Written by: Henry Alonso Myers
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 7, Episode 05
Episode Number: 139
[Scene: Outside a Chapel. Piper and Paige are sitting in Piper’s car talking on their cell phones.]
Piper: This is ridiculous. We need more than ten cases of beer.
Paige: Look, we can’t keep doing this, Phoebe, because Piper and I actually have lives.
Piper: Okay, call Phil at the beauty bar and he’ll lend you a couple of cases of beer. I will call the distributor tomorrow.
Paige: No, Phoebe, I haven’t seen the demon or half-demon or whatever the hell he is. Yeah, I think demon fighting is important, but you, missy, are at home doing research. And Piper and I are here on the front line.
Piper, Paige: I gotta go.
Paige: Bye. (They hang up.) Why is it every time Phoebe runs away from a guy, that we actually pay for it.
Piper: I know, she sleeps with Leslie and suddenly she’s got us chasing demons all over town while P3 falls apart.
Paige: And she has to get her active powers back because we can’t keep picking up the slack.
Piper: I wish the demon would hurry up and attack already.
Paige: You know, it’s okay. I cast a protection spell on the innocent, so it should be alright.
Piper: Excuse me? You did what?
Paige: I cast a protection spell. Because, you know, you can’t keep watching him all the time.
Piper: Paige, protection spells backfire, that’s why we don’t use them.
Paige: Don’t worry about it. I got the spell from my best grad student. I’m all over it.
Piper: Well, you better be, because the chaplain’s on the move. (Paige looks though the binoculars.) He’s going in alone. Come on, put that down.
Paige: I have to put my shoes on.
[Cut to the chapel. The chaplain is praying. A guy walks in with a hood covering his face.]
Guy: Come to pray, have you, Arthur?
Arthur: Who’s that? Kevin?
Guy: That’s actually my human name.
Arthur: Human? (The guy shows his face. Half of his face is grey and scaly.) Wh-What’s happened?
Guy: This? It’s just a little ritual I’ve been performing to reveal who I truly am… are. Who I hope to be soon.
Arthur: What are you talking about?
Guy: My real name’s Sirk, from my father’s side. He was a demon. And I will be complete as soon as I’ve eliminated the last of my human lineage. And that’s where you come in. (He throws an energy ball at Arthur. Arthur goes flying through the room. Piper and Paige walk in. Piper tries to blow up Sirk but he is knocked backwards.) Ouch. That really stings.
(He throws a lighting bolt at the girls and they dive behind the pews.)
Piper: How many powers does this guy have?
(Arthur gets up from behind the podium.)
Paige: Arthur, get down.
(Sirk throws a fireball at Arthur.)
(The fireball orbs back to Sirk but Sirk shimmers out before it hits him. Piper rushes over to Arthur. Arthur stands up and he has a huge hole in his stomach.)
Piper: Nice protection spell, sis.
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Arthur are there. Leo is looking at Arthur’s hole in his stomach.]
Arthur: How did this happen?
Phoebe: Uh, actually, we’re not really sure.
(Piper walks in carrying a coat.)
Piper: Would you mind covering up? It’s a little unnerving.
(She hands the coat to Arthur and he puts it on.)
Arthur: But how am I still alive?
Paige: See, I kind of cast a protection spell.
Leo: You cast a what?
Piper: Already been there, done that.
Arthur: A spell?
Phoebe: Yeah, but the spell she cast was clearly a very, very bad idea.
Paige: I had to do something. We couldn’t just sit around and wait for demons to attack, because, you know, Piper and I actually have lives.
Piper: Don’t drag me into this.
Paige: What? We agreed that the only reason we are out hunting for demons constantly is because Phoebe won’t deal with her Leslie issues.
Phoebe: Wait, I have Leslie issues?
Leo: Okay, you guys, we have issues right now with the chaplain.
Arthur: I have to get out of here. I gotta find my wife.
(Arthur runs out of the room.)
Phoebe: Uh, Paige, would you mind? (Paige orbs out.) Can’t have him running around San Francisco like that with Agent Brody snooping around.
(Paige orbs in with Arthur.)
Arthur: What are you people?
Phoebe: We’re witches. It’s okay. Just relax.
Paige: Look, my spell got us into this mess, I’ll figure out a way to reverse it. I’ll just add it to the long list of things I have to do in magic school.
Arthur: Can you tell me if I’m alive or dead?
Leo: Uh, well, the thing is-is… we’re not really sure.
(The Angel of Death appears behind everyone.)
Angel of Death: I might be able to answer that question.
