Written by: Constance M. Burge
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 2, Episode 03
Episode Number: 25
[Scene: Bucklands. Prue’s office. Prue and a woman are there. Prue is looking at a painting and talking into a tape recorder.]
Prue: Painting of a gothic castle, artist unknown, circa 1910s. Oil on canvas, 10-by-18. Miss Franklin, where did you say you got this?
Miss Franklin: I inherited it a few months ago. But it’s been in my family for generations.
Prue: The composition is so unusual. The artist used pure colour straight from the tube and then varnished each layer over and…
Miss Franklin: I’m sorry for interrupting. But do I really need to be here?
Prue: No, of course not. It’s just that most people prefer to be at an appraisal, especially when they plan on selling the piece.
Miss Franklin: It’s just that I’m kind of in a hurry.
Prue: Say no more. (She hands her a sheet of paper.) Just sign at the bottom, and you are free to go.
Miss Franklin: Thank you. (She signs the paper.) So how long do you think it’ll take to sell it?
Prue: Well, I’ll need to see ownership records before I can do anything.
Miss Franklin: I’ll send you everything I have. So is that all then?
Prue: Uh, no, since you definitely want to sell the piece, I’ll need to confirm its authenticity, its physical condition. (She hands her another sheet of paper.) So if you’ll just sign at the bottom, that will let us go ahead and x-ray the piece.
Miss Franklin: Done. Anything else?
Prue: Well, yes, Miss Franklin. I would really like the time to research this. That way I can get you the best price.
Miss Franklin: Look, I appreciate your professionalism. I really do. But I’m not interested in getting the best price. I just want you to sell that painting as soon as you can, all right? Good night, Miss Halliwell.
(They shake hands.)
Prue: Good night.
(Miss Franklin leaves.)
[Scene: An Office Building. Phoebe is talking on the phone, heading towards an elevator.]
Phoebe: Piper, it was an accident. It’s not like I borrowed Prue’s car so I could drive it into a pole.
Piper: How bad’s the damage?
Phoebe: Not bad, but maybe expensive, which is why I need a favour.
Piper: If you’re calling to borrow money, I don’t have any.
Phoebe: No, it’s not about money. It’s just… I don’t want you to tell Prue. She’s been so supportive, and I don’t want to lose her trust again.
Piper: You mean you haven’t told her?
Phoebe: Well, not yet, but I have a plan.
Piper: Phoebe, you have to tell her. It’s her car and you don’t have the money to fix it.
Phoebe: But I will have the money to fix it. I’m at this company called Web San Francisco. It’s an interactive network on the internet. And I faxed them my résumé this morning, and they wanna meet with me tonight.
Piper: I’ve got to go, but Phoebe, I don’t want to be in the middle of this. Just tell her, okay?
Phoebe: If I don’t get the job, I will tell her. (Phoebe hangs up. She walks into a room full of people wearing suits. She walks up to a desk.) Hello, I’m Phoebe Halliwell. I have an appointment. (The woman behind the desk hands her a clipboard.) Thanks. All these people, they’re here for the interview too, aren’t they?
Secretary: Well, you won’t have any trouble with this if you figured that out. It’s an aptitude test. You can finish it at home.
Phoebe: Great. Great.
(Phoebe sits down beside two people.)
Man #1: So you won a fellowship from the National Science Foundation?
Woman #1 When I was at Harvard, yeah. How’d you know?
Man #1: I saw it on your résumé. I was cum laude also. Except I was a Ford Foundation scholar.
Woman #1: So then you must have gone to Stanford?
Secretary: Stanford? I went to Stanford.
Man #1: (to Phoebe) Intimidating, isn’t it?
Phoebe: The Good Will Huntings or this aptitude test?
Man #1: Oh, who cares about linear algebra or differential? And that test is a snap. I mean, in this day and age, who can’t write in the HTML and numeric languages, right?
Phoebe: Right. Yeah. (He hands the man beside her the clipboard.) That’s for you.
(Phoebe leaves the room.)
[Scene: Bucklands. Prue’s office. Prue is sitting at her desk. A light flickers in the castle window in the painting. Prue notices it.]
Prue: What? (She grabs a magnifying glass and has a closer look at the painting. She sees a man inside the castle. A fireball flies past him.) Oh!
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue and Piper are there.]
Prue: At first I just thought that it was a reflection off of something in the room but then when I moved closer, I saw a man, inside the painting, in the castle. Right, but the moment I saw him, he backed away from the window. And then there was this strange glow that went past the window again. It was just so… (Piper is sorting through some papers, not paying much attention.) Piper?
Prue: We were talking?
Piper: I know, about a man in a painting. Listen to this one. “Hallway near club entrance too narrow.”
Prue: I thought that we had discussed your code violations.
Piper: Well, I keep finding more. The plumbing, the electrical, the heating. It… none of it is up code.
Prue: Stop. You’re obsessing.
