Written by: Daniel Cerone
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 6, Episode 04
Episode Number: 115
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there wearing unusual outfits. They close the door behind them.]
Piper: It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay.
Phoebe: Okay? That demon wiped out that whole family of innocents. How will I ever be okay?
Piper: You learn.
Paige: If that demon is anywhere in that book, I’m gonna nail his sorry ass.
(They walk over and sit on the couch.)
Phoebe: Oh, those poor children. They were so scared. I could feel their pain.
Piper: Okay, maybe you could feel there pain a little less, Phoebe.
Paige: Remember, she’s an empath now.
Piper: I know what her powers are. Okay, I think a little sister bonding is in order for all of us here. I’ll get the tea.
Paige: No. Did you see that demon? Did you see those teeth flying out like razor blades?
Phoebe: We need to kill that demon. For the children. All six of those children.
Piper: Fine, we’ll hit the book now, tea later. (Piper walks over to the book and when she touches it, it glows and closes up. She tries to touch it again and it jumps off its stand onto the floor. She walks over to it and dives for it. It moves away.) Told you it wouldn’t work.
Phoebe: Well, it’s her fault. Who’s ever heard of a demon with razor flying teeth before?
Paige: My fault? I’m not the one who made the innocents into the Von Trapp family.
Phoebe: Did not.
Paige: Did too.
Piper: Knock it off.
(Piper shape shifts into a blonde woman.)
Mabel: It’s my fault for going along with you two. We can look like the Charmed Ones but lets face it, our acting sucks. If we want the Book of Shadows we need to become them. It’s time to try my identity theft spell.
(Phoebe and Paige shape shift into two other blonde women.)
Mitzy: No way. They’ll come after us, it’s a suicide mission.
Margo: And it’s dangerous too.
Mabel: So what? You want to be chisellers your whole life? It’s time to think big and thinking big means making the whole world believe that we are them.
Mitzy: I don’t want to be them, I want to be bad.
Margo: Me too, bad’s better.
Mabel: Then stick with me, ’cause once we get the book we’ll steal their powers and then form our own power of three. And you know what that means?
Mitzy: We’ll be the untouchable sisters.
Piper’s Voice: Phoebe, Paige, are you up there?
Mitzy: Perfume, girls!
(They pulls out spray bottles of perfume and spray it over themselves. They disappear. Piper walks in and picks up the Book of Shadows. She places the book back on its stand and looks around.)
[Scene: P3. Day. Piper’s there talking on the phone. Jack the bartender is standing near by.]
Piper: What time did he go to sleep? Okay, can you call me as soon as he starts to stir? Okay, thanks. (She hangs up.) Uh, Jack, the band is coming in an hour to set up and do a sound check. Can you take care of them for me? I want to be home when my baby wakes up.
(Phoebe walks in.)
Jack: I’m on it.
Phoebe: Hey, you ready for lunch?
Piper: I was thinking I could make you something fabulous at home instead.
Phoebe: Piper, every new mummy needs a little grown up time. That’s why we got the nanny, right?
Phoebe: So let’s go-o-o-o-o-o.
Piper: Was that a moan?
Phoebe: (whispers) Piper.
Piper: (whispers) What?
Phoebe: (whispers) That new bartender guy is checking you out.
(Piper turns around and he smiles. She smiles back.)
Piper: (whispers) Are you telling me that you’re feeling what he’s feeling for me?
Phoebe: Yes, I still can’t control my new pow-owwwwww. (Piper hits her with a napkin.) (to bartender) Alright, take your shoes for a walk, buddy.
(Jack walks away.)
Piper: That’s creepy.
Phoebe: I know, it’s horrible. You should have seen it the last time Jason was in town, I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. I don’t know what I’m gonna do this weekend.
Piper: Jason is flying in from Hong Kong again? (Phoebe nods.) Wow, I’d say that guy is falling for you.
Phoebe: You think so? I think so. I hope so. But all I can feel is this strong sexual desire for me.
Piper: And that’s a bad thing.
Phoebe: Well, yeah, that’s a bad thing if that’s all he’s feeling. And if it is all he’s feeling, I want to know now, you know? So I don’t get hurt.
Piper: Well, why don’t you take him to a restaurant where you can’t get buck wild and ask Jason how he feels.
Phoebe: Mm, the direct approach. Very sneaky of you.
(They head towards the door.)
Piper: Mm-hm, and if that doesn’t work, ask him about the weather in Hong Kong.
(Chris orbs in.)
Piper, Phoebe: No!
Phoebe: We’re not demon hunting, we’re going to lunch.
Chris: Hey, I am not unreasonable. We can hunt demons after lunch. By the way, anyone seen Leo?
Piper: No, I have not.
Phoebe: I haven’t seen him either.
Chris: Well, if you do, let me know. There’s a rumour floating around up there that he has a lead on whoever sent him to Valhalla.
Piper: Well, I’m sure that’s very important stuff but I have another question. Did either one of you leave the book on the floor last night?
Chris: On the floor?
Phoebe: No, I didn’t.
Chris: I vaguely remember a story that started like that in the future. Someone’s after the book.
Piper: Demons are always after the book. What’s new?
Chris: No, I think this time they get it. You should take this threat seriously. And tell Paige. Where is Paige?
Phoebe: She’s at her new temp job.
Chris: She’s still on that kick?