Phoebe: And you would be?
Angel of Death: I’m the Angel of Death. (Arthur faints onto the couch.) I knew your sister, your mother, of course, and your grandmother.
Leo: Alright, we get the point. What do you want?
Paige: Do you kill people?
Angel of Death: No, Paige, I don’t kill. I merely claim the souls of those who’ve already died.
Phoebe: And you’re here for who now?
Angel of Death: Oh, don’t worry, not any of you. No, this time I’m here for him. The problem is, I don’t seem to be able to claim his soul yet, even though he’s dead. It’s fascinating, really. I’ve never had this problem before. Any ideas why now?
Paige: I cast a spell.
Angel of Death: A spell? You trapped a soul with a spell?
Paige: It wasn’t intentional.
Angel of Death: Reverse it now.
Piper: Hey, listen, tall dark one. If we give you him, the demon gets what he wants, and then we won’t be able to stop the demon.
Angel of Death: You don’t understand. (A list appears in a puff of smoke in his hand. One column reads “Dead” and the other column reads “To Die”.) People have to die in order, according to my list. Otherwise, the cosmic balance is thrown off.
Phoebe: You have to give us some time to figure out what to do with the demon.
Angel of Death: The demon is not my concern. I’m neutral. All I care about is maintaining the grand design, but in order to do that, I must claim the soul of the Chaplain soon. I’ll be back.
Phoebe: Okay, this is what we’re going to do.
Paige: No. We are not doing anything, until you deal with Leslie.
Phoebe: Paige, are you crazy? There’s a demon on the loose.
Paige: You’re right, but you’re not dealing with it. We are, because you don’t have active powers.
Phoebe: Ugh. This is ridiculous.
Piper: Look, all I know is that since you’ve slept with the fella, all you’ve been talking about is demons and vanquishings and…
Paige: And see, the thing is that Piper and I have lives. We’re not on sabbatical.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you want me to do?
Piper: Talk to Leslie.
Phoebe: Fine. I will talk to him. Paige, you figure out a way to reverse your spell. Piper, you work on the vanquishing potion and take care of that innocent. I’m gonna go talk to Leslie.
Piper: Good luck. (Phoebe leaves. Paige orbs out.) Okay, I think you should go let the Elders know what’s going on.
(Arthur gains consciousness.)
Leo: I don’t know if I can keep facing them, Piper.
(While Piper and Leo’s backs are turned, Arthur sneaks out of the room.)
Piper: Yes, you can, Leo. You did great last time, and we really need you to do this. Please? (Leo orbs out. Piper turns around to see Arthur gone.) Oh, great.
[Scene: Hospital. Emergency Room. A doctor uses the defibrillation paddles on a patient. The monitor flat line beeps.]
Doctor: Call it. Time of death, 11:35 am.
Nurse: 11:35 am. We’ll make a note of it.
(The Angel of Death stands near the door.)
Angel of Death: It’s your time.
Doctor: Get his wallet. Get his I.D. Find out what happened from the paramedics.
(The Angel of Death holds out his hand.)
Angel of Death: Come.
(The patient’s soul starts to rise from his body. He stops halfway.)
Patient’s Soul: I can’t move.
Angel of Death: What do you mean? Your time has come. Now free yourself.
(The soul returns to the patient’s body. The monitor beeps.)
Doctor: How in the world?
(Sirk opens the doors slightly from the outside.)
Sirk: Looks like we both have a problem.
(The Angel of Death walks out into the hallway.)
Angel of Death: How is it that you see me, demon?
Sirk: It’s simple. With each life I take, I absorb whatever gifts they have.
Angel of Death: You can have your gifts. I just want my souls.
Sirk: And I want you to have them. That’s why I’m here, to help. The witches, they’ve really screwed up the natural order, haven’t they?
Angel of Death: The witches stopped one death with their spell, that’s all.
Sirk: No, no, no, no, no. They’ve stopped many deaths, just like the one in there. Don’t you see it? By messing with the grand design, they’ve created a bottleneck, one where death literally ceases. That’s the only explanation. Perhaps by combining our vast array of gifts, you can learn how to reverse the protection spell yourself. Then we can both just move on.
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Lobby. Phoebe is standing in front of the elevator trying to push the button.]
Phoebe: Oh! You can do it. You can do it. Come on. I can’t do it. I gotta go.
(Phoebe turns to leave. Leslie walks towards her.)
Les: Phoebe? Where have you been? I’ve been calling you for days.
Phoebe: Hey! Yeah, well, you know, I’m just, I’m so busy, Les. You know me, busy little bee.
