at least I’ll go out with a bang.
Leo: What do you mean?
Piper: Uh, well, I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided that I want to sell the club. Not because I want to but I feel like I have to. I mean, being a mother slash Charmed One slash business woman is just one slash way too many. Something’s gotta give.
Leo: This club is your baby too, Piper, you can’t give it up.
Piper: Well, I don’t really feel like I have a choice. I mean, I’ve been stretched pretty thin lately and I think we’re both feeling the strain.
Leo: Yeah, I know, it’s why I asked the Elders for paternity leave.
Leo: It’s obviously never been done before but they spent time with Wyatt and realised how important he is and decided to break the rules for him.
Piper: Well, that’s weird. What happens to all your other charges? You do have a career too.
Leo: Well, they’ll temporarily reassign them. Except for you guys. As for my career, it’s not as important to me as we are.
Piper: Honey, I don’t think I can let you do this.
Leo: Piper, it’s one thing I don’t want to worry about, okay?
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pat Benatar.
(Everyone cheers. Pat Benatar starts singing.)
[Scene: Serendipity Lounge. Phoebe, all dressed up, walks in. Jason stands behind her.]
Jason: Here on business?
(Phoebe turns around and smiles.)
Phoebe: Actually, no, I’m not. What are you doing here?
Jason: I’m meeting someone.
Phoebe: Really? Weird, me too.
Jason: I know. You’re meeting me.
Phoebe: I don’t understand.
Jason: I’m cyrano73. In the flesh, so to speak. (Phoebe starts to walk away.) Wait, Phoebe, let me explain.
Phoebe: Okay, sure, go ahead. Give it your best shot.
Jason: I just knew you’d never go out with me if I asked you straight, right? Right?
Jason: So I had to find a way to see if you were interested in me without putting any pressure on you. I like you, Phoebe. I liked you the minute I laid eyes on you. And I know you like me… or at least the part of me that brought you here, otherwise you wouldn’t have come.
Phoebe: Jason, I don’t know…
Jason: I’m not asking you to marry me. I just wanna buy you a drink. Come on, what have you got to lose?
Phoebe: Ooh, I don’t know, my job maybe?
Jason: That would never happen. Hey, you want cyrano to disappear? He’s-he’s gone, I promise, just say the word.
Phoebe: Martini, dirty.
(He hands her a rose and they smile.)