Piper: It’s not a kick, Chris. It’s her quest for happiness outside of magic.
Chris: Yeah, but it’s a temp job. Who finds happiness on a temp job?
[Scene: North Shore Citrus packing plant. Paige and several others are packing oranges into boxes.]
Woman: Straighten your back. Do you want to get out of bed in the morning?
Paige: Back straight, check.
Woman: No, no, Mira, don’t reach, let them come to you.
(She drops an orange.)
Woman: Ai, forget it, keep the line moving.
Paige: Okay. How long have you been working here anyway?
Woman: Eight years and two herniated discs. Didn’t know what you were getting into on this one, did you?
Paige: No, I can’t say that I did. But it’s fun, you know, I get to work with my hands and it’s kind of like nature and best of all there’s no magic. (The woman gives her a look.) Markers, magic markers, I’m crazy, crazy allergic. (Paige sees two gremlins whiz past.) Oh, no. (The gremlins push on two crates of boxed oranges.) Watch out!
(Paige pushes the woman out of the way just before the crates of oranges fall right on top of her. The gremlins laugh. The boss runs in.)
Boss: Is everybody okay over here?
(Paige and the woman stand up.)
Woman: She saved my life.
Paige: It was nothing.
Boss: Alright, everybody take twenty until we can perform a safety check here.
Woman: That is the third accident this month. I think this place is maldito, cursed.
Paige: I think I’m maldito.
[Scene: House across the road from the Manor. Mabel and Margo are there. Mabel is looking through the window at the Manor. Margo is looking in a mirror.]
Mabel: I can’t tell if anyone’s home from here.
Margo: If I get Piper’s powers, first thing I’m gonna do is freeze these unwanted facial lines.
Mabel: I’m the oldest, I get Piper’s powers. You’ll get Paige’s.
Margo: Well, in that case maybe I’ll orb away this blemish.
(Mitzy walks in carrying bags of snacks.)
Mitzy: Stake out take out, anyone?
(She puts the food on the table.)
(Mabel and Margo go over to the table.)
Mabel: All I asked for was a scrying bowl.
Margo: Just because we killed the owners here, doesn’t mean we should let their food go to waste.
(Mabel pours a black liquid into a glass bowl.)
Mabel: “Give me sight through the blackest bile, show me the faces I revile.” (Piper and Wyatt show up in the liquid.) Piper’s the only one home right now. We need all three sisters together for my spell to work.
Mitzy: Eww, she’s with the baby. I can’t wait to orb that thing into a volcano.
Margo: Um, as the baby in the family, I’m afraid I’ll be doing the orbing. We get our powers by sorority.
Mitzy: That’s seniority, Margo. And that’s not fair, I wanted Paige’s power.
Margo: Don’t talk to me about fair. I always got less growing up. And usually two years out of style.
Mabel: There is nothing wrong with Phoebe’s powers, Mitzy. You’ll be able to levitate.
Mitzy: Yeah, six feet in the air. Margo will be orbing around the world.
Margo: I’ll send postcards.
Mabel: Don’t forget you’ll also have the power of premonition and empathy.
Mitzy: Like I care what happens to people or how they feel.
Margo: Well, maybe you should care, Mitzy, instead of this me, me, me attitude all the time.
Mitzy: Oh, you know what? You’re about to get your teeth knocked in if you don’t back off.
Mabel: Enough! What is wrong with you two? We have worked way too hard to let it all fall apart now.
(The doorbell rings. Mabel answers it.)
Salesman: Hello, are you the lady of the house?
Mabel: Go away. (She slams the door.) This is the biggest con of our lives. If we don’t get this right, we’re gonna be two-bit magic hustlers forever. Is that what you want?
(The doorbell rings again. Mabel answers it.)
Salesman: But you haven’t seen the amazing new Kelby 3000.
(He holds up a vacuum cleaner.)
Mabel: Just get inside. (The man happily walks inside. Mabel closes the door and walks back over to her sisters.) The secret of the Charmed Ones lays in their sisterhood, the Power of Three. Well, guess what. We’ve got our own sisterhood, our own Power of Three right here. If we can just stick together, we can have it all.
Salesman: You’ll never have it all until you own the Kelby 3000. (A dagger appears in Mabel’s hand.) I’m telling you this baby is gonna change your life…
(She stabs the salesman and he falls to the floor.)
Mabel: So who’s with me?
Mitzy: I’m sorry, sweetie.
Margo: Oh, me too. (They hug.) I’ll orb you anywhere you want to go.
Mabel: That’s more like it. Now, let’s sit back, relax, until the other two get home.
[Cut to the manor. Dining room. Piper is trying to feed Wyatt.]
Piper: Alright, look, mummy try it. Mmm. (She tastes it.) So horrible! Wow, is that horrible. (Leo orbs in.) Leo, what are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here.
(Leo kneels down beside Wyatt.)
Leo: I was looking for Chris, I heard he was asking about me.
(Leo tickles Wyatt and he giggles.)
Piper: He was, he thinks you found the person that sent you to Valhalla.
Leo: He does?
Piper: Mm-hm. But he’s not here but even if he was, I mean, why can’t you use your Elder powers to sense… (Leo pulls a face at Wyatt.) Like you sensed me here with…
(Leo and Wyatt laugh.)
Piper: For missing your son? It’s okay.