Piper: Well, it runs in the family.
Prue: I don’t obsess. I think… intensely. Anyway, I can’t really help it. I mean, we’ve seen so many bizarre things, why not a man in a painting?
Piper: Well, at least he’s safe from building inspectors. I can’t imagine that castle’s up to code.
(Phoebe walks in carrying the Book of Shadows.)
Phoebe: I’m sorry, but I couldn’t find anything in the Book of Shadows about people who may be trapped inside paintings. I looked everywhere.
Piper: Hey, you were asleep by the time I got home. How did your interview go?
Phoebe: It went fine. Uh, actually, it’s still going. I have to finish this take-home aptitude test, which I actually think I will start right now. So I will see you guys later.
(Phoebe starts to leave.)
Prue: Uh, Phoebe?
Prue: Aren’t you forgetting something? My car keys?
Phoebe: They’d be with your car… which is at the body shop having an estimate.
Prue: An estimate?
Phoebe: Yeah, uh, I bumped… No, actually I backed your car into a pole last night.
Prue: A pole? You hit a pole?
Phoebe: Yeah, you don’t even have to say it. I know what you’re thinking. How could I be so irresponsible? How could I be so stupid?
Prue: Okay, irresponsible, yes. Stupid, no way. Where’s that coming from?
Phoebe: It’s coming from the fact that I’m the youngest sister, the one who always makes mistakes. The one who always causes problems. I mean, if anybody were gonna back your car into a pole and not tell you right away, it’d be me, right?
Piper: I think I’ll just be going now.
Phoebe: See? Even the middle sister, the one that’s supposed to stay neutral when it comes to family problems checks out on this one.
Piper: Yes, you’re right. You’re on your own.
Prue: Well, leave me out of it too. I don’t want to argue with you. I just want to find a cab.
Phoebe: Well, whatever it costs, I will pay for the damages. And whatever the cab costs, I will pay for that too.
Prue: What just happened here?
Piper: I don’t know anything about anything. I’m gonna go see Dan.
Prue: Piper! Just forget about the car. What about the man in the painting?
Piper: Well, unless he’s real and screaming for help, forget about him. We shouldn’t go looking for trouble. We have enough around here. I’m going next door.
(She leaves the kitchen.)
[Cut to outside Dan’s house. Piper walks up and picks up his paper. She walks up the stairs and fixes her hair. Dan opens the door.]
Dan: Good morning.
Piper: I’m sorry to bother you.
Dan: No, you’re not bothering me. Unless you refuse to hand over my paper.
Piper: Oh, all yours.
(She hands him the paper.)
Dan: Thanks. Uh, you wanna come in?
Piper: No, no, really, I just stopped by to ask a quick favour. My club received a visit from a DBI last night.
Dan: And you’ve got code violations.
Piper: I have the War and Peace of code violations.
(She hands him a folder.)
Dan: And you were thinking what? Neighbour Dan, he’s in construction, maybe he could help, huh?
Piper: Of course I’d pay you something.
(Jenny comes to the front door.)
Jenny: Uncle Dan, I’m late. Oh, hey, Piper.
Piper: Hi Jenny.
Jenny: See you later, Uncle Dan. And don’t forget your promise.
(Jenny leaves the house.)
Dan: Okay, then, um, I’ll tell you what I can do. I’ll check out the code violations, see how serious they really are. If you’ll help me with the promise I made Jenny.
Piper: Deal. Wait, what’s the promise?
Dan: She needs help with a paper. It’s for bio class. You know, something with the human reproductive system.
Piper: Oh, you mean sex.
Dan: It’s just way too awkward for me to talk to my niece about.
Piper: Yeah. (Piper laughs.) Sure, not to worry, I have plenty of experience.
Dan: Really? With sex?
Piper: No, I mean, talking about it. Yeah.
[Scene: Bucklands. Prue’s Office. Prue and Miss Franklin are there.]
Miss Franklin: So was there a problem with any of the ownership records that I sent over?
Prue: No, everything’s in order.
Miss Franklin: Then I’m not sure why you wanted to meet with me.
Prue: Look, Miss Franklin, I know that you don’t really want to be here, so I’ll just be perfectly honest. There’s something strange about that painting.
Miss Franklin: Have you seen him?
Miss Franklin: That’s how it all starts, you know.
Prue: What do you mean?
Miss Franklin: At first, you see him… the man inside the painting. At least, you think you see him. But he just… he disappears so fast. And you start to think about it, but it doesn’t make any sense. I mean, how could a man be inside a painting? Then you see him again. This time longer. And now you’re sure.
Prue: So you think that the painting is haunted by a ghost?
Miss Franklin: Oh, no, no. I think he’s definitely alive. I think he’s trapped inside.
Prue: Do you know who he is?
Miss Franklin: No, I have no idea. Nobody does. Look, all I know is if I don’t get rid of that painting, I’m gonna end up just like everybody else in my family who’s ever owned it. I’m gonna be completely insane.