(She tries to leave.)
Les: W-w-wait. Weren’t you, weren’t you going in?
Phoebe: No, actually, I was, I was coming out. Okay, I’ll call you.
Les: No, you won’t. You’re, you’re avoiding me.
Phoebe: I am not avoiding you. Okay. Maybe I’m avoiding you, but it’s just, it’s just a very, very little bit.
Les: Are you sorry about what we did upstairs? Is it…
Phoebe: No. No. I mean, you know, it was great. I mean, of course I’m not sorry, you know, but, uh, I just, I don’t know. I think that maybe I feel like we don’t really know each other.
Les: Look, Phoebe, what happened was… it was great.
Les: We-we didn’t do anything wrong.
Phoebe: I know. I just, I don’t know if I’m ready for this, whatever this could potentially be. I mean, I don’t, I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
Les: Because of me or because you’re in trouble?
Phoebe: What, what do you mean, trouble?
Les: Some cop came by yesterday asking questions about you. FBI or something. Oh, what was his name? Um, Brody. Agent Brody.
[Scene: Police Station. Darryl’s office. Darryl and Agent Brody are there.]
Darryl: I don’t know what you want with me, Brody.
Agent Brody: Alright, clearly, you want to say something to me. (He puts his badge on the desk.) So go ahead. Pretend I’m not a Fed. No ranks.
(Darryl closes the door.)
Darryl: Look, I just don’t want to end up like Inspector Sheridan, okay? Look, I got kids.
Agent Brody: Sheridan? She got transferred to another district, that’s all.
Darryl: I saw you shoot her in the neck with a tranquilliser dart.
Agent Brody: She’s fine. Trust me.
Darryl: That’s just it. I don’t trust you.
Agent Brody: Yeah, well, you’re going to have to start, because I’m gonna need your help to get to the Halliwells.
Darryl: Not this again. No.
Agent Brody: What? You don’t even know what I want with them.
Darryl: No, and I don’t want to know. Look, the sisters and I may not be getting along well right now, but I sure as hell don’t wish them any harm.
Agent Brody: I’m not going to harm them, okay? I just need their help.
Darryl: With what?
Agent Brody: With something. You know, if I wanted to harm them, I would’ve let Sheridan bust them, expose them. I have been on a trail for years that has just now led me to them, and as soon as they know that I know that they’re magical and that I’m not a threat to them, they’re going to have to help me. So unLess you wanna get transferred like your buddy Sheridan, I suggest you help me.
(He leaves the room.)
[Scene: Outside Doctor’s building. Harriet, Arthur’s wife, walks towards the front door. Arthur catches up to her and grabs her.]
Harriet: Oh! Art. Goodness, I didn’t see you there. What are you doing here? Are you alright? You don’t look so well.
Arthur: Don’t worry about me. Listen, there’s not a lot of time.
Harriet: Are you getting sick?
Arthur: No. I’m … there’s just so much I want to say to you, so much I have to say to you. I just wanted to see you.
Harriet: Artie, you’re scaring me.
Arthur: Do you still have the keys to the safety deposit box?
Harriet: Of course I do.
Arthur: Well, everything’s in there, you know, just in case something should happen to me. You know, I kind of worry about stuff like that.
Harriet: Artie, I’m… Kind of late for the doctors.
Arthur: Oh. Well, go, go, go, go.
Harriet: Are you gonna be home for dinner?
Arthur: Um… probably not. (He kisses her.) I love you.
Harriet: I love you too.
(Harriet goes into the doctors building. Arthur walks onto the sidewalk. Angel of Death is waiting there.)
Angel of Death: Arthur? I’ve been looking all over for you.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper is there scrying. Paige orbs in.]
Piper: Hi. Please tell me you found a way to reverse the spell.
Paige: No. Not without losing the chaplain, I haven’t, which means the demon…
Piper: Demon will become whole. I know. But honestly, he scares me a hell of a lot Less than the Angel of Death does right now. If I don’t find the chaplain…
Paige: What do you mean, find him? Where’d he go?
Piper: He ran off, and I can’t find him because your spell is protecting him. (The crystal points to a spot on the map.) Or at least it was. You didn’t lift the spell?
Paige: No. I told you I didn’t.
Piper: Then who did?
[Cut to an alley. Angel of Death and Arthur are there. Arthur is dead on the ground. Angel of Death waves his hand over Arthur’s body. Piper and Paige orb in.]
Paige: Uh, what have you done?
