My Three Witches

Written by: Scott Lipsey & Whip Lipsey
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick

Season 6, Episode 06
Episode Number: 117

[Scene: On the set of TV show “Chit Chat This & That”. Phoebe is a guest host there, interviewing Nina Halter.]

Phoebe: Today we’re going to be talking about the five minute orgasm. A new book written by Nina Halter. Hi, Nina, welcome.

Nina: Thank you, and it’s an honour to be on your show, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh, you’re gonna get me in trouble. It’s not my show, I’m just the guest host.

Nina: Oh, well, I’m sorry, I’ve been watching all week and I love, love, love your topics. So provocative.

Phoebe: Thank you very much. And speaking of provocative, we should probably talk about this book here of yours.

Nina: It’s wonderful, isn’t it.

Phoebe: Well, to be honest with you, I haven’t been able to read the whole thing because I haven’t had time, but I love the title. “The Five Minute Orgasm”, amazing. Okay, so I guess the first question would be, why only five minutes? I mean, don’t you think that’s rushing it a bit?

Nina: You misunderstood. It’s not about having one in five minutes, it’s about having an orgasm for five minutes.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, well. Is this my copy?

Nina: Uh-huh.

(Phoebe giggles.)

Phoebe: Okay. So, uh, let’s just cut to the chase here and I’m gonna ask you, how does one experience this phenomenon?

Nina: Well, it’s really quite simple really…

[Cut the the manor. Conservatory. The television is turned on.]

Nina: (on TV) First…

(The television turns off. Piper and a demon are there. The demon has created a hole in the floor which is sucking everything into it, including the TV. Piper is hanging onto the door frame. She tries to blow him up with one hand but instead blows up a vase of flowers.)

Piper: Chris!

(Chris orbs in.)

Chris: Piper, let’s go.

Piper: No, Wyatt’s upstairs. Just go get my sisters.

[Cut to the “Chit Chat This and That” set.]

Phoebe: This is just fascinating stuff. (Chris orbs in near by.) Um, I have to ask you, does it work for guys too?

(Chris waves his arms around trying to get Phoebe’s attention.)

Nina: Well, there is a technique but it’s quite dangerous.

Phoebe: Dangerous? Really?

(Chris gives up and orbs out.)

[Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Piper blows up the chandelier above the demon and it lands on him. He falls to the floor and the hole in the floor closes up. The demon gets up and runs through the house.]

Piper: Oh, no you don’t!

(Piper chases after the demon and he runs into the dining room. He opens the hole back up and Piper quickly grabs onto the stairs railing.)

[Cut to a retirement village. Many elderly people are sitting around watching another elderly man perform a magic act. Paige is lying in box which the man is trying to cut in half. His assistant, an elderly woman wearing a short red dress is standing beside him. Chris orbs in near by.]

Charlie the Magician: I don’t understand it. This trick worked in ’68.

Mrs. Rawls the Assistant: You forgot the saws, dear.

Charlie: Forgot the what?

Paige: It’s okay, I got you covered.

(Paige orbs the saws in the centre of the box. The elderly magician pulls the box in two so Paige’s head is sticking out of one and her feet are sticking out of the other. The elderly people applaud. Paige looks over at Chris. He orbs out.)

[Cut to the manor. Piper loses her grip and starts getting sucked into the hole. She tries to blow up the demon and grazes his shoulder. The hole closes and he disappears.]

Opening Credits

[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Chris are there. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are cleaning up the huge mess. Chris is looking through the Book of Shadows.]

Phoebe: So wait, a vortex did all of this?

Piper: Vortex, whirlpool, I don’t know, whatever.

Paige: Well, if it was a whirlpool, there’d probably be some water.

Chris: The fineries of what almost killed Piper aren’t important. The point is she was almost killed and no one was here to help.

Paige: You’re right, I’m sorry, I was kind of tied up… or cut in half.

Phoebe: And I was interviewing the most fascinating woman.

Piper: Oh, the orgasm lady. That show was great, at least what I saw of it until the TV was sucked into oblivion. I hope you brought home that book.

Phoebe: Mm-hm.

Chris: Piper, doesn’t it bother you had to vanquish that demon alone?

Piper: Yeah, well, sure, but, you know, we all have lives which is why I need this place cleaned up before my guests arrive.

Paige: Who’s coming?

Piper: Mary has designed a fashion line and she wants to show us all.

Paige: I love clothes.

Chris: Not so fast, we’ve got a demon to hunt. If I could just find him in here.

Piper: Okay, but regardless of what you find in there, I’m gonna hang out with my friends because I will have a normal life if it kills me. (She slams down her hands on her thighs.) Ow.

(She looks at her bandaged hand.)

Phoebe: Piper, why don’t you have Leo heal that when he comes to pick up Wyatt.

Piper: Because I don’t need magic to heal a cut.

Paige: I’d use magic for everything if I could.