Prue: Miss Franklin.
Miss Franklin: No, you’ve only seen the beginning, Miss Halliwell. Just trust me when I tell you. It’s only gonna get worse.
(Miss Franklin leaves the office.)
[Scene: Manor. Phoebe’s bedroom. Phoebe is sitting on her bed with the Book of Shadows in front of her. She is writing a spell on a piece of paper.]
Phoebe: Spirits send the words from all…
(There’s a knock at the door.)
Piper’s Voice: It’s me. Can I come in?
Phoebe: Uh, Piper, I really just wanna be alone right now.
Piper’s Voice: I won’t stay long, promise.
Phoebe: All right, just give me a sec. (She hides the Book of Shadows under a blanket.) Okay, you can come in now.
(The door opens and Piper walks in.)
Piper: I just wanted to tell you the body shop called.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I heard the message. 1200 bucks
Piper: Did you tell Prue?
Phoebe: I didn’t have to. She already knew. She called the body shop herself. That’s why I have got to get this job, Piper. It’s the only way that I can pay for the damages. It’s the only way that I can make things right.
Piper: All the more reason you should’ve just told her.
Phoebe: Okay, well, maybe a smarter person would’ve figured that out. Then again, a smart person wouldn’t have backed a car into a pole. A smart person would’ve realised that it was a $1200 pole. That’s because smart people don’t do stupid things, only stupid people do.
Piper: Phoebe, I didn’t mean to upset you.
Phoebe: I know. Maybe we should just talk later.
Piper: Okay. You’re sure you’re gonna be okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, why?
Piper: Phoebe, I know you think getting this job is the answer, but please just don’t do anything…
Phoebe: What? Stupid?
Piper: No. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Phoebe: Don’t worry, I won’t. (Piper leaves the room.) You would never cast a smart spell. (Phoebe pulls out the Book of Shadows from under the blanket. She reads out her spell.) For 24 hours, from 7 to 7, I will understand all meaning of the words from here to heaven. (She folds up the paper and holds it against her head.) “Spirits, send the words from all across the land, allow me to absorb them through the touch of either hand, for 24 hours, from 7 to 7, I will understand all meaning of the words from here to heaven.” Oh, and P.S., there will be no personal gain. (She grabs a dictionary and opens it. She holds her hands above it and the pages flip from A to Z.) Abaca, strong fibre obtained from a banana leaf. Zygote, a cell formed by the union of two gametes. Cool.
[Scene: Bucklands. Prue’s Office. Prue is sitting at her desk. Joe walks in with the painting.]
Prue: Hey, Joe, that was fast.
Joe: No line at the x-ray machine.
Prue: So did the x-ray confirm its authenticity?
Joe: It did a lot more than that. Check out the x-ray. It’s got definitive underwriting on the canvas.
Prue: It has a pentimento?
Joe: Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. But you can see it on the x-ray. The text is in Latin. I’ve never seen anything like it before.
(Prue places the x-ray on a light.)
Prue: “Absolvo Amitto Amplus Brevis.” To free what is lost say these words.
Joe: Wow, you speak Latin?
Prue: Yes. Good night, Joe.
Joe: Okay. Well, why don’t I just return the painting to the vault, say tomorrow?
Prue: Good idea.
(Joe leaves the room. Prue sees the light inside the painting again. She grabs a magnifying glass and has a closer look. She sees “Help” written on a window.)
Prue: “Help.” Okay. (She goes back to the x-ray.) “Semper Mea.” Mine forever. “Absolvo amitto amplus brevis. Semper mea.” (She starts to get sucked into the painting.) Oh, no. (She gets sucked in.) Oh!
[Cut to inside the castle. Prue appears and falls to the floor. She looks around.]
[Scene: Inside the Painting. Castle. Prue runs to a door and tries to open it. She hears a noise.]
Prue: Who’s there?
(A fireball flies across the room. Prue screams and ducks. A man runs up to her.)
Malcolm: Quick, follow me!
Malcolm: This way. Ladies first. (The run into a corner.) I see you read Latin too.
Prue: Okay, what has happened? Where am I?
Malcolm: You’re in the castle.
Prue: Where is that?
Malcolm: Inside a painting
Prue: I’m trapped inside a painting?
Malcolm: Yes, and if you don’t get to that bookcase, you’re dead.
Prue: Who are you?
Malcolm: My name’s Malcolm, and you were supposed to help me, not join me. Who are you anyway?
Prue: My name is Prue, and I was helping you. You were supposed to come out.
Malcolm: Great, now we’re both trapped. Hurry!
(They run over to a bookcase. A fireball heads straight for Prue and she flings it out of the way with her power.)
Malcolm: What the hell? What are you? How’d you do that?
Prue: Oh, okay, never mind. We’re gonna get killed. Will you hurry up?