Leo: As an Elder, I watch over him every minute but it’s not the same, you know. When he’s sleeping, sometimes I orb into the nursery just to hold him.
(They hear the front door open and close.)
Paige: Piper, are you home?
(Leo stands up.)
Leo: I should go.
(Leo orbs out. Wyatt screams.)
Piper: Oh, sweetie.
(Paige walks in.)
Paige: There are gremlins at the fruit packing plant and I am the only one who can prevent serious workplace injury. This is not what I planned.
Piper: You lost me at fruit packing plant.
Paige: It’s my new temp job. I keep trying to find a life away from magic and all I get is magic, magic, magic everywhere. (Wyatt screams.) Oh, don’t worry, little dude, I’m not gonna let the gremlins get you.
Piper: It’s okay, I think he just misses his dad.
Paige: Ohh. I’m gonna go upstairs and check on the Book of Shadows and see what it says about the capture and control of gremlins.
Piper: Did you leave that book on the floor last night?
Paige: No, why?
Piper: Uh, I don’t know, it’s probably nothing. Uh, just be on the lookout. Chris said somebody may be after it.
Paige: Duh, people are after it every week.
(Paige goes upstairs.)
Piper: (to Wyatt) You’re okay, you’re okay.
(The Elf nanny walks in pushing a stroller.)
Elf Nanny: Fussy babies need fresh air.
Piper: Oh, that’s a good idea, I’ll go get my sweater.
Elf Nanny: Nonsense. Let me take the boy for a walk.
Piper: Alright. (Piper puts Wyatt in the stroller.) Just don’t forget a hat for those ears.
Elf Nanny: I always keep the baby warm.
Piper: I meant yours.
(The Elf nanny covers her ears with her hair.)
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe and Elise are walking down the corridor.]
Elise: You are on a real hot streak, kiddo. Your advice column has never been more, more revealing.
(They walk into the main office.)
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I just think that I’m really in touch with what other people are feeling right now.
Elise: Whatever it is, keep it up.
(Elise walks away. Phoebe turns around and sees Jason in her office.)
Phoebe: Hi. (She walks into her office.) You’re back.
Jason: God, I missed you, Phoebe.
(He kisses her hand. She gets a vibe.)
Phoebe: Oh, no. No, no, not again.
Jason: What’s wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing is wrong. H-How is the weather in Hong Kong?
Phoebe: Yeah, I hear it gets very balmy there. Balmy?
Jason: I suppose. You really wanna talk about the weather?
Phoebe: No, I don’t actually, I just don’t want to be alone with you.
Phoebe: I mean, I do want to be alone with you, just not alone with you here. You know, I just wanna be alone with you in a public area.
Jason: You’re, you’re still a little shaken up over my last visit. You know, your behaviour wasn’t all that bad.
Phoebe: Humiliating and embarrassing it was. Yeah. Look, I just would appreciate if we could take things slower, you know? Maybe go out for dinner and talk.
Jason: I’ll pick you up at seven.
Phoebe: Yay, okay. Can’t wait to talk.
[Scene: House across the road from the Manor. The blonde sisters are looking out the window. They see Phoebe pull up outside the manor.]
Mitzy: You know what this means. It’s spell time.
(They walk away from the window.)
Mabel: We’ve got one shot, so pay attention. After we read this spell, the world will see us as the Halliwell sisters.
Mitzy: You mean I’m going brunette?
Mabel: No, you’ll look like you do now but the world will know you as Phoebe.
Margo: Let’s go, let’s go. I’m dying to orb some place far away and exotic like Fort Lauderdale.
Mabel: Not so fast. The spell only gives us their identities. They keep their powers until we can get to the Book of Shadows, which we should be able to do once we lure them out of the house. Okay, everyone ready?
Girls: “Blinking faces blank and ho-hum, we are they and they are no one, grant to us the Power of Three, and turn them into nobody.”
Mitzy: Did it work?
Mabel: One way to find out. Let’s call our Whitelighter. Chris.
(Chris orbs in.)
Chris: Why did you change clothes, Piper? You can’t hunt demons in heals. Go switch your shoes and we’ll get started.
Margo: Hey, (she puts her arm around him) slow down there, angel. It’s all good in the Charmed universe. What’s your hurry?
Chris: Paige, did you just call me angel?
Mitzy: She did, and I can clearly see why.
Chris: Okay. What are you doing over here?
Mitzy: Oh, well, we were just, um…
Mabel: Solving a murder. Evil has been here, probably spying on us.
(She pulls the dagger out of the salesman and hands it to Chris.)
Chris: This could be connected to whoever’s after the Book of Shadows.
Mabel: Could be. See that symbol carved into the handle? We think that represents the astral plane.
Chris: I don’t know. The astral plane’s a realm of spirit and energy. It’s not like they manufacture athames there.
Mitzy: All the more reason you should orb over and investigate.
Leo: You want me to orb to the astral plane?
Mitzy: Immediately. And don’t come back until you find out where that knife came from.
Margo: Can I have a kiss goodbye?
(Chris orbs out.)
Margo: Oh, well, a girl’s gotta try.
Mabel: You know what this means.
Mitzy: We are Charmed and dangerous. (They do a little dance.) Oh, yeah!
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Mitzy walks in and goes over to Elise.]
Mitzy: Excuse me, Elise?