Piper: Well, if I had done this fighting a demon, that would be one thing. But I did it in the kitchen. The chef did it in the kitchen, so that person will wear this bandage for the shame of it all.

Chris: Well, this book is not going to help us. But I’ve seen vortexes like that before.

(Paige puts a huge bunch of roses on the table.)

Paige: You know, this job would be so much easier if there weren’t so many roses.

Piper: What’s with all the roses?

Phoebe: I think Jason thinks that he’s losing me. And as an empath, I don’t know who’s feeling what anymore and I just, I have my guard up.

Chris: You should be aware that these vortexes suck their victims into pocket realms of alternate realities.

Paige: You know, sometimes guys can be funny like that, you know. The more you pull away, the more they come back at you.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I’m not pulling away, I really like him.

Chris: Dangerous alternate realities, people. Based on fantasies, desires, dreams.

Piper: So stop worrying about it and let him wine and dine you. I mean, a little wooing never killed anyone.

Chris: But a demon can, so can we please, please, let’s focus. Piper, you were almost sent to another world, that takes serious magic.

Paige: Magic. Brilliant idea. “Let the object of objection become but a dream, as I cause the seen to be unseen.” (The mess orbs away.) Well, call me butter ’cause I’m on a roll.

Piper: Wow, that’s much better, thanks Paige.

Paige: Yep, well, gotta get back to the temp job. Don’t know how much longer those old folks are gonna be alive.

(Paige heads for the door.)

Phoebe: And I’ll walk you out because I have to meet Jason for lunch.

(Phoebe follows Paige.)

Chris: No! No, no, no. We have a demon to hunt, get back here.

Paige: See you later, Chris.

Phoebe: We’ll talk about it later.

(Phoebe and Paige leave. Piper walks over to Chris and leans on his shoulder.)

Piper: You are our new favourite Whitelighter and all, but you need to lighten up.

Chris: No, you three need to get serious, because if you keep putting your personal lives before your wiccan duties, you’re gonna pay for it.

Piper: Maybe so, but not today. I scared away the demon, he’s not coming back, I have friends coming, and I also have chocolate chip cookies in the oven.

(Piper leaves the room. Chris turns to Wyatt.)

Chris: It’s your fault I have to do this now.

(Chris orbs out.)

[Cut to a cave. The vortex demon is there groaning and tucking towels under his shirt on his wound. Chris orbs in.]

Demon: You!

Chris: Wait, before you… (The demon opens the vortex and Chris is sucked into it. Chris orbs out just before it closes. He orbs back in beside the demon.) Would you just relax? I didn’t come here to vanquish you.

Demon: How did you find me here? No one’s ever been to my lair.

Chris: I don’t have to find you, Gith, I know you. I’m from the future. I came here to give you what you want. The Charmed Ones.

[Scene: Restaurant. Phoebe and Jason are sitting at a table.]

Jason: So I’m sitting there in the middle of this board meeting and I completely lose all concentration because all I could think about is you. It’s like they were speaking a foreign language.

Phoebe: Well, you were in Hong Kong.

Jason: Point is I flew straight back.

Phoebe: So you could regain your concentration?

Jason: To concentrate on you.

Phoebe: Well, I will try to keep your mind from wandering?

Jason: So what’s it gonna be tonight? Box seats at La Bohme or backstage with Metallica?

(A woman walks up to them holding a book.)

Woman: Phoebe. Oh my god, I’m sorry. Could you?

(She hands Phoebe her book.)

Phoebe: Yeah, absolutely.

(Phoebe signs her book.)

Woman: I’ve been watching you on TV all week. You are huge.

Phoebe: Oh, well, the TV does add ten pounds.

Woman: Oh, no, no, no. (She laughs.) I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that at all.

(Phoebe laughs.)

Phoebe: I know what you meant.

(She hands the book back.)

Woman: Thank you. Bye.

(The woman leaves.)

Jason: She’s right, you know. You could be huge.

Phoebe: I’m taping my last show today.

Jason: It doesn’t have to end. I own TV stations all around the world.

Phoebe: Are you offering me the world, Jason Dean?

Jason: Yes. All except Kazakhstan, I don’t have stations there.

Phoebe: Look, I appreciate you hopping on your jet to see me and the roses, all ten dozen of them. And the shows and the dinners and the private concert by the San Francisco Symphony.

Jason: But?

Phoebe: No, no buts. I like you, I like you a lot, you don’t have to try so hard.

Jason: I know.

Phoebe: You do?

Jason: You’re a very easy girl to please and I love that about you but have you ever stopped to consider that maybe I enjoy doing these things for you?

Phoebe: No, actually, that never occurred to me.

(Jason leans in closer to Phoebe.)

Jason: I don’t like to talk about it but you’re dating a minor media mogul here, so can I make a suggestion?

Phoebe: Sure.