(Malcolm pulls on a book and the bookcase opens. They go into a room behind the bookcase.)
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. The next morning. Phoebe is sitting at the table. Piper walks in.]
Piper: Hi, Phoebe. You’re up early. What’s up?
Phoebe: Oh, the Dow Jones, housing prices and space shuttle Discovery.
Phoebe: Read the paper.
Piper: Oh. Have you seen Prue this morning?
Phoebe: Not yet. Oh, Dan just called, said he’d meet you at the club at noon.
Piper: Okay. Um, did you hear her come in last night?
Piper: This is really strange. Cat hasn’t been fed, no coffee’s been made. (She looks in the fridge.) And Prue definitely didn’t pack a lunch.
Phoebe: Maybe she’s still asleep.
Piper: No, I checked her room. Her bed hasn’t been slept in.
Phoebe: Maybe she didn’t come home from the office last night.
(Piper picks up the phone and dials.)
Piper: No, it’s her voice mail. What if Prue’s right about the painting? What if something’s happened?
Phoebe: First off, 63% of all adults believed to be missing show up within 24 hours. An auto accident is unlikely, 1.2%. Even less likely for work-related accidents. Factor in her good health, a life expectancy of 78.5 years, add her defensive powers of telekinesis, and we are looking at the odds of… less than 4.1%. No, actually, make that less than 3.3%. I forgot that the Book of Shadows had zip on evil artwork.
Piper: What’s wrong with you?
Piper: No, you are like Ask-Rain-Man.com. You haven’t been in the Book of Shadows, have you?
Phoebe: No. Why would I do that?
Piper: All right, I don’t have time for this. I’m gonna go to Bucklands.
Phoebe: What about Dan? You’re supposed to meet him at the club.
Piper: Damn it.
Phoebe: Do you like him? Is that the vibe that I’m getting right now?
Piper: No, don’t be ridiculous.
Piper: Just do me a favour and go in my place. And then you can give me all the details later.
Phoebe: Like what he was wearing?
(Piper leaves the kitchen.)
[Scene: Inside the Painting. Castle. Prue and Malcolm are in the room behind the bookcase. Malcolm is standing across the room holding a cloth up to his head. He is holding a candlestick in his other hand, using it as a weapon.]
Prue: You can’t just stand there another 12 hours and not let me help you. You’re hurt.
Malcolm: Stay where you are. I hate witches.
Prue: How many times do I have to tell you that I’m a good witch? Although, if you make me say that again, I just may hurt you. Look, I was trying to save you.
Malcolm: Well, you did a great job.
Prue: The last thing that I expected was to get stuck here.
Malcolm: So I guess your powers can’t get us out then, huh?
Prue: No. I can’t just lift us from another world. So if we’re gonna get out, we’re gonna have to work together. Just let me help you. I won’t turn you into a toad. I promise. (He puts down the candlestick.) Thank you. (She walks over to him.) May I? (She looks at the wound on his forehead.) Doesn’t look too bad. At least the bleeding has…
Prue: So why do you hate witches so much?
Malcolm: It’s how I got trapped in here. The artist that painted this was a witch. She was my girlfriend.
Prue: You dated a witch?
Malcolm: What, you’ve never dated a mortal?
Prue: Huh, I wonder…
(She touches his wound again.)
Prue: Oh, sorry. Go on.
Malcolm: Fine. Nell and I, we broke up, and she wrote a curse in Latin.
Prue: To free what is lost.
Malcolm: Right. And she painted the castle over it, made sure I got the painting. It was the only way she could trick me and trap me inside. It worked.
Prue: So how did you see the underwriting?
Malcolm: Same way as you probably.
Prue: An x-ray. You must have really pissed Nell off.
Malcolm: Well, that would explain why I haven’t aged since I got here and the fireballs.
Prue: How long have you been running from them?
Malcolm: What year is it?
Malcolm: It’s been 70 years.
Prue: Wait a second. You’ve been stuck here trying to get help for 70 years?
Malcolm: It’s not the typical life of an art historian, is it?
Prue: Well, I won’t be here that long. I mean, I have 2 sisters, and we all have powers. If anybody can find a way out, it’s us.
[Scene: P3. Phoebe and Dan walk in. Phoebe is wearing a hard hat.]
Phoebe: Dan, sorry to keep you waiting.
Dan: I didn’t realise you were late.
Phoebe: Oh, 11 minutes, 23.4 seconds, to be exact. Those the code violations?
Dan: That and the DBI’s codebook of minimum safety requirements.
Phoebe: Okay, then we’re all set. I think you’ll find me pretty knowledgeable about all areas of construction.
Dan: What about Piper?
Phoebe: Oh, something came up. She can’t be here. Sorry, buddy.
[Scene: Bucklands. Prue’s office. Piper walks in.]
Piper: Prue? (She looks around the room and sees her jacket and purse sitting on the table. She picks up the x-ray.) “Absolvo amitto amplus brevis.”