Elise: Phoebe, I thought you left.
Mitzy: I did, now I’m back. That’s not against the rules, is it?
Elise: Whatcha got there?
Mitzy: Oh, it’s a new article for tomorrow’s paper. I didn’t like what I wrote before.
(She hands Elise a sheet of paper.)
Elise: Is this crayon?
Mitzy: Eyeliner, actually. I didn’t have a pen.
Elise: Well, it’s a little late for a new copy but I’ll see what I can do.
Mitzy: Awesome. I mean, thank you.
(Jason walks in.)
Jason: Phoebe. (Mitzy turns around.) I thought you were getting ready for dinner.
Mitzy: Wow. You are hot.
Jason: Are you okay?
Mitzy: Never better. Did you say we were hooking up tonight?
Jason: I’ll swing by at seven.
Mitzy: Great, I’ll be ready for you, sugar. (He kisses her on the cheek and walks past her.) Ooh.
(She grabs him and kisses him passionately. Elise’s jaw drops.)
[Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Piper’s on the phone and Phoebe and Paige are making a potion.]
Piper: I did not fire your band. I need them to play tonight. Today at rehearsal? No, that’s impossible, I have been home all afternoon. Okay, listen, I’ll be right there. (She hangs up.) Uh, I gotta go to P3 so tell the nanny to give Wyatt dinner if I’m not back in time.
Paige: Okay. Bye. (Piper heads for the door and passes a wedding photo of Leo and Mabel.) Okay, this vanquishing potion is more like vanquishing goo. Can you check the last ingredient in the book for me?
Phoebe: Sure. (Phoebe reaches for the book and it glows and closes itself.) Whoa, that was different.
Paige: Try it again.
(Phoebe reaches for it again and it slides off onto the floor.)
Phoebe: It’s like it’s not recognising us.
Paige: Okay, that’s weird, I was just holding it in my hands ten minutes ago.
Phoebe: Wait, Chris said something might happen to the book, remember? And we just kind of blew him off. Chris? Hello, are you there? (Their cell phones ring.) Is that you? Who is that?
Paige: Both of us.
(They answer their phones.)
Phoebe: Hey, Elise.
Paige: There’s a union rally at the fruit packing plant?
Phoebe: No, I did not advocate multiple sex partners.
Paige: No, I’m not leading the rally, I’m at home.
Phoebe: I didn’t say that alcohol cures depression.
Paige: Of course I believe in equal pay for workers.
Phoebe: This is Phoebe.
Phoebe, Paige: Hello?
(They hang up.)
Phoebe: Emergency at work?
Phoebe: Unfortunate coincidence?
Paige: Not likely.
Phoebe: I don’t know about you but I wanna keep my job.
Paige: Yeah, me too. I’ll leave a note for the nanny, she’s out walking Wyatt, and I’ll try to put the book away.
Phoebe: Okay, um, I’m gonna change in case I don’t make it back in time for my date with Jason. Alright, meet back here as soon as possible.
(Phoebe rushes off. Paige bends down and tries to pick up the book. It glows and slides under the couch.)
[Scene: P3. The band is packing up their stuff. Piper rushes in.]
Piper: Hey, Ray, did the band leave yet?
Ray: I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re not open yet.
Piper: Hahaha, very funny.
Ray: You’ll have to come back tonight.
Piper: Look, Ray, I’m missing dinner time with my kid because the band cancelled, okay. I’m not in the mood for jokes.
Ray: They didn’t cancel, the owner fired them. Too bad too, they were good. You one of their groupies?
Piper: Wh? No, I’m your boss and I’m gonna fire you if you don’t move it.
Ray: Look, lady, there’s a bar open up the road if you really need a drink, okay?
(Mabel and Jack walk out of the back room, straightening their clothes.)
Jack: I have to admit, Piper, when you said that there’d be fringe benefits, you weren’t kidding.
Mabel: Oh, I’m all about job satisfaction.
Jack: Yeah? What about after hours?
Piper: Yeah? So do I! And you’re gonna be one sorry dude if you don’t move.
(Mabel sees Piper and hides behind Jack.)
Mabel: Oh, uh, you know what? There is some work I have to deal with but I’ll try to wrap it up early. Why don’t you come by the house after your shift.
Piper: Like you could! (She freezes Ray and walks past him. Mabel goes in the back room. Piper unfreezes Ray and walks over to Jack.) Why is Ray acting like he doesn’t know me? Would you please tell him who I am?
Jack: Sure. Who are you?
[Scene: Fruit packing plant. The rally is taking place. Margo is there holding a “Union” sign. Paige orbs in near by.]
Crowd: Equal pay! Shorter days! Equal pay! Shorter days! Equal pay! Shorter days!
Paige: What a circus.
(The boss steps in.)
Boss: Everybody quiet down! I talked to my supervisor and he’s replacing all of you if you don’t get your asses back on that line.
Margo: Oh, you mean the line of unsafe working conditions?
Margo: No medical benefits?
Margo: And third world wages?
Margo: I don’t think so.
Crowd: Equal pay! Shorter days! Equal pay! Shorter days!
(A security guard stands in front of Paige.)
Security Guard: May I help you, miss?
Paige: Oh, it’s okay, I work here. Who’s that girl on the conveyer belt?
Security Guard: I’d like to see some ID please.