Jason: Let go. Lose control a little bit. Trust me and just enjoy the ride.

Phoebe: You mean, like you drive? I don’t know, I’m a very good pas… (Jason kisses Phoebe.) Senger.

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Wyatt are there. Piper takes some cookies out of the oven. Wyatt is sitting in a high chair. Leo orbs in.]

Piper: Oh, look, daddy’s here!

Leo: We need to talk.

Piper: No, you need to orb. There are diapers in the bag. Here. (She hands him a bag and bottle.) Wyatt is very excited to spend the afternoon with you.

(Wyatt sneezes.)

Leo: Was that a sneeze? Are you feeling alright, buddy? Daddy will heal you up right away and then take care of mummy’s hand.

Piper: No, no, no, no. No magic, really. He has a common cold and babies need to develop immunities.

Leo: Not when his father’s a miracle worker.

Piper: No, really, if I’m gonna lead any kind of a normal life, there will be no healing for any of us.

Leo: So you just want him to suffer?

Piper: Oh, don’t be so dramatic. If he had a serious illness, I would be the first one to call you, but he doesn’t. So in the mean time, just watch him and fret like a normal person. Now go.

Leo: Well, that’s… I can’t take Wyatt today.

Piper: You can’t take Wyatt? What do you mean? You asked to take Wyatt. You know, father son bonding.

Leo: Yeah, that was until I found out about this. (Leo holds up a Valkyrie pendant.) Do you know where Chris got it?

Piper: A swap meet?

Leo: He killed for it. The Valkyrie who owned this pendant was murdered.

Piper: Leo, this is not cool, I have people coming here in ten minutes.

Leo: Chris isn’t who he says he is, Piper. I know he’s the one who banished me to Valhalla and this proves it.

Piper: You know what, Leo? Nothing will ever change with you. You will always find a way to make your job more important than your family.

Leo: Taking care of my family is my job, Piper, and right now I need to find out what Chris is up to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Gith’s Lair. Chris and Gith are there. Gith is dabbing his wound with a cloth.]

Gith: You must think I’m pretty low on the evolutionary ladder.

Chris: That’s not true.

Gith: A minor horned demon, a lesser slime devil, or some other common fiend with no power.

Chris: I have the greatest respect for your power.

Gith: Then don’t insult me. Whitelighters don’t kill their charges.

Chris: Well, I’m not your typical Whitelighter. I came from the future because I needed the power of the Charmed Ones.

Gith: To do what?

Chris: None of your concern. All you need to know is they’re drifting apart.

Gith: How do you mean drifting apart?

Chris: They’re putting their desires before their duties and that makes them useless to me.

Gith: You said desires?

Chris: You caught that, huh? That is what you feed off of, right? But I never quite understood how one could eat a desire.

Gith: Do you know how much energy is contained in an unfulfilled desire? People spend their whole lives wanting something, usually never getting it, I feed off that energy.

Chris: Just think how much power the Charmed Ones pack.

Gith: You know their desires?

(Chris pulls out a piece of paper.)

Chris: It’s all right here. With this, no messy vortexes, you can bring them into your world with the comfort of your own cave.

(Gith takes the piece of paper and walks across the room. Chris takes the bloodied cloth and puts it in his pocket.)

Gith: They’ll die, you know. Victims of their own desires. Is that what you want?

Chris: I’m counting on it. Why else would I offer to help? (Chris takes a piece of parchment and puts it in his pocket.) So good luck and for the sake of both our lives, don’t screw this up.

(Chris orbs out.)

Gith: A normal life with normal friends and no magic. Ask and you shall receive.

(He holds his hand above a well and an image of Piper and Wyatt in the manor appear in the water.)

[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper is there holding Wyatt. Wyatt sneezes.]

Piper: Was that a sneeze? (A wave of light passes Piper. The doorbell rings.) Okay, I’m gonna put you down here for two seconds, okay? (She puts Wyatt in his playpen.) Hang on, hang on. Okay, you’re good.

(Piper walks into the foyer and answers the door. Mary and Elizabeth are standing there.)

Women: Hi!

Piper: Hi.

Elizabeth: It’s been too long.

Piper: I know.

Mary: Oh, I hope you don’t mind, a few friends tagged along.

Piper: Oh, no, not at all. Elizabeth said you might be bringing a few friends. (More women walk into the manor and greet Piper as they pass.) Five. (The women just keep on coming.) Or eight.

Elizabeth: Oh, see, I told you, you should have called her.

Piper: Oh, no, no, really, it’s-it’s fine. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do this.

Elizabeth: Okay, living room, girls.

(Everyone goes in the living room except Piper and Mary.)

Mary: They’re all dying to see my new line of lingerie.

Piper: Oh, you design lingerie?

Mary: Mm-hm. You’re gonna love it.

Piper: Oh, sure, just as long as I don’t have to try any of it on.