(Joe walks in.)
Joe: Oh, hey, Piper. Joe Lyons? We met at a wine auction a few months ago?
Joe: Uh, Prue around?
Piper: She’s… she’s somewhere.
Joe: I won’t get in your way. I just need to pick up the painting.
Piper: Oh, forgive me, Joe.
Joe: For what?
(She freezes him.)
Piper: For that.
[Cut to the castle. Prue and Malcolm are standing in front of the bookcase.]
Malcolm: That’s your plan? Are you outta your mind?
Prue: My sisters are gonna realise I’m missing soon. I have to let them know where I am and warn them.
Malcolm: It’s too dangerous. You’ll die.
Prue: I don’t have any another choice. All right, my sisters could make the same mistake I did and get sucked into this painting. Okay, corner, now.
(They run to the corner.)
Malcolm: And how will seeing your name…
Prue: And the name Nell.
Malcolm: Yes, written on a window, prevent that from happening?
Prue: Okay, because my sisters will think that it’s a clue, so they’ll look up the name Nell in our Book of Shadows and hopefully they’ll find a solution. Are you ready? Go! (They run behind a table.) Okay, tell me how you write help on the window without getting creamed by the fireball.
Malcolm: You mean you don’t know how you’re gonna do it?
Prue: You’re the expert.
Malcolm: Are you crazy? It took me years to get those messages written on the window. I’ve got the scars to prove it. What about your powers?
Prue: All right, fine. I’ll deflect the fireballs. You write the names.
Malcolm: Be careful near the window.
Prue: Why? What’s wrong with the window? (The castle starts to shake.) Oh, okay, what’s happening?
Malcolm: The painting, it’s being moved. And it’s moving fast. Get back to the chamber.
Prue: No way, I’m going to that window.
Malcolm: It’s too dangerous. We gotta get out of here.
[Cut to Bucklands. Piper is carrying the painting to an elevator.]
Piper: Hold the elevator, please.
[Cut to the Painting. Castle. Prue and Malcolm fall to the floor. They crawl under a table.]
Prue: I really wanted to get my name and Nell’s on that window.
Malcolm: And you can as soon as the painting’s stopped moving. Just stay low.
(Malcolm looks at Prue.)
Malcolm: Nothing, I was just… Never mind.
Prue: No, what?
Malcolm: Well, I always hoped someone would get my SOS. I just never thought it would be a woman.
Prue: What, a woman can’t rescue a man?
Malcolm: I’m still waiting.
Prue: Yeah, well, keep waiting, pal. Bookcase!
(They run over to the bookcase.)
[Scene: Manor. Living Room. The TV is on. Phoebe is on the phone.]
Phoebe: Hello, this is Phoebe Halliwell, and I’d like to set up an appointment to return my aptitude test. (Piper walks in with the painting.) By 5 tomorrow? Great. Bye. (She hangs up.) Oh, Piper, good news. I spoke to Dan. He will have your estimate ready by tomorrow.
Piper: We got bigger problems than code violations.
Phoebe: Prue wasn’t at Bucklands?
Piper: No, but it was clearly the last place she was before she disappeared. I take it you haven’t heard from her?
Phoebe: Not a word. Okay, now I’m worried.
Piper: Check out this x-ray I found at her office. I think it may have something to do with her disappearing. And we don’t have a lot of time either. It won’t be long before everyone at Bucklands realises that she is gone and the painting is gone.
Phoebe: Oh, the final match.
(She turns up the volume on the TV.)
TV Show Host: (on TV) Primarily concerned with blood…
Contestant: (on TV) Haematology.
TVShow Host: (on TV) Yes. Oona Chaplin, the wife of Charlie Chaplin, was the daughter of what famous…?
Phoebe: Eugene O’Neill.
Contestant: (on TV) O’Neill.
TV Show Host: (on TV) Yes. What country now occupies the peninsula once known as Asia Minor?
Contestant: (on TV) Turkey.
TV Show Host: (on TV) Yes. Basketball player turned poli…
(Piper grabs the remote and turns off the TV.)
Piper: How is that you know all the answers?
Phoebe: What? I could know about medicine, American playwrights, and that Asia Minor is now called Turkey.
Piper: No, you couldn’t. You have cast a spell, haven’t you?
Phoebe: I wanted to be able to get Prue’s car fixed. And this job was the only way that I could do it.
Piper: Phoebe, what kind of spell?
Phoebe: All I had to do was ace an aptitude test which, by the way, I’m sure I have.
Phoebe: Okay. It’s a smart spell. And before you freak out, it’s only temporary. It’ll be over by 7:00 tonight.
Piper: It doesn’t matter when it ends. We’re not allowed to cast personal gain spells. You know that.
Phoebe: Yeah, I do know that, but it’s not. I even put that in myself, no personal gain.
Piper: There will be consequences. There always are.