Angel of Death: What I should have done in the first place. I’ve reversed your spell and took the Chaplain’s soul.
Piper: And you helped a demon in the process.
Angel of Death: On the contrary. Your demon helped me.
Piper: You can’t do that. You’re supposed to be neutral.
Angel of Death: Circumstances were unusual. Your spell had unforeseen consequences.
Paige: What kind of consequences?
Angel of Death: People have to die in the order on my list. If one person doesn’t, all death ceases. Now I have to work overtime to collect the souls I’ve been unable to claim, to undo the damage you’ve done to the grand design.
Piper: Damage? We’ve done more than almost anyone to protect your grand design.
Paige: Look, we should leave it. We have a demon to go after.
Piper: We’ve given up a lot to make sure you have Less work. I have two kids and a business, and I still find time to fight demons, too. It’s not our fault you can’t keep up.
(Piper and Paige start to walk away.)
Angel of Death: That isn’t my problem.
Piper: It sure as hell isn’t my problem.
Paige: Stop yelling at Death!
(Piper and Paige walk across the street and Angel of Death follows.)
Piper: I don’t care. He is getting on my last nerve.
Angel of Death: You witches created this mess, not me. But you’re going to help me clean it up.
(He reaches out towards Piper and she falls to the ground.)
(Some people rush over.)
Man: What happened?
Paige: I don’t know. She just fell.
Man: Call 911.
(Piper appears beside her body wearing black clothes.)
Piper: What’s going on? Oh, no.
Angel of Death: I told you, I need your help.
Piper: What did you do to me?
Angel of Death: It’s a practical matter. If you’re alive, you won’t be able to help with the backlog, to take souls to where they have to go.
Piper: No. Hold it, buddy. If you…
Angel of Death: Do your job, and I’ll return your soul. (The list appears in his hand.) I suggest you get going. You’ve a lot of catching up to do.
(He hands the list to Piper and disappears.)
[Scene: Street. Police cars have blocked off the street. Police are putting up crime scene tape across the street. People are standing behind the tape watching. Piper and Paige are still standing next to Piper’s body.]
Piper: Well, do something.
Paige: What do you want me to do? It’s easy for you to say, dude, you’re dead.
Piper: Well, that’s just crazy, ’cause I’m not supposed to be.
Paige: What are you yelling at me for? It’s not my issue!
(An inspector walks over to them.)
Inspector: Excuse me, miss?
Inspector: Again, I’m sorry for your loss.
Paige: It’s okay.
Piper: Could you sound a little more upset, please?
Paige: I mean, it’s really sad. You know, I feel like my sister’s spirit is around me.
Inspector: Of course. Now, earlier, you told the officer that you two were walking by, and your sister just fell. No warning, nothing?
Paige: Yeah, no, no, no warning.
Inspector: And you didn’t happen to notice the body in the alley there, did you?
Paige: No, I didn’t.
(A coroner walks up to the Inspector.)
Coroner: Uh, forensics is done. We’re gonna take the bodies, if it’s okay with you.
Inspector: Go ahead.
Piper: Where are they taking me?
Paige: Uh, where are you taking her?
Inspector: To the morgue. After the autopsy, we’ll release your sister’s body to you.
Piper: Oh, no, no, they can’t do that, they can’t do that!
Paige: Stop yelling in my ear. No. No, you can’t do an autopsy because, you see, it’s against our… religion.
Inspector: I’m sorry. This is a murder investigation. State law. If you think of anything that might be able to help, please, give us a call.
(He hands Paige his card and walks away.)
Piper: Okay, starting to panic.
Paige: Oh, no.
Piper: Oh, no? What could be more oh, no, than they’re taking my body away for an autopsy?
Paige: Agent Brody. (Agent Brody stands across the street watching Paige.) Yeah.
Piper: What’s he doing here?
Paige: Mm, probably watching me talk to myself.
[Cut to the Manor. Living room. Phoebe walks in. Paige orbs in.]
Phoebe: Paige, where have you been? I was worried.
Paige: Actually, I…
Phoebe: Did you reverse the spell?
Paige: No, but someone has.
Phoebe: Wait a minute, missy. What’s going on? Where’s Piper?
Phoebe: Whoa, how’d you do… What are you wearing?
Piper: You didn’t tell her.
Paige: No. Okay, fine. Piper’s dead.
Piper: I’m not dead. I’m Death. As if my life wasn’t busy enough already.
Paige: Okay, long story short. Um, Death has temporarily recruited Piper.
(The list appears in a puff of smoke.)