Mary: Well, you’d look silly if you did. You don’t have what it takes to fill the pouch.

Piper: The pouch?

(Piper goes to close the door but Mary stops her.)

Mary: Meet my models.

(A handsome man walks in.)

Piper: Oh, sorry. (Another walks in.) Hi. Oh, yeah, the pouch.

(Another walks in.)

Model #1: So where can we change?

Piper: Uh, my bedroom’s free.

Mary: Right this way. Come on, honey.

[Scene: Retirement Home. The elderly people are sitting around watching another magic trick. Charlie is trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat. Paige and Mrs. Rawls is standing beside him.]

Charlie: And abracadabra. (He reaches inside the hat.) Uh, where’s the rabbit?

Mrs. Rawls: The rabbit died last year, dear.

Charlie: Oh.

(A wave of light passes the room. Charlie grabs his chest and groans. Paige and Mrs. Rawls lowers him to the floor. The nurse races to his side.)

Paige: Okay, somebody call 911.

Mrs. Rawls: It’s his heart. Charlie, can you hear me?

Nurse: Hold on, Mr. Rawls, we’re calling an ambulance.

Mrs. Rawls: We don’t have time for an ambulance, he needs help now.

Paige: Uh, alright, I can get him there faster but everybody’s gotta clear the room.

Nurse: I can’t leave his side.

Mrs. Rawls: Please, he’s gonna die. Just use your magic and orb him to the hospital.

Paige: How do you know?

Nurse: I think it’s a good idea, you should orb him.

Paige: You know too?

Nurse: That you’re a witch? Everybody knows.

(The elderly people nod.)

Mrs. Rawls: Please, we’re running out of time.

Paige: Alright, alright, just keep it a secret.

(Everyone agrees. Paige orbs out with Charlie.)

[Scene: Backstage of Chit Chat This and That. Phoebe is getting makeup put on by a make-up artist. Jason walks over to her.]

Phoebe: Hey. I can’t believe I’m taping my last show today. This week just flew by.

Jason: Usually what happens when you’re having a good time.

Phoebe: Yeah, I have to admit it has been fun. Thank you, Brett.

(He walks away.)

Jason: You know it doesn’t have to end.

Phoebe: Oh, don’t start with that again.

(The assistant director walks in.)

Assistant Director: Ms Halliwell, you’re on in thirty seconds.

Phoebe: Okay.

Jason: You said you’d enjoy the ride.

Phoebe: Right.

Jason: So enjoy it. When you step out on that stage today, don’t hold back. I want you to lose yourself in the moment, okay? You might be surprised.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I don’t like surprises.

(A wave of light passes Phoebe.)

Assistant Director: Okay, you know the drill. And we’re going in five, four, three, two…

(Phoebe pushes open the doors and walks onto the stage. The live audience cheers.)

Phoebe: Hi. Welcome to the show. (Phoebe turns around to see a big “Ask Phoebe” illuminated sign on the back wall.) Welcome to my show.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Outside the Studio. Phoebe, Jason and a bodyguard is walking the pathway.]

Phoebe: That was amazing.

Jason: You were amazing.

Phoebe: To be in front of a live audience like that and feel all the passion.

Jason: So you liked it?

Phoebe: How did you pull it off so fast?

Jason: I bought off a lot of people.

Phoebe: Did you buy them too?

(Phoebe points to a large crowd of people standing on the street behind road blocks.)

Jason: No, those belong to you. They’ve been coming out all week just to get a glimpse of you. Blake, can you stay close?

Blake: No problem.

Phoebe: Who’s Blake?

Jason: Your bodyguard.

(They walk over to t crowd.)

Phoebe: What? I thought he was a grip. (Phoebe signs some autographs.) Hi. There you go. Thanks. (Someone gives her a bunch of flowers.) Oh, they’re beautiful, thank you. Hi. There you go.

Fan: You saved my marriage. My Janey was gonna leave me until I read your column. Thank you so much.

Phoebe: You’re welcome.

Jason: It’s like walking with Ghandi.

Phoebe: Thank you everyone for coming! (They head over to their limo. Blake opens a door.) Thank you, Blake. (Phoebe and Jason get in the limo.) Jason, I appreciate everything you’re trying to do for me but a lot of this doesn’t make sense. Like, I swear those people weren’t here a few hours ago and the elaborate stage, how did you get them…

Jason: Hey, you promised.

Phoebe: I know, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Jason: Home, Blake. I got a big surprise for you.

Phoebe: Wait, bigger than all this?

(The card drives off and the crowd yells and waves. A guy holds up a sign which reads “Marry Me Phoebe”. He then turns around the sign and it reads “Or Die”.)

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Chris is there making a potion. Leo orbs in.]

Leo: We need to talk.

Chris: Sorry, not now.

Leo: Oh, yeah, now. (He holds out the Valkyrie pendant.) Look familiar?

Chris: I don’t have time for this.