(She shows him her ID. He looks at it and sees Margo’s picture on it.)
Security Guard: Who’d you steal this from?
Paige: What are you talking about?
Security Guard: Come on. Let’s go.
(He grabs Paige.)
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. The door opens and Mabel, Mitzy and Margo walk in.]
Mabel: Split up, fan out, find the book. We don’t have much…
Chris: I’m on to you three.
(They turn around to see Chris sitting on the couch.)
Margo: (whispers) What do we do?
(A dagger appears in Mabel’s hand behind her back.)
Chris: You thought you could fool me but you can’t. (He stands up.) This athame isn’t from the astral plane. You sent me on a wild goose chase so you wouldn’t have to hunt demons, didn’t you, Piper?
Mabel: You figured us out, Chris.
(The dagger disappears. Mitzy moves closer to Chris.)
Mitzy: We are so sorry.
Chris: Yeah, you should be. Look, there’s an evil out there after Wyatt, (Mitzy rubs her face on Chris’s chest) and we need to find him before he… Phoebe, what are you doing?
Mitzy: Finding comfort in my Whitelighter.
Margo: You’re all over him.
Mitzy: You’re just jealous ’cause I got to him first.
Chris: Look, Phoebe, I know Piper hooked up with her last Whitelighter but I’m really, really not interested, okay? Can we get back to hunting demons, please?
Mabel: Actually, Chris, we can’t. We didn’t ditch you to play hookie. We needed time to investigate the death across the street.
Chris: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place? I would have given you time off for legitimate Charmed duties.
Mitzy: Well, we’re asking now. We believe that athame belongs to witches.
Margo: Really smart, pretty witches.
Mabel: We just don’t know who they are.
Chris: So why don’t I check around this realm for them?
Mabel: It’s like you read my mind.
Chris: See, I can be reasonable and helpful. All you gotta do is be honest with me.
(Chris orbs out. The girls sigh with relief.)
Mabel: Okay, now we really are running out of time. We need that book. You two search down here, I’m gonna take upstairs. Oh, and from now on, keep your hands off the Whitelighter. That’s an order.
[Cut to P3. Ray throws Piper out the door.]
[Cut to the fruit packing plant. The security guard throws Paige out the gates.]
[Cut to The Bay Mirror. Security throws Phoebe out the doors. She looks up and sees Mitzy’s face on her Ask Phoebe poster.]
[Scene: Manor. Living room. The blonde sisters have found the book. Margo is furiously flipping through it.]
Mitzy: Hurry, hurry, before they get home.
(She stops at a page.)
Mabel: This is it, this is what we want.
(Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.)
Piper: Alright, who do you think you are?
Mitzy: Oh, you haven’t heard? We’re the Charmed Ones.
Margo: Nice dress.
Paige: Nice book.
Mabel, Mitzy, Margo: “Powers of the witches rise…”
Piper: Hey, hey.
(Piper tries to freeze them. Bright magical lights rise out of Piper, Phoebe and Paige.)
Mabel, Mitzy, Margo: “Course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here.”
(The bright magical lights sink into the blonde sisters.)
Mabel: Let’s see, what was that freaky little hand thing you did? Like this.
(Mabel flicks his hand and a vase blows up. Piper is pushed backwards. She looks at her bleeding leg.)
Piper: Ooh, I’m down. (Phoebe jumps up and kicks Mabel, sending her across the room. Phoebe turns around Mitzy and she has levitated in the air. She kicks Phoebe and sends her flying over the couch. Margo grabs the lamp.) Paige.
(Paige orbs out just before Margo whacks her with it. She orbs back in.)
Paige: I can still orb.
Margo: Hey, that was supposed to be my power! (Paige quickly orbs out Piper and Phoebe.) Freeze them!
Mabel: I don’t know how.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Mabel, Mitzy and Margo are there. Mabel is looking through the Book of Shadows and Mitzy is scrying.]
Mabel: You guys have got to see this. There’s spells, potions, charms for everything. Once we get rid of the Halliwells, this book is gonna change our lives.
Mitzy: You guys, my arm’s getting sore here. How about a little relief? It never takes this long to scry for a witch.
Mabel: That’s because they’re not witches anymore. We’ve got their powers.
Margo: Uh, excuse me, you got their powers. I got a big fat nothing. As usual.
(Mitzy gets a vibe.)
Mitzy: Margo, please, ease off the resentment pedal there, you’re dragging me down.
Mabel: Oh, this is great. Vanquishing tips on all of our competition.
Margo: Paige orbed. How could she still do that?
Mabel: We cast a spell to call a witch’s power. Paige’s orbing must come from her Whitelighter side.
Margo: Well, then let’s call for her Whitelighter’s power. Because I wanna orb!
Mitzy: Yo, Margo, get over it already. Your negativity is giving me a migraine.
Margo: You think it’s bad now? Just keep flaunting that empath power at me. I’ll start hitting on you for real.
Mabel: Hey, we’re in here.
Mitzy: We made the Book of Shadows? (Mitzy and Margo go over to see.) What, no picture?
Margo: Just a paragraph. A really, really tiny paragraph.
Mabel: The Stillman Sisters. Mabel, Mitzy, Margo. Common witches known for their small time hustles and cons. Not worth vanquishing. If they become a nuisance, try a simple spell to bind their magic.
Margo: Oh. Well, at least we got an entry.