Piper: And now I have to collect all the souls on this list before the coroner starts cutting up my body.
Phoebe: Cutting up your body?
Piper: Autopsy. (Phoebe gasps. Piper sees the names change on the list.) Why are these names changing?
Paige: I don’t know. Maybe we should call Leo.
Piper: Maybe we should call Death.
Phoebe: So does this mean the demon’s working at full force now?
Paige: If he is, why hasn’t he attacked?
Piper: Excuse me. Can we focus on the person with the non-dead problem over here?
Phoebe: Let me see that list.
Piper: Well, it…
(Phoebe takes the list from Piper.)
Phoebe: So Sirk was killing his family members to become full demon, right? So that would mean he would have to get rid of his human soul.
Phoebe: Well, if he succeeded, Sirk’s name would be on the dead list, right? And it is not.
Paige: Well, that would mean he has a family member alive somewhere.
Phoebe: Right. So we just have to track down that person before he does.
Piper: Excuse me, I have souls to collect.
Phoebe: Where did she go?
[Scene: Hospital. Room. Piper is watching a woman crying beside her deceased husband. The man’s soul appears beside Piper and Piper jumps.]
Piper: You scared me.
Dead Man: I scared you? Who are you, and what’s happening?
Piper: Well, I think you might actually be, you know, dead. I know. Bummer, huh?
Dead Man: Are you here to take me away?
Piper: I don’t know. I think so. See, I’m kinda new at this.
(Suddenly, Piper and the dead man are in the ghostly plane. The double doors open and they walk into the hallway.)
Dead Man: What’s happening?
Piper: Good question.
(A vortex opens in front of them.)
Dead Man: Where does that go?
Piper: I’m not sure, but I think I’m supposed to take you in there. What do you say? (She takes his hand and they walk towards the vortex.) If it makes you feel any better, I’m a little scared too.
(They walk into the vortex.)
[Scene: Underworld. Seer’s Cave. The Seer and Sirk are there.]
Sirk: You lied to me!
(He throws an energy ball towards the Seer and she shimmers out. Once the energy ball passes, she shimmers back in.)
Seer: I’m a Seer. Hello? I saw that coming.
Sirk: I did everything you said. I killed every last member of my family, and yet, still, I’m part-human.
Seer: Oh, so just ’cause I can see the future, it must be my fault?
Sirk: Give me an answer!
Seer: Relax. Did you kill all of your blood relatives?
Seer: Every last little one?
Sirk: Do you want to join ’em?
Seer: You’d think since your first threat failed so miserably, you’d be a little bit nicer to me. You’ve obviously missed somebody. There has to be another.
(She waves her hand over the pool and it ripples. Sirk laughs.)
[Scene: Conservatory. Leo is there watching the news on TV.]
News Reporter: (on tv) It’s unclear whether the death of local club impresario Piper Halliwell is related to the Death of Chaplain Arthur Casey, but police insist every possibility is being investigated. We’ll have more on this story at 11:00.
(Phoebe walks in. Leo turns off the TV.)
Leo: This is really bad.
Phoebe: Leo, relax. Piper’s been dead before.
Leo: Not like this, not on the midday news. What if the kids find out?
Phoebe: They’re at magic school.
(Paige walks in talking on the phone.)
Paige: (on phone) We’re very, very sorry, too. Thanks for your condolences. Bye. (She hangs up.) Okay, I think this is too big for even us to cover.
Phoebe: What about the Cleaners?
Leo: No, they won’t help, not after last time. If Piper suddenly wakes up in the morgue, you have to explain it.
Paige: So what are we gonna do?
Phoebe: Well, we’ll figure something out. We always do, and in the meantime, we have to find the demon before he kills another relative.
Paige: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna call Darryl and see if I can get him to postpone the autopsy.
Leo: I’m gonna go to magic school and stay with the kids.
(Leo orbs out. The doorbell rings.)
Phoebe: Alright, now what? (Phoebe walks into the foyer and opens the door. Leslie smiles and moves in towards Phoebe.) Leslie! (She pushes him back.) Hold it.
(She shuts the door on his face.)
Paige: I thought you dealt with him.
Phoebe: No. I said I saw him. I did not say I dealt with him.
Paige: Well, you need to get rid of him, because we have a little bit going on right now, okay?
(Phoebe goes back outside. Paige dials a number on the phone.)
[Cut to the porch.]
Les: I just can’t believe it. You’ve gotta be in shock.
Phoebe: Uh, yeah, you know, I am, but things happen, you know?
(They sit on the stairs.)
Les: I just don’t understand. Was Piper even sick?