Leo: You had time to kill a Valkyrie. Whitelighters don’t kill, or did you not read the manual?

Chris: But it’s alright for an Elder? You had Valkyrie blood on your hands too.

Leo: Fighting to protect the sisters. You went out, hunted a Valkyrie to steal her magic.

Chris: Oh, so that makes you the noble one, right?

Leo: Face it, Chris, I got you this time. This is enough to get your Whitelighter status stripped and your soul sent back down to earth for recycling.

Chris: You do what you have to do.

Leo: I already did. I arranged a hearing with the Elders tonight. I expect this to be your last day as a Whitelighter.

Chris: That’s quite possible. Excuse me.

Leo: Why are you making a vanquishing potion?

Chris: To help the sisters.

Leo: Why aren’t they making it?

Chris: Because they’re busy.

Leo: I can’t sense them.

Chris: Don’t worry, I’m on it.

Leo: You know, Chris, if I can’t sense them it means they’re not in this world.

Chris: I said I’m on it.

(Chris heads for the door but Leo stops him.)

Leo: Where are you going?

Chris: To bring them back, now lay off.

Leo: Until I find out what’s going on, I’m not gonna let you out of my sight.

Chris: You don’t trust me. Fine, I get it. But get this, if I don’t show up where I’m supposed to be alone, they’ll die. Your call.

(Chris orbs out. Leo picks up the parchment from Gith’s lair.)

[Scene: Hospital. Room. Mr and Mrs Rawls are there. Mr Rawls is laying asleep in a bed. Paige walks in.]

Paige: Hey, they said I could come back. Is Charlie going to be okay?

Mrs. Rawls: Thanks to you.

Paige: No, thanks to the doctors. I was just his cosmic taxi.

Mrs. Rawls: Oh, Paige, you saved his life.

Paige: Well, it felt nice to help out. I’m just curious, how did you know that I had a, uh, a power?

Mrs. Rawls: A power? You mean, your magic?

Paige: Okay, shhh, let’s keep it down, because it’s just our secret.

Mrs. Rawls: Oh, Paige, don’t be shy. Your magic’s a godsend. If you hadn’t been a witch, I would be a, I would be a widow right now.

Paige: Okay, just don’t say the word witch because someone might here you.

Mrs. Rawls: Well, so what if they do. This ain’t Salem, honey. There’s no shame in being a witch today. You should use your magic with pride.

[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper and her friends are cheering on one of the models dancing around the room in nothing but red tight underwear. He moves away and the next model walks in wearing tight leopard skin underwear.]

Piper: That’s great design detail there.

Mary: Thanks. I try to use the natural contours of a man’s body along with clean simple lines to convey an image of sensuous sophistication.

Elizabeth: I just think it’s hot!

Piper: It doesn’t provide a lot of support though, now does it?

Mary: That’s the point.

Piper: So you guys do this a lot?

Mary: You mean, stare at half naked men under a social accepted pretence?

Piper: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Every chance we get.

Mary: Our lives used to be very Sex and the City, then we got married, had kids and its celibacy in the suburb.

Piper: I’ve just missed so much, haven’t I?

(Mary catches the leopard skin underwear.)

Mary: I guess you could say that.

(Piper hears Wyatt cry through the baby monitor.)

Piper: Speaking of families, I think all this noise woke up Wyatt. I’ll be right back.

(Piper leaves the room.)

[Cut to the nursery. Wyatt is in his crib crying. Piper races in.]

Piper: You’re okay. What’s the matter? (She picks him up.) Come here, come here. You’re alright. (She feels his face.) Actually, you’re burning up a little. (Piper grabs a thermometer.) Okay, look, look, look. Let me see. (She places the thermometer in his ear, waits a few seconds and it beeps. She takes it out of his ear and looks at the temperature.) One hundred and two. That’s not good. Leo! Leo, come on, Wyatt needs you.

(She walks out of the room.)

[Scene: Limo. The glass dividing the driver and the passengers winds up.]

Phoebe: No offence, Blake. We’re alone.

Jason: I wasn’t joking when I said I wanted to give you the world, Phoebe. That live audience wasn’t just to impress you, that was a test run for a nationally syndicated talk show starring you.

Phoebe: What? Are you kidding me?

Jason: I have commitments from my O and Os. That’s twelve major TV markets, and don’t worry, once they see the test run everybody in the world’s gonna wanna Ask Phoebe, live. So what do you think?

Phoebe: I think this is moving very fast.

Jason: Yeah, isn’t it great?

(The dividing window winds down.)

Blake: We’re coming to the penthouse.

Phoebe: Wait, the penthouse? I thought you were taking me home.

Jason: That is your home. Well, it’s your new home.

(The limo arrives at the penthouse and more fans are waiting there. They run over to the limo and surround it.)