Mitzy: Yeah, but look at what they think of us. Common witches not worth vanquishing.
Mabel: Is that right. Well, check what these common witches just did. We’re standing in the home of the Charmed Ones, we’ve got their powers, we got their book, and we got blonde multi-tonal hair. Who’s the nuisance now?
Margo: We are!
Mitzy: Oh, yeah!
Mabel: So let’s use all these powers to find the Halliwells. We can not rest until their dead.
(The doorbell rings.)
Mitzy: Phoebe’s boyfriend. She had dinner plans with him tonight.
Mabel: Go. Margo and I will work on the spells.
Mitzy: Wait, what? Why does she get to go on a date?
Mabel: We have to keep up pretences. If Leo or Chris find that we’re impostors, they’re gonna send the entire magical community after those girls and then we’ll never find them. Go.
(Mitzy gets a vibe.)
Mitzy: (to Margo) I felt that, Miss Blackheart.
(Mitzy leaves the room.)
Mabel: Let’s get to work.
[Scene: Motel. Phoebe and Paige help Piper inside a room.]
Phoebe: Okay, okay. (Phoebe places a bag of stuff on a dressing table. Piper and Paige sit on the bed.) Let’s see what we got here. Let’s see. (Phoebe pulls up Piper’s pant leg.) You right?
Phoebe: You sure?
Phoebe: Ohh! It’s bad! It’s really, really bad!
Piper: Okay, just do what you can, we have to get back to the manor fast for Wyatt.
(Phoebe gets some bandages out of the bag.)
Phoebe: They’re not gonna hurt Wyatt, they won’t risk exposure, not while we’re still alive.
Paige: How are we gonna stay alive? How are we gonna fight without our powers?
Phoebe: At least you can still orb.
Piper: I wish you could orb to Leo. I’d give anything for one of his unwanted visits right… ow!
Phoebe: Piper, we really should get you to the doctor.
Piper: The same reason we paid cash for this room. Because without picture IDs we’ve got no credit cards, we got nothing. It’s like we don’t exist.
Paige: Everyone in the world thinks we’re these trashy blondes. I do have to hand it to them though, they’ve taken identity theft to a whole new level.
Piper: What about Chris? What if we get him in the same room with the blonde ones so we can prove to him they’re fakes.
Paige: How? He can’t hear our call. Going into the manor right now would be suicide.
Phoebe: Wait a minute. I have an idea. Maybe we can find some magical creatures to help us. Like fairies or muses. What do you think?
Piper: We won’t be able to see them, we’re not witches anymore.
Paige: You’re not, you can’t see them. But I’m still half Whitelighter and I actually happen to know where a couple of handy dandy gremlins like to hang out.
Piper: You mean, the fruit packer killing variety?
Phoebe: No-no-no-no. This could actually work. Gremlins are fast, right? They can move between realms, they could actually help us find Chris.
Piper: What if they say no?
Paige: Well, if they say no then I’ll just have to threaten their little butts with my vanquishing gel.
Phoebe: Okay, Paige, you orb to the plant and find those gremlins. Chris has got to be back to the manor by midnight. Piper, you stay here where you’re safe.
Piper: Where are you going?
Phoebe: I am going to hand out a personal invitation.
(Phoebe leaves the room.)
[Scene: Restaurant. Mitzy and Jason are sitting at a table. Phoebe sneaks in and hides behind a plant. Mitzy pulls a necklace out of a jewellery box. She gasps.]
Mitzy: Hey, now! Who’d you knock off for this?
Jason: Ah, it’s nothing. There’s, uh, there’s so much I want for us, Phoebe…
Mitzy: How many carats are these?
(An elderly man turns to Phoebe.)
Elderly Man: Miss, miss, could we have a wine menu here, please?
(Phoebe takes a menu off another man and hands it to the elderly man.)
Mitzy: Wow, you just earned yourself a bit fat thank you. (She drops a napkin on the floor.) Oops, better get that.
(She gets down under the table. Phoebe’s eyes widen.)
Jason: Uh, Phoebe, what are you doing under the… whoa!
Elderly Man: My wife was wondering if you have any champagne.
Phoebe: How dare she.
Elderly Woman: Well, I only drink it on special occasions. This is our forty-second wedding anniversary.
Phoebe: You slut.
Jason: Uh, can I talk to you, Phoebe, up here where I can see your face?
(Mitzy pops up from underneath the table.)
(She sits back down. Phoebe sneaks over and sits down at the next table.)
Jason: Today you said you wanted to talk and now you’re groping me under the table. What’s going on?
Mitzy: Well, if you didn’t interrupt me, you would’ve figured it out.
Jason: Look, Phoebe, maybe you got the wrong guy here because this isn’t what I’m about.
Phoebe: Really? (Phoebe gets up.) Do you really mean that?
Jason: Who are you?
Mitzy: She’s nobody, baby, let me take care of this. (She stands up.) Listen, sweetie…
(Phoebe punches Mitzy right in the nose and Mitzy receives a premonition. In the premonition, Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb into the manor. The premonition ends.)
Jason: Lady, what the hell’s going on here?
Phoebe: I’m so sorry, I thought she was someone else. I’m sorry. Sorry.
(Phoebe rushes off.)
[Scene: Fruit packing plant. Paige is there looking for the gremlins. She is holding the green vanquishing gel.]