Phoebe: I don’t care. It’s worth it. Piper, you were not at that job interview surrounded by all those college graduates. You don’t know how good it feels to be really smart. Smart people are respected, taken seriously. And really smart women, forget about it. Then again, you probably do know what I’m talking about. You have a four-year degree.
Piper: So what? Phoebe, I will never have the kind of smarts you have, no matter what I do. But you, you can go back to collage. Say you did get this job. What would happen to it the moment your smart spell ended?
Phoebe: I thought I’d worry about that later.
(Phoebe heads for the stairs. Piper picks up the x-ray.)
Piper: Wait, what does this mean? “Absolvo amitto amplus brevis. Semper mea.” (Piper starts to get sucked into the painting.) Phoebe, help!
Phoebe: Piper, no!
(Piper gets sucked in.)
[Cut to inside the painting. Castle. Piper runs through the room screaming. A fireball chases her.]
(Prue flicks the fireball away with her power.)
Piper: What the hell is happening? Where are we?
Prue: All right, hurry. Just get to the bookcase fast.
(Piper heads for the bookcase.)
Prue: Watch out.
(Piper screams. A fireball heads straight for her. She freezes it. They run into the bookcase.)
Malcolm: Don’t tell me she’s the sister witch who was gonna save us.
[Scene: Inside the Painting. Castle. Prue, Piper and Malcolm are sitting in the room behind the bookcase.]
Piper: I don’t want to live forever. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trapped in a painting hanging on some wall, wearing a broken shoe.
Prue: Well, neither do I, but there is a solution.
Piper: You call that a solution, braving endless fireballs to get a message to Phoebe?
Prue: Okay, so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the situation is pretty bad.
Piper: No, but it may just take a rocket scientist to get us out of here. Phoebe.
Malcolm: Another witch sister?
Piper: Not any witch. A super witch. She’s a genius.
Prue: Piper, I don’t really think that you’re helping the situation.
Piper: No, I mean it. She’s a walking brain trust. An Einstein with cleavage. She cast a spell on herself, Prue. A smart spell.
Malcolm: Can she save us?
Piper: Forget the details, Prue. Just know that if anybody can get us out of here, it’s Phoebe. We need to get back to that living room, get Nell’s name on that window…
Prue: Piper, wait.
Piper: No, no, no, we can’t wait. It’s only temporary. The spell ends at 7 tonight.
[Scene: Manor. 6:15pm. Phoebe runs downstairs with the Book of Shadows. She sits down on the couch.]
Phoebe: Come on, come on, there’s got to be something. (Phoebe holds her hands above the Book and the pages start to flip. The doorbell rings.) Who is it?
Jenny’s Voice: It’s Jenny.
Phoebe: Uh, unless it’s a huge 911, sweetie, you’re gonna have to come back later.
(The doorbell rings again and Phoebe hides the book under the table.)
[Scene: Inside the Painting. Castle. Prue, Piper and Malcolm are out in the main room.]
Piper: If we get out of here alive, you own me a new pair of shoes.
Prue: If we get out of here alive, I’ll buy you the purse to match. Piper, left!
(Piper freezes a fireball.)
Piper: Forget the shoes. The next time you get a supernatural SOS…
Prue: I’ll take your advice and just ignore it.
Malcolm: Be careful near the window!
Prue: What’s wrong with the window?
(Large sword blades come out of the wall surrounding Piper.)
Prue: Are you okay?
Piper: Uh, for now. But I can’t reach the window because if I lean forward, I am sliced and diced.
(Prue uses her power to pull away the swords from around Piper.)
Prue: Piper, hurry. Don’t forget to write her name backwards, so Phoebe can read it from the outside. (Piper writes Nell on the window.) Come on.
(Piper runs away from the window.)
Piper: Good thing she had a short name. (Prue moves a frozen fireball in front of the window to light it up.) Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.
[Cut to the Manor. Parlor. Phoebe and Jenny are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: The human reproductive system? Wait. And your uncle wanted Piper to help you out with this?
Jenny: Yeah, but I was too embarrassed to tell him that I already know about sex. So I figured we could just hang out and watch some television. (Jenny sees the fireball in the window of the painting.) Hey, what’s that?
Phoebe: Uh, Jenny, will you go in there and grab me a pen, please? (She does so. Phoebe gets a magnifying glass and looks at the painting.) Nell?
(Jenny comes back in.)
Jenny: Is something wrong?
Phoebe: Uh, I’m not sure. Okay. (Writing on a sheet of paper.) The 23 chromosomes that make up the human genome system within the cell… (Jenny gives her a look.) It’s too complicated. Okay. (She scribbles that out and draws something.) Okey-dokey, you’re all set.
(She hands Jenny the sheet of paper.)