Phoebe: Okay, Jason, enough is enough here. I know that this is all coming from a really good place but you can’t just take over my life. I’m not even sure I want to star in my own…

Blake: We need to get inside.

Jason: Clear a path.

Phoebe: Where did all these people come from?

(Blake gets out of the car.)

Blake: Back up.

(Blake opens the door and Phoebe and Jason get out.)

Fan: Phoebe, I’ve read every one of your columns. They’re on all my walls.

Phoebe: Great, thank you. (to Jason) This is too much.

Jason: Isn’t it great?

Phoebe: No, I don’t think any of this is real. I think something’s wrong.

Jason: What?

Phoebe: I said I think something is wrong.

Man: My wife left me because of you!

(Someone holds out a photo for her to sign.)

Phoebe: Yeah, I never posed for that. See, this isn’t my world.

Man: Do you know how much pain you caused me?

Phoebe: This isn’t even my fantasy.

Jason: Wait till you see the penthouse I bought you, it’s got the best bay views of the city.

Phoebe: No, no, no, we can’t go in there. I know this isn’t gonna make any sense to you but I don’t think any of this is real. I think we’re in some kind of alternate reality.

Jason: What are you talking crazy for, Phoebe? This is real, it’s me. I’m real.

(The man holds up a gun.)

Blake: Gun!

(The crowd screams and runs away. The man points the gun at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: It’s time for you to feel pain.

(Jason grabs Phoebe. The man shoots and hits Jason. Phoebe and Jason fall to the ground.)

Jason: Better get you inside.

(The man runs off.)

[Scene: Gith’s Lair. He is looking at images of the girls in the scrying pool.]

Gith: I don’t understand.

(Chris orbs in.)

Chris: Something wrong?

Gith: The boyfriend took the bullet. It was meant for the witch.

Chris: You tried to kill one of them already?

Gith: I create worlds, I don’t control them. They work in their own way, in their own time. This is the first time a victim’s ever escaped a direct attempt on her life.

Chris: Yeah, well, pretty good, aren’t they?

Gith: It’s okay. Their desires will kill them eventually. After all, that is what you desire, isn’t it?

Chris: Actually…

(Chris pulls out the vanquishing potion. A crossbow materialises in Gith’s hand. Chris goes to throw the potion but Gith shoots him with the crossbow, hitting him in the stomach. Chris falls to the ground and drops the potion.)

Gith: I could sense your desire from the beginning. You never wanted to kill your charges, just teach them a lesson. That’s right, Darklighter arrow. (Gith smashes the potion with his foot.) Poison shouldn’t take long but with luck, you may just live long enough to watch the Charmed Ones learn their lesson after all.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper walks in carrying Wyatt. She heads over to the Book of Shadows.]

Piper: Okay, mummy’s gonna take care of everything right now. (She opens the book and all the pages are blank.) What is this? No-no-no-no, this can’t be happening. Leo! Chris! Anybody!

(Mary and Elizabeth walk in.)

Mary: There you are. Is everything okay?

Piper: No, Wyatt has a hundred and two temperature and I think it’s getting worse. Leo! Come on, your son needs you.

(Mary and Elizabeth look at each other.)

Mary: Honey, Leo’s not here. You two split up, remember?

Piper: Uh…

Elizabeth: A hundred and two? Piper, that boy needs a doctor. Let me drive you.

Piper: No, no, I got it, it’s okay.

[Scene: Hospital. Paige walks past a woman lying in a bed. She has a wound on her face. She grabs Paige’s arm.]

Woman: I heard that woman say you were a witch.

Paige: Oh, that, she was just being silly.

Woman: You have to help my daughter.

Paige: Okay, I’ve landed in twilight zone and I…

(The woman squeezes her arm tight.)

Woman: Please.

Paige: Okay, that hurts. But I need to wake up now.

Woman: Demons attacked us. I hid Susie but they’re gonna find her. You’re a witch, you can save her.

Paige: Okay, this can’t be happening. Chris, I need some help here.

Woman: Please. She’s just a little girl.

Paige: Okay, it’s gonna be okay. Tell me where you left her.

[Cut to an alley. Paige orbs in. A man runs past with a demon chasing him. The demon throws a fireball.]

Paige: Fireball!

(She orbs the fireball towards the demon and it hits him in the chest. He explodes and turns to ash. Paige runs into a storage room near by and goes down the stairs. A demon is there looking for Susie.)

Demon: Where are you?

(The demon faces Paige and creates a fireball.)

Paige: Pipe! (A pipe orbs into the demon’s chest and he bursts into flames, vanquishing him.) Susie? Susie, it’s okay, you can come out now. (Susie comes out from behind a barrel.) It’s okay, your mum sent me. That’s it, it’s alright. It’s okay. Okay. (Susie goes over to Paige. Paige puts her arm around her.) Let’s get out out of here.

[Cut to the alley. Paige and Susie walk out of the building. All these people come out from their hiding places and cheer at Paige.]