Paige: Hey, little blue fellas! Come on out! I won’t hurt you. (She walks into another room where a gremlin is jogging on the conveyer belt.) Hey, will you slow down for a second? I have an offer I would like to discuss with you. (The other gremlin swings on a chain towards Paige. She orbs out and the gremlin swings straight into the other gremlin, knocking him off the conveyer belt. Paige orbs back in.) What’s it gonna be?
(She holds up the green gel.)
[Scene: Manor. Piper’s room. Mabel and Jack the Bartender stumble in kissing furiously, unaware of Leo sitting in the corner with Wyatt. They fall back onto the bed.]
Leo: Piper. (They stop.) What are you doing?
Mabel: Isn’t it obvious?
Leo: Yeah. But in front of our son?
Mabel: Well, the lights are off.
Jack: I think I’d better go, Piper. I’ll see you tomorrow at work.
(They get up.)
Mabel: Well, no, wait. (Jack leaves.) Oh, man. Look what you did. Aren’t we like divorced or something? What are you doing here?
Leo: I told you, sometimes I visit Wyatt in the nursery to hold him. It’s the only chance I get to spend any time with him.
Mabel: You know what, you’re right. I’m a terrible mother. I don’t deserve a son, you should take him.
Leo: Careful, I just might.
Mabel: Great, it’s settled, he’s yours.
Leo: Piper, what’s the matter with you? You’re not acting like yourself.
Mabel: I’m sorry, Leo, I think I’m just post-partem. I’ve just been so tired and overworked. It would really help out if you could take Wyatt off my hands for a while. Please?
(Leo orbs out. Mitzy stands at the doorway.)
Mitzy: Don’t worry about the bartender. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.
[Cut to the conservatory. The clock strikes 12:00. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.]
Paige: Okay, if the gremlins found Chris, he should be here by now.
Piper: Well, he better hurry.
(They try to leave the room and the doors close on them.)
Phoebe: Oh, this is not good.
(They try to go out through the other doors and the close as well.)
(Another door closes. Mabel, Mitzy and Margo walk in.)
Mabel: You Charmed Ones think you’re so clever.
Mitzy: Surprised to see us? I got my first premonition tonight.
Phoebe: I know you did, you genius. I planted it to lead you here.
Margo: Well, from where I’m standing that seemed like a stupid thing to do, and I know a lot about stupid things.
Piper: Yeah, see, she’s got us there.
(Chris orbs in.)
Chris: You wouldn’t happen to know any gremlins, would you?
Paige: Uh, it’s about time.
Phoebe: Chris, thank god. Look at them, look at them, they’re impostors. They stole…
Chris: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Who are you?
Mabel: They’re witches. They’re the ones that killed that guy across the street.
Piper: No, Chris, she’s lying. Remember this morning when you said something was gonna happen to the book? Well, this is it. It’s happening now.
Mitzy: Ugh, enough of this. Piper, blast them.
Chris: How do you know what I said to Piper?
Paige: Because she is Piper. And I’m Paige and this is Phoebe. And they cast an identity spell to make the entire world think they’re us.
Margo: That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows the Charmed Ones are blonde.
Mabel: If you’re Piper, then show me your powers, blast me.
Piper: I can’t, you stole them.
Mabel: Okay, so we stole your identities and your powers. Wow, we must be good. Definitely worth more than a paragraph.
Margo: Oh, yeah.
Mabel: It’s time to take care of you witches and your delusions.
Paige: Wait! Wait. I can prove that we’re telling the truth. I can still orb, I’m half Whitelighter.
Chris: Okay, go for it.
(Paige tries to orb but nothing happens. She tries again.)
Margo: (whispers) What do you think of my anti-orb spell?
Chris: Go ahead, Piper, blast away.
(Mabel tries to blow them up but misses and gets the window.)
Phoebe: She missed, Chris, when have you ever known Piper to miss?
Mabel: Even I’m entitled to a bad day.
Margo: Come on, try again.
(Mabel blows up a pot plant.)
Paige: Uh, Chris, a little help here.
Piper: Oh, you know what? She’s getting angry. And our powers don’t work so good when we’re angry.
Mitzy: We’ve got them now.
Piper: Yeah, you’ve got us now so why don’t you blow us up?
Phoebe: Piper, death bad, life good.
Paige: Don’t worry, this bimbo couldn’t hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.
(The blonde sisters gasp.)
Mabel: How dare you!
(Mabel blows up the doors.)
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige run in.]
Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god, we need weapons.
Paige: Uh, demon leftovers.
(They run over to a large chest and pull out a crossbow.)
Phoebe: Piper, Piper, for you. (They hand it to Piper. They pull out an axe.) Okay. (Paige pulls out a spiked ball.) Ready?
Paige: Yes. (Piper crouches behind a couch and Phoebe and Paige stand on each side of the door. The blonde sisters walk in.) Now!
(Piper pulls the trigger on the bow and an arrow heads straight for Mabel. She puts her hands up in fear and she freezes Piper, Phoebe and Paige. She plucks the arrow out of the air.)
Mabel: Oh, so that’s how it works.
Margo: Uh, could we like, not stand here right now?
(They move out of Phoebe and Paige’s line of fire.)
Mitzy: Now what?
Mabel: Now we kill them.
(Chris orbs in.)
Chris: You did it. Nice work, babe.