Phoebe: No, she wasn’t. It was all very sudden.
Les: You sure are handling this awfully well.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, you know, I’m okay. Uh, it’s hard, but I’m trying to stay strong for Paige.
Les: I understand.
Phoebe: There’s just so much to do.
Les: Well, can I help with anything?
Phoebe: I don’t even know where to start.
Les: Well, it’s always good to start with people you need to contact. I could help make a list.
Phoebe: Wait, what did you just say?
Les: Make a list, you know, friends, family. People like that.
(Paige walks outside.)
Paige: Phoebe, um, can we talk?
Phoebe: Yes. Just one second. (to Leslie) Thank you so much for coming by. I really appreciate it.
(They stand up.)
Les: I thought I was gonna help you make a list and…
Phoebe: Yeah, I just really need to spend some time with my sister, you know.
Les: Well, of course. Um, just call me if you need anything.
Phoebe: I will. I will, definitely. Thanks. (Phoebe quickly kisses Leslie.) Okay. Bye! Bye.
Paige: Okay, I struck out with Darryl.
Phoebe: It doesn’t matter. I think I know how to find out who the demon’s going after next.
Phoebe: Piper’s list. The name will be on it. Come on.
(They go into the house.)
[Scene: Chapel. Harriet is sitting on the pew. Sirk sits on the pew behind her.]
Harriet: Do I know you?
Sirk: We’ve never met. I’m Arthur’s cousin, Kevin. But you can call me Sirk. (He removes his hood. Harriet is frightened and tries to leave. He grabs her arm.) Ah, so it’s true. You are going to be a mother.
Harriet: How did you know?
Sirk: I have many gifts, and unfortunately for you, I just need one more. (Harriet pulls away from him. He creates an energy ball. Piper appears beside Harriet.) Oh, no, you can’t interfere. You’re neutral.
Piper: You’re right. I can’t. But they can.
(Phoebe and Paige orb in behind Sirk. Sirk turns around and Phoebe kicks him in the face. He falls to the floor. Phoebe and Paige go over to Harriet.)
Paige: It’s okay. You’re gonna be alright.
(Paige orbs Phoebe and Harriet out. Sirk stands up.)
Sirk: So how did you…
Piper: Know? I saw her name on the list. (The list appears in a puff of smoke in Piper’s hand.) But it’s not there anymore.
Sirk: It will be again. One way or another.
(Sirk shimmers out. Piper looks at the list and “Phoebe Halliwell” appears at the top of the To Die column.)
[Scene: Magic School. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there.]
Phoebe: Wait, so now you don’t want me to help you vanquish the demon? I don’t understand.
Piper: Phoebe, that’s not the issue.
Phoebe: Names come and go off that list all the time. Harriet’s did. So what’s the big deal?
Piper: The big deal is sometimes the names don’t come off the list.
Phoebe: Well, ours does.
Piper: Not always.
(Leo walks in.)
Paige: How’s it going?
Leo: She’s resting. It’s a lot to swallow. Your husband’s dead, magic exists, and by the way, a demon’s after you. How you guys holding up here?
Piper: Fine. Once Phoebe realises that she’s better off here where she’s safe.
Paige: Oh, here they go again.
Phoebe: We’ve cheated death before, Piper. So why can’t we do it again?
Piper: Because we can’t this time. I can’t.
Paige: Maybe you should just listen to her.
Phoebe: Maybe she should focus on collecting the souls so her death isn’t permanent.
Piper: This is going nowhere.
(Piper starts to leave.)
Leo: Where are you going?
Piper: I’m not in the mood to lose another sister.
Phoebe: So what’s our next move?
Paige: Our next move is for you to stay here because you are on top of the list, you have no active powers, and Leo and I are just going to go take care of the demon. Honey, you just need to accept it.
(Paige and Leo orb out.)
[Scene: Hospital. Piper is standing there. Angel of Death appears.]
Piper: I’m not doing this anymore. I give up. I quit.
Angel of Death: You can’t quit, Piper. Not until you catch up.
Piper: You can’t make me take my sister’s soul. I won’t do it.
Angel of Death: We don’t get to decide who lives or dies. Only circumstances can change someone’s fate.
Piper: Well, then I won’t collect any more souls. I’ll go on strike.
Angel of Death: So to save your sister, you would threaten to stop all death.
Piper: You got it.
Angel of Death: That’s rather selfish of you, don’t you think? Unless, of course, you think that death is pointless.