Paige: This can’t be real. (Two demons appear and one throws a fireball near Paige and Susie.) Go wait in there. (Susie goes back into the building. Paige orbs out and the demons look around. Paige orbs back in in between them.) Looking for me? (The demons throw an energy ball at Paige but she orbs out and the energy balls hit each other, vanquishing themselves. Paige orbs back in.) Anyone else?

Voice: Watch out!

(Paige dives behind a dumpster as another energy ball flies past.)

Paige: What the hell is going on?

[Scene: Outside the Penthouse. Phoebe and Jason are sitting on the ground.]

Phoebe: You’re gonna be okay, baby, we’re gonna get you out of this. Leo!

Jason: Who are you calling?

Phoebe: Uh, my brother-in-law. He’s a healer.

Jason: No offence, babe, but I don’t think he can hear you. Isn’t Blake calling 911?

Phoebe: Yeah, he is. I know this isn’t gonna make a lot of sense to you, but I don’t think this world is real, you know, I don’t know if there are paramedics here.

Jason: This world isn’t real?

Phoebe: Yeah. If I had to guess, I would say it’s a world of desire, but it’s not my desire, it’s your desire. I can feel how much you want all of this for me.

Jason: It’s true, Phoebe, I want everything for you including sanity. So if I die, promise me I’ll see a doctor.

Phoebe: You’re not gonna die.

[Cut to Gith’s Lair. He is watching the girls in the scrying pool.]

Phoebe: We’re gonna get you out of here.

Gith: An empath. You didn’t tell me the middle sister was an empath.

Chris: Sorry.

Gith: She must have been feeling his desire when I created her world. It’s no matter, my worlds always kill their victims. You know why? Because desires are empty. They lack foundation. This world will fall too, it’s only a matter of time.

Jason: I’m getting thirsty.

Phoebe: Okay, I’ll try see if I can find something.

(Chris waves his hand and Phoebe’s world moulds into Paige’s.)

Gith: No!

(Gith kicks Chris.)

[Cut to the alley. Phoebe is standing there.]

Phoebe: Jason? (Paige grabs Phoebe just as a fireball flies past. They crouch behind a dumpster.) Thanks.

(They peek around at the demons. A fireball heads straight for them.)

Paige: Fireball! (The fireball hits the dumpster.) Welcome to my world.

Phoebe: Wait, you have a world too?

Paige: Yeah. All magic all the time. Just what I wanted.

Phoebe: So you figured it out.

Paige: Well, yeah, if you mean the whole vortex of deadly desires thing. How’d you escape?

Phoebe: I have no idea, it just sort of happened. But I have to go back there because Jason was shot and I just left him there.

Paige: Oh, no.

Phoebe: Paige, I gotta get back.

Paige: Yeah, we definitely need to get out of here but I think we’re gonna need Piper to do that.

(The demons throw fireballs at the dumpster.)

[Cut to Gith’s Lair. He is watching through the scrying pool.]

[Cut to the alley. The demons walk over to the dumpster and look around at Phoebe and Paige’s hiding place. They’re gone. The demons look around the alley. Phoebe and Paige orb inside the dumpster.]

[Cut inside the dumpster. The girls push away bags of rubbish. Paige picks a lettuce leaf out of Phoebe’s hair.]

[Scene: Piper’s car. Piper is driving down the street. Wyatt is in the back seat screaming.]

Piper: You’re gonna be okay. We’re almost there.

(Piper drives through an intersection and hears a horn beeping. A car heads straight for them and smashes into the passenger side of the car. The car spins around the road.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Gith’s Lair. Gith is watching the girls from the scrying pool.]

[Cut to the alley. Inside the dumpster.]

Paige: Okay, I think they’re gone.

Phoebe: How are we gonna find Piper?

Paige: I don’t know, maybe try feeling her? The demon created these worlds by using our emotions, right? I don’t know, maybe use him as a conduit to tap into our feelings.

Phoebe: Okay, it’s worth a shot.

Paige: Are you getting anything?

Phoebe: No, I’m smelling something.

(Phoebe sneezes.)

[Cut to the alley. The demons hear the sneeze. One of them whistles.]

[Cut inside the dumpster.]

Paige: Bless you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Paige: Okay, try again.

[Cut to the alley. More demons join the others. The throw fireballs around the place.]

[Cut to inside the dumpster. Phoebe is concentrating. The dumpster shakes.]

Paige: Are you okay?

Phoebe: I feel her. She’s really scared and she needs our help.

(The demons throw fireballs at the dumpster.)

Paige: These worlds were fuelled by our desires, right? Well, our desires can find her.

Phoebe: Okay, so maybe our combined desires can actually bring us to her, right?

Paige: Yeah.

Phoebe: Uh, try to focus, focus, focus.

[Cut to Gith’s Lair.]