(He walk over to Mitzy and kisses her passionately.)
Margo: This is not fair! First, I get ripped off in the power department, then you bag the bartender, and the boyfriend lays diamonds on you. That Whitelighter belongs to me.
Mitzy: Ow, my head. You know, you really need to learn to control your emotions. I can’t help it if Chris chose me.
Margo: Did you sleep with him?
Mabel: You did what? I gave you a direct order, that Whitelighter was off limits.
Mitzy: You know what? I am sick and tired of your orders. We both are.
Margo: Stay out of my feelings.
Mabel: Oh, are those your feelings?
Margo: The hell yes those are my feelings. You boss us around like we’re idiots.
(Mitzy gets a vibe.)
Mitzy: What? She thinks we are idiots.
Mabel: I didn’t say that.
Chris: Yeah, but I bet she felt it. My little empath feels everything.
Mitzy: He’s right. You despise us. (Chris looks over at the book and the triquetra on the front glows.) In fact, until I became an empath I never realised how much you truly hate us.
Chris: You know what? Come on, baby, lets go, who needs them?
(Chris grabs Mitzy’s arm.)
Mabel: Oh, you’re not going anywhere. We’ve got to stick together or our plan falls apart.
Margo: See? There you go, bossing again.
Margo: Just let the little chippy run off if that’s what she wants.
Mitzy: Don’t call me a chippy.
(She pushes Margo.)
Margo: Don’t push me!
(She pushes Mitzy back.)
Mabel: Just shut up!
(Mabel pushes them both and the triquetra on the book splits apart. Piper, Phoebe and Paige unfreeze.)
Chris: You should be able to handle these women now.
(Piper punches Mabel and Paige punches Margo. Phoebe walks over to Mitzy.)
Mitzy: Not the nose, please.
Phoebe: I think you have something that’s mine.
Mitzy: Sure. (She takes off the necklace.) It’s yours. Anything you want.
Phoebe: Thank you.
(Phoebe punches Mitzy in the nose.)
Paige: (to Chris) I take it this was all your doing.
Chris: Hey, you’re the one who got me here.
Piper: How did you know they weren’t us?
Chris: In all my life I have never seen you take the bait the way that witch took it from you.
Phoebe: In all your life? You’ve only been our Whitelighter for two months.
Chris: Let’s just reverse the magic.
(Chris opens the book and hands it to them.)
Piper, Phoebe, Paige: “Powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here.”
(White magical lights rise out of the blonde sisters and sink into Piper, Phoebe and Paige.)
[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Leo and Wyatt are there. Leo is playing with Wyatt. Piper is standing at the doorway.]
Piper: So we binded their powers and handed them over to Morris. There was enough evidence across the street to book ’em for murder and if that doesn’t stick, they’re wanted in eight other states. Looks like you two had a good time.
Leo: Yeah, he loved all the clouds up there.
Piper: I bet.
Leo: Well, he just finished a bottle, he’s probably ready for a nap. I should get going.
Piper: Leo, wait, um, don’t go too far away from Wyatt, okay? I mean, feel free to sneak in and hold him any time I’m not around.
(Chris walks in.)
Chris: Leo, can I talk to you for a second?
Leo: (to Wyatt) See ya, buddy.
(Leo and Chris go out into the foyer.)
Chris: There’s a rumour floating around up there that you’ve got a lead on whoever scattered your auras.
Leo: Yeah, I know, I floated it.
Chris: You did? Why?
Leo: To draw out the guilty party.
Chris: Did it work?
Leo: You tell me. So far you’re the only one to come forward with any questions.
Chris: It’s an interesting experiment. When you find out who did it, let me know.
Leo: Oh, I already know who did it, Chris, and when I get enough proof to expose him, he’ll be the first one to know.
[Scene: Car Wreckers. Paige is there talking to the gremlins.]
Paige: I don’t know why I keep running into magic but thanks to you two I have my identity back and the fruit packers are unionised. So for now I’m just gonna go with it. However, you two can’t hurt people anymore and that’s why I brought you here so you can tinker away to your heart’s content. Well, how about it, little blue dudes.
(The gremlins zip off into the pile of cars.)
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Jason’s Office. Jason is sitting as his desk. Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe: Can we talk?
Jason: I thought we tried that earlier.
Phoebe: I was kind of hoping we could forget about that.
Phoebe: You’re still mad.
Jason: No, no, actually, I’m confused. I swear, every time I see you, I never know which Phoebe I’m gonna get. You either wanna talk, or you want…
Phoebe: Yeah. I know. But I don’t know how to act around you either. You know, you fly in for a few days and we’re supposed to squeeze everything that we’re feeling for each other in those few days and it’s just, it’s just really hard.
Jason: I know.
Phoebe: And that’s why I wanted to go to dinner, you know? Just so we could talk. Figure out how we feel about each other.
Jason: How’s your nose?
Phoebe: My nose? Oh, yeah, my nose. It’s pretty good. I’m a fast healer. Well, I should probably let you get back to work, huh?
(She heads for the door.)
Jason: What are you doing right now?
Phoebe: Trying to make a classy exit.
Jason: You want to go to a classy lunch? We’ll just, we’ll talk.
Phoebe: I’d love to. (Jason grabs his coat and heads for the door.) Jason.
Phoebe: Thanks for my diamonds.