Piper: Well, I…
Angel of Death: It’s not, you know. Far from it. Life only has meaning specifically because there is an end. Death is what forces people to live.
Piper: Yes, but…
Angel of Death: Which means that ending death effectively ends life, throws off the entire cosmic design, the whole point, and for what? A single fleeting life? This is bigger than your sister, Piper. Much bigger.
[Scene: Underworld. Seer’s Cave. The Seer and Sirk are there.]
Sirk: The sisters had Death’s list. They knew who I was trying to kill.
Seer: And you knew about the woman’s unborn child. Foreknowledge is a bitch sometimes.
Sirk: But it didn’t help me. I’m so close to losing this foul human soul, but the Charmed Ones still thwart me.
Seer: Well, they are the Charmed Ones, and they’re pretty good with the thwarting.
Sirk: I want to peel the flesh from their bones while they still live.
Seer: Okay, just because we’re demons doesn’t mean we always have to be so eww.
Sirk: Just tell me how to defeat them.
Seer: And you’ll stop with the gross flesh peely talk? Because there is an old Seer’s trick that might be able to help you here.
Sirk: Oh, like you helped last time.
Seer: Hey, premonitions don’t come with a guarantee, okay? Do you want my help or not? See. Whenever someone knows the future, you can always get the drop on them by knowing the future too. (She waves her hand over the pool and it ripples.) So you can change it.
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige and Leo are there. Paige is making a potion. Piper appears.]
Piper: Where’s Phoebe?
Paige: She’s back at Magic School.
Piper: But she’s still on my list, and she’s next.
Leo: What happened with the Angel of Death?
Piper: He’s stubborn. Did you find Sirk?
Paige: No, he found us. Telepathically. He wants to call a truce.
Piper: It’s a trap. We need to keep Phoebe at magic school long enough…
(Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: It’s too late.
Piper: Phoebe? What are you doing here?
Phoebe: Remembering what we’re all about.
Piper: What we’re all about is keeping you alive.
Phoebe: Not at the expense of an innocent.
Piper: Phoebe, this death thing might not be very real to you, but it is very real to me. I’ve seen it. I am it.
Phoebe: Piper, we’ve all seen it, and it’s never stopped us before.
Piper: That’s before we knew you were next on the list. Why are you not listening to me? I’m trying to save you.
Phoebe: Because this isn’t just about me. Look, I don’t wanna die, but I’m not gonna sit around and wait for an innocent to die either. And I think that’s why I needed to take that sabbatical. To remind myself of that. (Piper disappears.) Are you finished with the vanquishing potion?
Paige: Well, yeah, but…
Phoebe: Paige, he doesn’t know we know. We’re gonna use this to our advantage. When he focuses on me, you just focus on him.
[Scene: Alley. Sirk is waiting there. Phoebe and Leo orb in.)
Sirk: Interesting. I was expecting more of a family affair, like, perhaps your other sister.
Phoebe: You wanted to discuss a truce? Discuss.
Sirk: Alright. Here’s the offer. You give me my cousin’s wife, and I won’t kill you.
Phoebe: That’s it? That’s your offer, huh? No deal. Forget it.
Sirk: In that case, I guess I’ll just have to kill… (He turns around and shoots a lighting bolt at Paige.) Her. (Phoebe and Leo run over to Paige. Leo tries to heal her.) Didn’t see that coming, did you?
Phoebe: Why isn’t it working?
Leo: We’re too late.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
(Piper appears. Paige’s soul rises out of her body. She stands next to Piper.)
Paige: What’s going on? Why am I in this?
Phoebe: Piper, do something.
Piper: I can’t.
[Scene: Alley. Continued from before.]
Phoebe: Piper, you can’t do this. You can’t take her.
Piper: Do you think I want to take her? I don’t have a choice.
Phoebe: Yes, you do. Just don’t take her. Take me instead.
Leo: That’s not how it works, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I was on the list.
Piper: Circumstances changed.
Phoebe: Yeah, because I changed them. It’s not her fault.
Piper: It’s not anybody’s fault.
(Piper and Paige appear in the ghostly plane.)
Paige: This isn’t good, right?
Piper: I’m so sorry, Paige. It’s much easier if you just let go.
(The vortex opens up. They walk towards it.)
Paige: Where does that go?
Piper: To where you’re supposed to go. Don’t be afraid. I’ll be with you the whole way.
[Cut to Phoebe and Leo.]
Phoebe: Oh, god, this can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. (Phoebe receives a premonition. In the premonition, Harriet is running from Sirk.) I think I just had a premonition.
Leo: What? How?