Phoebe: Bye, Jenny. (Phoebe pushes Jenny out the door. She goes back into the parlor and picks up the Book of Shadows. She holds her hands above the Book and the pages flip.) Nell, Nell, find me Nell. (The Book stops at a page.) Whoa, I am one super-smart witch. Okay, what do we have here? Latin. “In the 1920s, a witch named Nell tricked a powerful warlock into a painting with a hidden spell that only his power of x-ray vision could see.” Okay, I’m getting tired of talking to myself. How do I get my sisters out? Oh. “Verva omnes liberant”. Words free us all. “These words will free anyone trapped inside the painting.” Okay, but how do I get the words inside without getting trapped inside the painting myself? (Kit runs past.) No, I couldn’t.
[Cut to inside the Painting. Castle. In the room behind the bookcase.]
Prue: So maybe we should take shifts waiting for Phoebe outside the bookcase. I mean, we’ve been pretty safe there so far.
Malcolm: I’ll take the first shift.
Prue: I had a feeling you would.
(Malcolm leaves the room.)
Piper: What? What is it? What’s wrong?
Prue: I’ve been thinking about that witch who cursed Malcolm into the painting. I mean, it takes a lot of time and a high level of magic to create this world. Seems like an awfully big spell just to get revenge over a bad break up.
Piper: I agree.
Prue: And it was almost impossible for us, the Charmed Ones no less, to get that message on the window. Yet Malcolm, an art historian with absolutely no powers, was able to escape fireballs and those blades, to get his message on the window. I mean, I don’t know, Piper, it just… Something weird about all of this.
(They hear a noise outside and a cat meows.)
[Cut to the main room. Kit has appeared in the castle. Malcolm goes over to her.]
Malcolm: Here, kitty, kitty. (Kit hisses at him.) Here, kitty, kitty. (Malcolm picks her up.) What do we have here?
(He removes Kit’s collar which has a message stuck to it. Prue and Piper walk in.)
Piper: It is Kit.
Prue: What is she doing here?
Piper: Prue, look.
Malcolm: “Verva omnes…”
Prue: Piper, freeze him.
(She tries to freeze him but he blinks out before she can. He blinks back into the room.)
Malcolm: You’re too late. But you were right. Your sister Phoebe is one smart witch. Blinking allows me to be one place one moment and another the next.
(A fireball heads straight for them.)
Prue: Piper, look out.
(Piper freezes the fireball. Malcolm blinks out and blinks back in.)
(He disappears out of the castle.)
Prue: I thought he was an innocent. I thought he needed help.
Piper: I’m not talking to you, forever.
[Cut to the Manor. Parlor. Phoebe is there. Malcolm appears out of the painting.]
Malcolm: Thanks for freeing me, witch. Seventy years is a long time.
Phoebe: Seventy years? You’re a warlock, aren’t you?
Malcolm: Your sisters were right. You are a smart witch.
Phoebe: Where are they?
Malcolm: With the cat. (He holds up Kit’s collar.) The one with no collar. That was interesting. That was smart. Too smart for your own good.
Phoebe: So that woman who brought Prue the painting, she’s a warlock too?
Malcolm: Jane’s my lover. She’s been trying to get me out for years. She needed to find the Charmed Ones, you. It took her 70 years to do that.
Phoebe: We haven’t been around that long.
(She kicks him in the stomach and does a back flip.)
Phoebe: I read a Jeet Kune Do manual earlier today. I think that makes me a black belt. (He blinks out and blinks back in behind her. She kicks and punches him.) Actually, make that a seventh-degree black belt. I’m a master.
Malcolm: Not for long, you’re not. We’ll see how powerful you are, how smart you are when your spell ends at 7.
Phoebe: How do you know about that?
Malcolm: Tick-tock, Phoebe. Tick-tock.
(He blinks out.)
[Cut to outside the Manor. Malcolm blinks in. Miss Franklin runs up to him.]
Miss Franklin: Malcolm.
Jane: I thought I’d never seen you again. Come on, let’s get out of here.
Malcolm: Not yet, not yet. I have a little present for you.
Jane: Oh, you do? Where is it?
Malcolm: It’s inside the house. Something you’ve always wanted.
Jane: And what would that be?
Malcolm: The power of premonition.
Jane: And what would you get?
Malcolm: Revenge. And two more powers.
[Scene: Inside the Painting. Castle. Prue, Piper and Kit are there.]
Prue: Even if Phoebe is alive, she may not be for long.
Phoebe: Maybe she can figure out a way to save herself before he finds her.
Prue: Yeah, well, she better do it quick, it’s almost seven. Although, if anybody can do it, Phoebe can.
Piper: Yeah, even without the smart spell. I mean, putting that message on Kit’s collar, that’s very Phoebe. I would have never thought of it.
Prue: Neither would I. It was a great plan.
Piper: If we get out of here, I’m gonna buy her a new pair of shoes.
Prue: I’ll buy her the purse to match.
[Cut to the Manor. Phoebe opens the Book of Shadows.]