Gith: You’ve ruined everything. Now they’ll find the oldest sister and come for me. Unless I get to her first.

(He pulls out a knife and disappears into Piper’s world.)

[Cut to the street. Gith appears. Piper, holding Wyatt, walks out from behind her car.]

Piper: You’re not demon enough to kill me.

Gith: Ah, the sweetest desire of them all. The desire to survive.

(Gith walks towards Piper. Phoebe and Paige suddenly appear crouching in front of Gith. Phoebe trips him over. Paige rushes over to Piper.)

Paige: Are you okay?

Piper: Yeah, it’s about time you guys showed up.

Paige: Athame!

Piper: Yeah, sorry, no magic here.

(Gith gets up and attacks Phoebe. Phoebe grabs him and throws him against the car.)

Phoebe: How’s that shoulder feel? (Phoebe kicks him right in his wounded shoulder and knocks him to the ground. He screams in pain. Phoebe sees gas pouring out of the car.) Come on, we’ve gotta get out of here. We gotta get out.

(Piper with Wyatt, Phoebe and Paige run off.)

Gith: There’s nowhere to run! You’re in my world!

(The car explodes and engulfs Gith in flames. The girls and Wyatt vanish from the world.)

[Cut to Gith’s Lair. Smoke rises out of the scrying pool and Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Wyatt appear.)

Paige: Where are we?

Phoebe: Who cares? Where’s Jason?

Piper: Jason?

Phoebe: Yeah, he was in my world and he should’ve come out when we got the demon, right?

Paige: Are you sure it’s really Jason?

Phoebe: I don’t know, what do you mean?

Paige: I mean, in my world, there’s all these people that I know from the old folks home, maybe your Jason is just a creation of your world.

Phoebe: Oh, god, I hope so.

(Wyatt coughs.)

Piper: Wyatt needs help.

(Paige spots Chris.)

Paige: Oh my god, so does he. (Paige rushes over to Chris.) He’s still breathing.

Piper: Leo!

(Leo orbs in.)

Leo: You’re back, where were you?

Piper: Heal now, ask later.

(Leo heals Wyatt and then heals Chris.)

[Scene: Manor. Nursery. Piper, Leo and Wyatt are there. Piper tucks Wyatt into his crib.]

Leo: He’s fever’s down. He should sleep pretty well tonight.

Piper: Yeah, he had quite a day. (Wyatt gurgles.) You’re okay.

(Piper and Leo walk into Piper’s room.)

Leo: Well, I’m glad you made it out of that other world alright.

Piper: Yeah, and you have Chris to thank for that.

Leo: Chris. Yeah, well, he should have taken me with him to that cave or at least told me where my family was.

Piper: Leo, give him a break. He earned it today.

Leo: So what about you? I heard your social life was interrupted again.

Piper: Yeah, but, you know, there’s always tomorrow.

Leo: You never give up, do you?

Piper: No, not a chance. I firmly believe there will be one day without demons, magic or pocket realms.

Leo: Goodnight, Piper.

Piper: Hey, um, before you go, could you do me a favour?

(She removes the bandage off her hand.)

Leo: You want me to heal your hand? I thought you wanted a normal day.

Piper: Yeah, I did, and apparently that’s not gonna be today.

(Leo heals her hand. There’s a knock at the door and Chris walks in.)

Chris: Hey.

Piper: Hey. How are you feeling?

Chris: Better. Thanks. So it’s almost time for my hearing with the Elders. I thought I’d give you the pleasure of taking me in personally.

Leo: Yeah, well, maybe I’ll just give you this instead.

(He holds out the Valkyrie pendant.)

Chris: I don’t understand.

Leo: Neither do I. Just take it before I change my mind.

(Leo gives Chris the pendant and leaves the room. Chris smiles.)

Piper: Thanks for trying to warn us about the demon. We should have listened to you in the first place.

Chris: Well, as long as you learn something at the end of the day, that’s all that matters, right?

Piper: Right.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe knocks on Jason’s office door. Jason opens it.]

Jason: Hey, I got your message, you sounded so… (Phoebe hugs him.) Are you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah, I just needed to see you.

Jason: And feel my back.

Phoebe: You’re okay.

Jason: My doctor will be pleased. Listen, now that I have you here, I have a surprise for you.

Phoebe: Uh-oh.

Jason: No, this is good. The station manager’s a friend of mine and we got talking about you. Now, Phoebe…

Phoebe: That’s not what I want.

Jason: You don’t know what I’m gonna say.

Phoebe: Yeah, I think I do. (She sits on his lap.) And I appreciate the gesture but I have everything I want right here.

Jason: You do?

Phoebe: Yeah, I do. You’ve got me, Jason Dean. I’m yours. So no more wooing.

Jason: Okay, no more wooing. I guess I’ll cancel our helicopter to Carmel for dinner.

Phoebe: No, no! Maybe a little bit more wooing.

(They kiss.)