Phoebe: I don’t know. I must have earned back my powers somehow, or at least one of them. (Phoebe takes a potion out of Paige’s hand.) We have to save Harriet.
[Scene: Magic School. Sirk and Harriet are there.]
Harriet: How did you get in here? She told me it was…
Sirk: Protected. Oh, it is. From demons, not witches. That’s just another little gift I picked up when I killed one of the sisters, uh… Paige, I think her name was. (He creates an energy ball.) Do say hello to her for me, won’t you? (Phoebe and Leo orb in behind Sirk. Phoebe throws the potion at Sirk and he is engulfed in flames. Harriet runs over to Phoebe and Leo. Sirk turns back to his human self.) I’m human!
(He falls to the floor, dead. Angel of Death appears.)
Angel of Death: Interesting how our paths keep crossing, isn’t it?
(Kevin’s soul rises out of his body.)
Sirk: What happened?
Angel of Death: Come.
Phoebe: Ah-ah-ah! Not so fast. I want Paige’s soul back.
Angel of Death: Sorry. You know the rules.
Phoebe: Yeah, I do, better than you think. Check your list. He’s not on it. (His list appears in his hand.) We changed the circumstances.
Angel of Death: First, you want to stop a soul from moving on, and now you want to add one.
Leo: Not add. Trade. His soul for Paige’s.
Angel of Death: This is unprecedented.
Sirk: What? No, you can’t do that.
Phoebe: Keeps your precious cosmic balance in order, doesn’t it? What have you got to lose?
Sirk: You can’t be taking her seriously.
Phoebe: Dude, you’re dead. Start acting the part.
Angel of Death: This has been quite a remarkable day. Even for me.
Phoebe: So what do you say? Do we have a deal?
[Cut to Piper and Paige. They are standing in front of the vortex.]
Paige: Piper. I have something to tell you.
Paige: You know that brown suede coat? You thought you lost it but, um, it’s in my closet. And those earrings you liked. I borrowed them and I never gave them back.
Piper: You’re stalling.
Paige: I know. But you can’t blame a girl for trying.
(Angel of Death and Sirk appear behind them.)
Angel of Death: I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Your sister made a trade. (The Angel of Death hits Sirk and he flies into the vortex. The vortex closes.) See you.
(The Angel of Death disappears.)
[Cut to the alley. Paige’s body is still laying on the ground. Her fingers twitch and Paige wakes up.]
[Cut to the hospital. Morgue. Several bodies are laying on gurneys covered with sheets. One body moves and sits up and pulls the sheet from their face. It’s Piper.]
(She gasps when she sees Agent Brody sitting in the corner.)
Agent Brody: Talk about your miracle recoveries.
Piper: What are you doing here?
Agent Brody: Confirming my suspicions. Confirming that magic really does exist, even though I don’t quite understand it yet.
Piper: What do you want?
Agent Brody: I want to help you get out of this mess. I want to tell the local authorities that you were working undercover for me to help solve the chaplain murder. I want to tell them that I asked you to fake your own death.
Piper: What’s the catch?
Agent Brody: The catch is that I’m going to need your help with something even greater. I’ll be in touch.
[Scene: Manor. Outside. Leslie walks up the stairs and reaches out to press the doorbell. He stops.]
Les: Oh, forget this. (He walks back down the stairs and Phoebe walks towards him.) You didn’t just see all that, did you?
(She smiles and nods.)
Phoebe: It’s okay. It’s probably what I looked like yesterday at the elevator.
Les: Good. So we’re even?
Phoebe: Even. So…
Les: So, let me get this straight. Your sister owns a nightclub, but she also moonlights as a government agent?
Phoebe: Yeah. Kinda weird, huh?
Les: And how often does she do that?
Phoebe: Oh, not-not often at all. I mean, you know, that was just a one time thing, very unique situation.
Les: Well, at least that explains why that Fed was looking for you and why you weren’t broken up when I came to see you.
Phoebe: Yeah, I wanted to tell you, but I…
Les: No, look, I-I understand.
Phoebe: And I really appreciate you coming by to see if I was okay. That was sweet.
Les: I care about you, Phoebe. A lot.
Phoebe: I like you too. I, uh, I just don’t know where we go from here.
Les: Neither do I. Maybe we should just see where it takes us.
Phoebe: I’d like that.
(She hugs him.)
[Cut to inside the Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Leo and the kids are there. Leo sits next to Piper on the wicker seat.]
Leo: Want anything?
Piper: No. Just this.
(She snuggles close to Leo and they watch their children.)