Phoebe: Now, the spell, it was three words in Latin. Question is, which three? (Phoebe holds her hands above the Book. The clock chimes. 7:00.) Oh, no. Come on, come on. Okay, it’s on the tip of my tongue. (She flips through the pages.) Uh… “Verva omnes…” Something. “Verva omnes… liber… liber… liberace!” No, it can’t be liberace. (She finds the page.) Oh, no. It’s in Latin. The spell is over, and I don’t understand Latin anymore.
(Malcolm blinks into the foyer.)
Malcolm: I told you I’d be back.
(He opens the door and Jane walks in.)
Jane: Hello, Phoebe. (She blows on her finger and a flame appears.) Say goodbye to your family.
(She lights the painting.)
Phoebe: No! (Malcolm grabs Phoebe.) “Absolvo amitto amplus brevis.”
Malcolm: The curse.
Phoebe: “Semper mea.”
(The three of them get sucked into the painting.)
[Cut to inside the Painting. Castle. Prue and Piper come out of the room behind the bookcase. Smoke is filling the room.]
Piper: The house is on fire?
Prue: Not the house, the painting. It’s gotta be Malcolm’s doing. He must be at the manor.
Piper: Phoebe, you’re alive.
Phoebe: Yeah. Let’s keep it that way.
(Malcolm and Jane appear.)
Prue: Malcolm? And Jane.
Phoebe: She’s a warlock.
Malcolm: You stupid witch. Now you and your sisters are gonna end up burning to death.
(Malcolm searches his pockets.)
Phoebe: Looking for this? (She holds up Kit’s collar.) Freeze them. (Piper freezes Malcolm and Jane.) Where’s Kit?
Piper: There she is, there she is.
Prue: Okay. (Prue picks up Kit.) I can’t believe we almost forgot her.
Phoebe: Verva omnes liberant!
(They disappear. The painting burns with Malcolm and Jane inside.)
[Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there. Prue is putting out the fire with the fire extinguisher.]
Prue: You know, I didn’t want them to die. I just wanted them trapped in that house forever.
Phoebe: Bright side, you won’t have to worry about any complaints from the owner of the painting.
Piper: And you’ll never have to worry about anyone else getting a supernatural mayday from it.
Phoebe:: Yeah, well, thanks for getting ours, Phoebe.
Piper: Hey, how did you get the collar from Malcolm?
Phoebe: Oh, I used a very complex, very different kind of smarts.
Prue: You picked his pocket.
Phoebe: I picked his pocket.
Phoebe: What? He was a warlock. Smartest thing I’ve ever done.
[Scene: P3. Piper and Dan are sitting at the bar. Piper is reading a sheet of paper.]
Piper: A new heating and cooling system, retrofitting, imported pre-stressed I-Beams, architectural flooring. Your estimate requires a quarter of a million dollars and a crew of 75. I gotta tell you, Dan, I’m not feeling real guilty about not helping Jenny with that paper.
Dan: Well, actually, those were Phoebe’s suggestions.
Piper: Phoebe. (She laughs.) Can you fix it cheap and fix it quick?
Dan: In a couple of days, sure.
Piper: Great, you’re hired. You can take that with you.
(Dan walks over to Prue and Phoebe who are sitting on the lounge chairs, giggling.)
Dan: Hey, Prue.
Dan: You got a minute?
Phoebe: Uh, yeah. Is it about Piper?
Dan: No, it’s actually about Jenny’s paper
Phoebe: You know, I wasn’t really myself that day. Is there a problem?
(Dan hands Phoebe a piece paper.)
Dan: No, it’s not due till Friday, but I really appreciate your help. I think.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay.
(Phoebe hides the paper.)
Dan: I’d really appreciate if Jenny could do her own work, in her handwriting, using her own smarts, if you know what I mean.
Phoebe: I-I certainly do. All right. (Dan leaves. Phoebe hides her face.) You don’t wanna know. You know, this whole smart spell thing, it really just made me realise that there’s a lot of cool information out there.
Prue: I agree.
Phoebe: And who knows, maybe I will go back to college, take some night classes. I’m a smart girl, I’ll figure it out.
Prue: Yes, you will. Just don’t lose that common sense. We may need it to save the day again.
(Piper walks over to them.)
Piper: What are we talking about?
Phoebe: Right now, the job that I will not be getting.
(Phoeb rips up the aptitude test.)
Piper: Smart move, Pheebs. Now open your present.
Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe pulls a purse out of a paper bag.) Oh. (She also pulls out some shoes.) Wait, you guys got me shoes and a purse?
Prue: Very smart-looking wouldn’t you say, Piper?
Piper: Pure genius, Prue.
Phoebe: Enough with that already.
(Prue holds up Jenny’s paper.)
Prue: Okay, you wanna explain this?
Phoebe: Okay, well, that’s Piper…
Phoebe: And that’s Dan.
Prue: I see.
Piper: That’s not funny.